Time to fly

Memories

The previous post was rather messy, because i let my thoughts led.In this post, i will take control.I won't attempt to express emotions but rather let the words do the job. If you get it, you get it, if you don't, too bad.

This blog, created in 2004, had the purpose of being my diary online. It wasnt publicised, but rather, friends picked up the fact along the way that i changed my address and well, one link led to another, most of my friends updated their links.It was abandoned for some time, revamped, abandoned yet again...until it was devoid of all audience but a faithful few, who, eventually, also abandoned their pursuit. I blogged freely with the thought in mind that nobody read it, except a random few who came and went. Today, i'll do the same as i did 1 year ago. This blog wasn't created for an audience. It was for myself, and maybe God. I remember blogging about this topic before..won't dwell too much in it now. Anyway, my prayer book was started on the same year. So the prayer book was for God, and this blog for myself. Today, I'll just blog as if nobody reads, as if my only audience is God and myself, and hence, the deepest of thoughts will run, with me keeping them in check. Christine, are you ready?The journey back to memory lane begins. Sit tight, and hold on; you might lose yourself.

Why now, you ask? Why when amidst all the mad preparations for my looming exams, drawing so near like the ominous clouds hanging dangerously low in the heavens tonight,amidst my worries for all the IAs and assignments undone, i'm taking precious time out to do this, which might cost me hours? The need to cry it out, the need to reflect, the need to understand myself, the need to draw something from the memories to allow me to continue...thats my answer to you. I won't go back so far as my childhood in vietnam.I'll go back to Crescent. The 4 years in which character was built, faith was challenged, love was expressed in abundance, care was given in endless supply, and most important of all, fears were finally triumphed in God's amazing grace.

I came to crescent to collect my O level cert yesterday. If there was one word to describe the experience, it was nolstagic. The bus ride, which I was so familiar with,(275 to the interchange, 132 to crescent) was well, different. I remember the mornings of school, when the bus was packed with girls in bright yellow and blue uniform,away from whom a few lonesome Rgs girls, scgs girls, sji boys and cjc students would sit(though the number of these increased by the year). I always went up, cos the bus is always a double-deckered bus, and listened to my mp3, then wasnt an Ipod, trying to catch some 10 min sleep, or in the days of tests or exams, cramping in information in my notes. It was routine as such, but yeah, even then, the bus ride was memorable. I always struggled with some fear, some thoughts, something...because not all school days were good. Yesterday ride, being in the afternoon, was lacked of any of the mentioned parties. It was just scattered with old folks and well, myself.

The whole area around Crescent registered some memories. Although i see it every sunday morning going to church where the car would turn into margaret drive from tanglin rd, it was nothing like yesterday.The traffic light reminded me of the many times i stood there frustrated in the blazing hot sun of the afternoon, trying to catch a coming bus from the opposite site to go for my french lesson. If I missed it, particularly for sec 4, i would be late.Going up the familiar ramp leading to the school, i saw some npcc girls going home. Someone was also walking up, probably like me, collecting cert, or maybe for some other reasons. I just knew she was an old girl. The guards are the same, the fat lady who used to stop me and Nat from going out to buy food in sec 4, from whom we hid, smuggling illegal food in from mobil, during illegal hours. We always succeeded. The food items? It was sometimes orders from the class, sometimes for ourselves, mainly potato chips, (lays), sour power, drinks, large amount of chocolates and sweets.They were our essentials, closest friends in time of trials..we ate them throughout afternoon lessons in which the temptation to sleep threatened to win over our determination to pay attention.They were always shared...despite whoever that paid for them.

The front office was the same as it was when i was sec 4. It was renovated for our 50th anniversary.The huge picture of Ms Lau, my teacher-in-charge for TDP, smiling radiantly, discussing something with a group of students over the tablet pc dominated the wall. It was of course a posed photo. I myself was part of such photos once.Oh well, mine never made it there. Thankfully. Anyway, the swing door which i forgot was ungratefully still in place. It swung back to hit my hand that was still holding on the other door and oh well, blood spilled on one of my fingers. I wasnt alarmed, still trying to call the attendant lady who was the same, who was attending to one of the girls. It was about photostating of report card... I smiled to myself little;i understood perfectly how it felt...knowing that report cards given out later were always because the students didnt do well and had to see teachers. The worse one does, the higher the authority one sees. I saw the HOD of english, my own english teacher, Mr. Ravi. I wont attempt to discuss what happened, because its just a few posts below. Anyway, back to my finger, which by now was bleeding mad, potentially dropping blood onto the floor. I went for the first aid box, cos the attendant lady was still busy anyway, and i didnt want to dirty the floor. The first aid box probably was asking itself why it was called so. It had nothing inside except a bottle of camomile lotion and some bandage rolls that cant be of use. No cotton wools, no plasters. I had to use my tissue which i realised only then that i brought, to wipe the blood. I was signing my name after collecting the cert with the same hand. I made no fuss about it, whilst the attendant lady was in a fiasco, going for the same first aid box and exclaimed outloud my previous sentiments, complaining about the door. The whole thing stopped when they realised how unbothered I was about the cut. Blood, is after all, intriguing.

The cert, couldnt look any more ordinary. Pun intended. It was green, but it was just some elaminated paper that states my grades. It looks pretty impressive. No Bs. Of course..it was the the exact same grades as my prelims. You might as well tell me that my prelims were my O level grades...cos there was nothing that differed. It states the following:
English A ONE english cambridge
Combined Humanites A TWO english cambridge
Geography A TWO english cambridge
French A ONE french cambridge
Elementary mathematics A ONE english cambridge
Additional mathematics A ONE english cambridge
Combined Science A ONE english cambridge

My purpose for doing this? So that i would remember i suppose, and for my own musing. The 2 A2s are actually humanities, subjects i was supposed to own. Well, I was indeed very disappointed with geography, but wasnt very surprised for combined humanities, as my lit wasnt fantastic thusfar in sec 4, despite it being my favourite subject. Oh well, one truth it emphasised: my God-blessed linguistic abilities. Mr Ravi actually shook my hands, or rather demanded to shake my hands before the results were released. I thought it was about to get 6 pts for 7 A1s straight or something grand, but yeah, he shook my hands because i had A1 for english. He had written in one of my essays submitted close to prelims "christine, you have the potential to achieve an A1 (he underlined A1)..." My essays to that point were always A2s, frustratingly A2s...i was settling for A2 for english, pushing my humanities for all A1. I remember too i was also quite sad because it would mean i didnt have the linguistic ability to become a lawyer. Later on, my essays were well... A1s..only 2 of them mind you. He was probably very proud of the fact that i achieved my potential. I was after all, his most outspoken student, second only to Nat, and probably the few girls who understood his sarcastic remarks. I used to be the only one laughing at his remarks; they were to criticise us, but of course, my classmates didnt understand them, and also, hence, they thought he was irritating, speaking rubbish most of the time. The truth? He was brilliant, extremely sarcastic but extremely caring at the same time,. he was christian too mind you. I picked up a lot of sarcastic phrases from him. My sensitivity to sarcasm also increased exponentially thanks to him haha.

To be honest, I didnt feel anything of typical-results-day sentiments. I didnt feel good, i didnt feel proud of what i achieved, i didnt exactly feel like a failure, but there was nothing exciting or special about it. I saw those grades for prelims...surprise a little wont you? Anyway, i remember results day, smses from ppl in acs, the BB guys, coming in minutes after results were released, asking how i did. I told them without excitement. I remember smsing Adriel "i dunno whether to laugh or cry", to which he replied "praise God!" God was probably reminding me then to glorify Him, and after receiving the sms, i silently said a prayer thanking Him for the results, which probably guaranteed me a place in acsi. People around me would have killed for those grades, but i wasnt even proud of them. Whats with them anyway, just As. Recalling it now, it was my sec 2 wish that my O cert would be nicely all As...now that ive achieved it, nothing about it seems memorable.The cert was thrown into my luggage that contains books from vietnam. I didnt even look at it once upon reach home, didnt even show my family yet.

I'll tell you now whats momerable. Prelims was what memorable. Mid years were what memorable. Ive failed before in crescent, the first in sec 1 for math after which i bounced back and got 19/20, surprising my own math teacher. I only remember that particular grade, the rest now whitewashed in forgotten memories. Anyway, yes, ive failed a few more times since, but i had never failed like this. I had 3 F9s (chem, phy and a math), D7 for geo, C6 for combined humanities, C6 for english, french was not counted. E math an A2, but the emath paper was very easy and everybody scored over-the-roof marks. I was prepared for failures but not to that extent. It was worse when it was black and white on paper. Whatever it was, it made me feel depressed for days. If you could fathom how i felt, you are probably God. There was nothing like that feeling, depression set in even though i was prepared for it. I was back to sec 2s, when suicidal thoughts came though fleetingly.I was also referred to the counsellor i had been in sec 2. Teachers came round to encourage, teachers counselled. Van, my best friend, tried all means, the Bible which she carried around all the time, was shown to me at my ignorance. I was asked to take sleeping pill so i could sleep and not think too much. Thoughts just flooded me then. I remember it so well. If you look at me then, you wouldnt have guessed the grades ive achieved at prelims. I was on my knees, because there was no one else to go to. All my years in crescent, not a single time i was placed out of the top 10 of the class, a good few times in the top 20 of the level. and...from 4th in class, down to 4th from bottom up. The fact was that people expected me to do well. People, friends asked relentlessly for my results, in the spirit of competition. People who learnt of my grade probably dropped their jaws, or had expressions of similar feelings. I was somebody who excelled, all these years, consistently, and then, i was nobody. There was this humiliation of going to REAP sessions, which later i actually liked. At the same time, there were the teachers who poured out endless care and concern, and who showed unwavering faith. "You have done it many times before, going against the tide, you will do the same now." "You can do it, christine, all of us believed you can do it." Did i believe in those encouraging remarks then?Not really. Throughout june and july, i was still struggling with depression, learning to trust God, learning to be that nobody. At the same time, I feel that was a blessing. I had no pressure from anyone, not even from parents, but just my own. After attending the open house for ACSI, i remember going back studying harder than ever with a more purposeful end in mind. It was also a momerable walk with God, how He humbled me to my knees, and how He gently brought me up with such enduring love and grace. Ive strayed far in sec 3, being sporadically enthu for Him, but this time, He was determined to bring me back for good. It was one lesson I would remember for life.

How i did it? I dont remember. I would want to recount the day i receive a prize for improved results during the Farawell assembly for sec 4s. I dont remember the whole event well to be very honest. I cant even recall the theme, but i remember how the banner look like. It was a clock showing time...something to do with that and our 50th anniversary of course. I cant remember the speech made by mrs Lee, I cant remember too the speech made by Lynette, sec 2 classmate and then president of student council. Whatever it was, i m sure the phrase "to leave a legacy" was in their speeches. It was our theme for 50th anniversary. Well, I remember the prize giving part. I only know then, the exact moment i was about to go on stage, ok about 5 mins before that i was the most improved student. The surprise did add to the excitement, which was played up by the mc raising her voice to say "now, the most improved student for the prelims of 2006, with an improvement of 31 points..."at which she made an emphasis of course, to the "wow" i could hear from the sec 3 juniors sitting behind. Well i thought the whole speech was abit overboard but i ran upstage at call of my name anyway, only to realise then the whole school had erupted into a huge applause, with my class giving a standing ovation..they were indeed cheering mad..and i could only took a glance. At that moment in time, what were my thoughts you might wonder...A lot is what i can say. Running up to meet a smiling Mrs Lee, who knew me personally, i thought of the teachers sitting directly in front, closest to the stage. All of them, all who taught me, all who knew me, all who counselled me, were there. I wonder if i made them proud, if they were smiling, if they were proud of the fact that one student whom they had so much faith in, who fell and picked herself up all because it was for them..all for God. Did i thank God? I did. I dont think that historic jump of 31 points would ever be possible without God. He did it, not me. I would want the juniors sec 3 who sat the back and watched all of these happening to know if I could do it, so could they, but with God. They were probably pretty impressed...some of them still ask me now how I did it. Remembering I was once there, down so low at a seemingly bottomless pit, but i triumphed fears, fears of failures, fear of depression, of suicide, to probably show the world God's Glory. I was just His instrument to tell them He is faithful, and gracious, and has unfailing love and forgiveness that surpass their understanding. I helped to achieve God's purpose...Now looking back, that was the greatest joy...

We are ending the journey here, due to time constraint, but before the journey is ended so very abruptly, cos i havent even finished describing my walk around the classrooms. But yeah, wait, one thing. I passed by the TDP board.It was unchanged, not updated. The memories of glorious days of my batch, the first TDP batch still lingered there. I was chosen for the programme thanks to my grades at the end of sec 1..cant remember them, but a bunch of A1s and few Bs and no C..i had no C at all until sec 4 i believe. Oh well, i was among the top 5% of the cohort..pretty impressive. We were called out during assembly one morning. I had no idea what was in store, none of us did, but we went to meet Mr Tan, the jolly, fat but cute vice principal then and Ms Sharon Goh at the Muti purpose room. A bunch of about 20 of us, the top 20 of the level i supposed then, all looking pretty dazed and and excited about having our names called our personally by the vice-principal. Oh well, we were chosen, the chosen ones indeed, the previleged few, selected based on acad results for a newly created project called Talent Development Programme(TDP). One girl did opted out, i was still very depressed, but i didnt know why i just stayed put. The next months ahead were exciting thanks to TDP. We were introduced to philosophy lessons, conducted after class, on tuesday haha..i still remember. I came to enjoy the classes, discussing issues of moral, we did moral philosophy then, exploring Kant's theory, and a bunch of other stuff..basically moral theories, coupled with practical classes of case analysis for which we watched law and order( a part of it), read articles on euthanasia, murders by children, asking the morality of the children , was it nature or nurture... I was very enthu, and was taken in by the whole thing. I love it, and my reflections on such articles always came back with good remarks from Ms Goh, hence further deepened my interest in all things philosophy. Thats how i started by quest to search for the deeper meanings in all things..even the ordinary things. It was also one of our assignment to do as such, take picture of something in the school and relate it to something philosophical. I didnt love philosophy, and i didnt learn that, for most of my knowledge acquired then had ceased from existence. However, i did learn how to question, how to think, and that was why Mrs Lee, who was by the way a christian, embraced the programme. There was also adventure stuff...like dragon boating, rock climbing, abseiling, all of which we had to write relfections on as assignment. We paid not a single cent for those activities. And finally, the epitome of TDP experience for me, the Asean Stories Project. It was compulsory to choose a project to do. Tania and I both went for the thing that we thought would allow us to slack the most since we also signed up for a CIP trip to vietnam. The latter was cancelled due to bird flu. Had it happened, i would be the translator..but ASP would have ceased from being my experience. ASP was larger, much larger than we thought. We worked with undergraduates, scholars to be exact from round the region who had come to NUS for exchange. I felt so young, and small then. I went out with them after meetings at night, and always ended up not paying anything because they would treat me..the little one.I learnt loads....and also there, learnt to be bold despite my age. Yeah...speaking for the IT team to a bunch of undergraduates when you were about 15 was quite daunting. Then there was also mad rush to finish it within 2 months, the launch which was extravagant, at which i made small speech in the presence of all volunteers, supporters and also the minister of education. Heh..i was also wearing something from vietnam...and of course, what remains...the newspaper article in whose photo i was sitting at such an unglam position i could never bring myself to see it.; and the website, the product of all hardwork of 2 months, and a bunch of different people.Its still there on the noticeboard of TDP. www.aseanstoriesproject.org ....i might volunteer back here after IB..who knows.Persis is still in my MSN, and SLC knows me well by the very funny memorable speech i made in sec 3 at their gathering.

Now, is the time, to say something. Yeah, I cant end the journey without mentioning MW. It would be an insult to me and to him not to mention him. He's part of the crescent memories, and he will always be. Whether or not it means something is a totally different story. I lack relationship experiences, but that doesnt mean i didnt know what it was like to actually like/love and have to let go. We knew each other online, through a friend, who introduced me to him. We clicked almost immediately, with him expressing more interest that he should thanks to be me being pure blood vietnamese. How i remember that conversation. Oh well, he actually called the very night to hear how i sound. September..somewhere there, i was sec 1. We would become very close friends,despite not seeing each other in real life for more than 20 mins. There is something about online friendsHip/relationship. He actually helped me with my lit, exclusive notes that helped him, since he did the same book, roll of thunder, hear my cry. The notes were found to be extremely useful by me, getting me an A1 for tests for the book. Oh well, looking back , he said, his notes helped me, not him whenever i thanked him for it. But it was more than lit notes, there were talkin into the night, smsing non-stop..smsing at 12 am and knowing he would reply. When we cant sleep, we would do that...smsed until one of us stopped replying.For sec 2 and 3, we were really closed. I think, to think i was just some online friend, i actually had more importance to him than some of his well, real life friends. I liked him for 3 years, We liked each other and never told each other. It was just 3 years of intense feelings that never materialised into a relationship. We were on the verge of entering into one, but never did. But that doesnt mean we were not closed. I was the first to know he was going to england that year. He was the reason why i chose IB, but of course, even when he had left and denounced IB, my desire to enter ACSI remained. He almost didnt go to england because of me, unbelievable to an extent, but it was very true. And yes, in so drama fashion, i actually encouraged him to go, even though i was sure it would be the end to all feelings, whatever that we actually built..would end. I was right. Sporadic communications, emails that after a while found to be irritant to both parties, and the fact is that we never talked anymore ended it, whatever that was there. He was a christian by the way, and i asked God about the relationship, and i think He showed me the answer with him going away. Had he stayed, i dont really know what would happen. My life would have been very different. The thing was, we were very well, similar people to begin with. We could never stop arguing. No party would give in. I? submit? Hell no. I would walk away feeling frustated more than anything sometimes. And, i was very sad when he left. There was this empty space somehow, the realisation no one to talk to online, sms to when it was 1 am in the morning....it was..painful?. The main thing is this, despite the fact i miss him, my desire to go to acsi that year was stronger than any feelings i had. So, i blocked all feelings that i felt, hid somewhere, all of which in time would vanish without me even knowing it. I was devoted to God, my studies, my overwhelming desire to go to acsi after the huge failure...he was out of that picture. He was actually mugging away as well, new to the environment, trying hard to catch up at the same time since he was behind his mates. He was failing, which explained his frustration in the emails. But was i sensitive enough to understand that? No, of course not. i shut it out and was convinced whatever it was, it should end. And so it should. We were so immature, still so insensitive, so headstrong, and were hurling insults at each other all the time, with intention to hurt and create jealousy. Also, both of parents would have killed us, if not his parents then mine. And I had no intention of going behind my parents back, i was just too scared. Whatever it is, I thank God for saveguarding my heart. Had we been together, I doubt i would have said the same thing about his departure. My heart, being so fragile, would have been broken. I was well, attached, but emotionally not attached. The year that goes on, sec 4, he would still talk to me, after i sent to england a keychain i bought for him 2 years back in NZ and never had the chance to give. I thought it belongs to him anyway, and i had no use for it. I sent it without much emotions attached, but i guess he was pretty touched. No one sent him anything throughout his 1 year stay there. The months ahead saw him trying to patch things up, asking me to go join him in england, saying he would help with all applications.Well, I was...untouched. Whatever feelings i had for him, they had disappeared with the wind by that time. Whatever that was left of it in sec 4, was gone when i ignored them, submitted them to God so i could study. I was pretty tolerant of his randomness, which actually was quite funny, but now, it seems like im not less tolerant. Time let God changed both of us, and I moved on, pretty long ago, and somehow, i sense, he didnt. Do i actually feel anything recalling this? Not a single feeling, not even a smile, not..well..anything could be felt.. Do i have regrets having liked him and let him go? Probably in my dreams i might just do. Hell no. It taught me quite a bit about actually having some sorts of feelings for someone and well yeah, some kinds of relationship so to speak. Dont get me wrong, i think he makes an excellent friend, a very good friend that i know i can always scream "YOU SUCK" without having to think twice whether it was hurting cos...he would scream back in about 1 minute "YOU SUCK TOO". Our conversations are dominated with capital letters which mean shouting. Yet, he helped me with my econs essay at the beginning of the year, being the encourager for me to continue econs, and of course, his visits to acsi. I think, we would make very good friends. Somehow, beneath the randomness of his conversation, the fact that he remembers a lot of details i dont, seem to suggest to me something more than just randomness. Oh well, i wont dwell on it, because, i'm sorry, i've moved on. I'll be friends, and i think we should stay there for the many months to come when he would be back to singapore, having completed his A level. I'm keeping him in prayers for his As, but yeah, that is all to it.

Hmmm..relationships problems galore these days, sheila asking me about hers just this afternoon, more people coming to me to tell me something about theirs, i dont know if they actually know that im quite bad at this. I lack all emotions, i dont even feel anything after 3 years. And I truly thank God again. My heart, apart from the cracks here and there thanks to its own little quiet endeavours, is still pretty much whole. I dont have any intention of having it broken in the near future. I just believe that, ive been too customed to being by myself, having to deal with loneliness and all, coupled with the fact that i like solitude. I think i can definitely stay single.Its lonely at night, that i know, since i experienced that in sec 4, actually longing for someone just to be there so i could run to... Telling that to my youth leader didnt help and she asked me to turn to God, which I did. Ive topped having that longing feeling for some time now. I totally dont feel anything, and the fact is i can go shopping, to the movies, the beach alone. I like it that its just me, and i could think about a lot of things. Sec 4 was well, just me and God. But even before that, there was never the need, or rather overwhelming need to be with someone. 16 and 17 passed me by without much of a heartache to recall. This year, Adriel, well, adriel is pretty special in the sense that God taught me something through liking him. i would rather put the word like, cos i doubt it was love, though, i think i was pretty committed. Hes still in my prayers with the rest of the primers and yeah, thats all to it now. Looking back now, I do feel something, a mild sensation, but, that's all. The truth is i could block all feelings for the sake of ambitions. God is now teaching me something about that. My tutor once commented that i would just need a husband for comfort and that i would be able to earn my own money anyway. True...to a certain exent. You know what, Im actually scared of myself, the fact that i dont feel much, lacking the sensitivities when interacting with others, and hence, bringing a lot of problems if i do actually in the end get attached. I can go through all pains, its ok with me. But I dont like it if someone goes through that pain for me.MW probably doesnt, cos of his huge ego and pride. But if someone actually does in the future because of this, i would feel the overwhelming guilt.

Sheila..hayz...sheila dearie. Shes thinking way to much about it. And of course, if you were her, if i were her, i would. Shes being attacked by his close friend who is comparing herself to sheila and knowing she surpasses my friend in a lot of areas. Nic's brother actually said that comparing her and sheila is like comparing something and something else...what insensivity is that. To think she has to endure of all this, and of course, she still thinks good of his close friend, believing that shes just pure jealous. Well, I'll pray more fervantly for her.She's strong and of course there is God who is always strong.I just wish when it's my turn i dont have to go through something like that.As tough as i sound, when it comes to giving in, with my firm belief in love have to be free, I would probably just let go. And of course, comparision does get to me. I probably be worse off than sheila, since i'm not too sure i would stand up and fight... Lets just hope it wont happen. Anyway, BB rule safeguards me from all heartache as of now. After that, its just 9 months to depature for wherever i want to go. And well, i doubt something will happen, though, God might surprise me nevertheless. Im leaving it all to Him. This kind of thing, is way to much for me to handle.


The journey ends. Crescent without all these memories is not crescent. Crescent didnt nurture my faith, but it definitely challenged it, it a good way. I think, to go through the portal of crescent and come out triumphantly, the girl needs a lot of strong will, and definitely needs God.

There is satisfaction is knowing i have said whatever i want to say. This entry, is, the longest by far. I think it will win the prize.Back to mugger room, with my dear wonderful hitler and chemistry, and french too. I have a date to catch. See ya.