Time to fly

6/7/07

I dont know why i'm just in the mood for a very long entry of emo blogging.I dont really care if anyone reads anymore. After a while, I'm quite convinced i'm just blogging with the knowledge that it is for myself, and for God.It's like an added confession to Him, since my prayers are always cluttered with requests for other people,sometimes for myself..

I have well, quite some time i suppose..Ive adjusted back to the normal sleeping time of a school night, feeling sleepy around 12 and not around 3 am as i used to in june. There is a lot to blog about tonight.I feel as if this entry has been dying to be posted, to be written and yet it wasn't.Emotions i tried to hide, events i let slip by, and problems i chose to ignore seem to have crashed on me.They did, in june, but now with another set of problems and challenges, added to the ones yet to be completed in june.Life is...like that indeed.

I feel the urge to talk about LDC.I didnt blog about LDC at all.There were a lot of reasons why i chose to ignore the entire experience of LDC in my written reflections.One of them is that, God spoke, of the things I couldnt understand, of the many trials He laid down for me ahead, and of His forgiveness which i could never feel adequate enough to receive. LDC was...live-changing, but it was also emotional for me.First day, nothing much until my prayer shift.That one hour of prayers, in the prayer room where for the first time in so long, i felt God's presence, so closed to me, as if when I prayed, He was wrapping himself around me.There was comfort, but there was also pain. The pain came first.In the presence of the Almighty, I could only ask for forgiveness...i just sobbed...I just cried like ive never cried before. Tears flowed so freely they couldnt be stopped for minutes....I remember trembling in fear, in pain and in the recognisation that eventually, I'm still loved and forgiven by Him, despite all the things I have done wrong.There are many things I thought were unacceptable to Him.Somehow, in that room God just comforted me that it was all right, that I was human, and i was weak but its ok because He is strong. When the 1 hour was up, my eyes were so red i thought they were swollen. Well, they were.I was trying very hard to appear normal in front of the primers, officers and especially the sec 2s.I hate the idea of letting someone see me cry, it sux..because to me, tears still signify weakness.Not that I see it as weakness in others, but for myself, tears are not meant to be seen.

day 2..hike..exciting things for me.The day was jolly, first time doing hike with a bunch of sec 2s, primers and officer, Marc. It brought back a lot of memories of OBS, of the strenous trekking around Ubin that we did. There was also cooking, which again reminded me of OBS.It was OBS short version, a lot more simplified.I'm just thankful for crescent...allowing all of us to do OBS, and it really was some physical and mental training, pushing my limit of endurance and strength to its full capacity.The hike, to be honest, was no kick.Compared to the extremely heavy bag we carried then, so heavy we couldnt lift it up without using support of the legs, the hike bag was very light. OBS didnt give us basha poles for support, neither were we given drinks nor sweets...and Ubin was a world different from Lim Chu kang straight roads.I guess i was up to the challenge of hike thanks to OBS. Then again, hike wasn't just about OBS.-reminiscing.The day, as i said, was happy, cheerful, and everybody was enthu.The contrast in the night hike couldnt be any sharper.False march was fun, cool and all..but besides that, night hike was very...trying?It was for me, to the end,and i was pushing beyond enduring strength.I was dealing with something else, i was talking to God. God just spoke, dont ask me how I know it was Him. i just knew. There was this distinct voice, so clear and loud, I couldnt hear any other voices anymore.It came at the most difficult, most trying time of the night hike, when we were marching at such a slow pace, having an injured member and not knowing exactly how to head to sleeping site.Could God choose a better time to tell me something important?yeah...sure..But he chose that moment, at the time of despair, to add to it another heavy burden.Tears didn't stream tat night.No matter how much i wanted to cry, they didnt come.There was this melancholic feeling, the awareness of something heavy just placed on my shoulders.Yet I was too tired to think too much about it, too afraid and shocked too. i just wanted to delay it..I needed time to think I told the Lord. The fact was that , I couldnt think at all lying there at my sleeping spot. I was sheer fatigued, but i couldnt sleep due to the bright light, and the fact that my throat was beginning to bother me. I curled myself up like a cocoon, cos it was pretty cold and somehow, managed to doze off, waking up 3 times in 3 hours...

2nd day of hike, 3rd day of camp...I didnt know how it happened, but the moment i woke up, I somehow, some way, mysterious to myself, said yes to the challenge, or rather the trial God has given me the choice to take.I didnt know what i was in for, but i said yes. was it because of the grogginess in the morning, or was it just the desire to be over and done with and not to be bothered again, i said yes.I never know.That day, hiking became a challenge for the first time. My little toe, which had sufferred much due to the court shoes on the first day, and of the abrassion the day before being untreated, was screaming in pain and for rest on the 3rd day. i couldnt let it rest of course. So I prayed continuously to Him, praying for my little toe to endure a little more(actually it was a lot more) till we reached our final destination. God was gracious, and answered my prayers, through the pouring rain that came in the late morning. I was so grateful, i was just praising Him silently, rejoicing in the refreshing rain, and of course, refusing to wear a poncho. In the end, i was soaking wet, but heck, my little toe was cured and i felt refreshed, cheerful and hyper again.The few hours before, i couldnt be hyper even if i wanted to. God continued speaking, honestly, I have never experienced Him this much before in my entire christian life.He spoke so much , and as I listened silently, literal silence since no one spoke much, an overwhelming sense of fear and trepidation swept through me.I could never fathom the trial i chose.I could never imagine how hard it was, nor the rationale behind it. All I knew then, was that , i was in for something huge, something challenging, a trial that would put my everything to the test. My faith, my endurance, my love for Him, my strength and my tolerance, my capacity to contain pain and hurt, they would all be put to the test. I could only think about it and be struck by its magnitude, but i could never imagine myself going through it and come out triumphant.The conviction came that moment too...so clear, short but profound.
Tears...then..just flowed..they just rolled down my cheeks and i couldnt stop them . I was thankful we were marching in single file, meaning no one could really see my face and that I was crying. I would have a hard time explaining if they did. When we got a chance to rest whilst waitin for audrey to join us again, I took out my bible and search for verses of assurance and comfort. i found something in romans...I cant remember...but yes, they did uplift my spirit a little. I must admit, quite shamefully, i was relying on the sugar in fruit tips to cheer me up rather than God's words. I needed to stop crying, and yeah..fruit tips served its purpose.

My entire life, throughout my childhood, since the age of 7 or 8, up to my early teen years, I was learning to cope with loneliness. It was a constant companion of mine since that tender age of 8. My mom was overseas, my sister living with my aunt to overcome her depression, leaving me with my father and my maid. Father being a man, i could never really share anything emotional with.I turned to my diary and wrote extensively since that age. Friends were many, but few, in fact none, understood that loneliness i felt. I learnt to cope with it, and in time, as my teen years approached, I learnt to like it. Solitude, rather than loneliness, i would call it. The fact that being alone is no longer that strange, that lonely...made me very independent.I could do eveything by myself, everything...to the movies, to lunch, shopping, the bookshops and library, and even back to Vietnam alone. I took the plane alone when i was 12, and it was, haha, some experience. The point en cas is...solitude was something familiar to me.I like it, i know it and i was fine with it. Somehow, during LDC, during that few hours before the rain, loneliness came in wave of attacks.I never felt so..alone before, in spite of being surrounded by my hike group. I was back to being 8, when nobody understood how I felt, or more accurately, nobody could understand what i was going through. There was an insurmountable longing to share, and yet, there was no one to confine in. I cried out to God, I pleaded to Him to let me back out of this, but no was His answer.I felt comforted by the rain, but the rain had to stop, and then again, i felt it was just me, and me alone walking on this winding road. God was above me, God was somewhere, and I couldnt feel Him. The moments after hike were dark and bleak. I needed God more than anything, I needed comfort, a physical comfort and there was none. Loneliness again, came, not as a friend but a frightening enemy. Walking up from the space frame, limping since my toe was hurting so bad i couldnt even walk properly, another surge of loneliness attacked. Gone head were fellow primers, sec 2 and officer, it was just me.In the shower that afternoon i let my tears run in the cold water and hoped that it would stop. Just like the rain that masked the tears, cold water washed them away, but not the pain. It was just fatigue, emotional, physical and mental fatigue...and there and then, the fever that had been brewing since the end of hike finally arrived. To sit through the debrief for hike was a challenge in itself. To take minutes was yet another challenge. I should never have bothered...but i did...and thank God that i did because i was occupied with something, which led me away from straying thoughts. The fever didn't help, and though i was feeling utterly sick , i was determined to conceal the fact from everybody. It proved to be successful, since nobody except my roommates were aware...for once the insensitivity of the guys came in useful. Day 3 was..not another experience. Day 3 taught me much, and day 3 let me see God too in all aspects of His power and might, Glory and majesty. Though he was strict and stern in the trials, He gave comfort, rest and encouragement through the people around me. He gave me strength and a surprising streak of optimism that enabled me to stay more or less pretty cheerful throughout day 4. To be prayed for was comforting, to pray for others was encouraging. To be able to sleep soundly was strengthening and to wake up on time with a clearer mind was a optimistic...I thank You father, for everything.

I wont elaborate day 4, because day 4 was felt by everybody. ididnt have a different experience...i felt God came, not for me specifically but rather for everybody in that room. Day 4 was for the company, for BB, not for me.

June saw the happiest, most life-defining, changing moments of my life, and yet, it brought too the darkest hours, the most trying times and the feeling of utter despair that one could only feel being at the bottomless pit.The 2nd half of june was defining, but not in the way the first half was. It was...very lonely, very helpless sometimes...and very bleak definitely.I remember the very night, the one night when electricity was just cut off and right at the point when i was desperate to blog, to do something about my bottled up feelings.There was no light, i couldnt talk to anyone online, it was around 4 in the morning...and i couldnt wake anyone up...neither could i sleep cos it was too hot..and i could even read my bible.At that point, whats left to do?Pray...and thats what i did.I kneeled and prayed as tears of despair came in floods..That night, was the night i learnt to appreciate light, His light, and the physical light.The light from the corridor of the condo gave me the idea that i could actually get out there and read my bible.Sitting outside my house, i flipped the bible in search of something for comfort...and God led me to Psalms 69.In the Lord I will trust, in my despair I will not turn to the light of God. In the dark, in my hopelessness, in the darkest hours, I seek only Him.In my trials I will praise Him...