Time to fly

Yes,I'm really happy my math portfolio is nicely done and over with.For once i'm truly satisified for a mathematical work.The previous HL portfolio was done in a hurry, a frenzy and a cloud of confusion overhead. So when doing the SL one for the second time(go figure), i was painfully aware of mistakes made and blunders stumbled upon during the production of the first one.I want to thank God, mr Jonas Chow, K Lim and anyone else who have helped me in the 11 hour.Oh yes, Mr Seah Kim Weng for understanding the technical difficulties.Hayz.I'm just so relieved.Really, when you have accomplished something you know is not your area of greater interest, the sense of satisfaction is double.

Yesterday was quite a day.I slept at 4.30 am and woke up at 6.30, just in time for school...again in a frenzy to just grab whatever books i needed for the day.Of course i cab...and was thankful the traffic wasnt too bad hence my in-time arrival in school.What happened for the day?If you have been a zombie then you would understand.Everything was in a blur haha.With sheer determination though i pushed through lessons and even attempted to complete the chem equilibrium worksheet in class.For the first time in a long time too i slept in almost every class.However, history never failed to interests me!Thanks to sir, haha...mr Wong tze Yong you rock.The lesson on Blitzkrieg and the causes of and origin of world war 2 was filled with animation(him doing his Churchill's speeches and demo with world war 2 planes models haha) and laughter.I think he's prolly one of the most understanding teachers around.Oh, hes really high profile.He wrote thesis es which are now given to us as notes...fancy doing a masters in war studies from..suspiciously Oxbridge...haha.Anyway, watching Pearl Harbor to understand the outbreak of world war 2 in the pacific rocks too.Hayz...I wish some other lessons could be as interesting as history or econs.Oh well.

I want to thank my mom...blah...i'm so well-fed with both food and money hehehe.I really need to do some serious accounting over my expenditure or else i would never be able to save.I want to thank her too for being really understanding hayz.I think ,she being just who she is as a role model for me is the best thing she could have done.She's a success case everybody should consider and study.There's also Sally my cousin who is staying over at our house to heal after her operation to remove a lump.I think God is really answering prayers...finally and in His beautiful time too.Shes really quite receptive to Christianity because she could see it in all of us and hopefully I would be the one to lead her to Christ...or some other way.Shes beginning to question what am i really here for and the purposes of living.Oh, i just gave her one of my nicer necklace bought online since she really likes it and i was looking for someone to give it away.It was quite symbolic, as i hold these stuff so dear to me sometimes i wonder if they really do play such a significant role in my life that i spent so much money and time for/with them.Giving that particular piece away just reaffirms my stand that materialistic things of these world are blessings from God and they are meant for a greater purposes(besides the obvious purpose of self-beautification). Oh, I have this crazy idea of matchmaking her with someone i know...hmmmm...HAHAHA.Recommendation?? Shes a lot like me haha...we find each other similar and even the struggles we have are similar, but for someone as beautiful, smart, with a such a background to be accepted and loved by someone for just who she is and not feel the pressure from the other things around her is hard. Thats why she needs God huh?

I have another wild idea of matchmaking charles ng with my sister.I think they would actually find each other compatible since hes so up there and shes really simple-minded and carefree.They would balance each other out haha..the equation of love needs balancing too eh?Oh, it's my mom's original idea actually, so yes, i'm crediting her haha.

Yesterday mugging session with Sheila was very cool too.She helped me with so much for chem i'm really quite thankful and felt quite bad i couldnt help much with her mugging for GP test..but to sympathise.Oh well, I recommended her to read "the world is flat" by someone friedman haha.RJ students read this, so should she.Oh yes, I had corn soup again (we were occupying a table in mos for a really long time, paying a rental fee of a cup of hot tea haha).

Now that my workload is a bit less crazy, yes the keyword being a bit, i'm thinking of the other more exciting stuff,like teachers' day, BB retreat, day out with the gals of 5.15 and SYC's concert.Ok...i should seriously start work so i can maximise my slacking time later writing cards and notes for teachers haha.Oh yeah, theres plan to send emails out to ER com too for a meeting during the retreat to finalise motto, objectives and slogan for the com.Oh man, ER is an exciting place, thanks to God and His wonders.

On the even more positive note, i'll BAKE!Ok, i'm determined to bake some cookies and brownies and bring them to retreat.Ill see if i can squeeze apple pie in.I havent done it for ages haha...

Trash is called trash.Rubbish and trash are different.I'll do another trashing...trashing part 1 was relatively positive.Shall I go all out and be the extremist this time round?Maybe and maybe not.Once again, my typing ability doesnt really seem to prove itself that it can catch up to my thoughts.Whatever it is, i'll trash.Darn it.Ive not blogged for a few days.i dont exactly have a human bunch bag somewhere and i dont think my parents are tolerant enough to subject themselves to such rubbish.Either way, maybe the rubbish contains more valuable stuff that some people(or rather myself) think.Aha, we'll see.Lets do it in chronological order.Oh yes, Math portfolio is at stake whilst this entry is in production.Whatever man, i have....ok, yes, math portfolio will be one of the trash.Lets go.

• Work-DARN!I have backlogging and yeah, sometimes i ask myself why i cant be a bit, yes just a bit smarter so i can clear all my work like eistein.Wait, to be more specific,i need a male brain man. I need to learn to focus on one task and one task only and not to multi task so much.And wait, there were distractions like my cousins talking/gossiping and the food and the dunnowat and the fatigue that came from all the stupid things during the week which were mostly work-related stuff of cuz.Wait, yes, keyword being mostly.Go figure.The family has to be the stupid distraction too eh.But yes, I thank Mom for being superb mom and her generosity in buying cheesecake and all the food i need.I would rather she can help me to plan and organise my stuff sometimes.But then yes, i'm 18 and i should start proving to my parents/preparing for post-IB life that i can so go overseas and stay on my own.the most is i would miss them much and call home.Survivor instinct exists in everyone of us.Period.
• Screwed up numbering function by blogger/google.It shows again Microsoft is still pro at this stuff.And again why google or SOMEONE should stop google from owning everything.They own 50% of the info out there and hence 50% of research mat online belongs to them.Darn.Monopoly eh?Almost.(60% and above to be classified monopoly)
• Math portfolio SL-I'm sorry i was so mean to the SL people by going into their class declaring i would own.Well when i said so i do mean i would own the guys aha.But yeah, it takes me sometimes to find my perimeter and get settled down into the class with a much different atmosphere and individuals of very different degree of motivation for math.Why did i do math HL?I was being very practical.I thought of law school and wherever i would apply to.I thought too then of the combis ive asked around from different people on the surface of earth doing IB.Their combis show great balance.For example, Jeff Tai pres of general assembly of THIMUN 2005, student of International school of Beijing-a freaking brilliant guy-his combi was : Chem English...Econs(HL).It tells me you need different subjects to show your ability.Yes, Thats why i chose econs hist math.It shows i could do humanities and also math at the same time.My brain is not too loft-sided and i have more than just one talent.And oh, of course, the pure fact i could do math, the confidence gained from the 2 A1s in O level.It shows my ability.But of course, i lacked the most important requirement, passion.I have none of it.I need it.I wanted Wharton.I wanted UPENN. I need to know how to do math.Period.Now, back to the portfolio.It looks like a joke next to the HL one.Sorry, but yes it does.I empathise with HL people because its ALOT more difficult.And i now empathise with the SL people who are still having not much of a clue how it should be done.Actually, they are so much more fortunate, they have the HL people like me and many of their friends who wouldnt mind much to tell them some basic facts they need to know about doing a portfolio.I'm being well, complacent i suppose.But heck it, i did it before.I suffered and learnt.I better learn eh?My understanding of math increases after the math portfolio.So yes, its a good learning experience.
• Bethany-Lets skip first part of parade since i have not much to say about it except for some people seriously need to put what they learn into use and need to learn how to imitate others and learn.Drill exam marking was a mess thanks to poor organisation.But yes, people need to be given a chance to learn.I was thankful i was out of it, doing my very dear math portfolio and was greatly entertained by all the commotion that was going on, albeit being affected by very little.yes bethany, I met Tan Lifeng.I think we are again, similar people.Ok, i could see myself in her, which is the better part of it.All the very similar characteristics i can see in front of my eyes through another person.not bad.The bad part?Shes well ,another lynette tan.Another triple science student and another debator and another MGS girl.Shes brilliant, and so she should be.Its not like ive not met brilliant people.What really pissed me off was generalisation statements made without even a thought for others.It shows she might not have done literature, does little of counselling, or too much of natural science, or too up there to think about the people down here, or..simply..out of touch with girls our age who actually are not from the A level mentality system of education and whatever the gov has infused the students with...It shows too, she might be quite fortunate/unfortunate to not have met girls from other schools beside ahem the usual so-called high class schools.Wonderful.Hmm on the second note, shes prettier than pictures.She speaks good english too.
• The emo part of bethany- i miss my grandfather.i miss him a lot.I miss my aunt too.I see them in the folks/friends i met-again and new after a long time.I see the scenes of Glenseagles/Mount E in front of my eyes.I see too my aunt's face at the airport that day, my own face pressed against the class door waiving her farawell, never to see her again alive or death.I was absent during both funerals.I miss them so much. They would understand what i go through.I pray God, they are with you in heaven.Such people dont deserve hell.God, they dont.
• I might volunteer back to bethany, not that i need any more cas hours or it would help with application to law school but it might.Its so much more meaningful than doing some work at a law firm.We'll see.And then of course, its under ER, of which now i'm the unofficial boss.Good enough, i can do something about it...ER COM needs to meet pretty soon.
• I hate it that i cry. I still hate it even more when people see my cry, especially guys.I hate it man.They need Girls school 101 or First Aid lesson for Boys school.Wonderful, this idea has been floating in my mind for sometime..with enough support from the girls, the captain(which i will lobby for), it might be an idea for a drafted proposal/resolution. Petrina and Amanda both agree to it.More support, yep.

Ok, dinner beckons since i need food to sustain me through the night.I'm pissed off because of the fundamental being shaky again.I have so much bitterness.Today devotion on the bus led me back to Psalms 37:.... where i was told not to fret and let not anger and evil thoughts infiltrate the mind of a person because it could lead to harmful actions deemed disobedient to God.I will let it out more...pray more...and yes...come to Him more...this needs to go.

I'm holding on.for wat.i asked God again.Thank God for sheila, see you tmr.I cant wait to meet nic..again...But before that can be realised, i need to do my math portfolio.Ok.Chao.

This is so hard
I want to give up
I want to run
Why??? GOD WHYYYY
Tears brimming in my eyes
The smiles
Can you see they are there to hide the tears
Every step of this life
Treacherous
Nails...thorns
Why God why???
Too little too late
What am I supposed to do?
I cant...run...
I hate to disappoint people
and i think
i will
disappoint
a lot of people
I am
sorry
a million times
sorry
a thousands more times
thank you
God
You
indeed
never fail.

Such depressing thoughts-yet-work -some-has been done

1. Chem pract 11-done
2. Chem pract 10-almost there
3. Chem pract 9-let's pretend i didnt do it-and indeed i didnt
4. Chem pract 12-methodology left...should do NOW
5. French-cleared
6. English-IOP-a lot more time
7. English-Hedda-time to finish it
8. Math-Portfolio-i should start
9. Econs IA-need more time....Feeling really bad bad
10. Tutorial econs-By sat
11. TOK-not now
12. EE-thank you Kenneth Lim-you sux but yeah, whatever man.Charles Ng's knowledge and resources should be exploited.I feel darn evil now.

I wanted to blog but the realisation that i didnt do QT yesterday and the high possiblity of me skipping it today given further delay have successfully persuaded me to go and do my QT now haha.

Random facts first which take less than 3 mins to type hence still permissible/forgivable
I died during chem test-again
I was doing 2 practs, econs IA, reading history and listening to music, talking to people on msn at the same time yesterday HAHA-Girls can multi-task
Today we had fish...and veggie...and..more fish for dinner.Of course there was rice...
I ate 3 meals so far, one more meal to come-avocado mix and my dear wonderful cheesecake
Lifehouse rocks-Thanks to Rachel Chu and Adriel Leong for sharing their resources.
Mdm Runima needs prayers and healing-pls pray pray pray.I'll sms her tonight
2 days to Dung's departure
I should try to get better acquainted with my phone
I dont own Sl math period.But a girl does. HAHAHA.

OKie..i'm high...but i have alot of work to clear as well...

list of work:

1. All 3 chem practs (half way through for all 3)
2. Econs IA(finished intro...know exactly what to write..just the matter of phrasing)
3. Pract planning-need to write out the methodology
4. SL math-portfolio-HAHAHA...i shall reserve the fun to the weekend..lol...honestly...i have no idea how fun it would be.but it sure cant beat the HL one!
5. History-Tonnes of notes to dig through-world war 1
6. Econs-tutorial DBQ-whack it later in the morning..hehe..

In the midst of a high range of homework, fatigue and all other types of problems, i still the urge to blog.I have a lot less my mind these days, the fundamental blockage finally cleared, but yeah, now that its cleared, a new set of problems just have to arrive.On time, on task too.Life, is...interesting.

My brain is deep fried right now blah.I realise one actually need concentration and some sense of focus even for blogging.Ok...i'll just let my thoughts pour themselves out here without me trying to control them and see how it goes...Ive held a lot of thoughts inside my head these few days...and yeah,I cant stand them anymore.I really couldnt tell many people, and i realise people would find me weird/paranoid/self-centered if i do tell them.The few whom i could confine in, i thank you haha.

School-Yeah, my life revolves around it. what else is new.Yesterday though, was quite a day to remember.Despite my determination to reserve the thoughts/anxiety/excitement?? to the end of the day, i thought about it now and then during school hours.I'm normally quite focused when it comes to lesson time.History was emotional since we're doing the impacts of world war 1 by watching documentaries and through discussions...a lot of emotions and of course, all the things you associate war with but a lot more too.Econs-watched Commanding Hights which is prolly the most interesting educational documentary ive watched so far in the year..(ok, rise to evil for hitler was really cool stuff to).Anyway it was like as Ying Hao said, a HL History/Econs documentary.To see all the events of the 20th century coming together in the context of history and econs was really fascinating.However, the class..about 80% were sleeping through it, cos it was in the afternoon and well, people were zonked...so was i but yeah man, i was too interested to fall asleep haha. Anyway, where was i, yes, the thoughts...oh yes, it was about the officers' visit of course. I had no idea how it would turn out, but well, it sure didnt turn out the way i expected.Dinner(which was nothing really special but still the standard fish,meet a lot of veggie and other stuff) and wine were not exactly what i had in mind when they came.Anyway, they chatted over dinner and i was just stoning there, minding my own business by reading my book, occasionally talked as required and as i felt there was a need to.Man, Charles definitely managed to awe my parents, of course, with his acad achievements and also of the fact he looks so much more mature than my sister of the same age.Mrs lui was well, te lifesaver for me, thanks alot mrs Lui. i wont elaborate.Anyway, the 2 hour conversation went into a lot of directions but about the main thing, which was my well-being and acad concerns.Whatever that implies and indicate to the 2 of them about my family i would not want to know, but it indicates a lot of things about my parents to me.I think, i love them because God asks me to and i want to be obedient to Him.I love them because, for mom, the natural bond by blood and for my dad, out of gratitude...to me, its sad, it's...disappointing, but yeah, thats just the way it is.

More school matters.Sometimes, i have no idea what i do wrong.Sometimes I look around and wonder what people really think of me.Then again, i dont think i would want to know.There is so much entropy in almost every class.It takes determination, some sense of perseverence, a lot of diplomatic skills and focus to scrape through them.Econs has become my favourite now, thanks to the people around and to Mr James Ong.Thanks to the subject being so interesting too.At least, there are about 10 girls around. In times like this i want to thank the people of 5.15, especially the girls, although ahem, today, i was again the source of entertainment.

Okay , i have a lot of work but yeah, haha this is really happy problem now.I'm so on about all of them that now, the only think i ask God for is more energy.Sometimes i wish i could be a machine heh.Just sometimes.

Lastly, this is to Sheila dearie.
Love must be tough .
Let God take control and live for Him only
Love Him first and love Him the most
It's not easy but if it is, then it's not worth it
Let go and let God...yeah...overused phrase but i must use it again.
Things will work out in His time =)
To be honest, I too, wouldnt want to hold on
But I cant run...i have to face it and go through it
God, Sheila, has a purpose for everything He makes us go through.Take comfort yeah?




I'm blogging so freely again...why?I think i'm just being paranoid about people reading my blog.Because, i hope/believe/realise...the audience to this blog is smaller than i imagined it to be.But maybe....im wrong.

After being so unproductive for about 2 hours, ive decided to do something more productive-blogging =)(ok , its reflection so yeah, it is something important too eh...)haha lame excuse

Anyway, the entire of last week was really depressing...thanks to the hormones and to the weather and well, to the moods of things. I'm not really complaining about the weather haha, since the rain and i are bestfriends, maybe even closer than that.I love it man. I've never fallen sick walking/running in the rain...not that i remember i suppose.Haha...on the contrary, i feel really refreshed, recharged and cool walking in the rain.It loves me man.It will never harm me =). Seriously, its therapeutic.

The one thing that is bothering me is my use of my tongue.Today's sermon couldnt be any more appropriate and rebuking. James 3... the most critical expression of the usage of the tongue...and how we shoud control it and use it properly, and how that too, is not equal to speaking less.Nourishing words to the soul we should practise to speak, pleasant words to encourage and compliment we need to use more and words to rebuke that last a lifetime we should learn to put across. Words too, are the indicatives of our hearts...

I have the gift of the gab...or so i believe.But it was not a natural occurance.I was trained, and was given the opportunity to be trained.Anyway, i just like to talk.Ok...i like to entertain people to so that explains it.The last week bothers me alot.I think, i use words sometimes too carelessly and dont really guard my lips.(the one who guards his lips guards his life-Proverbs..something)Hmm quick to listen, slow to speak...i really must remember this.Why?I will remember yerterday's worship for long time to come. The origins and events that led to that particular moment have to be accounted for.I dont have time to narrate it here but to summarise it, i was complacent. Or maybe, emotions were at fault heh.

Anyhow, i learnt.And yeah, i shall use my lips more discerningly too since i'm mentoring so many people its quite scary.I've voluntarily taken up the mentorship of a few juniors in Crescent.Coming there to guide them with their oral was really quite an experience.I realise i can teach quite well and have the power to persuade as well, of which i really need to be careful of the usage of such gifts..since it being utilised unrighteously could bring about devastating consequences. Anyway, now i'm volunteering back there every friday to help with history and most of the humanities since i'm really quite pro at them haha.I was actually tutoring michelle, sheila's sister for her lit and she found it useful.Oh well, thank God for such gifts...and Lord, please guide me to use them wisely, for pride is building up and walling me in.Lord, let me be sensitive to others and use my tongue in the way you wish it to be used.Let it be an instrument to glorify your name and not mine.Lord,You take control.

One blog the most when one is not supposed to.How true.I'm not supposed to blog.Again.I have work to clear.As always,but yeah, i thought i have emotions i need to let out.I dont feel like using figurative language sometimes but yeah, as much as i normally write without an audience in mind, i'm aware there are people reading.Blogging is for communication, and for this blog, most of the time, it's the communication to the inner self.

There are a lot of things i feel.I feel, i think and try to put the feelings and the thinking into actions.I'm a feminist, because my almar mater has taught me to be so, to be independent, to be strong and to be ladies and leaders...I'm very attached to crescent, and i think i will always be.It doesnt mean i'm not attached to ACS but yeah, crescent was the place i received and learnt much, and its time i contribute back.

My deepest emotions i cant pour out here.I have much to say, and maybe, it's time i commit them to God.I've committed much to God but...there are so much more than feelings that are crashing over me,I need to let them out.My mom, being who she is, my family members dont exactly understand.Oh well, there are people who do.And there is one Father that is always there.I'll run to him again.

Besides the emotions, there are other random stuff...

My mom is back!With a truckload of food =) as usual hehe.Springrolls anyone???
She thinks i'm too thin.Oh, Drong and a team of teachers from ACS visited the hotel!Oh man, haha...they booked 6 rooms for september for dunnowhat reason but according to my mom, they love the hotel and have decided to book 45 rooms for OEP =I

Charity bazaar rendered the whole day a slack day since so many of the teachers and students were busy with either that or something else related.I decided not to skip a single class and made myself attend every lesson, due to the fact that i would definitely slack or have to do other work at home.Math was fun...i left half way to join my former English class to be enlightened on the subject of Hedda Gabler.Hmmm..indeed SL english is definitely more entertaining. Anyway, at the end of the whole day, I'm totally zonked.I really exerted myself quite a bit, trying to eat more and all...taking notes as much as i could.I find the councillors, especially Mr president the french fries being very inspirational.I also find Denise the more encouraging peer role model.Her better God-given intellect aside, her dedication to her work and her perseverence to strive for excellence (and she usually succeeds) in everything she does gives me the push to do the same.Oh well, i know my limits though.I'm definitely not as talented, or as smart..

The flip side is...i'm high and then i'm low.The extremity always confounds me.I always want to strive to be normal and yeah, never really succeed. Then there is the need to be persevere in Hl english...The people..such an interesting class a with really gifted individuals but well, with very hard to get along with attitude, especially the girls.I dont know if its because they are non-christians...and theres this rather self-centered attitude...or is it pure...jealousy?Maybe its me being self-centered and prideful heh.Oh well, i wont change class, despite my overwhelming desire to do so.Hayz.God, help!

I actually wanted to stay for chem officer tution and actually for meeting, since i do have chem stuff to ask now that i realise but i guess i was too zonked.I actually needed help for worship since yeah...i really didnt imagine how big the thing might be...in front of the company and all...I cant let God down.Hayz, I dunno whats up with me these days.I was trying the strategy of stoning and daoing.It doesnt work since i dont have the ability and the means to follow the plan through(i simply cant dao or stone for that long!).Now that I've decided to be happy and cheerful and loud and hyper again (basically just me haha), i need to deal with another set of problems.bleah.

Okie, I shall attempt to finish my work.God I really thank you!For everything.For everything.You've been kind.but somehow, as Sheila quoted YQ in her blog, God gives us breathers to prepare us for yet another mountain to climb.Hayz.Whats next Lord.I think i already know.

I need an ACS sweater.Anyone with a spare?

15/8/07

I'm not too good with updating blogs since i'm really lazy and sometimes, blogging takes too much of my time to be given priority(if it should be given priority at all).Anyway, i thought i should use this to let my friends know about me..the people who are overseas and people who dont really know whats going on with my life. Tendency to emo-blog is high but lemme just recap a few wonderful events happening yesterday before today begins proper.

I thought i would be deep fried for most of the subjects since i didnt do so many of my work.The blacklogging bothers me and to be honest, my HL subjects are not as easy as people think they are or im making it seem to be.History is bothering me a bit because i'm quite lost when it comes to content.I dont lack skills(or maybe i actually do a little) but i lack so much of knowledge, like for example we're doing world war and i'm still quite confused about the immediate causes for its commencement. I'm working doubly hard...because the rest of the class, with the exception of Sloke have done history before and of course, sloke being a GEP, its easier for him...but then again...maybe its not. Econs...i get the concepts but is way behind in work.Sitting next to a slacker helps(esp when the slacker is a good friend who tells you what to do...as in how to deal with the subject and be less kan chong haha) Classes are very interesting these days...Since i'm not too closed off and i actually make a point to interact more with the people around despite my fear it would result in some misunderstandings.

I went to see Mrs Chia during a break and i went to see Mr talbot regarding my chem practs.Thank you to all my teachers who have cared and showed understanding beyond my expectation.Seeing mrs chia is comforting because yeah, she seems to understand all the things im going through.I was asked to make a point to break the ice with dad yesterday but well, he came home so late i had fallen asleep studying and only realised hes home a few moments back. I actually think we'll be normal again pretty soon.I'll ask for a laptop and well, try to talk more.I wont go through my sister...and i'll talk about my school more often too.I have to make this work...and honestly, i feel i'm quite blessed compared to so many others.God has been working for me and yeah, my both sets of parents do love me a lot since they have no other children except my sister and me.At the end of the day, i think im still a little deer, fascinated and dazed, wandering in God's forest of blessings.

The ups and the downs are more bearable because of you. Thank you.

I want to run from this.everything.I want to run...again.To escapade...far away land.The thought of that has not left me for a long time now.
I want to call people but i refuse to do so.I want to call and i hesitate, thinking, what would i say, where do i begin, because tears will take over words for sure
I cry too much these days...and according to Dr James Dobson in his book Love must be tough(its not about just bgr love, its a great read for all christians about relationships)...he said theres nothing correct about a girl crying herself to sleep at night.It just means shes hurting emotionally, mentally and that could in turn bring great damage to her health and internal organs...i have no idea how big is the damage, but I can say ive been doing that.
I'm stressed and i dont want to be.I take comfort in the friends i have but at the end of the day, I think God would want me to deal with it head on.I have to
God keeps on telling me to let go, let go christine, let it go, forget it, forgive, tolerate...a little more...wait...izzit really God's voice...
The problem i'm still not yet explaining
Whats going on man.whats going on in BB
In school, at home
did i do something wrong, God did i?????
I feel like i did.But in one of the devotions, God you say Satan is all around with the mocking voice and telling me i'm cheated, that when i'm trying to do the right things all the troubles seem to have come.
I feel like quitting, and You pulls me back.
Why the hell should i quit...it makes nobody happy..nobody...including myself
I'll have to go through it and..yes...become strong(I'm listening to don moen)

8/10/04
My prayer book entry reads:
My themes
acts 9:3-16
the verse i picked out: I will show him how much he must suffer for my name-v16
....

I need an apology.We need some reconciliation...
i also need strategy...and strength...and time
and i dont have any of the above...except maybe strength...and still, faith in the fact He is in control.

11/8/07

Ive found a new way of blogging.Thank you Eryn Kwong.I want to hug you morree..and take more pics but yeah, sorry we were in a rush and forgot =S Anyhow, I love you dear.I have a lot of best friends now...thanks to God, and you guys, the 4 angels of 5.15 (too bad Denise is always with the guys haha), you are really one of the pillars of strength for me in ACSI.Its tough to be in a boys' school.I mean every single word i just typed.

I want to list my angels here(the male ones..err you know who you are if you dont err..too bad haha!)

1. Sheila-The one that brought me to Christ with her enduring tolerance and faith-you are indeed one in a million-thank you-for God and for your father(Pastor Richard haha!)


2. Dung-My dear, i dont think you know i have a blog, but yes...12 years of friendship...the suicidal plan, the communist ways of doing things we both hate, your endurance and tolerance towards the system too.I left for the better world and you stay and went through it all.But IB unites us!All the best ok?I'll pray for you.I've got facebook too.We'll email haha!The world is a small place now.And after IB, Ill visit you =))


3. Eryn-What can i say?I thank you for being here in ACSI and go through the crap/stress/fun/joy/tears together with me- the choir...we have God and choir and BB and wow, what else, music and french!Yes, time is what we need to deepen this friendship. yes haha,we'll do sentosa, and US..and Vietnam ;) (Deluxe room + shopping +food!)
   
4. Rachel- Ive hurt you yeah?We fought openly in class haha!yeah, we're so competitive!I thought i was queen of competition but yeah, i'm dethroned man, you are like the most competitive of them all.Sorry dear, but i love you!Look at us, choir,competition,SL math, 5.15,bintan...the stress is minute!yes, you can do it-The choir's admin rests in your hand..ok thats added pressure but, hey, we walk this path together with God don't we??


5. Jeanette-WAHAHAHA!Bolsheviks!!!History rocks man.Thank you for being the inspiration, to love the Lord and hunger for His words so earnestly in your young faith still, to have the boldness to pray in a corporate prayer in Bintan. The Lord works wonders.Haha, HL english rules and so does bridge and so do girls, especially Crescent Girls!
6. Alyssha-The little one, but with a great sense of humor, admirable leadership and intellect!and more than that, you care and make us Christians feel quite shameful sometimes because we dont care as much as you do.Ready to accept the Lord huh?We're guiding you there and one day, you will receive Him.Thank you for being such an example haha..for being so obedient to your parents despite the +ve peer pressure =)
7. Vanessa-i'm so sorrrryyy i miss you out!!! How can i forget my bestfriend in crescent who stuck through thick and thin with me in sec 3 and 4 and who was there during the turbulent times of my life.Despite the distance(Australia), you still connect with me, heart and soul.Thank you for the wise counsel, for the understanding so surpassing of your age and for being Jesus Christ the counsellor in my life.We have to meet when you come back in december!!I miss you a lot BLAH! AARGGHHH!!

Guys, BB sucks up my life, i'm so sorry i cant be there for so many of the school events and i cant spend more time with you guys.But wait, i already spend like all the time in school with you guys!We are so busy!We are ladies and leaders =)) (to the ones not from crescent, its ok hehe, applicable to all who can lead and are ladies =)) My wish is our little group will grow in God and we'll serve Him in the posts we have.Haha, work is BANNED from being discussed in our table.The no.1 agenda is suaning guys =)(more specifically Ian Lim and old man wahaha!)

Acs(i) is the place God calls me to.The one I'm going to next God has already let me know i think.Although im swayed side by side to stay here in this little island and be bonded to you all and more people out there whom I have the previlege to meet and work with(one way or another), I still believe i would go in the end.The distance won't matter right haha.I still love challenges, new grounds, new places, new faces and a new world ready open to me(maybe it wont be but i am open to it already haha!).I will continue to pray but yeah,this is my conviction.

Love, i'm not going to run from.Today, the entire presentation of ER was about Love.We dedicated the whole thing to God and, as any performer would say, we do this for God, for ourselves and we hope the audience appreciates what we do. Let me say this again, i dont care much about titles now.but I do love my work because its really stuff I love to do(music, PR, presentations,talkin...)Adriel can keep his haha, he can be on the chopping board every time we fail and if we succeed, we'll credit him =)

I'll leave you a song from Corrinne May.I'm convinced we'll be really cool friends we ever meet haha.then again, we're sisters in Christ yes?

On the side of me

Music and lyrics: Corrinne May

(haha..will add the lyrics here when its posted on the net by some other kind soul...too lazy to type it out.But you guys can get it by checking out her new album!(oh man...i'm really gifted with doing PR work...)

12/8/07

I hate myself for being such a slacker...and yes..although people confirm with me i have a legitimate reason to not do work, i still feel i'm really weak and lack of self-will at the moment.However, Eryn Kwong, you again are my inspiration.I shall attempt to finish all work today and next week.I won't go to doc and take sleeping pills.I will see a school counsellor.(Rachel's mom would be fine too eh but i dunno how we can meet up)

10/8/2007

All i once held dear (knowing you)
Music by Graham Kendrick

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain
I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like you in your death, my Lord
So with you to live and never die


Proverbs 4: 20-27

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm." v25-26

I want to answer the questions posed by the author at the end but yeah, i feel like making a detour.OK fine, in my fickle-mindedness I've decided to answer the questions and then maybe give my own response from there.

Do I have a clear picture of the godly path before me? Why or why not?How does keeping my eyes on the goal help me stay on the straight path?

Hmmm question number 1.I do actually.I'm not too sure if i'm suppose to say no to it but i think i actually do.I mean, look, i know almost exactly what i'm supposed/have to do .It's only how i'm going about to do it that is mysterious to me.For example, I know that i'm supposed to clear my head, put aside emotions/numb them or no, give them to the Lord so i can focus on the most important thing right now to me, to do His work and study well.Ive not been both very well...wait, maybe i do.Goodness, i think i need to give some credits to my own abilities(God-given of course) some times.Back to the question, yes I do.I think...i know.Like my desire for doing law, like serving in BB now and maybe as officer, like the worship and EE ministries in my church, like mentoring and being mentored, like tutoring in Crescent, like my overwhelming desire now to do something about my God-given ability to sing(I do believe i'm talented..come on, i actually can reach Phantom's christine's notes...with ease actually)...Are these the godly path? That i will do/juggle all of these as well as my family,relationship,friendship problems/trials?

Question 2: why? Because Ive been praying...ive stopped making a prayer item list this week due to well, overwhelming emoness and the refusal to do so. However, i've not forgotten them in my thoughts..and now, i pray silently to God anytime and anywhere.Thats the joy of walking everyday with Him, that you can say a prayer anytime you feel the need to, on the bus, on the streets, in school and even when talkin to people.Prayers are my words to the Lord, and hence, they are at my discretion to be open or close about it. Some of the prayers are written here to this blog, because i thought i dont mind people reading them, but many more are in my prayer book and with God, because they are meant to be for Him only and maybe, one day, someday, I'll let someone read my prayer book.It's a precious book to me.

Why not?They are a clutter of activities, of well programs.Do I spare a thought for the ones i hold dear when i list the things i have to do?Probably yes and no at the same time.I'm a workaholic, i will not deny it and everyone..almost everyone who knows me agrees.It used to be something i was quite fond of but now its scaring me to death sometimes. I could go on and on and well, on for hours without break and my mind so focused i would block all emotions/thoughts deemed as irritants or disturbances. It hurts a lot of people before, and it is hurting people even now.Ministries are ministries...but if they are just a series of works to hide one's feelings and pain and whats not i'm feeling, are they worth doing?Then again, God is guiding, in my failures He had triumphed.In the darkness of my soul He had lit an illuminating light, however minute or flickering, the light still shines. So Lord, you are in control again.you are the one in the driver's seat.You and I have shaken the Roman's handshake, that if I let go you would still hang on to me.Lord your comfort and mercies are overflowing despite Satan's relentless ways.You love me, but you love those around me too.you love the unloved, the forsaken by the societies and communities. You died for them, you were found with them while you are here on this earth.Lord, give the strength i need to love them and in my suffering, may your love and glory be shown because I could never do this without you.Lord, only You know.Only You.

Keep your eyes on God's road.

I found my favourite writer in Our Journey's blog.Blogs exist for a reason- to communicate-to the inner soul of oneself or to a higher being or to loved ones that want to know or simply, to the wandering souls who are searching for something on this WWW.

I want to abandon this blog.But, my encouragement for continuing it is that this could be a place someone chances upon and find something they can make use of. Perchance my more humble hope is that i would actually break the pattern of blogging for 5 months and stop...every year now.haha.

Oh I find meaning in reading my past entries.The poems...wow..haha i'm amazed by my own abilities.I dont recall writing them but yeah, they are really not bad considering i was sec 2 or 3 then.Like more things like...i actually heard of sam chan and russel chan through a blog and now to realise God let me meet the person in real life and serving the Lord in the same CCA...

More stories...some time..soon.I'm very convicted now i should give a testimony during PAT.We shall see how.

I've suffered much for BB, physical,emotional and mental.Many a times i asked myself why am i here when i dont even feel appreciated but even persecuted and discriminated.Why Lord oh why?? The reasons are above...the reason is that God calls me here and I could use my gifts in more ways than ive ever known, that I can touch the lives of the Boys by being just myself(hyper,siao,mad,strict...blah blah blah) by just serving and going through what they go through(i really sympathise with them a lot).I have learnt much from my church and God calls me here to use what I've learnt to bless the people around me and be blessed in turn.The Boys, by being just who they are, are a blessing to me.Thank you Lord, for the friends, for the Officers, for the Boys..for the Female Primers especially( we are quite an awesome bunch dont ya think??=))Let me love,Lord, let me carry on, let me carry this cross/burden and move along Your road, let me never give up on what you have set my heart to,let me do all things not for myself but for YOU.

The Servant King
1983 Kingsway's Thankyou MusicWords
Music by Graham Kendrick

From heaven You came, helpless babe
Entered our world, Your glory veiled
Not to be served but to serve
And give Your life that we might live
This is our God, the SERVANT KING;
He calls us now to follow Him
To bring our lives as a daily offering
Of worship to the SERVANT KING.
There in the garden of tears (girls)
My heavy load He chose to bear;
His heart with sorrow was torn,
Yet not my will, but Yours he said.
Come see His hands and his feet,
The scars that speak of sacrifice
Hands that flung stars into space
To cruel nails surrendered
So let us learn now to serve,
And in our lives enthrone Him
Each other's needs to prefer
For it is Christ we're serving

http://www.jamesmacdonald.com/blog/

Acknowledgement: Byle,Ann.Our journey,RBC Ministries, 2007

7/8/07

Romans 8: 22-27

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, We do not know what we ought to pray for, with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches for our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." v24-27

But it is important to remember that prayer is not a one-way flow of words.Just being still and quite before the Lord is an important part of praying. The Lord knows what you want to say long before you utter a word, long before you sit down in your favourite place to pray. He knows your thoughts before you even think them. he'll minister to you while you'er silent.

When you can't seem to pray, create a place of stillness withim you.And when you can't find the words, let the Holy Spirit intercede for ou "with groans that words cannot express"

Responding: Am I aware of God's presence?- The answer for myself is yes...wont elaborate.

Silence and stillness can also be prayer.

Acknowledgement: Ferdinandsz, Tanya.Our journey,RBC Ministries, 2007

I have no idea whats going on but yeah...i'm just sleeping and slacking a lot this week...and the work is piling and piling...well actually i can clear them all but i just never could bring myself to do them.I feel really really guilty, asking God for forgiveness is an act by guilt itself.I'm just well, feeling very blahhh.Its so not me to slack this much, especially now when everything is going at a faster pace.I'm just very scared i'll fall behind like last term.

I cant do one of the practs...because i have no data i realise.That day was the day..and i was still very traumatised by all the stuff that happened that i couldnt even focuse on doing my pract properly.Now is the result i reap.My dad is not exactly in good terms with me.We both are just finding opportunities to explode again i guess.Hes picking on me for the very little things...really.When you lose the big picture, you focus on the little things.Hes paranoid now...and i have absolutely no idea what he does nowadays.I cant understand why he cant just go back to vietnam with mom and be useful and happy there instead of creating more tension and stress for the family here.

I havent been able to gain much weight, despite my huge appetite...and my constant eating.I'm still at 47 kg.The max is 47.5 when ive just finished eating.Whats up with me anyway.I could feel myself being so light...and i could see my ribcage bones..since a long long time ago that ive been able to do so.

Okay...I hate the idea of disappointing my econs teacher again...gosh...i'm so behind....and thanks to what?Stuff that i never wanted to come my way.God, you are quite amazing...but you are quite crazy too!Ive ben very ministered by the daily devotion these days.I dont have time to put them up here but yeah, I'll bring it to bb primer room tmr.I'm quite excited about NDP actually, amidst all the worries for homework and deadlines undone...blah...I'm quite a poor mugger nowadays...

I should not be blogging.Yeah.But I do realise I have to let it out.I need to say it out...if not verbally to someone, on msn to someone..then it must be here to this blog.Its been my faithful companion, alongside with God and a bunch of other angels(of all forms and kinds) that have guided me along since sec 2 when this blog is started.I have a feeling i will part with it soon, leaving this behind only as archive, one day lost in the thousands of files and links the world wide web contains.Those who find this blog, those you are reading, well,i thank you, and I thank God for you.

I need to get this out.its really bothering me too much. I do need to prioritise my time but yeah...reflection is important, almost as important as relationships, and hence, i will dedicate about 1/2 hour to it for today.Time is precious.And we never have enough time.Therefore, we have to make time.

I dont like being chased, not anymore at least.I'm being extremely frank for today.I think its time the words be spoken from the silent and mysterious one.Ive been stoning a lot in school these days..playing diplomatic games(as if i dont do it any other day) but yeah..its worning me out and i refuse to let anything wear me out except God and His work.Wait, maybe this is His work.Oh well, I'm not well, ascertain.Anyway, the idea is that, i'm not dumb.Thank you very much.I'm an excellent literature/HL english student that i believe most teachers would be quite fond to have.This, means, if you have not already known, i'm extremely sensitive.I pick up details most people ignore.I seek to understand the underlying meaning, the hidden emotions and of course, the intended intention of most(if not all) actions done towards and for me. Its getting on my nerves...that you are distractions and not a helpful force.Wait, you guys r not that bad actually, you did help me...but please dont accuse me of being "manipulative".I can be, and its in my human nature to do so.However, God, my Governor, said otherwise.All of your kindness I take note and have gratitude for, but i would have greater gratitude and love if you share that kindness with your fellow men.I'm a woman, though i do display characteristics unlike those of my species, I am a woman darn it.I'm not a lesbian,or bi or whatever Shakespearean texts are influencing a lot of people to think(including myself).I'm God's daughter.Enough said.

Wait, there is more.Lets clear it while i'm at it.I dont like selfishness, though i have the tendency to display it a lot of times...in the past and even now...we all do.I'm focused...because God asks me to and because I do have a greater goal and purpose in mind doing IB and finishing IB(hopefully well).Ive been tempted to go places and do things i like.One example would be to do PR in the states at my beloved UPenn or even Duke or Georgetown, or maybe even international relations at above mentioned and even more established American universities.I'm sticking to UK nevertheless.Why you all wonder??? Simply because I think its quite siao to do 8 years of Law...BLEAH.Although I appreciate the importance the US government and educators give to law(equal to med..the only other discipline to require pre-u or undergraduate studies before the actual thing itself), I do consider the bill i have to pay and the number of years i'll be away from this so-called home island, most important of all from loved ones.I love American culture, and i do believe it's a blessed country, and it is.But yeah, America can wait i suppose.So can France and maybe even Switzerland.Then again, God might surprise me with something else, you never know.

Lets clear another misconception.The last one, i promise.It comprises of one simple but hmm profound statement?This is quite clear and short .I shall repeat it..those who have heard/known it, you know it.Those lurking and hiding under the identity of your computer but are reading this in silent contemplation, read it well and understand it.My last request. I shall also help you with a headstart background info and analysis.
You can chase me, all you want(ok, maybe with proper procedures and etiquette) but in doing so, you are telling yourself one thing: you are strong, you are brave, you are hard-headed and stubborn, you are also foolish and quite blind.
But you will never catch me. To save yourself from unneccesary pain and heartbreaks and disappointment and whats not that comes with the situation, please try very hard to understand why such statement was formed in the first place.I'm not joking for once.Im quite serious.

I hope ive been entertaining, amusing to those who know and stern to those who dont.Wa lao.I'm not that great...i'm not very very special either,really.you haven't been looking around enough.Most importantly, I'm not some prize for you all to fight over, make a competition out and see at the end of the day who won.I'm a freaking human being thank you very much once again.To reach the depht of my heart and soul few could(beside God).Those few...I thank you.You are special.Please remember that.I'm opening up, but I need time, and I need God.Please allow me to do what I can, all i can for the time being.

Ive finished.Its been...enriching...for me and hopefully for the readers of this blog.I'm hugging it goodbye pretty soon.In the meantime,I'm hunting for a safer place to call home on the net.Suggestions anyone?(haha)