Time to fly

29/6/07

Today is probably the happiest day so far since LDC.The later half of June has been very bleak for me, blaqued by all problems...with a lot of challenges and trials that i thought i could never come through.God is however gracious and He has proven it time and time again that He will carry me over the troubled waters no matter what.He has done it again this time.Thank You Lord.You are indeed my shield, my strength, my deliverer,strong tower, my very present help in time of need.

Lets recount today from its very beginning, since its indeed a memorable day.

Well, I was slacking around the house in the morning.I woke up quite early, having slept pretty early the night before.I didnt know what to do but watch tv and had miso soup for breakfast.What followed is just slacking in front of the tv; managed to catch House on AXN...but after a while, even the charms of Dr Chase couldnt really grasp my full attention and so, i decided to watch a korean movie ive bought in vietnam,Almost Love.It turned out to be a comedy, but the again, i never finished watching as well haha.Halfway through it, i was agitated and went to bathe,had a good massage shower.I havent used the salt shrub and other massage stuff for ages.Felt really refreshed and relaxed after that. To keep this post to moderate length, i'll summarise the rest of the morning.I went to Tiong Bahru to try the corn soup in Moss...not bad at all, until i added too much PEPPER (the whole little packet) and had a hard time trying to finish it..cos it was too hot haha.I also bought yet again a pair of crystal earrings HAHAHA.Oh man, I need to exercise some self-control over crystals. I just go bongus over them...

The rest of the morning/afternoon was spent fruitfully,meaningfully in Crescent.Hayz, I love crescent to bits.I came back, unaware that it was their youth day celebration...and hence was a huge surprise for me to see so many friends coming back.The best part was probably attending the concert put up by the teachers; sitting on par with the teachers in one of those chairs..haha...The concert was BRILLIANT.Oh man...I felt then as if i had never left this wonderful school. All the teachers were just so hilarious with their skits and songs and dance items, and of course, the item by teacher newbies was always fun to watch.The best skit, though, must be awarded to the humanities and english department hahaha.They danced to "Buttons" by the pussycat dolls, imitating the same moves some more...oh man..it was HILARIOUS haha...I recorded bits here and there, took some photos using my HP too haha.So many memories of this place flooded back as well.4 youth days...The best was of course in sec 4...Mdm Katini and Mr.whats his name put up an indian dance item of lovers dancing around the coconut trees(the other teachers being the coconut trees haha)...it was of course hilarious...i remember laughing so hard my stomach hurt.Hayz, such beautiful memories...now only to be reminisced.

I managed to catch up with a bunch of old friends who are now in NJ and RJ,had lunch with them and Ms Shervonne, the IT teacher in sec 2.Talking to her about Crescent and ACSI's IT development, I just swelled with pride for the simple fact that i was once a student here.Crescent is currently the official Microsoft's mentor school, the first in the whole world.It will share its expertise with other schools around the whole.It's also the school of the future.A lot of funds from corporate companies are being pumped in for IT infrastruture.Every girl owns a Tablet PC.Manga drawings(drawn used Tablet PC and microsoft's programs) from the girls are displayed and showcased in Microsoft's headquarters as the example of success in their investments in schools with the tablet PC.My almar mater is doing well =)

The highlight of the day,though, was prolly the catching up with various teachers.I managed to see Mdm Ting in the hall, and also told her about her vietnamese coffee haha.I'm going to give it to her on speech day when i'd be coming back to receive a prize.Let's hope its not on 21 july...since its also BB care day...hayz...see how.i really want to come back to crescent and be there to watch the choir perform as well. Hmm caught up with Ms Sharon Goh, my TDP/sec 2 lit teacher.Oh man, had a good talk with her as well, over lit haha.She's asking me to come back and do mentoring/tutoring for lit on days I'm free.I'm really tight this term in terms of schedule and workload with bb and IB reaching its climax of workload for the year at the same time.But I'm also really keen in serving and yeah, just helping out the juniors...I'll pray about it.

I talked to Mr Ravi, sec 4 english teacher...told him about the desire to enter law school and me doing 3 humanities and all.He was really helpful, offering help in terms of my speech and pronunciation, saying if i need prof help, give him a call haha.Oh well, a bit too early for that dont ya think.In any case, I had the assurance from him that i can do anything i want and just go for it man.You never know until you try...And he who applied for law school before would know best haha.I also talked to Mr M.Oh man, I misssseeedd him so muccchh.Bleah...Most of the stuff he taught, i still remember word for word.Looking back, had we not have him as our lit teacher in sec 4, my interest and aptitude for lit that was developed in sec 1 and 2 would have been buried so deep i doubt i would could continue doing it any longer...And of course, my A2 for combined humanities(of which i dunno which one decided the a2 grade) would not have been possible.Hmm...told him about law school too...had the same assurance and confidence Mr ravi gave me.One more fact that made my day and inspired me tremendously: The top graduate in Princeton University for this year is a Crescent Girl.She actually invited Mrs Tan, my A math teacher for sec 3 and 4 to come all the way to the states for the ceremony.That's how much she was grateful for the teachers she had in Crescent.Oh man, if i ever top my university in the future, prolly wont happen, but if it does...I'll prolly invite one of my teachers in Crescent too...and its probably Mr M or Ms Sharon Goh.OH...Ms Goh is MARRIED.hahaha...and just married too..in june.hahaha...finally eh...Happy for her hehehe =))

Well, the afternoon was spent watching fantastic 4 with Alyssha, Gareth,Alsome,Han ann and Patrick.I didnt actually wanted to watch due to various reasons but well, finally decided to come to the call of rescue of Alyssha who was in the only girl until I came.F4 was good, not bad really.Pretty humorous, and I like the ending too.I think, in every heroic movie, love is the one theme that always dominate,and its also the cause for which many of the heroes act.Oh well, love makes the world go round doesnt it?

Hahaha...I seriously dun have any self control over crystals.They have such a place in my heart man!I have a soft spot for them tooo...I bought yet another pair at heeren.Oh yeah, the lady is really kind...she gave me 15% discount although i'm not member.And she actually assured me that she will continue to do the same if i come back to patronise the store. Well, I love the store's collection of earrings...really beautiful stuff...so haha yeah, she can count on me coming back..but not any time soon i think.After Alyssha managed to get a pencil case for her sister, we went back to join the guys whom we had abandoned in the pursuit of unperturbed peace for shopping.I left Alyssha with them and went my own way to Great World to get the hillsong discounted Cds.Another God-made encounter. The lady who was selling was really kind too.She asked about my church service and all since i was buy hillsong cds.Shes actually from Grace's assembly of God..hahah!Its so near Crescent and so near my church too..oh well...it's a small world, or rather, it's a very small island we're living on.I also secured another 10% discount for subsequent purchases haha.Hehehe, aint I good or wat?I think I do have some pretty good shopping skills dont ya agree??? =))

Okie...its a very long post already.Its quite a day for me, to meet so many old friends and old teachers and find new acquaintances that totally made my day.My weeks had been rather sombre, with the atmosphere in the house being so tense and cold...coupled with the hopelessness of every passing CTs and not get into con camp.To add to that, there were few people i could really share whats troubling me in my heart.I'm just very torn.The devil is attacking i think...telling me its all my fault, all my failures that made the situation the way it is..my inability to handle relationships well, my failure in being a good daughter to both sets of parents, my habit of keeping everything to myself...I'm sorry, but, yeah, I'm trying very hard sometimes to deal with emotions.On the other hand, another voice is telling me i should just get into the actions and deal with the problems first.I'm running to God for help, praying on my knees every night before i sleep because i could not sleep with all those thoughts racing through my mind.I just hope my passion, my love, my enthusiam for Him is not sporadic, temporal resulted from emotional upheavals.Even today when I'm rejoicing, Lord, I pray i'll remember to give thanks to you for everything, because its you who have permitted these wonderful events to take place.

Okie...really..enough.I'm really stopping.Emo blogging is no good...and i'm doing it yet again.

28/6/07

The common tests are OVER!Finally...And I thought i would never last through it.I just want to thank God for pulling me through every paper,especially for today, the heaviest HL subjects on the same day.God, You are ever so gracious although I'm worth none of your blessings.Let everything I 've done (and I can say i've tried my best) a glory to your name.

Oh well, having said that, it doesnt mean i wasn't suffering haha.I think there were considerable parts of my brain being deep fried. In the end, i felt really relieved, probably for the fact that the slaughter/terror part 1 is thankfully over.It's not for quite a number of my friends so hmm guys, just hang in there man.At least they can come in smart casuals tomorrow and take exams wahaha.Such a joke.

Hayz...Today is my only resting day.Tomorrow is clean-up time for the unbelievably messy study room.It looks like a huge tornado has just swept through it heh.There's also the amazing amount of notes and books i have.I know its a lot but i only realise how much there is now that i've taken them all out and let them lie around haha.Oh well, as i said, term 3 is the term.No more messing around man.I'm quite sick of playing.Time to get to serious with my work and time to own!Hmmm....I really can't stand failing anymore...My level of tolerance for failures has alarmingly increased since my entering ACS.Oh man, it needs to decrease back to O level standard.Yeah.

I'm certain now Im going to drop Math HL and take HL english instead.I've been thinking about it for so long and yeah, this exams well ..kind of confirms it for me.Triple Humanities...weee...I'm excited haha.I'm kissing HL math goodbye.It's been fun man, especially with the portfolio and all, but yeah,It's enough.Math and sciences are really not my cup of tea haha.

Okie, the tv is wailing.I shall go check it out =)

I've been too selfish.I've only thought of myself and no others.My pain is magnified when i zoomed in too much.And I have zoomed in by 200 degrees.

Now I'm zooming out.I don't care how i feel now.People I've hurt need to know i do care.People I've hurt are the people closest to me.I havent written or called my father in vietnam.I dont know how.And yeah, I can use my excuse of having exams...but yeah.How to say sorry and tell him that sometimes, I wish i have just one father.Sometimes, I wish it was him, and other times i was dad John.

Friends, my father, grandma, my mom, who else...people who are there for me all the times, my anchors, but i have hurt them.But sometimes, just sometimes, i wish they understand, it's hard.

I'll pray more for people that need prayers.I'll think about them more and less of myself.I'll learn to deal with problems and pain because there people out there, past and present who have done it, with God's help. I'll praise the Lord for the blessings...like the wallet incident/accident.Thank you Lord, for dear friends(John tay, kenneth, tessa,evelyn,timonthy).I dont know what i would have done without them all.For times when i thought i have no one, God, You show me how much you care, and how much you love this unworthy daughter of yours.Lord, I feel like i'm going to disappoint you even more with this coming common tests, and i'm sorry.But I'm learning, learning to cope, to breathe, to trust in You for everything(and i mean everything).

Erica confirmed with me she would not patch things up with her boyfriend.Imagine my happiness.God is answering prayers.Despite her friends' strong influence, and his persuasion, she's standing firm...alone.It's time she meets her Creator, dont you think?I'm rejoicing.

Plus de blogging en francais. Je dois repeter mon francais qui est dans un condition pathetique.Le francais, comme tout le monde qui me bien connait, est mon sujet preferee depuis quand j'ai commence le apprendre.Maintenant?Mon interet et le passion pour le francais sont perdant a le rational practique. Je sais pas si j'aurai besoin de francais dans l'avenir, mais maintent, hormis l'utilisation dans l'hotel de ma mere, je peut pas penser d'autres raisons.Au contraire, je peut toujours donner des frais de scolarite apres la BI.Je veut prendre les frais de scolarite de mdm Salin encore.Elle me manque.Peut-etre, avoir une francaise pour m'aider dans mes etudes fera ramener mon interet. Assez de sujet de francais.

Il y a personnes qui auraient ras-le-bol quand ils liront ceci.On comprendra rien.Pas mon probleme. Et c'est pourquoi je veut ecrire en francais ici.Un peu lente, mais tres neanmois efficace.

J'ai relit des entres de l'anne dernier.Je me rend qu'il y a tellement de d'emotions reflechi sur le sujet de lui, c'est pas si bon une idee pour avoir une archive.Je pense trop,c'est la probleme.Je suis trop libre quand je dois etre tres occupee...c'est une autre probleme plus grande.

Ok,Im going to blog in french for the new few days.I'll close down this blog soon i think.Too much info, too much emotions into here.I really dont think.I dont like reviving the archives too, realising its too much of emotions once well hidden and now revealed.I'll just hide them all in, or just put them at the Lord's feet or in the prayer book.Blogging is addictive too, which is bad.Ok.QT and sleep time.I hate myself....and pessimism is really getting to me...God, help.

Random thoughts and unexpected events

I've decided to be colorful for this post. Not exactly to describe my mood but rather the events and random thoughts that just flooded me these few days. Hmm...orange rocks.

The events first.

I have a new cousin. He's born on the 19 of June 2007. His name? Dang Minh Khoi. Not exactly the best name..bleah...I thought it's really ewwww...But then, his sister, sweet sweet sister Bong named him. Sweet.

One of my youth leaders is getting married next month. Karen is kinda the star-youth leader in Ywav. She invited my sister but not me. I think she's gonna invite the whole youth ministry by just annoucing it at one of the Saturdays in the near future haha.It saves her about 80++ invitation cards.Or maybe...on the 2nd thought, she'll give each cell grp a card. Oh well, we'll see. Haha.Hmm...She and Joel, have been together for dunno how long.I would suspect 5 years ++...I've been wondering when they will ring the wedding bell.Hmm...it'll be a fun wedding...because i can finally wear the dress Mom bought.Haha.How's that for being random.

My sister is going back to Vietnam this sunday. I'm going to church alone.Oh well, It's not the first time. In fact its been like that many times, since Dad refuses to go without Mom. Hayz.He's really suffering here because he really misses Mom.On the other hand,I dont really know if their arguing over my airport fiasco has been resolved. I would really hope it is. Going to church alone would also means more travelling time, of which i mostly use to think rather than revise my work.For this sat, with the looming exams, I would think i'll revise. After all, Robert Frost's poems are really taking an effect on me, a good effect. I just realise how excellent they are only when i got to analyse them deeper in details. Mending Wall and After Apple Picking are competiting to be my favourite, although its not very fair since i've not even looked at Woodpile. I'm ignoring Wilfred Owens and Wole Soyinka...the former, I think we've had too much of him and we've done so many practices on him, it would be absurb to test us again. The latter, Mrs Yeo's attitude about him suggested his stuff are too hard to be examined for this CT.But then again, there's always a probability that both will come out.Well, God, You can always choose to surprise me.(does that actually sound rude???)

My house is in a crisis. First the coup de l'electricite and now the coup de l'eau.Maybe it's God reminding us how much we need to treasure the luxury we're living in, not to take for granted the bare necessities that are considered luxuries by many other less unfortunate homes.I'm trying not to be too reflective. Doesn't work.

I talked to a french colleague of my uncle today.He's here for well, business i suppose. They were looking for my dad but my uncle was also introducing me, saying i've been to france and all.So well, I started with Bonjour. Told him about my trip to Bordeaux, to which he asked "hows the wine". haha.I was so fluent I actually surprised myself.Heh..

If you are sick of the monotone i'm using, im sorry. I'm kind of lack emotions at this point. For now...the very emotional parts.Change colour to suit the mood of course.

How's black for my emo musing. I actually have more audience to this blog than i want.But now, I'm just so used to blogging without the concern of this blog being read.Wadeva man...If you wanna read, be my guest...its not like my blog is the most interesting one around and isnt it too depressing for most people???On the other hand, it hides my obvious emotions pretty well. I dont exactly like to state it obviously in black and white...because well...My emotions are for me to know and for you to find out.Period.(God already knows my emotions and its mostly in my prayer book so there you go)

I have NO IDEA why relationship and relationship stuff just keeps coming at me. Oh man, have some thoughts for the lonely won't you...on the note of the lonely,I just remember the last line of AEOP, is "...and the strong must learn to be lonely."Hmm, I actually like it. It's very true don't you think.

I'm just dangerously calm right now. The fact is that my exams are coming in about 72 hours and i've not even finished studying most of the content.I cant really concentrate...and It's history repeating itself.Does it just mean I really didnt learn anything from last year experience after coming back from europe?I hope not. The situation then was different, but then again, we can always find excuses. We human are superb at that. Me? I'll rather put all the fault to myself.Is it the lack of faith or my pessimistic nature extending its wrath, but I dont really have much hope in passing the CT. Where is the passion, fire, determination,unyielding desire to excel i used to have back in sec 4?I could choose to blame it on the mentorship of Erica, but on the other hand, i had an option didn't I? I would hate to think I'm failing because I'm doing God's Work. The irony is too great for me to accept. How God-honoring is one when she's not even trying to glorify Him in the matters supposedly most important to her now?There's the answer i need to give to Charles, which I really don't look forward to. There are also teachers who will just lose all the faith they have in me.So much for having "a lot of potential." But do they know things I'm experiencing?Everything that could have gone wrong has. Every blessing that could have been given has poured out but somehow, I have this overwhelming sense of guilt that i actually just ignored them all and relied on my own strength. Mouth worshipping God, actions don't match. I have no idea how i can try to bring people to Christ when my own personal life doesn't exactly look enticing at this point. Okay...ENOUGH.

Pessimism and negativism have joined forces and extended their wrath beyond my control. It's just ONE exam...but yeah...I'm not thinking so .I'm thinking of the 30% it constitutes to the final grade. I'm thinking of how people actually look at what i do and find it hard to say they want to accept christianity. I'm thinking of what to actually tell my teachers when i come back to Crescent to receive a prize for doing well last year next month. The irony.It's absurd. I'm just lacking so much faith...GOD!ARE YOU THERE!!!ARRGHHHHHHHHH

Okay, on the lighter note, there's BS, prayer meeting, food rationing, REACH service tomorrow. Hmm...haven't gone for food rationing for a really really long time. It's gonna make me think even more..oh man..this is not good...REACH service though, promises to be good. "Freedom within boundaries". Its theme. Such a pity the timing couldn't be anymore inappropriate. I couldnt successfully invite anyone since everybody is busy studying.Another opportunity squandered.I think, I'll revise my EE stuff after exams, after all AIs and IOP are settled. BB though, is getting more exciting and more hectic...hopefully my EE skills will be honed enough for use by then. I'm not going to bother to explain whats EE. I'm blogging for myself anyway.If you are someone reading this, it would be more advisable to ask me about it. If you are in need of some evangelism skills, and desperate to share Christ (all of you reading this blog should be), you should really ask me.I'm more than happy to share.Its a wonderful tool.To give some evidence, I brought 4+ people to Christ using it. I actually lost count.The wonderful thing, and of course, the flip side of the coin...It's hard to follow up people you converted on the streets.

My sister's way of communication to her bf just makes me want to crack up. Okie, it sounds mean, but honestly...its just...WEIRD.It's too formal to begin with...i won't give examples. i think its mean enough for me to actually blog about this. Then again, its a random thought.

More random thought? Hmm...I might consider going back to crescent to help the sec 4s. I'm passing most of my notes to my dear choir buddie, Alpha.Time flies, she's in sec 4. I still remember the day when i was introduced to her in sec 2. She was of course sec 1.Really thank you Lord for such wonderful friendship/mentorship/sisterhood. She really is taking after me..the good..and the bad..heh.Languages and humanities rock.Sciences stone. Choir rules.Ms Tham is ultra cool.Top of the class is a lonely place to be. Failures are inevitable. God is the Ruler of all. Alpha dearie, follow me all the way to IB yeah?? And if you actually do, you'll probably join BB too hahah.

Even more random thoughts?Kenneth lim and I click. I actually thought i wouldn't get along with him and all...but now?Thanking God for such a nice surprise and a very good friend. Law is the possible path. History is the ultimate subject.Math and sciences are evil. God is good all the time.A sense of humor is very much what clicks us though. Hmm...Thank You Lord, for a friend like Kenneth.

Tu me manque.Il y a des choses que je veut te dire.Mais...j'ai peur aussi. Il y a trop de doutes....et alors, je suis desolee.Tu merite mieux mais moi?Je suis pas prete.Je pense trop, c'est que je sais. Les emotions si fortes qu'ils me faisaient pleurer,mais doivaient etre comprime. Je suis trop immature pour ceci.J'ai pas d'emotions a ce moment. Et le plus important?J'ai peur que tu sois blesse.

Songs of the moment:

Though it all
From the inside out
4 in the morning

Enough said.

Musings

My blog has been way too depressing. And I'm not that depressed outside. Or so I think...Ignorance is bliss for now.I'm just studying at my own pace, no stress sometimes...I have no idea why i'm so calm this time. Maybe that's cos God is really control, or out of control.Either way, Its bad, because my productivity is low. Anywayyy, today's entry will be about some funny stuff i've observed around me and read about.Oh by the way, my archive actually works. I thought it didnt, but it does. I just checked it and yeah, realised my style of blogging hasn't changed much, since sec 3.The lack of obvious emotions, just sarcastic remarks and short musings...in all pretty standard english and correct punctuation.Haha.

(added on 22/6/07/)

Hmm..i have the habit of not completing my post...and now there are no humorous musings i can actually think of haha.I'll just do a week in a nutshell next post...and some random thoughts.

A thankfulness of sound

This is written in the concert booklet for an SYC Ensemble Singers' concert "muocaaeyiwcoum" by conductor Jennifer Tham.

"We born to sing. For no other reason could the intricate machinery of the voice-box exist: six pairs of muscles stablising the oft-rocked cradle of three cartilages that adjust the vocal folds according the whim or will. To use the vocal instrument only for speaking would be a tragedy akin to driving an All-Terrain Vehicle round the corner to the local 7-11. For a packet of peanuts.

Thus, as we worry the overtones out of our systems this evening, we are thankful for this natural ability to sing, also for each unique singing instrument-a composite of body,mind and desire to communicate-that augments and amplifies the others to produce the sensuous buzzing sonotities that massage our spirit on and off stage."

My ex-conductor rocks.Dont you see why now? Hayz...i miss her to bits... and i miss Crez choir too. There's a desire to belong to a body of enthusiastic, crazily hyper and music-fanatical choristers...once again. Sigh.

I just found Erica's blog. To think I was called "dear dearrest cousin, to sweet gal"...demoding to just "couzzie and older cousin" as the days gone by...that just amplifies my depression box.

There is an overwhelming urge to blog about my family.But I won't. Just the thought of it makes me tear. I have a lot to do tonight, and no time to be emo/depressed/sad/hopeless anymore. I have God. Though i'm weak, He is strong.

I have the feeling of just hanging on to a bare threat of hope. God, is this how hard it is getting? Is it the hardest part yet? No? If it's no, i don't know i'll last. if it's a yes, I can't say for sure i'll pass. Lord, are You carrying me through? I have only You sometimes now...and soon, You is all I have to hang on.And maybe, that's what You want.

From next week onward, It's just me and You. Sister gone, mom gone, dad might go, Officers gone except for Mr Zhiguang whom i don't really know. Mrs Lui left though. Friends too busy with their studies for me to disturb. There's Sheila though, but shes studying too. Perfect timing, everyone.

Everybody seems to be busy. But You are not.And so, I'll run to You.

Journey
Lyrics & music: Corrinne May

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know You'll be standing by my side

It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to You
Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will You break down these walls and pull me through

Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To You

Memories

The previous post was rather messy, because i let my thoughts led.In this post, i will take control.I won't attempt to express emotions but rather let the words do the job. If you get it, you get it, if you don't, too bad.

This blog, created in 2004, had the purpose of being my diary online. It wasnt publicised, but rather, friends picked up the fact along the way that i changed my address and well, one link led to another, most of my friends updated their links.It was abandoned for some time, revamped, abandoned yet again...until it was devoid of all audience but a faithful few, who, eventually, also abandoned their pursuit. I blogged freely with the thought in mind that nobody read it, except a random few who came and went. Today, i'll do the same as i did 1 year ago. This blog wasn't created for an audience. It was for myself, and maybe God. I remember blogging about this topic before..won't dwell too much in it now. Anyway, my prayer book was started on the same year. So the prayer book was for God, and this blog for myself. Today, I'll just blog as if nobody reads, as if my only audience is God and myself, and hence, the deepest of thoughts will run, with me keeping them in check. Christine, are you ready?The journey back to memory lane begins. Sit tight, and hold on; you might lose yourself.

Why now, you ask? Why when amidst all the mad preparations for my looming exams, drawing so near like the ominous clouds hanging dangerously low in the heavens tonight,amidst my worries for all the IAs and assignments undone, i'm taking precious time out to do this, which might cost me hours? The need to cry it out, the need to reflect, the need to understand myself, the need to draw something from the memories to allow me to continue...thats my answer to you. I won't go back so far as my childhood in vietnam.I'll go back to Crescent. The 4 years in which character was built, faith was challenged, love was expressed in abundance, care was given in endless supply, and most important of all, fears were finally triumphed in God's amazing grace.

I came to crescent to collect my O level cert yesterday. If there was one word to describe the experience, it was nolstagic. The bus ride, which I was so familiar with,(275 to the interchange, 132 to crescent) was well, different. I remember the mornings of school, when the bus was packed with girls in bright yellow and blue uniform,away from whom a few lonesome Rgs girls, scgs girls, sji boys and cjc students would sit(though the number of these increased by the year). I always went up, cos the bus is always a double-deckered bus, and listened to my mp3, then wasnt an Ipod, trying to catch some 10 min sleep, or in the days of tests or exams, cramping in information in my notes. It was routine as such, but yeah, even then, the bus ride was memorable. I always struggled with some fear, some thoughts, something...because not all school days were good. Yesterday ride, being in the afternoon, was lacked of any of the mentioned parties. It was just scattered with old folks and well, myself.

The whole area around Crescent registered some memories. Although i see it every sunday morning going to church where the car would turn into margaret drive from tanglin rd, it was nothing like yesterday.The traffic light reminded me of the many times i stood there frustrated in the blazing hot sun of the afternoon, trying to catch a coming bus from the opposite site to go for my french lesson. If I missed it, particularly for sec 4, i would be late.Going up the familiar ramp leading to the school, i saw some npcc girls going home. Someone was also walking up, probably like me, collecting cert, or maybe for some other reasons. I just knew she was an old girl. The guards are the same, the fat lady who used to stop me and Nat from going out to buy food in sec 4, from whom we hid, smuggling illegal food in from mobil, during illegal hours. We always succeeded. The food items? It was sometimes orders from the class, sometimes for ourselves, mainly potato chips, (lays), sour power, drinks, large amount of chocolates and sweets.They were our essentials, closest friends in time of trials..we ate them throughout afternoon lessons in which the temptation to sleep threatened to win over our determination to pay attention.They were always shared...despite whoever that paid for them.

The front office was the same as it was when i was sec 4. It was renovated for our 50th anniversary.The huge picture of Ms Lau, my teacher-in-charge for TDP, smiling radiantly, discussing something with a group of students over the tablet pc dominated the wall. It was of course a posed photo. I myself was part of such photos once.Oh well, mine never made it there. Thankfully. Anyway, the swing door which i forgot was ungratefully still in place. It swung back to hit my hand that was still holding on the other door and oh well, blood spilled on one of my fingers. I wasnt alarmed, still trying to call the attendant lady who was the same, who was attending to one of the girls. It was about photostating of report card... I smiled to myself little;i understood perfectly how it felt...knowing that report cards given out later were always because the students didnt do well and had to see teachers. The worse one does, the higher the authority one sees. I saw the HOD of english, my own english teacher, Mr. Ravi. I wont attempt to discuss what happened, because its just a few posts below. Anyway, back to my finger, which by now was bleeding mad, potentially dropping blood onto the floor. I went for the first aid box, cos the attendant lady was still busy anyway, and i didnt want to dirty the floor. The first aid box probably was asking itself why it was called so. It had nothing inside except a bottle of camomile lotion and some bandage rolls that cant be of use. No cotton wools, no plasters. I had to use my tissue which i realised only then that i brought, to wipe the blood. I was signing my name after collecting the cert with the same hand. I made no fuss about it, whilst the attendant lady was in a fiasco, going for the same first aid box and exclaimed outloud my previous sentiments, complaining about the door. The whole thing stopped when they realised how unbothered I was about the cut. Blood, is after all, intriguing.

The cert, couldnt look any more ordinary. Pun intended. It was green, but it was just some elaminated paper that states my grades. It looks pretty impressive. No Bs. Of course..it was the the exact same grades as my prelims. You might as well tell me that my prelims were my O level grades...cos there was nothing that differed. It states the following:
English A ONE english cambridge
Combined Humanites A TWO english cambridge
Geography A TWO english cambridge
French A ONE french cambridge
Elementary mathematics A ONE english cambridge
Additional mathematics A ONE english cambridge
Combined Science A ONE english cambridge

My purpose for doing this? So that i would remember i suppose, and for my own musing. The 2 A2s are actually humanities, subjects i was supposed to own. Well, I was indeed very disappointed with geography, but wasnt very surprised for combined humanities, as my lit wasnt fantastic thusfar in sec 4, despite it being my favourite subject. Oh well, one truth it emphasised: my God-blessed linguistic abilities. Mr Ravi actually shook my hands, or rather demanded to shake my hands before the results were released. I thought it was about to get 6 pts for 7 A1s straight or something grand, but yeah, he shook my hands because i had A1 for english. He had written in one of my essays submitted close to prelims "christine, you have the potential to achieve an A1 (he underlined A1)..." My essays to that point were always A2s, frustratingly A2s...i was settling for A2 for english, pushing my humanities for all A1. I remember too i was also quite sad because it would mean i didnt have the linguistic ability to become a lawyer. Later on, my essays were well... A1s..only 2 of them mind you. He was probably very proud of the fact that i achieved my potential. I was after all, his most outspoken student, second only to Nat, and probably the few girls who understood his sarcastic remarks. I used to be the only one laughing at his remarks; they were to criticise us, but of course, my classmates didnt understand them, and also, hence, they thought he was irritating, speaking rubbish most of the time. The truth? He was brilliant, extremely sarcastic but extremely caring at the same time,. he was christian too mind you. I picked up a lot of sarcastic phrases from him. My sensitivity to sarcasm also increased exponentially thanks to him haha.

To be honest, I didnt feel anything of typical-results-day sentiments. I didnt feel good, i didnt feel proud of what i achieved, i didnt exactly feel like a failure, but there was nothing exciting or special about it. I saw those grades for prelims...surprise a little wont you? Anyway, i remember results day, smses from ppl in acs, the BB guys, coming in minutes after results were released, asking how i did. I told them without excitement. I remember smsing Adriel "i dunno whether to laugh or cry", to which he replied "praise God!" God was probably reminding me then to glorify Him, and after receiving the sms, i silently said a prayer thanking Him for the results, which probably guaranteed me a place in acsi. People around me would have killed for those grades, but i wasnt even proud of them. Whats with them anyway, just As. Recalling it now, it was my sec 2 wish that my O cert would be nicely all As...now that ive achieved it, nothing about it seems memorable.The cert was thrown into my luggage that contains books from vietnam. I didnt even look at it once upon reach home, didnt even show my family yet.

I'll tell you now whats momerable. Prelims was what memorable. Mid years were what memorable. Ive failed before in crescent, the first in sec 1 for math after which i bounced back and got 19/20, surprising my own math teacher. I only remember that particular grade, the rest now whitewashed in forgotten memories. Anyway, yes, ive failed a few more times since, but i had never failed like this. I had 3 F9s (chem, phy and a math), D7 for geo, C6 for combined humanities, C6 for english, french was not counted. E math an A2, but the emath paper was very easy and everybody scored over-the-roof marks. I was prepared for failures but not to that extent. It was worse when it was black and white on paper. Whatever it was, it made me feel depressed for days. If you could fathom how i felt, you are probably God. There was nothing like that feeling, depression set in even though i was prepared for it. I was back to sec 2s, when suicidal thoughts came though fleetingly.I was also referred to the counsellor i had been in sec 2. Teachers came round to encourage, teachers counselled. Van, my best friend, tried all means, the Bible which she carried around all the time, was shown to me at my ignorance. I was asked to take sleeping pill so i could sleep and not think too much. Thoughts just flooded me then. I remember it so well. If you look at me then, you wouldnt have guessed the grades ive achieved at prelims. I was on my knees, because there was no one else to go to. All my years in crescent, not a single time i was placed out of the top 10 of the class, a good few times in the top 20 of the level. and...from 4th in class, down to 4th from bottom up. The fact was that people expected me to do well. People, friends asked relentlessly for my results, in the spirit of competition. People who learnt of my grade probably dropped their jaws, or had expressions of similar feelings. I was somebody who excelled, all these years, consistently, and then, i was nobody. There was this humiliation of going to REAP sessions, which later i actually liked. At the same time, there were the teachers who poured out endless care and concern, and who showed unwavering faith. "You have done it many times before, going against the tide, you will do the same now." "You can do it, christine, all of us believed you can do it." Did i believe in those encouraging remarks then?Not really. Throughout june and july, i was still struggling with depression, learning to trust God, learning to be that nobody. At the same time, I feel that was a blessing. I had no pressure from anyone, not even from parents, but just my own. After attending the open house for ACSI, i remember going back studying harder than ever with a more purposeful end in mind. It was also a momerable walk with God, how He humbled me to my knees, and how He gently brought me up with such enduring love and grace. Ive strayed far in sec 3, being sporadically enthu for Him, but this time, He was determined to bring me back for good. It was one lesson I would remember for life.

How i did it? I dont remember. I would want to recount the day i receive a prize for improved results during the Farawell assembly for sec 4s. I dont remember the whole event well to be very honest. I cant even recall the theme, but i remember how the banner look like. It was a clock showing time...something to do with that and our 50th anniversary of course. I cant remember the speech made by mrs Lee, I cant remember too the speech made by Lynette, sec 2 classmate and then president of student council. Whatever it was, i m sure the phrase "to leave a legacy" was in their speeches. It was our theme for 50th anniversary. Well, I remember the prize giving part. I only know then, the exact moment i was about to go on stage, ok about 5 mins before that i was the most improved student. The surprise did add to the excitement, which was played up by the mc raising her voice to say "now, the most improved student for the prelims of 2006, with an improvement of 31 points..."at which she made an emphasis of course, to the "wow" i could hear from the sec 3 juniors sitting behind. Well i thought the whole speech was abit overboard but i ran upstage at call of my name anyway, only to realise then the whole school had erupted into a huge applause, with my class giving a standing ovation..they were indeed cheering mad..and i could only took a glance. At that moment in time, what were my thoughts you might wonder...A lot is what i can say. Running up to meet a smiling Mrs Lee, who knew me personally, i thought of the teachers sitting directly in front, closest to the stage. All of them, all who taught me, all who knew me, all who counselled me, were there. I wonder if i made them proud, if they were smiling, if they were proud of the fact that one student whom they had so much faith in, who fell and picked herself up all because it was for them..all for God. Did i thank God? I did. I dont think that historic jump of 31 points would ever be possible without God. He did it, not me. I would want the juniors sec 3 who sat the back and watched all of these happening to know if I could do it, so could they, but with God. They were probably pretty impressed...some of them still ask me now how I did it. Remembering I was once there, down so low at a seemingly bottomless pit, but i triumphed fears, fears of failures, fear of depression, of suicide, to probably show the world God's Glory. I was just His instrument to tell them He is faithful, and gracious, and has unfailing love and forgiveness that surpass their understanding. I helped to achieve God's purpose...Now looking back, that was the greatest joy...

We are ending the journey here, due to time constraint, but before the journey is ended so very abruptly, cos i havent even finished describing my walk around the classrooms. But yeah, wait, one thing. I passed by the TDP board.It was unchanged, not updated. The memories of glorious days of my batch, the first TDP batch still lingered there. I was chosen for the programme thanks to my grades at the end of sec 1..cant remember them, but a bunch of A1s and few Bs and no C..i had no C at all until sec 4 i believe. Oh well, i was among the top 5% of the cohort..pretty impressive. We were called out during assembly one morning. I had no idea what was in store, none of us did, but we went to meet Mr Tan, the jolly, fat but cute vice principal then and Ms Sharon Goh at the Muti purpose room. A bunch of about 20 of us, the top 20 of the level i supposed then, all looking pretty dazed and and excited about having our names called our personally by the vice-principal. Oh well, we were chosen, the chosen ones indeed, the previleged few, selected based on acad results for a newly created project called Talent Development Programme(TDP). One girl did opted out, i was still very depressed, but i didnt know why i just stayed put. The next months ahead were exciting thanks to TDP. We were introduced to philosophy lessons, conducted after class, on tuesday haha..i still remember. I came to enjoy the classes, discussing issues of moral, we did moral philosophy then, exploring Kant's theory, and a bunch of other stuff..basically moral theories, coupled with practical classes of case analysis for which we watched law and order( a part of it), read articles on euthanasia, murders by children, asking the morality of the children , was it nature or nurture... I was very enthu, and was taken in by the whole thing. I love it, and my reflections on such articles always came back with good remarks from Ms Goh, hence further deepened my interest in all things philosophy. Thats how i started by quest to search for the deeper meanings in all things..even the ordinary things. It was also one of our assignment to do as such, take picture of something in the school and relate it to something philosophical. I didnt love philosophy, and i didnt learn that, for most of my knowledge acquired then had ceased from existence. However, i did learn how to question, how to think, and that was why Mrs Lee, who was by the way a christian, embraced the programme. There was also adventure stuff...like dragon boating, rock climbing, abseiling, all of which we had to write relfections on as assignment. We paid not a single cent for those activities. And finally, the epitome of TDP experience for me, the Asean Stories Project. It was compulsory to choose a project to do. Tania and I both went for the thing that we thought would allow us to slack the most since we also signed up for a CIP trip to vietnam. The latter was cancelled due to bird flu. Had it happened, i would be the translator..but ASP would have ceased from being my experience. ASP was larger, much larger than we thought. We worked with undergraduates, scholars to be exact from round the region who had come to NUS for exchange. I felt so young, and small then. I went out with them after meetings at night, and always ended up not paying anything because they would treat me..the little one.I learnt loads....and also there, learnt to be bold despite my age. Yeah...speaking for the IT team to a bunch of undergraduates when you were about 15 was quite daunting. Then there was also mad rush to finish it within 2 months, the launch which was extravagant, at which i made small speech in the presence of all volunteers, supporters and also the minister of education. Heh..i was also wearing something from vietnam...and of course, what remains...the newspaper article in whose photo i was sitting at such an unglam position i could never bring myself to see it.; and the website, the product of all hardwork of 2 months, and a bunch of different people.Its still there on the noticeboard of TDP. www.aseanstoriesproject.org ....i might volunteer back here after IB..who knows.Persis is still in my MSN, and SLC knows me well by the very funny memorable speech i made in sec 3 at their gathering.

Now, is the time, to say something. Yeah, I cant end the journey without mentioning MW. It would be an insult to me and to him not to mention him. He's part of the crescent memories, and he will always be. Whether or not it means something is a totally different story. I lack relationship experiences, but that doesnt mean i didnt know what it was like to actually like/love and have to let go. We knew each other online, through a friend, who introduced me to him. We clicked almost immediately, with him expressing more interest that he should thanks to be me being pure blood vietnamese. How i remember that conversation. Oh well, he actually called the very night to hear how i sound. September..somewhere there, i was sec 1. We would become very close friends,despite not seeing each other in real life for more than 20 mins. There is something about online friendsHip/relationship. He actually helped me with my lit, exclusive notes that helped him, since he did the same book, roll of thunder, hear my cry. The notes were found to be extremely useful by me, getting me an A1 for tests for the book. Oh well, looking back , he said, his notes helped me, not him whenever i thanked him for it. But it was more than lit notes, there were talkin into the night, smsing non-stop..smsing at 12 am and knowing he would reply. When we cant sleep, we would do that...smsed until one of us stopped replying.For sec 2 and 3, we were really closed. I think, to think i was just some online friend, i actually had more importance to him than some of his well, real life friends. I liked him for 3 years, We liked each other and never told each other. It was just 3 years of intense feelings that never materialised into a relationship. We were on the verge of entering into one, but never did. But that doesnt mean we were not closed. I was the first to know he was going to england that year. He was the reason why i chose IB, but of course, even when he had left and denounced IB, my desire to enter ACSI remained. He almost didnt go to england because of me, unbelievable to an extent, but it was very true. And yes, in so drama fashion, i actually encouraged him to go, even though i was sure it would be the end to all feelings, whatever that we actually built..would end. I was right. Sporadic communications, emails that after a while found to be irritant to both parties, and the fact is that we never talked anymore ended it, whatever that was there. He was a christian by the way, and i asked God about the relationship, and i think He showed me the answer with him going away. Had he stayed, i dont really know what would happen. My life would have been very different. The thing was, we were very well, similar people to begin with. We could never stop arguing. No party would give in. I? submit? Hell no. I would walk away feeling frustated more than anything sometimes. And, i was very sad when he left. There was this empty space somehow, the realisation no one to talk to online, sms to when it was 1 am in the morning....it was..painful?. The main thing is this, despite the fact i miss him, my desire to go to acsi that year was stronger than any feelings i had. So, i blocked all feelings that i felt, hid somewhere, all of which in time would vanish without me even knowing it. I was devoted to God, my studies, my overwhelming desire to go to acsi after the huge failure...he was out of that picture. He was actually mugging away as well, new to the environment, trying hard to catch up at the same time since he was behind his mates. He was failing, which explained his frustration in the emails. But was i sensitive enough to understand that? No, of course not. i shut it out and was convinced whatever it was, it should end. And so it should. We were so immature, still so insensitive, so headstrong, and were hurling insults at each other all the time, with intention to hurt and create jealousy. Also, both of parents would have killed us, if not his parents then mine. And I had no intention of going behind my parents back, i was just too scared. Whatever it is, I thank God for saveguarding my heart. Had we been together, I doubt i would have said the same thing about his departure. My heart, being so fragile, would have been broken. I was well, attached, but emotionally not attached. The year that goes on, sec 4, he would still talk to me, after i sent to england a keychain i bought for him 2 years back in NZ and never had the chance to give. I thought it belongs to him anyway, and i had no use for it. I sent it without much emotions attached, but i guess he was pretty touched. No one sent him anything throughout his 1 year stay there. The months ahead saw him trying to patch things up, asking me to go join him in england, saying he would help with all applications.Well, I was...untouched. Whatever feelings i had for him, they had disappeared with the wind by that time. Whatever that was left of it in sec 4, was gone when i ignored them, submitted them to God so i could study. I was pretty tolerant of his randomness, which actually was quite funny, but now, it seems like im not less tolerant. Time let God changed both of us, and I moved on, pretty long ago, and somehow, i sense, he didnt. Do i actually feel anything recalling this? Not a single feeling, not even a smile, not..well..anything could be felt.. Do i have regrets having liked him and let him go? Probably in my dreams i might just do. Hell no. It taught me quite a bit about actually having some sorts of feelings for someone and well yeah, some kinds of relationship so to speak. Dont get me wrong, i think he makes an excellent friend, a very good friend that i know i can always scream "YOU SUCK" without having to think twice whether it was hurting cos...he would scream back in about 1 minute "YOU SUCK TOO". Our conversations are dominated with capital letters which mean shouting. Yet, he helped me with my econs essay at the beginning of the year, being the encourager for me to continue econs, and of course, his visits to acsi. I think, we would make very good friends. Somehow, beneath the randomness of his conversation, the fact that he remembers a lot of details i dont, seem to suggest to me something more than just randomness. Oh well, i wont dwell on it, because, i'm sorry, i've moved on. I'll be friends, and i think we should stay there for the many months to come when he would be back to singapore, having completed his A level. I'm keeping him in prayers for his As, but yeah, that is all to it.

Hmmm..relationships problems galore these days, sheila asking me about hers just this afternoon, more people coming to me to tell me something about theirs, i dont know if they actually know that im quite bad at this. I lack all emotions, i dont even feel anything after 3 years. And I truly thank God again. My heart, apart from the cracks here and there thanks to its own little quiet endeavours, is still pretty much whole. I dont have any intention of having it broken in the near future. I just believe that, ive been too customed to being by myself, having to deal with loneliness and all, coupled with the fact that i like solitude. I think i can definitely stay single.Its lonely at night, that i know, since i experienced that in sec 4, actually longing for someone just to be there so i could run to... Telling that to my youth leader didnt help and she asked me to turn to God, which I did. Ive topped having that longing feeling for some time now. I totally dont feel anything, and the fact is i can go shopping, to the movies, the beach alone. I like it that its just me, and i could think about a lot of things. Sec 4 was well, just me and God. But even before that, there was never the need, or rather overwhelming need to be with someone. 16 and 17 passed me by without much of a heartache to recall. This year, Adriel, well, adriel is pretty special in the sense that God taught me something through liking him. i would rather put the word like, cos i doubt it was love, though, i think i was pretty committed. Hes still in my prayers with the rest of the primers and yeah, thats all to it now. Looking back now, I do feel something, a mild sensation, but, that's all. The truth is i could block all feelings for the sake of ambitions. God is now teaching me something about that. My tutor once commented that i would just need a husband for comfort and that i would be able to earn my own money anyway. True...to a certain exent. You know what, Im actually scared of myself, the fact that i dont feel much, lacking the sensitivities when interacting with others, and hence, bringing a lot of problems if i do actually in the end get attached. I can go through all pains, its ok with me. But I dont like it if someone goes through that pain for me.MW probably doesnt, cos of his huge ego and pride. But if someone actually does in the future because of this, i would feel the overwhelming guilt.

Sheila..hayz...sheila dearie. Shes thinking way to much about it. And of course, if you were her, if i were her, i would. Shes being attacked by his close friend who is comparing herself to sheila and knowing she surpasses my friend in a lot of areas. Nic's brother actually said that comparing her and sheila is like comparing something and something else...what insensivity is that. To think she has to endure of all this, and of course, she still thinks good of his close friend, believing that shes just pure jealous. Well, I'll pray more fervantly for her.She's strong and of course there is God who is always strong.I just wish when it's my turn i dont have to go through something like that.As tough as i sound, when it comes to giving in, with my firm belief in love have to be free, I would probably just let go. And of course, comparision does get to me. I probably be worse off than sheila, since i'm not too sure i would stand up and fight... Lets just hope it wont happen. Anyway, BB rule safeguards me from all heartache as of now. After that, its just 9 months to depature for wherever i want to go. And well, i doubt something will happen, though, God might surprise me nevertheless. Im leaving it all to Him. This kind of thing, is way to much for me to handle.


The journey ends. Crescent without all these memories is not crescent. Crescent didnt nurture my faith, but it definitely challenged it, it a good way. I think, to go through the portal of crescent and come out triumphantly, the girl needs a lot of strong will, and definitely needs God.

There is satisfaction is knowing i have said whatever i want to say. This entry, is, the longest by far. I think it will win the prize.Back to mugger room, with my dear wonderful hitler and chemistry, and french too. I have a date to catch. See ya.

Trashing

The time is 3.48 pm according the clock on the computer. I have about 15 mins to trash it all out....at 4 sharp i'll start work..my mad dash to finish everything history related so i can actually move on to another subject. Okie.i'm just gonna let my thoughts take control and lead me to where they want me to go...HOPEFULLY my pathetic, failing typing ability will be able to catch up.here goes.

Hmm..the first thing coming to my mind right now is actually a comment by XL on friendster.It was quite surprising when i received it. I didnt send a comment back to reply cos well..i didnt know what to say. His comment was an attempt to apologise for the very bad direct hitting he made me take before LDC regarding worship. I was really quite pissed off that night, ignoring the email but at the same time, checking it every now and then to readjust my worship songs.The worst thing was it was sent to every one in the ldc com then + officers..so yeah, it made me feel really quite horrible about my own ability to lead worship, choosing worship songs then. Oh well, i didnt take it personally then, just thought it was quite discouraging, but he apologised during ad party, so it was really ok..but somehow it doesnt seem so. People coming to me after my worship session telling me the song choice was perfectly fine just added fuel to fire..my own fire. Oh well, XL is a super nice guy and all, but yeah...he and I dun really click, so i'm asking God to hmm...help me forgive.Hayz...Lord, really, if i'm hammering this in my heart, I'm giving it all to you, please help me just surrender this small matter to You and mend the friendship btw me and XL. I really dun like this...argh

Next,..hmm thanksgiving!Today i went to church after a really really long time (3 weeks) of absence. Hayz..i wish i could be more involved in my church. i think its a really a wonderful church with a wonderful team of leaders who really dedicates their work to the Lord and is leading the congregation in the right direction. Worship,led by Paul, was really good. We sang Knowing you, a song familiar to me and the officers but new to my church, so i was singing it louder than anyone else.I just felt very revived and ministered after worship.I really could feel God's presence in sanctuary.My church's worship team is really good.Hmm..to think i was once part of the team..nvm..that's another one i'll trash out later.Hmm..today message, thank You Lord, You are ever so loving and understanding and caring...i'll use all my vocab i could to describe this lol..really..Today's message (or rather this month's theme) is MENTORSHIP!Wonderful huh? Here i was, just yesterday night, the previous post, asking God how should i mentor Erica and a number of other juniors (BB and Crescent), am i adequate or qualified to be a mentor despite my age and all. He answered today, and provides means for me to do so. The message was just really..wow...God's words to me so personally...How mentor should be just a big bro or sis who has more experiences and skills in certain areas and could impart to the younger ones...and how one should take risks, see the potential in the mentee, trust God, empower the mentee with clear guidance and instructions...All the things i need to know was laid out in clear steps, provided with verses and examples from the Bible (paul and timonthy, job and barnabas). Moreover, there is a course on "reaching the heart of your teen" organised by my church. its really gd...looking at the flyer..i think I SHOULD sign up..although i'm not a parent =P yeah, its for parents but well, i'm dealing with a very rebellious teen and i think it'll be of use when primers take on the role of mentorship nex year. anyway, we are mentoring the sec 2s...who are teens and can be rebellious and all...God is so wonderful!Hayz =)) God, THANK YOU!I just love You more and more each day, and just every so grateful for your providence, your care and love in all areas of my life.You laid the challenge, but you also provide the grace and help i need Lord. Just help me to serve you and remember to give praise to You for every blessing you pour out. Its all for Your Glory=))

Okie...time check..4.07 haha..I FAILED. but sorry, i really need to blog, or else i'll be wasting time at my study table anyway..oh well...4.30!okie we continue.

I catched up with Sheila!Yeah..Sheila dearie =))My bestfriend since PRIMARY 5!I just had to talk to her...so we had a girl talk session right after service...I just poured out my heart...my conviction and my trial God has chosen for me ahead...my heavy heart is just lifted(well actually it was kinda lifted yesterday but anyway, i still need to talk). We had so much to talk sheila suggested we go for lunch and yeah..so could have more time to talk =P On the way to the MRT, i just thanked God silently for a so wonderful friend He has provided since the hay days. Primary school classmates(bestfriends), sec sch..the troubled times..cell mates(still are) best friends still..NOW...still cell mates, and confidantes, and BESTFRIENDS =)) Hayz..shes one in a million...anyway we talked about a lot..she was sharing about her relationship and all...how God is very gracious and amazing in their relationship, and also how much she was challenged with, and yeah..Its really very heart warming to see her grow in it..both of them as a matter of fact. God blinded him from seeing that she likes him so that he could be sure of his conversion, that he wants to be a christian for God....he was a non christian and all, but yeah..now hes growing in the lord with her help, so sweet huh..Its like korean drama =P The two are not exactly together, cos they are scared..and they just give it all to God and let Him take them where He wants..hayz..the future is so uncertain...hmm..I'll definitely keep them in prayers..Sheila especially,since shes facing so many attacks from his ex-girlfriend to his close childhood friend, hayz..aiyo..really korean drama =P Haha Sheila dearie,if you're reading this, SMILE okie =DD Just remember you have the HEART and CHARACTER that surpass all earthly beauties and talents.You're a perfect creation in God's eyes =)

Okie...6 mins more..I'm QUITE satisfied...I havent finished trashing out everything actually..like my studies..and hmm yeah..there you go..the thoughts on my studies are coming back.Ive been thinking about it wayyy to much i think.Law, PR, hotel admin..international relations...the 4 choices of career i can see for myself.I really would love to do law..somehow, theres this great burden for family law and maybe human rights..but yeah the former being the one i'll probably major it. Its not like cos there are more divorces in the future and thats why i'm going there =P bleah...i just really feel that maybe as a lawyer, i can influence the choices of the couples, counsel a bit..being a victim of a so-called broken family and all...parents divorced and remarried..i know it best i think.Its gonna be quite depressing..but yeah, whats new...ive faced depression every turn of my life I'm getting used to it.Hayz..theres so much doubt about whether i can actually get into law sch,esp king, the one i'm quite convinced God is speakingto me about..but yeah..TRUST. ARGHH...God, if thats what you want me to do, what you call this child of yours to journey through, you would make the providence i cant comprehend. Lord, just help me trust in you and leave everything to you and your great plan i cant see just yet. I'm just having so many doubts..Lord..just calm my heart...I'm leaving every doubt at your feet, please just take them all...

okie!4.39..haha i failed AGAIN! Anyway.. i feel quite good now that some stuff is off my head..but more stuff..should i just extend it until 5 and yeah, just blog to my heart's content??lol yeah....I still have things to trash out..

Like my HEALTH. hayz..My throat is not exactly at its perfect condition despite almost 5 days of med. I completed the antibiotics although there was one day i forgot and delayed it but i finished everything except cough syrup...which was nearly finished anyway.AND...the phlegm is still there. Irritating...Im still preserving my voice as though i'm a chorister.Hayz, i do miss choir a lot. I think i'll have to do something about that. My entire body has conditioned itself since sec school so i could sing..like i use my diaphram to breathe instead of chest like most people..sometimes my breathing really comes from the region below the abs..4 fingers below the belly button haha..ms tham's words still rang in my ears..hayz... And yeah, like i still use my hands to straighten out my spiral cord at the neck so so that my body is perfectly straight, and i always straighten out my back when i sing, whenever i sing as matter of fact. I treasure my voice, because despite my lack of knowledge in bio, i do know the vocal cord is 1mm by 1cm in size..super small..and held balanced by 6 strings of muscles...something liddat haha..anyway, its a delicate INSTRUMENT , if not the most complexed and delicate to be exact. So yeah, breathing from hip..err or somewhere there, using the biggest muscles in the body(the one that wraps around the hip), helps the vocal cord and strengthen your breathing which in turn amplify and support the voice by tenfold. heh. Hayz..I'm still very much a chorister.

Worship...hmm..another huge sigh...I wanted to serve there, used to serve there, and still want to serve there now.Its the only place, beside the evangelism/EE ministry that i think i would be of greater service to the Lord. I really need to humble myself, seek God more and yeah..ask for strength and conviction to serve..cos theres a clash btw BB and church, and BB is keeping me away from my dear fellow EX-CONVICTS..our cell group that was once/maybe still is the anchor for my faith. Very amazingly, we have 3 BB boys & girl now haha...i can totally understand what Zach was talking about a few years back only now...AQ, Hike, Parade..Zach was very on for BB as well, so was YQ,the 2 of them then...YQ is still on, in fact YQ is the only primer in the 60th Coy..haha..hmm i should support him in prayers too..fellow primer after all. BUT then..we'll trash him during primers challenge WAHAHA...i'm feeling a bit evil hehehe =P

OKie...I REALLY need to stop..and yeah..i'm feeling a bit more satisified haha...okie..this post would be in contender to compete as the longest post.Hahah my bintan, unfinished post is still the leader.Okie, I'm satisfied enough to actually long to see MY STALIN now..hahaha=P.

back to mugging room and my promised-to-kill-alot-of-brain-cells mugging session =)))

Vietnam-God's nudge in the hip

I refused to blog about vietnam for days , only coming to do so now that i couldn't stand it anymore.There are so many things to reflect, to ponder and most important of all, to learn and take away from. My heart feels really heavy right now;there were strings of thoughts which seem to vanish every time I decided to sit down properly and record them. My initial plan was to postpone this reflection until i'm done with my excessive amount of mugging...but it seems God is not patient this time. So, though i'm drained from mugging history, i will try my best to do a substantial recount of events happened that need to be reflected upon extensively. Normally, this kind of things go straigth into my prayer book...but for this time, i would do it here...writing takes too long, and by then most of my thoughts would have found their freedom.

It started well, or so i think. Day 1 being recounted below, and reread by my for 3 times now, doesnt scream "attention!". Day 2 was better than day 1. If i could illustrate it with a graph, it would be a TPP curve.(too bad if you don't take econs). Day 3 increasing in an increasing rate, day 4 on increasing in a decreasing rate and day 5 being the peak. day 6 and 7 and 8 are downward sloping parts of the curve..oh man..what is this..I'm supposed to reflect...not revising econs here! Anyhow that was the mood in an entity. Let's recount the good points first...

Sharing with/understanding Erica/sisterly bonding almost- If there is one thing I think God would want to me to treasure most out of the entire trip, it would be this tie that i have very much been blessed with. Erica and I get along well...in most matters and we are tolerant of each other. Despite the 3 years difference in age, we were really closed for most parts of the trip..almost to the very end to be honest. I think we have a lot in common, and a lot of differences as well. I realised...although we live on the same little island, we live in two very different worlds, the social worlds that is. I guess she knows it too. During my sharing, she normally remained really quiet,with a thoughtful expression on her face, occasionally asking questions regarding the parties involved in the story. It made her think i suppose, and i guess that's what my little antidotes on ACSI life are supposed to do =S My so-called counselling happened very spontaneously..I mean i planned for it to be at night, after work, after studies..but they always happened during work and during studies =S. Heh...Either way, after about 4 to 5 days of counselling about the SAME stuff, i realised i couldnt get them into her head much further by repeating the darn points, so i stopped. I didn't/don't know if that was the correct decision...cos sometimes i still feel guilty not having talked as much as we could have. oh wellz... And I haven't had her to seal the deal with me to stay single until Os are over...hayz..

Recounting this one made me feel like a failure really. There are many other things now that i think of it which made me feel like Ive really failed this "mission."I was supposed to take care of Erica, who, in BB standard, would have been my junior(3 yrs diff). I didn't do that very well, considering the last day and the 2nd last day. Even now as I think about the mad dash shopping sprees we made, It struck me quite heavily that I'm really not that mature, really inadequate, so very hyper (childish) still...how does that qualify me to be her mentor anyway?? I was quite confident amidst fears and nervousness when accepting the challenge. Was that confidence man-made, stemming from pride and my own strength? I guess so. Pride...is one word to summarise the whole point.I was reminded by the Spirit a good few times in many occasions, after which i did check my behavior and attitude..still...it manifested too much.

okie..i'm gonna post this one so i can start another one in which i'll TRASH OUT everything. Bleah..i'm dying..i feel like if i dont write/blog or scream it out somewhere, i'll just explode..and i can't study cos there are just TOO MANY straints og thoughts racing through my head at the same time.. okie..that's it for this post.

Quick update

Wow i really have about 5 mins to do this...

My work days are getting busier and busier, with sunday topping the chart for most no. of guests checking in and out. Oh well, I'm not complaining =) the more the merrier as a matter of fact. Receptionist is very boring job if there isnt any guests. On the other hand, it's extremely interesting if there are many =P Haha...Ive met and talked to so many interesting people, coming in from different places around the globe (we dont have a single local guest in the hotel). Thanks to my fluency in english, viet and somewhat french, i could communicate with ease with most of the customers. I can't really do the admin stuff with the comp cos its in viet and i'm slow in reading viet but i can do the talkin =))

So far, Ive met 2 cute american couples who are travelling through asia. one of them gave me a book they have finished reading and souvenirs from sapa cos they bought too many =P heh..so wonderfully nice of them...oh man..Im gonna treasure the book =)

There's this australian ex-pathologist who now is the CEO or rather director of the Doctors' Association at his town. He did some charity work in hmm...cant remember the province bt somewhere in the middle of vietnam, providing technology and money..really nice of him. He looked so rugged, i could never have imagined him being a doc..heh.

Most interesting of all...4 men aged about 40 malaysian cheena who booked 4 rooms =I Go figure...of cuz something suspicious is happening...anyway they asked so many questions...change so many rooms it was very amusing. I cant exactly describe what happened, but trust me, they were free entertainment for me and Erica =pp

My studies are getting better..productivity varies but yeah....its getting a lot better and i'm covering more and more each day. I just need to get around doing my history IA now...oh well..tomorrow I'll start..by watching the film again =)) and finish the book =((

Okie...i really need to go do QT now, tmr i need to be at the kitchen by 6 again and tmr, i might have a day off cos there is a inspection for star rating for the hotel..now that reminds me to pray for mom and all staff. My coughing is getting a bit more...reminding me to take med..lol thank you God, you are just amazing in every little ways =))

Hmm...havent received updates from mission team for 2 days..so I'm just gonna pray in general again.Okie...thats about all.Laterz my dearies =))

Work, work work

2nd day in vietnam!Let's go back about 13 hours ago and relive my glorious day =P

I woke up at hmm..about 5? By some accident Erica's alarm rang really early and for really long..=P It woke me up...i think she didn't set her phone to local time. Oh well, I was woken up like...4 times and realised it was still early. Anyway, we finally woke up at 6, with me calling Erica to get out of bed at least 5 times. We both agreed that we should wear something comfy to work in the kitchen, so we settled for short and black shirt. By the time we reached the restaurant's kitchen, most of the food for breakfast was well ready. So we realised to actually help the 2 chefs, we need to be down by 6 the next morning. Nevertheless, we did get to learn some cool stuff like cutting onion and tomato. It was really cool, cos ive never seen the professional way of chopping tomato and onion before. Tomorrow promises to be exciting at the kitchen!

Our shift at the reception only started at 8 so we decided to go back up and change to our formal attire and eat breakfast. Breakfast was...sumptuous!I LOVE BREAD!oh mee goodness!!The bread was the next best bread to the one Ive eaten in france. Ive never eaten such good bread since the french days. I ate like...2 loaves, small ones of cuz. There is also this super nice chicken stew in which i dipped most of my bread. There was also tuna, ham and sausage meat, all of which tasted excellent with bread =)) Erica really loves the ham and tuna haha...she went for like 3 servings of it =P Oh well, today the med didnt taste so bad cos i had fruits and cake to eat after it so the bitter taste was washed down.

After our breakfast, our shift at the reception started proper. Nga was with us but later she was busy with the accounting stuff and went down, leaving Nhu to stay and train us. There were really few guests coming in/checking out in the morning so there was really nothing much for us to do. Guests only started to come in one by one at about noon time. They all have made reservations, and they all were singaporeans =I I talked to the 2 groups (1 couple and 1 family) and took them around for touring of rooms.There goes the opportunity to tell them i'm singaporean too =)) Oh well, i felt a lot more useful by this time cos they started to get more friendly and comfortable, knowing i'm a their countryman(or woman). They started asking about the places to eat, where to visit in the day and stuff like tat...and about my staying here..haha oh well..it kills my boredom so i really welcomed that.

Over the course of my shift, i was intro to like...a lot of guests coming from very cool places, like Bulgaria(this old man), another old man from Italy, a group from south africa..haha..oh well more to come tomorrow it seems =))

Okie..the afternoon was uneventful. Went for lunch with anh Thanh who treated me and Erica to banh xeo. It was good, despite the full stomach i had from a huge breakfast i managed to eat quite a bit. Erica also enjoyed the food i think. On the way back we picked the bread for tmr's breakfast and he bought us dessert which was this coconut jelly that is really nice haha.

My study regime is supposed to start in the afternoon which i did. However, whatever it was...the food or my running nose...or the lack of sleep from the night before..i just felt super tired and hence decided to sleep for 15 mins after which Erica woke me up. I managed to study some of Lenin's rise to power in 2 hours. bleah...my productivity is SUPER LOW.I really need to study a little faster to be able to follow plan timetable.

After my 2 hours of hist, me and Erica went into our chitchat session, where she was sharing with me and me her about our BGR experiences...it's quite interesting to listen to her side of the story. i silently decided that my parents and her parents have overexaggerated the seriousness of the situation. The fact of the situation is that Erica is still a very sane, nice, sweet gal and still does know whats right and wrong. Shes got her moral values right, but just very easily swayed by others.Her parents didnt help much by letting her do everything that she wants without even counsel or advice.They should have objected her going sted, cos thats where most of the problems lie. Bleah..and she still complained she doesnt have enough freedom...my parents would have killed me and my bf if i have had one in sec 2.

We went out for dinner at a jap restaurant, for which i wore my newly bought dress/blouse which is SO BEAUTIFUL! heh..i'm very proud of it...its really pretty. I'm also happy! the jap food was excellent stuff...best jap stuff ive eaten. I'm fully satisifed =)) we went for ice cream and then walked back to our hotel.

Hayz...Ive shared my conviction again...each time sharing it gets a bit better...God is confirming it with me or what...God has not been silent since the hike...I could distinct his voice very clearly now. Theres so much about vietnam that God wants me to see...beyond the facade of the buidlings, the people and all, there something spiritual i need to understand it seems. I'm trying to commit all i am to Him again...Sometimes I feel i'm really not walking the talk, and then i realise i really need to ask for forgiveness millions more times.

Lord, Thank you for having blessed my family and my relatives in this country Lord but i pray that too that lord you will watch over this nation and guide the hands of the leaders Lord. I want to commit Vietnam into Your Mighty Hands and pray that You will build your altars here Lord. I also want to pray for Erica, Father. I thank you for the opportunity to know her better and to understand her Lord and I praise you for the wiser choices she had made Lord. I just pray that you will open her heart and let her be receptive to the gospel that I would love to share in the near future Lord. I pray that you will guide me and give the wisdom to seize the chance to do so Lord. I also want to commit this hotel, Elios into your hands. I thank you for the work you have allowed to be done by my parents and the people who have contributed to building of the hotel Lord. I pray that you will watch over the hotel and all its functioning Lord. It is yours because you are the creator of everything Lord. Blessed be your name Lord. I pray all this in Jesus' most precious name,

Amen

VIETNAM!

Yay!haha I'm finally here at my mom(my family)'s hotel!!Its really nice!!Yeah I love it man. It's a class above the rest of the hotels around it. I'm really proud of my very very wonderful mom and my dad and all my extended family members =DD Hayzz it's so good to see mom again!Oh yeah, MY ROOM ROCKS!weeee its the delux room at almost the top level (level 9) and its spacious,has big comfy beds, exquisite designs for a private hotel, ultra COOL bathroom(square bathtub) and fully equipped with cable tv. I'm so dead...it's not exactly mugging-perfect condition haha. But who cares!I'm not complaining, that's for sure =))

Let me just recount the entire day. It's been quite a day too actually. I slept at 4.am, after a desperate attempt to pray and do QT. At least the verse slipped into my brain (Hebrews 12:1-4) and the message behind the devotion was absorbed some what. I tried to reflect upon it but at 4 am in the morning, with a body so tired it was practically screaming for rest, the reflection was cut by at least 70%. I then tried very hard to pray at kept awake. I prayed for vietnam, for my cousin, for marc and the mission team, thanking God for LDC, sec 2 dearies ans finally poured out my troubles with grasping the reality of living the conviction God has given me. So many things to pray, yet my mind only managed to stay awake for 10 mins. I tried to squeeze all those stuff in, and obviously it wasn't very effective. Most of the 10 mins went into praying for vietnam and my conviction =S

Despite the maddening sleeping hour, I was wake by 7.45! bleah...I would love to sleep for some more, but my throat decided to take over the alarm clock and woke me up with incessant coughing. My alarm only rang later at 8 =S The cough was really bad though, my throat felt immense pain everytime. Hayz... Anyway, at 8, I realised i really needed to wake up proper and pack in the stuff for missions so i could make a visit to the doc and be in school by the planned time. I had prepared the day before the books and clothes, so i only needed to put them into proper plastic bags. I found some very interesting books that i didnt know exist in the house the night before haha. I gave away quite a number of RD issues. I was thinking whether i should give away my precious newsweek issues but in the end decided against it. RD is ok, cos it was bought with dad's money =P but Newsweek is special, cos i only bought issues i really wanted to read about and i paid for them with my own money. I really didn't have the heart to give them away. Anyway, Newsweek is a bit too cheem for kids who just learn english isnt it??

I left the house at around 8.30 for the doc, making a detour to withdraw money. The detour turned out to be a bad decision cos the queue was super long at the doc. I waited for almost 20 mins, and only saw the doc himself for hmm 5 mins max?? How ironic..bleah...the med cost $50, which is a lot...but yeah..he gave quite a lot of med as well..fever, headache,antibiotics, cough syrup, phlegm and running nose...By the time i went back home to get the mission stuff, i was really tired, thanks to the running nose.

I decided against taking a cap despite the pretty heavy bags of books and clothes. I just felt very guilty, having spent so much money shopping the last few days..so yeah..i'm trying to save as much as possible now. Anyway, taking bus gave me the time to think about a lot of stuff and to listen to my dear dear Ipod. Nowadays, I tried not to think too much of it...cos it's really draining my mental energy and hence physical, and it's taking too much of precious time. I'm just surrendering to God everything now. I can't do this without Him, I really can't. It's so hard, so tough that i might die...I hate failures...and i don't want to fail this challenge...and I'm banking on God's ever sufficient grace and mercy ,strength and love to pull my through. I'm scared, but i'm not discouraged. I'm week, but i'm not broken. That's for very sure.

Anyway, I reached sch a bit later than planned but the admin room was open by then .I think the mission meeting was pushed forward or something cos all the admin guys were already there and the sec 2s were arriving. only 3 3 of them anyway. I went to collect my books from my locker and realised there were a lot of them! Oh welll..,managed to pack them up nicely in my backpack and carried the files by hand...together with the histroy and chem exam booklet. When i came back to admin room, Marc was there, so i just explain to him and stuff, and gave him the book on europe in which i had slipped in the bookmark i wrote the night before(or rather early morning). Mr Allen Lee was also there, so i told him about the girls' hike stuff....haha we are nice enough to agree to donate/sell back to the company for next year's badge. oh well, money is only to be collected at next parade, i was happy,less work for me =)) bleah..somehow i've become the official girls' I/C or something...everything regarding female primers always seem to go through me...

Hayz..I was feeling utterly sick walkin into/out of the school. I was really really tired, prolly cos of lack of sleep and the running nose that had taken over the sore throat in reminding me im sick. Hayz...at least no fever =)The journey on the bus home, i slept through most of it...being so tired and sick. At the bustop which i alighted to chnage bus, an angel in disguise appeared. I realised i didn't have enough coins and needed to to exchange notes for coins. When this old man saw me failing to do so with a lady, he just walked up to me and offered to change my note for me =))) I was sitting down some more, and he just so willingly took out his well-hidden coins and exchanged them for me. Isn't that an angel sent by God or what...It made me feel so blessed, so wonderfully taken care of by the Almighty One. It gave me a sense of hope in a society so deprived of time people hardly every made time to help loved ones, let alone strangers. This old man proved it wrong. God, You are so ever amazing and kind, a provider in every situation =))

Upon reaching home, it was just a fury frenzy of last min packing. I had to change luggage cos the one i packed into was way too big. And I had so many books to pack in it horrified everybody in house, but me. Hehehe...i knew it's gonna be a lot just by thinking about the workload and the amount of knowledge i need to absorb/reabsorb/understand in these final weeks of the hols. Bleah...I'm depending on God again..I can't do this myself again, so much so so much work it seems as high as mount Everest...how do i conquer it but with God's enduring strength.

Well...the airport was uneventful..oh yeah...I slept through take-off, the first time i ever did tat..bleah..I slept all the way till meal time when i realised I was practically famished and starving. The food was not bad at all, well i was hungry but it was really not bad. The service in Vietnam Airline is improving by quite a bit. The food was really satisfying. I slept again after that, slept in the car on the way to the hotel as well...geez...ive never slept so much in rides before. Excitement of being back in vietnam only came when i was in the car and not yet managed to sleep, and when we arrived at the Hotel. oh yea...i've never travelled back to vietnam with so many people before as well...bleah...alloytius made a freaking alot of noise..fortunately my room is at least 7 storeys apart from his..or else i'll just die.

Okie..The restaurant food for dinner was good, the hotel staff is friendly, i'm liking my workplace already!oh yes, I'm starting work proper tmr at 6.30 hahaha =)) I'm looking forward to that!!Oh yeah...hayz...the med stuff i just started to take is bitter., super big in size and super a lot...bleah...I hate med...i hate them a lot now...and i dun like docs...arrghh...