Time to fly

104th Post
4 years
thousands and thousands of words
Endless streams of thoughts
Immeasurable depth of emotions
millions drops of tears
Overflowing Grace
A contrite heart
A lightened soul
A humble bow
thank you

Do you know why mom and dad are like that?
I dont care
What?
Its their business.I dont need to know
Dont u think u should know?
For what..what can i do about it if i know? I know too much.thats the problem.

Mel, i wish i have your simple-mindedness sometimes.I wish you were the only one born to this world.You love them both.What about how i feel?I laugh a lot eh?I joke all the time. I act as if i'm nonchalant, as if im made of steel, lacking all emotions.I'm selfish too eh?For asking what i really need?Go ahead...Since when were you there when i need someone most?Since when did anyone really understand

I'm sick of this.I did what i could.What did you say do you remember.A happy family?A loving family.Please try harder.Do you even know the definition of such a term?Do you remember the hug?I do.Your apologies i took, for what now..i'm throwing them to the wind.Happy memories i'm trying hard to recall.They are rare.Whos the selfish one here i want to ask.Whos the one who needs to see the light?I'm sorry she loves me.I'm sorry i'm here.I'm sorry i came too.I'm so sorry i exist.Too bad my existence isnt a choice for me to make.I think too much.I'm sorry too i feel more than her.I think you wont shed a tear if i die now.You will because it causes tremendous pain to someone else.Whos the victim?We both are.Who had the choice?you. The choice to love, to pick me here, to devote a bit more time to realise i'm suffering...since day 1.Dont u remember?I do.I cried that afternoon.I was 11.The date? 11/12/1999.I shut my world.Is it her faut?yes.The mistake.One mistake.Mel.Bless her.Shes more obedient and loving than me.Curse me.I'm stronger than her.I'm smarter too.Curse my brain.

Go.Go back.Leave the cash.Leave the money.find your desired peace.Did you seek God?I hope you do.Pride.You have too much of it.Tolerance, I have a lot of it too.You too.But what now?I feel.I have a purpose to fulfill, a life to lead, work to do, responsibilities to fulfill...if you think you understand me, try reading my mind.

This blog...needs to be shut down.It seems like ive said this quite a few times.This time.for real.I'm using livejournal for good.And this time.No one should know the address.I know my hormones have a part to play for me to feel this way but.i need to stop crying.i'll slap myself the next time i shed a tear.I have mastered reverting tears back.Now what.I dont need this.Dont come near me.The horrible,the unloveable.the untouchable too.maybe thats how it should be.

God.I know You are near.I know you are carrying me.But.this is hard.I need to move Lord.I really need a miracle.An ordinary miracle too.I didnt ask for much.Just...just...

If you are looking for music...

Umbrella-Mandy Moore


Heal the world-Michael Jackson


Heal The World Lyrics




What If God Was One Of Us Lyrics

Hmmm the last song...is quite...questionable in the sense if it was for or against Christianity.But you know what, it makes a lot of sense and it just puts the cry of so many people out there into a song.

You know what, you dont need to listen to christian music 24/7 to tell the world you are righteous.Whats wrong with secular music anyway if they are soul-soothing???We are humans for goodness' sake.So yes, to me, any music that is soul-soothing in lyrics/melody/beat/all mentioned before is worth a try and will be entitled a space in my Ipod.

I'm selective about stuff i'm listening to now but stuff like Britney spears reflect my growth too.I grew up listening to those...just as i grew up idolising Justin Timberlake hahaha.He's a really good musician(2 grammys to his name and really good performer in the sense hes so professional) and what he does with his life...is really his to make out of.Its not easy being in the music industry.And his family kinda have some parallel to mine although his dad is actually a pastor. Mandy moore too...we actually have quite similar music taste haha! (rachael yamagata and a bunch of others less known artistes).Whats my point?Music transcend cultures, race, geographical distance.(Crediting Our journey here...)

I should seriously put links to my blog.Why? so that people who do chance upon this blog(yes yes, advance google search christine lek leads you here), shall find other blogs that are more interesting and will GET OUT of this.haha...
In the meantime, I'm spicing it with music and loads of other stuff i have never done before.Technology is not bad thing.Its how you use it that makes the difference. Rachel and I's TOK topic is the ethics of piracy and file-sharing-wonderful topic eh?I have so many ideas for the presentation already.However, now now, there is a risk putting it up here since people can steal it and do a better job.Whatever it is man, we are...ones of the top few female singers in the school (self-declared but give us the credits-we so deserve it) so whatever it is again, our PPT WILL ROCK.

Today...ROCKS
I had fun.
Thank you all the gals of 5.15 except for Jeanette whose circumstances forbade her from getting out of the house. WE WANT TO KILL YOU.We shall stage another investigation for the best dress for Jeanette soon.You wait gal, haha...no escaping =P
Thank GoD...we had fun knowing You are with us.
Thank the producers and actors and everyone who helped produce Borne:Ultimatum-the best out of 3.Best script, best story, best acting, best cinematographic features, best photography and best directing too...weee...Check it out man.I'm really indeed satisfied with the ending of the Borne series.
Thank God for vivocity- for the guys who came and well, got suaned and well, i hope you had fun being suaned man haha..
I really believe our favourite pastime is suaning guys wahaha.Have some courage before coming to our table eh? but then you all are so used to it/trained by now haha.Its good training for future endeavors =D
Oh I absolutely love my laptop.I can work anywhere now-even in MOS cos i can actually access internet from there.
Lluvia-Cant wait man.SYC ENSEMBLE SINGERS IN ACTION =D
SGB- oh man...i'm in it.External relations representative.I hope i didnt land myself into another mess...but oh well..AS God guides.I did pray about it...and oh well God, You will have to REALLY take control!!!

Okiee...I dont feel like blogging anymore. SONGS PLEASE...(and here they are)

My overplayed songs so far:
1)Soulmate- Natasha Bedingfield
2)All corrinne May stuff
3)Umbrella-Mandy moore version
4)Clockwatching-Jason Mraz
5)God of wonders
6)From the inside out
....
..
.

MORE SONGS NEEDED!

I have no idea why i titled my post as such but yeah...it was another random thought.

I have quite a lot on my mind these past few days yet i refrain from blogging every time.Hoa has a point.You should blog more when you are happy and dont blog when you are feeling kinda blue and depressed because then you can read the happier entries when you are down haha. The blog then should just record more positive stuff so you can read them when you are not very cheery.

Shall i recount events? I have so many in my head i dont know where to begin.Lets start with retreat. Since its still at the back of my mind and i have quite vivid memories of it for the moment.

Okkayy..thats it.Lets just recount whatever that comes to my mind.

Teachers' Day
I was almost zombified coming to school, having slept at about 2 am the night before despite my attempt to sleep earlier.Well, I was on MSN, making cards, looking through stuff and finally just browsing Facebook.Yeah, okay, facebook is a lot better than friendster haha but my attitude towards this kinda network thing doesnt really change. I joined friendster thanks to mr sin ming wei's persuasion dunno how long back and now i joined facebook cos of Dung.I guess i just joined to keep in touch with people and know what they are doing.For example, Ms Goh Wee Suan was added to my list on facebook by well...some reason unknown to me.Its nice to see her doing well in St Andrews though, and its even nicer to know shes engaged hahaha.Anyway back to Teachers' Day, I wrote a bunch of cards for the male teachers and brought 3 really beautiful roses for the female teachers. The entire day was spent...walking(ACES day)-i have no idea whats the use of the so long walk...and honestly, its quite useless in terms of reminding us to keep fit...but i guess it provides opportunity for everyone to just talk and hang out with their classes and teachers.I stuck with Alyssha and abandoned 5.15 since most of the girls were somewhere(Eryn and Rach choir, Jeanette conveniently ponned it) and Denise is ever so comfortable with the guys-not that I am not, but for the moment, i need to get away from them.Alyssha and i just talked and reminisced a lot about Crescent- how ACES day was spent dancing and teaching each other mass dance and how the walk reminded us of the mass run back then.Oh well...The concert was really extravagant and i thought it was good stuff too though it ended quite abruptly.It was very different from how Crescent celebrated it.I guess attended it to know the atmosphere of of teachers day in a boys school.I love the videos though haha.Michael Buble stuff too....and of course, Butler's video starring butler and prolly directed by Butler.

I didnt go back to crescent-cos ive been coming back so often.but yes, Mdm ting will get her coffee(so long overdue), ms goh will get her earrings and mr m and mr ravi their russian dolls i owed so long back.

Went out with nic and sheila after that at suntec to watch a really lousy movie called the legion.Please dont even bother watching it.I have no idea why we were, oh yes because rush hour was sold out and the rest of the shows were too late.I was quite zonked going there, and fell asleep for a few moments since the movie just yawns "boorrriinnngg."

Retreat
I shall go into the emo part of it.Since thats the part i want to blog about anyway.
God came...for everyone else but me i guess.I couldnt cry any tears or did i feel God was really there for me.I just couldnt feel His presence in the way i felt during LDC or in mid June or when the family crisis happened.The message too didnt get to me.I knew about Jimmy Elliot through the musical "love above all." It was a lot more touching watching it i guess. I remember the musical let God speak to me about the role of women too..how the 5 wives were so strong and how Elizabeth Elliot showed courage beyond anything Ive ever heard of.I have read of Ruth Graham too but yes, to loose your husband and to return and help the people who killed him...that takes enormous strength, mighty courage and unwavering faith.Anyway, that wasnt my thoughts for that night of retreat. My thoughts led me to the family members being unsaved and those closer to home that yet to hear the message about Jesus.Ive saved quite a few souls, I have even done some sort of follow up and yes...im quite skilled at sharing the gospel..but for what if your family(distant) are not saved?That wasnt my only burden for the night.Streams of thoughts flooded me about how much ive strayed from God the past week, having surrendered to the toll of workload and fatigue and emotional stress.I need to draw closer to Him now..when the problems i face are out of my hands and though i thought i have done what i think best, it is not exactly working.I'm feeling so..torn.Gosh.I just want to live the life God asks me to and for His glory.Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do because Satan attacks you the most when you are on fire for Jesus.But...everybody needs Jesus.The peoples need Jesus. They dont need christianity the religion, they just need Jesus.(quoting the guest pastor for today's mission sunday...)

This leads me to...the family again.
My parents are having cold war.Dad slept in the studying room last night.I have..however, decided to ignore them for the moment. I have my laptop now and yes...that means i'm spending a lot less time walkin about the house and instead can confine myself in my room for unperturbed peace.I'm on good terms with dad but just..hes using me as the punch bag and sometimes, i'm the only person to be subjected to his little demands which i found really quite irritating.God says though...to honor your parents..and i will.If I dont have God, i dont know what i would do sometimes.I would be..such a malicious and corrupted person.

Ive been thinking about one more thing-about single and lonely people who are looking for love and have not found it.The past week spent living with my cousin made me reflect on it.The fact is this too...no one has the gift of celebacy and everyone is commanded to marry, just that some are not so fortunate to find the one . Every girl...and I do mean it, every girl's dream(much as they dont want to admit to it, one good example being me) is to have a family and a home..to be married when they grow up.Thats the ultimate dream.God make us this way and God fills us with that need and dream too.Oh well, it's quite a surprise for myself to dwell so much on such a subject since yes, i can confidently say that i can live a life of a single if it arises to such a state.

I'll end with this song...its a beautiful yet really melancholic song.The lyrics are beautiful and so is the melody.The artiste herself too, is beautiful, for having written and sung it with such indescribable emotions...

Soulmate
Natasha Bedingfield



Incompatible, it don't matter though'
cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find
Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being toldsomebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone