Time to fly

I'm a rebel.The one fact that i'm blogging right now is a proof of the statement before.I have a mountain of workload to clear in about 5 hours and here i am blogging.But again.Who caress...God does.But God also wants me to be happy i think.haha.I'm quoting too much from a walk to temember script.I should credit it at the end of this entry.

I wonder how many people are reading this.I wonder how large is the audience of this blog.One disadvantage of using blogger is that its now owned by google and hence, all blog search using google ultimately enables you to well...google any blogger site..with a little bit of determination and patience you surely will find your desired blog.Someone proved this to me.Anyway, i must praise myself for being quite an entertaining blogger eh?Come on, i'm sure you laugh when you scroll down and read a few of the entries back.Sarcasm and humor go hand in hand.They might be married to each other i think.

Ok enough lameness.I actually feel really quite calm, frighteningly calmly yet again(i'm quite sick of the word dangerous...my vocab bank deposit is not as low as my real bank account haha)I'm intending to read God's words, which ive been neglecting these few days and then go chiong chem.Yeah.Chem is the subject of the week.I have no idea how screwed I am for it until today(or yesterday rather).Anyway.I feel really quite guilty being so slack and paying no mind to handing in work late to a teacher who had deliberately saved me from a verbal purging by my parents during PTM.I don't like the idea of disappointing someone..or a group of people.Maybe that's why i push myself so hard...for everything, including drill.Darn it.I want to be really good on NPD day and hence, shall practise stoning more often.I need to be prepared for the potential high-decibel screaming from the overwhelming number of crescent girls and acs guys who know me.Wa lao.People, do me a huge favor, be a silent audience and respect the Guest of Honor on that day.I'm high-profile enough.

List of homework for this morning:

1. Chemistry kinetic assignment
2. Chemistry practice pract 9
3. chemistry test-energetics
4. Chemistry real pract 10
5. Econs IA
6. Econs market failure tutorial
7. History test Mussolini

List of overplayed songs:

1. Lose your way- i'll sing this-someday-at some occasion-soon
2. Feels like Home (prolly one of the most beautiful love song there is)
3. Collide(another WONDERFUL SONG- if someone sings this to me with a guitar, i'll melt hahaha!)
4. Through it all
5. From the inside out
6. Oceans will part
7. Blessed be your name

Ive never put pics in here.I shall do so now.In the days to come, I'll do more so.As the speech day in crescent approaches with an air of excitement anticipation, i shall make more trips down memory lane.Crescent holds a very special place in my heart.I will come back to tutor after their prelims i suppose, thats also when ive done with NDP and other crazy but exciting BB stuff.Everyday is exciting, hip and wonderful because now, i realised, after all the pain and agonising, I've let to let go...of not just the wrapped pain of the past 8 years but also of pride, of self-centeredness, of past glories and failures.They are all blessings.All of them.Even the pain and the failure.Even this problematic family of mine is a blessing to itself.And God works when one least expects.God works in areas no human can...and He forgives, loves, keep no records of wrong(if we seek forgiveness) and passes no judgements despite all our sins.

The wonderful batch of ex-co 2005 together with Ms Tham, Mr Tay and Ms Seow.

Soprani-The founding members of the revived,Ms tham,music,(and i daresay God)-inspired Crez choir sop 1

Added stuff...i'm supposed to be packing..sleeping/washing up/showering/yogaing.but heck.I really do need a lot of prayers, not for myself but for others around me who in turn affect me in an emotional way anyway.I shall refrain from describing the melancholic visit to the hospital to visit my grandpa.I shall not even attempt to describe the emotions.One word for thought, reminiscence.Vivid memories...of those who had passed on unsaved, not knowing Christ, of the 2 people who besides my parents, had loved me and shown the most care.Not the same hospital, but whats the difference...they are all hospitals.

Other random things- i like my no-so-long hair haha!I dont look too bad in it but yeah, we'll see.I'll style it..soon. I've made some improvement in the area of eating-i eat half a bowl of noodles instead of 1/3.I eat more at home.I gained 0.5 kg.I dont think i should gain anymore man...i actually like the way i look haha!Just that now all the clothes r very loose.I'm tutoring a bunch of french newbies, esp jin who is showing more interest than he hmm normally would? but anyway...tutoring is fun, especially french. I don't own chem haha...but yeah..its getting better.I have no time to read the papers or any other books except IB books...like what the heck.I shall attempt to read the newspaper from tmr onwards.My doctor is high-profile.Hes a friend of Drong.Goodness...yeah...Hes not mentioning my name to the Duce!And yeah, hes agreed to help Nic's mom.Eryn's stuff is great.I'm wearing them this fri and maybe even sat.We'll see.I want to ask someone to hmm blog more rationally and use plurals in his blog lol.

Yeah.The hardest part of the month is over...hopefully.I know ive blogged for today but it seems like the blog is becoming more and more impersonal thanks to my refusal to emo-blog since there is like an audience now.I also realise that my blog is still linked to many of the youth leaders in Ywav..which means...they might have been reading in silence.Oh well.whatever right.

Anyway, yeah I cant stand it.I need to emo blog a bit for now.I need to do some consolidation of thoughts.The past week, has been, one word, unforgettable.I dont think i will ever forget it for the rest of my life.I've learnt loads...and Ive also grown much.I told Sheila repeatedly that only through pain and struggle can one grow in the Lord and with Him.I can counsel so well not because i have some talent or gift in it(maybe i do and thats God's gift for me) but really, the crux of it is that Ive gone through so much of those pain, all kinds...death, family brokeness...the worst 2 that one could have experienced.I understand whats like to lose sleep, to long for a night of peace, to feel a tinge of envy when one see a complete family free of problems.My life has been plagued by it but then again, ive not experienced the loss of a immediate family member like my cousin did, nor am i in a family of a drug addict and a jobless mom like my other cousin. The people around me are strong, and sometimes, that makes me feel pretty weak, pretty pampered and blessed to a certain extent.However, when i compare my childhood with those of some of the kids i met today, i feel that they are so much more fortunate and...unfortunate..because they are too spoiled. Ive learnt from my both dads that i need to work for what i want...if i want something, i work hard for it.If i want a holiday, i work for the grades that would earn me the trip.If i want to ask for something i need to work for it as well.My parents are strict, and as much as i still resent what they put me through sometimes because they are in the wrong this time and have refused to apologise, i still thank them at the end of the day. Yeah, im still very cold to my parents, especially my dad because i do believe he owes me an apology.Ive been very tolerant this time, because i understand hes going through something difficult but he needs to apologise too.Please practise what you preach.

At the end of this week, there are some major transformations...in a lot of areas of my life.To me, i think i'm really mature for an 18 yes?But then sometimes, i dont want to act that age...i still want to enjy my youth and thats why i act like some 16 year old a lot of times.I look at my mom and dont want to go through what she goes through.I look at her and i pity her and feel really guilty for making her feel torn.Luke something talked abt this...I'm not very good at remembering verses blah.

I have not mentioned God in anywhere above.but you know what, as much as i complain and such as above, I thank Him for everyday and thank him for everything he has done, the trials and the joys he has brought too.I could never hate God...not now at least.I'm learning to breathe, to let go and to live day by day, take things as they come day by day and do as God guides. As Sheila and auntie Phui Fun both agreed, that's the easiest way to deal with things.Whatever it is, God is good, all the time =)

Where do I start??

Lets recount another glorious day!!!
I'll start by "THANK YOU LORD YOU ARE AMAZING!"

WOOT!BB CARE 2007 Daybreak is a SUCCESS!Praise be to Him and His workers!

I just want to thank all those who were involved-the 5 strong FEMALE PRIMERS ( lee min amanda petrina audrey and myself)-YES WE DID IT!HAHA!YAY!WE OWN!
I want to thank All the band members- they rock!They have really proved themselves to be a wonderful bunch of boys to work with =) Everyone of them...has tremendous potential...way surpassing their seniors the current year 5 Primers.Special mention to my 2 musketeers!Shane, hmm....didnt do his job THAT WELL...the official order might still be applicable.Hmmm...shall i be evil wahaha!!
I wanna thank Primer Daryl Chia-haha-really a wonderful senior..err maybe not really since hes my age and all.
I wanna thank Mr Jarrett Khan haha!Hes really cool la..okie...i must say hes really good with kids.
Hmm I want to thank all the kids!oh man...they are so wonderful!Geez...I'm good with kids...although i dont like it when they scream.
I want to thank Julie Andrews and Ms Tham!Hahaha!I wont elaborate..darn..i'm wayy to high profile now thanks to that. Oh man.I'll kill Shane Shane if he puts that video on youtube.
I want to thank NDP for the stupid fireworks-again-but yeah..today not bad...its like fireworks to celebrate the glorious end to a week of really hard and dedicated work and prayers.
I wanna thank Evangelism Cube-haha!It ROX!The company should invest in more of these rather than stupid things like junk food...
All those who pray for us-the GUY PRIMERS (HAHA!)-thank you for err supporting us?Be inspired and learn from us girls =)
I want to thank God again for His amazing ways and grace- for working though each and everyone of us(including myself haha!)

Finally, and most importantly-Thank you God for Qian Qi, Annabell and hmm..gosh i'm bad at names...The 3 saved girls.Especially for Qian Qi whose inspiring child-like faith is the biggest encouragement to me.She was sharing the gospel to the other 2 right after learning it just about 1 hour before.Qian Qi, you are one smart and strong girls.In fact all of you are!You 3 will be in my prayers for a long time to come!

I havent done evangelism in a long time..oh man..actually forgot the sinner's prayer.ok.I'm inspired to revise EE SOON.

Oh.I'm good at doing PR work.I have contacts from 60th Coy-The ex PSM has leaked the secret of the 60th coy for owning AQ-they run for 30km straigth for hike =I Hes going back to train them- haha..oh man.i'm like doing spy work.But Zach is wayy to smart to let me know more than that haha!

Thank God for ACS, BB,girls school, QBC,Ywav and the Ex-convicts =)

Another memorable day.

Yeah.I should stop using the word"memorable" to describe my days since everyday is memorable haha. Today is particularly special though.So much is going on at the same time sometimes I dont really know whats going on. let's do a systematic breakdown of the day.We need to do a close analysis to understand the bothered mind of one typical IB student.

Morning assembly:
I was late.I slept at 3 plus plus and woke up at 6.30.I was still taking my time to get ready and stuff.The night before was mostly spent doing...history filing.Goodness, i'm amazed by the amount of notes and reading and whats not i have for history.The thick file is already going to full soon, and we're not even half way through the 3rd term.AND, i had to settle BB care stuff as well...wa lao.The workload for BB care is crazy. Anyway, i was strolling in to school at hmm 7.30 ++WHY? All the councillors are my very good friends wahaha.Edmund Chong, the slackest, hyper siao guy in my class is actually in charge of DISCIPLINE.haha yeah, i like this year's council a lot man.That's the way to go.I was strolling in the other day too and prolly a junior in BB doing prefect duty let me pass HAHA. Well done, gentleman.He was actually asking his "subordinates" to let me go.Wonderful eh? I didnt know i had become so high profile in the school...what the heck.

French B: I was hyper as usual.French B never fails to make my day.We were talking about food some more. Anyway, the pace of the class is a bit too slow for me actually, i was doing double work in there, finishing worksheets that actually are due hmm..in 1 week.Anyway, french is now ultimate ownage. I'm going to make sure it is so all the way till exam time.I actually brought spring rolls to class and at the end, everybody was eating haha.

SL Math: Another ownage class.Goodness, its like a class of gossiping/catching up with other class work/slack and joke. I know a lot more ppl now man. I m actually in 2 of wesley's classes now and of cuz...asher and another bunch of people i actually already know...They should call SL math "Girls own math class". Hahaha...give it up man. Theres no way any guy can top a SL math.The girls were discussing if a question this easy could actually be worth 6 marks.Paradise.I shall have to exercise self control with regard to my laughter in that class, the teacher is just a joker! they talk crap more than anything in that class.Anyway, i realise that now ive gotten out of Hl math, I'm a bit obsessed with it.Haha.Augmented matrix.I can do that man. the teacher was like "what cheem stuff is tat are you talking about!Leave whatever you have learnt from Hl math at the door!".Excellent.Another ownage class.

History HL 2: HAHAHA.History..is HILARIOUS.Mr Wong, goodness, hes adopted the policy of dictator hitman or maybe musso or lino or stalino...or just all of them combined.Whatever it is, he's funny!The guys are going a bit crazy too.Everybody is a lot more motivated these days.I click too well with everyone of them. What did we do for 40 mins?FILING...and watching the end of a video on the great musso, which i actually missed about 80%.Anyway, the video was good.Let me realise one thing.All dictators are pretty brilliant people, with exception of nuub stalin, and they become dictators because they did everything to magnify and increase personal gain..although they did, by doing so..contributed the development of the countries they governed.Hmm..ok..too much history for one day.ANYWAY, next week history is gonna be interesting haha.Sir is getting excited.War is his specialty.And when hes excited, hes gonna give more work.Joy to the world. oh oh... i saw my grades in the entity..ive been improving...and now? I OWN. Darn it. I had to A+ for the first 2 assignments of the term.The test this mon,i'm going to make sure its at least a 7...

PE: HAHAHAHAHA. I OWN SOCCER!YEAH! hidden talent eh?I'm going to scare all the guys now..or rather, they r gonna ask me to play soccer with them every pe lesson now!Oh man I felt so good...finally playing real football after such a long time of just being so useless, posing in the soccer field with the rest of the girls and wait for pe to end.SLACK TIME OVER.Eryn and I made a freaking good team.As a matter of fact, the girls in our class ROX.We should form a 7 aside soccer team (with ian lim being the 7th) and go own other classes!The guys were actually scared...they never saw all of us being so fierce and on all at once.To think i was called "player of the match" and what.."trump card" by madam..hahah..yeah man...we gave them a run for their money haha!

NDP: No kick.again.WHY? you are going to understand why after i explain in details my choir practice session crescent.Its worse than anything the boys had gone through.and we are girls.Lets go.
2 k run before every practice.
Close to SYF or any performance : 3 hours of mandatory standing in court shoes, with back straigth...so that court shoes,or rather pain from court shoes would become our bestfriend, bothering us no longer during the performance itself
Everytime someone talked when the pres talked, she would order us to run 1 round around parade square.I remember running about 11 rounds cos we were talking still.
Punishment for late coming: 10 mins or more without excuse: 3 rounds around parade square.
Performance time: our faces have to smile, have to keep calm have to be focused despite the various distractions from the audience(eg waving madly and photo taking and whats not..and laughing during a performance cos we were doing weird stuff).
Breathing-one cant show that the shoulders are moving
Water? Swallow your own saliva-it really helps.

Oh PE in crescent: 5 mins late? 5X3 push up- man' style.I never knew how to do push up girls style until i came to ACS...what an irony.
2 times a week mass run of about 1 k?
MORE of training for nafa in sec 4..obstacle course NS style...wa lao...i remember it so well.The loser group had to run 1 round the parade square...and we ended up running about 5 times around parade square + warm up of 2 rounds + the stupid obstacle course...everyone of us..
Nafa 2.4- run till u get the freaking A grade.

haha...one might think we had it easy in a girls school.You thought wrong then.I should let the twefth see the crez choir train one day.They might be inspired enough to do better drill.

Okay. I actually wanted to go to the swing..but now its hmm 12.14..i better go get ready for tmr and SLEEP.I need a freaking a lot of energy for tomorrow man.I'm going to be shameless haha.I'm a professional.The more audience the more exciting. I just love to entertain people haha.I should go join drama very soon.Ok enough.Another long post.I have failed to cut short my entry again...failure in such area is forgivable though.








I realise that ive doing bb work every day for this week.I have absolutely no time for any other thing...oh well.ok.that's an exaggeration but still, its taking freaking a lot of my time. Oh well, yesterday's devotion talked about doing God's work not because of duty but out of love for Him.Romans 12...too lazy to get my prayer book out and look at it anyway, the one phrase that stuck with me though, was "be patient in affliction". It struck me then that yeah, this whole family drama episode thing is teaching me to be freaking patient...and tolerant...whatever...i think my parents have come to their senses finally..thank God for Dr Ong haha!Oh well, it is true though, had they not come for PTM, they would have never gone easier on me.Hurtful words spouted at me even on that day, but yeah, I realised that God works in my teachers and used them to carry me through.Thank You Lord.

Today...is..memorable.

I want to thank God i want to thank Him again.I dunno man...I want to know if someone out there actually suffers as much as i do.I think there are a lot of ppl out there...well...if i have God.I'm really not afraid.I'm dangerously calm...yet again..haha.

I thank God now for Ms Tham and her husband, Mr Albert Yeo.Mr Yeo, you will never find this blog, but i WANT TO SAY THANK YOU AGAIN.You are like a 4th father to me, although we corresponded in such a short period of time.I love choral music, i love music, i sing because God allows me to do so.I sing with my whole body...with the combination of mind, strength and will to produce sounds of music...never will I allow myself to sing without the alertness of such things.We choristers are gifted people man.And we are the blessed people too.

Hmm..I want to do work.I tried to do work and i still want to do work.i feel very guilty now that i accomplished so little given so much time...but yeah...I want to have peace.And I had it.I dont want to be a workaholic...work till i drop death..oh man...that thought scares me to death.

I thank God for starbucks haha...whatever man.The weather was very nice today.I thank god for the rain, its therapeutic all the time.

Gosh, so much pain.I still feel it.Everyday, the pain is just there, thwarting my heart, drenching my soul and robbing me of my sleep.I think i'm strong.yeah I AM.haha i self-praise yet again but yeah, i need to know i am.I think, after this episode is over, whenever that might be, i'll take flight.After IB, i'll take flight.So much hurt...I was watching the korean drama just now.My life..doesnt really differ much from it, to a certain extent.Wa lao.People should stage my life one day man.I'll be the star.I think its damn drama, too drama for my liking.And yeah, marriage and love and whats not themes that were in that drama made me think.If i get married at all, i vow to NEVER LET MY CHILDREN GO THROUGH THE PAIN I'M GOING THROUGH NOW. Or better, i wont get married at all so that no freaking children will suffer.I want to do law, i want do it very badly now.I want to run and scream and well, take flight but i'm not going to do that. There is hope in this house.God still reigns.God is still here and is very gracious still.

My wish is..no one, let no one i know suffer the same stuff i do. When I was in sec 4, i think i said the same thing...yeah.I just read that in my prayer book.One person is enough man.Lemme suffer it for you and u dont have to go through it.I sound a bit high and mighty but really, this is not stuff you want to experience.All of you, a lot of you now who might be reading my blog, thank you and take heart you dont have to go through it man, it sux.Its not break-up bgr thing.Its deep.

Well, ive leaked this blog to quite a number of people.well guys, if you are reading or something, THANK YOU. *CHRISTINE TAKES A BOW* I love you guys, especially you ERYN KWONG.Thank you my dear.I have faith in the acsi choir though you guys r well screwed.you have my support on that day.You have God too.

Lionel, lips, jeanette,alyssha,rachel,tsar nicolas,bunny,tee,ge,sloke,lucy,jin,audrey,lee min, gareth, edmund,marc,mr yeo...who else did i miss out...oh charles, ming wei, ying hao, mr james ong, mdm swamy,mr talbot, mr wong,wesley chan,mk,xl,kl,johntay,timlim......yeah..THANK YOU.I'm sure you all pray for me/comfort/put up with my crap/tolerate my pmsing/ one way or another the past few days.More to come guys...i doubt this is over soon..although i would really hope for it to be over.

haha...that list is in no particular order, pls dont feel sad if you are like..the last to be mentioned or too happy if you are the first to be remembered..i just list all of you because i feel too grateful and i think God, although he is very scary in letting me feel this thing now, is still extremely gracious..shown in the number of people He gathered to help me.You guys rock.I dont stone btw.


Oh....of course..music heals the soul.songs overplayed:

how to save a life
when the rain falls
let the music heal your soul
through it all
made me glad
break me
reflections
from the inside out
oceans will part
history maker
.
..
...

Finally, i'm letting it go.8 years of suffering, time to let go dont u think?I'm learning to let go, and yes,it WILL GO =)

I shall refrain from blogging abt anything to do with that today.It hurts too much. I'm reaching my limit...very soon.And before I plunge myself to another living hell, I will take actions.Shall I draft a resolution MUN style for this problem??Maybe...hmm..not that i think about it, its not a bad idea at all. The chair of the committee of disarmament and internal security of the heart announces: "crapping is in order"

1)Mathematical investigation problem poses : investigate the number of ways in which the element of science is effectively eliminated from the equation of life.

Ans:
method 1: we have 2 variables. ownage and chemistry(the element of science). Increase ownage to the power of 5 and divide 1 by chem, we have chem to the power of -1. Find the product of these 2 variables. We have the following :

ownage^(5) X chem^(-1)= ownage^5/chem

By cancelling the variable chem from the equation, we effectively eliminate the element of science from the equation of life =)

Method 2: BURN THE CHEM BOOK AND FILE.

I have enough...this is NOT WHAT I DESERVE.WHAT THE HECK DID I DO WRONG?TOLERATE THIS SHIT? LEAVE ME ALONE.I HAVE GOD AND I DONT NEED ANY OF THIS.I HAVE ENOUGH OF THIS.I'M 18 NOT 28.I'M A HUMAN NOT A MACHINE.I HURT.BUT IF LET A SINGLE TEAR SHED IN FRONT OF THE FKEAKING OF BOTH OF YOU, I'LL KILL MYSELF.I'M STRONGER THAN BOTH OF YOU COMBINED.DAMN IT.I HAVE GOD AND I HAVE ALL THE STRENGTH I NEED.BATTLE?YEAH...BRING IT.WE'LL SEE WHO WINS.WHETHER I CAN SURVIVE?HELL YEAH...I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT THE BOTH OF YOU.THE STRONG MUST LEARN TO BE LONELY DONT U KNOW?????HAHAHA...GO ON,SHOUT,SCREAM AT ME.YEAH.DAMN IT.GO LIVE YOUR FREAKING LIFE AND ILL LIVE MINE.AND I'LL COME OUT TRIUMPHANT BECAUSE I HAVE GOD.

For: losing the hp, laugh about it, caring too much abt something u dont freaking understand, being too sensitive, too emotional, crying too much, putting a mask of happiness i'm not so sure i should wear, thinking u are the evil attacking, not eating enough, not taking care of myself, being too busy, wanting to have a luxury of french tution, hurting really badly....i dont know how to deal with this pain but just work and more work, loving you too much to hate you.

God, only You understand this pain.Only YOU.

9/7/07)

I have about 15 mins...wo'nt be a long one of course

School is as usual, full of entertainment and the mundane things.I'm going to like this term.I've freed myself from being the object of suaning and now, has moved up the rank to be the suaner haha!Oh oh, it's a lot more fun to suan ppl than be suaned.hehe.though the latter is fun too haha. I'm finding econs a lot more interesting, a lot more bearable...and HL Math quite irritating since i dont really know if i'm allowed to do SL math.What i learnt at HL might be redundant then..oh well...

Exciting stuff this week...like Primers room opening, NDP rehearsal, some new committee review meeting for BB and my mentoring course..which i have not yet decided to commit myself to.We'll see.Oh course, there's parade this sat haha...one last thing, Marc is coming back, which means i'll get more postcards, and Le Monde newspaper heheh.Quite happy =)

On the other slip side, there's TOK, econs IA and EE to complete, not counting the Hist project to be done by tonight. There's also test next mon..oh yes, CAS stuff to settle..

Last but not least, D DAY TOMORROW. I have resigned to be a complete failure and hence, shall not expect anything from the results. Will just wait to be slaughtered by teachers and parents alike during PTM. For tomorrow, i shall numb all emotions...hopefully...and yeah, i'll praise the Lord for all kinds of results...He's in control.And if the results is bad, which it probably is, its because He's allowed it.There's a comfort in knowing that.At least, the horror of con camp has ceased to exist and the only terror now is the verbal purging by my parents.

Okie...time's up.I'm gonna go do CAS stuff now and clear econs and hist later on.A song repeatedly played in my Ipod by random gave me a lot of encouragement and hope. My Ipod rocks. God rocks even more =))

You will never walk alone
By:Point of Grace

Along life's road
There will be sunshine and rain
Roses and thorns, laughter and pain
And 'cross the miles
You will face mountains so steep
Deserts so long and valleys so deep
Sometimes the Journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
I want you to know

You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
You may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And he'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone

The path will wind
And you will find wonders and fears
Labors of love and a few falling tears
Across the years
There will be some twists and turns
Mistakes to make and lessons to learn
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember where ever you may go

Jesus knows your joy,
Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you faithfully

You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
You may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And he'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone

6/7/07

I dont know why i'm just in the mood for a very long entry of emo blogging.I dont really care if anyone reads anymore. After a while, I'm quite convinced i'm just blogging with the knowledge that it is for myself, and for God.It's like an added confession to Him, since my prayers are always cluttered with requests for other people,sometimes for myself..

I have well, quite some time i suppose..Ive adjusted back to the normal sleeping time of a school night, feeling sleepy around 12 and not around 3 am as i used to in june. There is a lot to blog about tonight.I feel as if this entry has been dying to be posted, to be written and yet it wasn't.Emotions i tried to hide, events i let slip by, and problems i chose to ignore seem to have crashed on me.They did, in june, but now with another set of problems and challenges, added to the ones yet to be completed in june.Life is...like that indeed.

I feel the urge to talk about LDC.I didnt blog about LDC at all.There were a lot of reasons why i chose to ignore the entire experience of LDC in my written reflections.One of them is that, God spoke, of the things I couldnt understand, of the many trials He laid down for me ahead, and of His forgiveness which i could never feel adequate enough to receive. LDC was...live-changing, but it was also emotional for me.First day, nothing much until my prayer shift.That one hour of prayers, in the prayer room where for the first time in so long, i felt God's presence, so closed to me, as if when I prayed, He was wrapping himself around me.There was comfort, but there was also pain. The pain came first.In the presence of the Almighty, I could only ask for forgiveness...i just sobbed...I just cried like ive never cried before. Tears flowed so freely they couldnt be stopped for minutes....I remember trembling in fear, in pain and in the recognisation that eventually, I'm still loved and forgiven by Him, despite all the things I have done wrong.There are many things I thought were unacceptable to Him.Somehow, in that room God just comforted me that it was all right, that I was human, and i was weak but its ok because He is strong. When the 1 hour was up, my eyes were so red i thought they were swollen. Well, they were.I was trying very hard to appear normal in front of the primers, officers and especially the sec 2s.I hate the idea of letting someone see me cry, it sux..because to me, tears still signify weakness.Not that I see it as weakness in others, but for myself, tears are not meant to be seen.

day 2..hike..exciting things for me.The day was jolly, first time doing hike with a bunch of sec 2s, primers and officer, Marc. It brought back a lot of memories of OBS, of the strenous trekking around Ubin that we did. There was also cooking, which again reminded me of OBS.It was OBS short version, a lot more simplified.I'm just thankful for crescent...allowing all of us to do OBS, and it really was some physical and mental training, pushing my limit of endurance and strength to its full capacity.The hike, to be honest, was no kick.Compared to the extremely heavy bag we carried then, so heavy we couldnt lift it up without using support of the legs, the hike bag was very light. OBS didnt give us basha poles for support, neither were we given drinks nor sweets...and Ubin was a world different from Lim Chu kang straight roads.I guess i was up to the challenge of hike thanks to OBS. Then again, hike wasn't just about OBS.-reminiscing.The day, as i said, was happy, cheerful, and everybody was enthu.The contrast in the night hike couldnt be any sharper.False march was fun, cool and all..but besides that, night hike was very...trying?It was for me, to the end,and i was pushing beyond enduring strength.I was dealing with something else, i was talking to God. God just spoke, dont ask me how I know it was Him. i just knew. There was this distinct voice, so clear and loud, I couldnt hear any other voices anymore.It came at the most difficult, most trying time of the night hike, when we were marching at such a slow pace, having an injured member and not knowing exactly how to head to sleeping site.Could God choose a better time to tell me something important?yeah...sure..But he chose that moment, at the time of despair, to add to it another heavy burden.Tears didn't stream tat night.No matter how much i wanted to cry, they didnt come.There was this melancholic feeling, the awareness of something heavy just placed on my shoulders.Yet I was too tired to think too much about it, too afraid and shocked too. i just wanted to delay it..I needed time to think I told the Lord. The fact was that , I couldnt think at all lying there at my sleeping spot. I was sheer fatigued, but i couldnt sleep due to the bright light, and the fact that my throat was beginning to bother me. I curled myself up like a cocoon, cos it was pretty cold and somehow, managed to doze off, waking up 3 times in 3 hours...

2nd day of hike, 3rd day of camp...I didnt know how it happened, but the moment i woke up, I somehow, some way, mysterious to myself, said yes to the challenge, or rather the trial God has given me the choice to take.I didnt know what i was in for, but i said yes. was it because of the grogginess in the morning, or was it just the desire to be over and done with and not to be bothered again, i said yes.I never know.That day, hiking became a challenge for the first time. My little toe, which had sufferred much due to the court shoes on the first day, and of the abrassion the day before being untreated, was screaming in pain and for rest on the 3rd day. i couldnt let it rest of course. So I prayed continuously to Him, praying for my little toe to endure a little more(actually it was a lot more) till we reached our final destination. God was gracious, and answered my prayers, through the pouring rain that came in the late morning. I was so grateful, i was just praising Him silently, rejoicing in the refreshing rain, and of course, refusing to wear a poncho. In the end, i was soaking wet, but heck, my little toe was cured and i felt refreshed, cheerful and hyper again.The few hours before, i couldnt be hyper even if i wanted to. God continued speaking, honestly, I have never experienced Him this much before in my entire christian life.He spoke so much , and as I listened silently, literal silence since no one spoke much, an overwhelming sense of fear and trepidation swept through me.I could never fathom the trial i chose.I could never imagine how hard it was, nor the rationale behind it. All I knew then, was that , i was in for something huge, something challenging, a trial that would put my everything to the test. My faith, my endurance, my love for Him, my strength and my tolerance, my capacity to contain pain and hurt, they would all be put to the test. I could only think about it and be struck by its magnitude, but i could never imagine myself going through it and come out triumphant.The conviction came that moment too...so clear, short but profound.
Tears...then..just flowed..they just rolled down my cheeks and i couldnt stop them . I was thankful we were marching in single file, meaning no one could really see my face and that I was crying. I would have a hard time explaining if they did. When we got a chance to rest whilst waitin for audrey to join us again, I took out my bible and search for verses of assurance and comfort. i found something in romans...I cant remember...but yes, they did uplift my spirit a little. I must admit, quite shamefully, i was relying on the sugar in fruit tips to cheer me up rather than God's words. I needed to stop crying, and yeah..fruit tips served its purpose.

My entire life, throughout my childhood, since the age of 7 or 8, up to my early teen years, I was learning to cope with loneliness. It was a constant companion of mine since that tender age of 8. My mom was overseas, my sister living with my aunt to overcome her depression, leaving me with my father and my maid. Father being a man, i could never really share anything emotional with.I turned to my diary and wrote extensively since that age. Friends were many, but few, in fact none, understood that loneliness i felt. I learnt to cope with it, and in time, as my teen years approached, I learnt to like it. Solitude, rather than loneliness, i would call it. The fact that being alone is no longer that strange, that lonely...made me very independent.I could do eveything by myself, everything...to the movies, to lunch, shopping, the bookshops and library, and even back to Vietnam alone. I took the plane alone when i was 12, and it was, haha, some experience. The point en cas is...solitude was something familiar to me.I like it, i know it and i was fine with it. Somehow, during LDC, during that few hours before the rain, loneliness came in wave of attacks.I never felt so..alone before, in spite of being surrounded by my hike group. I was back to being 8, when nobody understood how I felt, or more accurately, nobody could understand what i was going through. There was an insurmountable longing to share, and yet, there was no one to confine in. I cried out to God, I pleaded to Him to let me back out of this, but no was His answer.I felt comforted by the rain, but the rain had to stop, and then again, i felt it was just me, and me alone walking on this winding road. God was above me, God was somewhere, and I couldnt feel Him. The moments after hike were dark and bleak. I needed God more than anything, I needed comfort, a physical comfort and there was none. Loneliness again, came, not as a friend but a frightening enemy. Walking up from the space frame, limping since my toe was hurting so bad i couldnt even walk properly, another surge of loneliness attacked. Gone head were fellow primers, sec 2 and officer, it was just me.In the shower that afternoon i let my tears run in the cold water and hoped that it would stop. Just like the rain that masked the tears, cold water washed them away, but not the pain. It was just fatigue, emotional, physical and mental fatigue...and there and then, the fever that had been brewing since the end of hike finally arrived. To sit through the debrief for hike was a challenge in itself. To take minutes was yet another challenge. I should never have bothered...but i did...and thank God that i did because i was occupied with something, which led me away from straying thoughts. The fever didn't help, and though i was feeling utterly sick , i was determined to conceal the fact from everybody. It proved to be successful, since nobody except my roommates were aware...for once the insensitivity of the guys came in useful. Day 3 was..not another experience. Day 3 taught me much, and day 3 let me see God too in all aspects of His power and might, Glory and majesty. Though he was strict and stern in the trials, He gave comfort, rest and encouragement through the people around me. He gave me strength and a surprising streak of optimism that enabled me to stay more or less pretty cheerful throughout day 4. To be prayed for was comforting, to pray for others was encouraging. To be able to sleep soundly was strengthening and to wake up on time with a clearer mind was a optimistic...I thank You father, for everything.

I wont elaborate day 4, because day 4 was felt by everybody. ididnt have a different experience...i felt God came, not for me specifically but rather for everybody in that room. Day 4 was for the company, for BB, not for me.

June saw the happiest, most life-defining, changing moments of my life, and yet, it brought too the darkest hours, the most trying times and the feeling of utter despair that one could only feel being at the bottomless pit.The 2nd half of june was defining, but not in the way the first half was. It was...very lonely, very helpless sometimes...and very bleak definitely.I remember the very night, the one night when electricity was just cut off and right at the point when i was desperate to blog, to do something about my bottled up feelings.There was no light, i couldnt talk to anyone online, it was around 4 in the morning...and i couldnt wake anyone up...neither could i sleep cos it was too hot..and i could even read my bible.At that point, whats left to do?Pray...and thats what i did.I kneeled and prayed as tears of despair came in floods..That night, was the night i learnt to appreciate light, His light, and the physical light.The light from the corridor of the condo gave me the idea that i could actually get out there and read my bible.Sitting outside my house, i flipped the bible in search of something for comfort...and God led me to Psalms 69.In the Lord I will trust, in my despair I will not turn to the light of God. In the dark, in my hopelessness, in the darkest hours, I seek only Him.In my trials I will praise Him...

5/7/07

So school started, about 2 days ago.I've yet to adjusted back to the rhythm of school and schoolwork.I'm catching on though.I've managed to stay awake during most of my lessons with the exception of math today..but i should be excused since 80% of the class were sleeping/dreaming away.Haha...the afternoon heat coupled with a long break before the lesson is a lethal combination.

I'm reaping the results of my procastination the few days before, after my CTs ended.Oh well. it's kinda scary to think about all the deadlines and the ENORMOUS amount of work I have to cram in the next week or so but hmm..what to do, you reap what you sow. And then again, I dont have regrets for slacking the past few days...since i would never have that luxury again for the many weeks and months to come. Lemme just list the amount of work i have here.It might help me have a clearer idea of the kind of study schedule im planning for next week.

1.History Internal Assessment (going to be finished in a few hours time)
2.Individual Oral Presentation- No other city-Outside it's just due week 3
3.Theory of Knowledge essay draft 2 due next fri
4.Extended essay proposal due next tues
5.CAS file due next tues
6.Economics Internal Assessment-due..week 4?
7.Revision of whatever that i've not revised for last term for all subjects
8.NDP rehearsals
9.BB Care
10.Mentoring course
11.Tutoring??

If you think they are all easy peasy assignments that can be done in one sitting, i would BEG for your pardon.All of them required at least a 1000 words essay with exception for econs being a 700 words article. The last 3 items being the other CCA commitments that are very time-consuming.Bleah...Hayz...I guess it helps that i'm a workaholic and a pro mugger hahaha.

Hayz...Ive been quiet far from the Lord these past 2 days, not reading the Bible and praying.

Father, I ask for your forgiveness and I thank You for sustaining me so far through the exams and until now.I pray for strength,perseverence and determination to do all things that have to done for Your glory lord, nothing to my name but everything for You.I pray too that i will be able to manage my time and not compromise my time with family and friends.I seek your guidance Lord, in helping me not to be so sucked into this rat race and the load of work that i would forget spending time with You and to reflect on these trials that You have allowed me to go through.May you reign in my life and Lord, please help me to trust in You now more than ever before...In Your son's most precious name I pray,
Amen

2/7/07

Hmm...the title doesnt sound cool at all.I actually wanted a cool title for today's entry because today's been quite a day.I just want to thank God for the day because...what i planned to do didn't happen but instead, by God's grace, more amazing things took place haha.Lets recount my memorable day shall we? =)

I must admit i started the day rather late.Having woken up at around 8 am, I could have been more productive and started work earlier.(Don't ask me why i woke up at such a time during a holiday)Well,anyway, I slacked around the house for a few more hours, waiting until about 11 and set off, with national library as the beginning destination and ending at the esplanade.Ive planned to finish my IOP poem analysis, TOK research and EE research as well.What actually happened?Instead of doing my work in the library which i never set food in eventually, I spent 2 hours at Delifrance on Bras Basah Rd and managed to finish half of the poem.It was really quiet and all,since i was the only customer whose stingy order of an ice mocha and a quiche allowed the staff continuous free time.I was quite productive there, considering i could cover the poem and understand its subtleties underlying the form of the poem.Well, it's a very depressing poem(whats new) and yeah, i couldn't take it after a while and hence, paid my bill and left at around lunch time.

I was actually looking for the national library but detoured to the Singapore Arts Museum(S.A.M) and in the end, as mentioned earlier, never made it to the NLB.I did not regret my detour for a single minute.It must have been God guiding me(since i prayed the day before for Him to guide me through the next day and make it productive) because the SAM was having an exhibition of a chinese painter whose works heavily reflected opinions and ways of life under communism.I was very captivated by his works, and took several notes on paintings i could understand and thought would help with my TOK essay.More exciting things were on my way.There's also an engraving works of the Louvre on exhibition which i took a look.Oh well, not as fascinating, but enchanting and awe-worthy are the explantions on engraving techniques that had been used and commissioned since Louis XIV days.Again, I took notes, but in less details.

I was about to leave the place when the curator asked if i would be interested to follow a tour of the museum.The guide was actually a venezulean volunteer and the menu for the day was Singapore's artists and their different techniques as well as Indonesian and Philippino artists.Such is the pathetic state of singapore's arts appreciation, having a foreigner to explain to us about our own artists...Oh well, praise the Lord for such art enthusiasts, for without them, the art scene would be in even a more dire condition.Well, I agreed to the tour.As a matter of fact, it would give plenty to talk about for my TOK essay, especially now i have a guide who knows her stuff and could provide clear explanation on the paintings.We took a tour and analysed the works of 3 pioneering artists in singapore.Having always been interested in arts,I was pretty immensed in the whole experience.I took more notes, in even more details. The small tour group initially comprised of about 6 later shrunk to the size of just 3 people including myself and a mother and daughter. The little girl was really smart and all, being able to identify elements within the paintings as the guide pointed out.Oh well, the most interesting part of the whole tour was indisputably the works of the indonesian artist Alfandi.His works are..wow..and his daughter's work of defiance against the muslim's rule of man having multiple wives enthralled me.She's the artist,and also the freedom fighter whose struggle against restrictions and rules though limited itself to her paintings, had a far reaching influence on indonesian female artists and women in general.

The latter hours of the afternoon were spent at the esplanade's NBL.It's really a labyrinth for the arts enthusiasts like me.Oh man, i could have spent hours inside there.Ive found my music heaven.I borrowed some really good books on singing and music techniques that are both useful for TOK and my singing.Hmm...what a trip.

Okie..due to time constraint, i will stop here.I'm really grateful to God, now that i think about the day in an entity.He has allowed me to see parts of singapore Ive ignored for a while and the little treasures these places hold.How wonderful a feeling to know the day is in His hands and He has directed and guided me even in my little endeavours.Thank you Lord.You are marvellous beyond words.=))

It's been a succession of wonderful days that were spent in uplifted spirit.Today's service, with worship led by the youth ministry, is really good.I'm not just talkin about the worship, but rather the whole service itself.The message, the right response to trials by Pastor Erik, was timely and ministering.God was speaking.Sometimes, i really just want to get out of these trials that i'm facing.The fact is that i have a choice to run from them made it all the more tempting to just abandone them altogether and seek refuge elsewhere.I guess today's message is God's encouragement to me.I shant go into the details of today, but rather, I'll copy some of the sermon notes, quotes, that i found to be of tremendous help in troubled times like now.

Right response to trials
Text: James 1:1-12
Pastor Erik Kua.

Peserverence can only be achieved when one is tested to our full measure.(v3-4)
Every step you take is one step closer to the finish line.
Don't try to get out of things prematurely.Let things run their course.
Trials and testsa re devine homework so that we may know God better and draw closer to Him.(v12)
(=SMILE IN THE STORM=) (v2)

Thank You, Lord,
for the trials that come my way.
In that way I can grow each day
as I let You lead,
And thank You, Lord,
for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.
'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored.

I thank you, Lord,
with each trial I feel inside,
that You're there to help,
lead and guide me away from wrong.
'Cause You promised, Lord,
that with every testing,
that Your way of escaping is easier to bear.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.
'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored.

I thank You, Lord,
for the victory that growing brings.
In surrender of everything
life is so worth while.
And I thank You, Lord,
that when everything's put in place,
out in front I can see Your face,
and it's there You belong.
-------------------------------------
Books I'm TRYING to read:
Tully
To what end
A woman after God's own heart
The Alchemist

Songs overplayed:
From the inside out
Through it all
When You're gone
All I ask of you
Summer snow

Okie, this is the addition to the morning post since i have about 20 minutes spare before i start my work proper.It's frustrating really...i do have a lot of things on my mind, but every time i start typing stuff here, all the strains of thoughts just evaporated.Well,I've been reading more books and newspaper these few days.I read a random book titled "Why am i afraid to love?" by John Powell.Its random because i was just bored taking a break from my studies, so i browsed through the dad's bookshelf and yupz, the title just caught my attention.Well, its a very small, thin book which i finished reading in one sitting of 30 minutes, yet, it preaches deep and profound revelations.I'll type some of those at the end of this post.

For now..hmm..the random thoughts again.The moon tonight is majestic.It's so beautiful, it made me gaze at it for about 5 minutes or so.I didnt even know it's full moon now.Hayz...the beautiful moon, it made me miss Bintan a lot.How I just wish I could teleport myself back to that little "survivor" island and well, spend day or two there.I dont think i will forget that night anytime soon.The stars so bright and so numerous they covered the whole sky, almost every inch of it.At 4 am, there was no moon nor light to shine off these stars, the entire sky was a magnificent view.God's creation, this earth, is beautiful and maverlous and such, but everyday, it's being destroyed, deteriorating at breakneck's speed.Such is the pathetic, sinful nature of humans...of wanting, exploiting everything and paying little or no attention to the damage they cause.

I have about 1o mins more to rant on.Well, I'm going to do up my study schedule for the week ahead, set goals for the next term and organise my time for the next few months as well.I do have a lot of commitments and yeah, I do want to excel from next term onwards.It's gonna be crazily busy but I'm trusting God for everything.I'm just going to pray hard, seek Him and have faith He will pull me through the trials He has allowed to blaze in my life.There was a time when God felt so far away, and I dont want that time to ever come again.It was the time when suicidal thoughts filled my mind, when my escape was just...death.Now, I wont even allow myself to think of such thoughts, it's scary, and most importantly, it's a very self-centered, selfish thought.I'll go through all of them...I wont escape..and i'll steer ahead with a smile =)

I do seriously want to go to KK this december.But yeah, I'll pray about it from now till then and see if ill have the greenlight, since as Mr Ng said, its the most important thing.I also want to tutor in Crescent and help out in the Rainbow center, with BB and schoolwork to handle, a few mentees to take care of...well..that looks a like a long list isnt it?I'm just afraid that i'll turn into a workaholic again, working in the name of the Lord but in reality just to immense myself in work so i wont have the time to think and care about anything.Thats very selfish of me huh...But yet again...thats been the christine everyone knows...

Okie...work beckons.And its a very long entry AGAIN haha.I think i need to learn how to cut down the length of my entry haha.