Time to fly

104th Post
4 years
thousands and thousands of words
Endless streams of thoughts
Immeasurable depth of emotions
millions drops of tears
Overflowing Grace
A contrite heart
A lightened soul
A humble bow
thank you

Do you know why mom and dad are like that?
I dont care
What?
Its their business.I dont need to know
Dont u think u should know?
For what..what can i do about it if i know? I know too much.thats the problem.

Mel, i wish i have your simple-mindedness sometimes.I wish you were the only one born to this world.You love them both.What about how i feel?I laugh a lot eh?I joke all the time. I act as if i'm nonchalant, as if im made of steel, lacking all emotions.I'm selfish too eh?For asking what i really need?Go ahead...Since when were you there when i need someone most?Since when did anyone really understand

I'm sick of this.I did what i could.What did you say do you remember.A happy family?A loving family.Please try harder.Do you even know the definition of such a term?Do you remember the hug?I do.Your apologies i took, for what now..i'm throwing them to the wind.Happy memories i'm trying hard to recall.They are rare.Whos the selfish one here i want to ask.Whos the one who needs to see the light?I'm sorry she loves me.I'm sorry i'm here.I'm sorry i came too.I'm so sorry i exist.Too bad my existence isnt a choice for me to make.I think too much.I'm sorry too i feel more than her.I think you wont shed a tear if i die now.You will because it causes tremendous pain to someone else.Whos the victim?We both are.Who had the choice?you. The choice to love, to pick me here, to devote a bit more time to realise i'm suffering...since day 1.Dont u remember?I do.I cried that afternoon.I was 11.The date? 11/12/1999.I shut my world.Is it her faut?yes.The mistake.One mistake.Mel.Bless her.Shes more obedient and loving than me.Curse me.I'm stronger than her.I'm smarter too.Curse my brain.

Go.Go back.Leave the cash.Leave the money.find your desired peace.Did you seek God?I hope you do.Pride.You have too much of it.Tolerance, I have a lot of it too.You too.But what now?I feel.I have a purpose to fulfill, a life to lead, work to do, responsibilities to fulfill...if you think you understand me, try reading my mind.

This blog...needs to be shut down.It seems like ive said this quite a few times.This time.for real.I'm using livejournal for good.And this time.No one should know the address.I know my hormones have a part to play for me to feel this way but.i need to stop crying.i'll slap myself the next time i shed a tear.I have mastered reverting tears back.Now what.I dont need this.Dont come near me.The horrible,the unloveable.the untouchable too.maybe thats how it should be.

God.I know You are near.I know you are carrying me.But.this is hard.I need to move Lord.I really need a miracle.An ordinary miracle too.I didnt ask for much.Just...just...

If you are looking for music...

Umbrella-Mandy Moore


Heal the world-Michael Jackson


Heal The World Lyrics




What If God Was One Of Us Lyrics

Hmmm the last song...is quite...questionable in the sense if it was for or against Christianity.But you know what, it makes a lot of sense and it just puts the cry of so many people out there into a song.

You know what, you dont need to listen to christian music 24/7 to tell the world you are righteous.Whats wrong with secular music anyway if they are soul-soothing???We are humans for goodness' sake.So yes, to me, any music that is soul-soothing in lyrics/melody/beat/all mentioned before is worth a try and will be entitled a space in my Ipod.

I'm selective about stuff i'm listening to now but stuff like Britney spears reflect my growth too.I grew up listening to those...just as i grew up idolising Justin Timberlake hahaha.He's a really good musician(2 grammys to his name and really good performer in the sense hes so professional) and what he does with his life...is really his to make out of.Its not easy being in the music industry.And his family kinda have some parallel to mine although his dad is actually a pastor. Mandy moore too...we actually have quite similar music taste haha! (rachael yamagata and a bunch of others less known artistes).Whats my point?Music transcend cultures, race, geographical distance.(Crediting Our journey here...)

I should seriously put links to my blog.Why? so that people who do chance upon this blog(yes yes, advance google search christine lek leads you here), shall find other blogs that are more interesting and will GET OUT of this.haha...
In the meantime, I'm spicing it with music and loads of other stuff i have never done before.Technology is not bad thing.Its how you use it that makes the difference. Rachel and I's TOK topic is the ethics of piracy and file-sharing-wonderful topic eh?I have so many ideas for the presentation already.However, now now, there is a risk putting it up here since people can steal it and do a better job.Whatever it is man, we are...ones of the top few female singers in the school (self-declared but give us the credits-we so deserve it) so whatever it is again, our PPT WILL ROCK.

Today...ROCKS
I had fun.
Thank you all the gals of 5.15 except for Jeanette whose circumstances forbade her from getting out of the house. WE WANT TO KILL YOU.We shall stage another investigation for the best dress for Jeanette soon.You wait gal, haha...no escaping =P
Thank GoD...we had fun knowing You are with us.
Thank the producers and actors and everyone who helped produce Borne:Ultimatum-the best out of 3.Best script, best story, best acting, best cinematographic features, best photography and best directing too...weee...Check it out man.I'm really indeed satisfied with the ending of the Borne series.
Thank God for vivocity- for the guys who came and well, got suaned and well, i hope you had fun being suaned man haha..
I really believe our favourite pastime is suaning guys wahaha.Have some courage before coming to our table eh? but then you all are so used to it/trained by now haha.Its good training for future endeavors =D
Oh I absolutely love my laptop.I can work anywhere now-even in MOS cos i can actually access internet from there.
Lluvia-Cant wait man.SYC ENSEMBLE SINGERS IN ACTION =D
SGB- oh man...i'm in it.External relations representative.I hope i didnt land myself into another mess...but oh well..AS God guides.I did pray about it...and oh well God, You will have to REALLY take control!!!

Okiee...I dont feel like blogging anymore. SONGS PLEASE...(and here they are)

My overplayed songs so far:
1)Soulmate- Natasha Bedingfield
2)All corrinne May stuff
3)Umbrella-Mandy moore version
4)Clockwatching-Jason Mraz
5)God of wonders
6)From the inside out
....
..
.

MORE SONGS NEEDED!

I have no idea why i titled my post as such but yeah...it was another random thought.

I have quite a lot on my mind these past few days yet i refrain from blogging every time.Hoa has a point.You should blog more when you are happy and dont blog when you are feeling kinda blue and depressed because then you can read the happier entries when you are down haha. The blog then should just record more positive stuff so you can read them when you are not very cheery.

Shall i recount events? I have so many in my head i dont know where to begin.Lets start with retreat. Since its still at the back of my mind and i have quite vivid memories of it for the moment.

Okkayy..thats it.Lets just recount whatever that comes to my mind.

Teachers' Day
I was almost zombified coming to school, having slept at about 2 am the night before despite my attempt to sleep earlier.Well, I was on MSN, making cards, looking through stuff and finally just browsing Facebook.Yeah, okay, facebook is a lot better than friendster haha but my attitude towards this kinda network thing doesnt really change. I joined friendster thanks to mr sin ming wei's persuasion dunno how long back and now i joined facebook cos of Dung.I guess i just joined to keep in touch with people and know what they are doing.For example, Ms Goh Wee Suan was added to my list on facebook by well...some reason unknown to me.Its nice to see her doing well in St Andrews though, and its even nicer to know shes engaged hahaha.Anyway back to Teachers' Day, I wrote a bunch of cards for the male teachers and brought 3 really beautiful roses for the female teachers. The entire day was spent...walking(ACES day)-i have no idea whats the use of the so long walk...and honestly, its quite useless in terms of reminding us to keep fit...but i guess it provides opportunity for everyone to just talk and hang out with their classes and teachers.I stuck with Alyssha and abandoned 5.15 since most of the girls were somewhere(Eryn and Rach choir, Jeanette conveniently ponned it) and Denise is ever so comfortable with the guys-not that I am not, but for the moment, i need to get away from them.Alyssha and i just talked and reminisced a lot about Crescent- how ACES day was spent dancing and teaching each other mass dance and how the walk reminded us of the mass run back then.Oh well...The concert was really extravagant and i thought it was good stuff too though it ended quite abruptly.It was very different from how Crescent celebrated it.I guess attended it to know the atmosphere of of teachers day in a boys school.I love the videos though haha.Michael Buble stuff too....and of course, Butler's video starring butler and prolly directed by Butler.

I didnt go back to crescent-cos ive been coming back so often.but yes, Mdm ting will get her coffee(so long overdue), ms goh will get her earrings and mr m and mr ravi their russian dolls i owed so long back.

Went out with nic and sheila after that at suntec to watch a really lousy movie called the legion.Please dont even bother watching it.I have no idea why we were, oh yes because rush hour was sold out and the rest of the shows were too late.I was quite zonked going there, and fell asleep for a few moments since the movie just yawns "boorrriinnngg."

Retreat
I shall go into the emo part of it.Since thats the part i want to blog about anyway.
God came...for everyone else but me i guess.I couldnt cry any tears or did i feel God was really there for me.I just couldnt feel His presence in the way i felt during LDC or in mid June or when the family crisis happened.The message too didnt get to me.I knew about Jimmy Elliot through the musical "love above all." It was a lot more touching watching it i guess. I remember the musical let God speak to me about the role of women too..how the 5 wives were so strong and how Elizabeth Elliot showed courage beyond anything Ive ever heard of.I have read of Ruth Graham too but yes, to loose your husband and to return and help the people who killed him...that takes enormous strength, mighty courage and unwavering faith.Anyway, that wasnt my thoughts for that night of retreat. My thoughts led me to the family members being unsaved and those closer to home that yet to hear the message about Jesus.Ive saved quite a few souls, I have even done some sort of follow up and yes...im quite skilled at sharing the gospel..but for what if your family(distant) are not saved?That wasnt my only burden for the night.Streams of thoughts flooded me about how much ive strayed from God the past week, having surrendered to the toll of workload and fatigue and emotional stress.I need to draw closer to Him now..when the problems i face are out of my hands and though i thought i have done what i think best, it is not exactly working.I'm feeling so..torn.Gosh.I just want to live the life God asks me to and for His glory.Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do because Satan attacks you the most when you are on fire for Jesus.But...everybody needs Jesus.The peoples need Jesus. They dont need christianity the religion, they just need Jesus.(quoting the guest pastor for today's mission sunday...)

This leads me to...the family again.
My parents are having cold war.Dad slept in the studying room last night.I have..however, decided to ignore them for the moment. I have my laptop now and yes...that means i'm spending a lot less time walkin about the house and instead can confine myself in my room for unperturbed peace.I'm on good terms with dad but just..hes using me as the punch bag and sometimes, i'm the only person to be subjected to his little demands which i found really quite irritating.God says though...to honor your parents..and i will.If I dont have God, i dont know what i would do sometimes.I would be..such a malicious and corrupted person.

Ive been thinking about one more thing-about single and lonely people who are looking for love and have not found it.The past week spent living with my cousin made me reflect on it.The fact is this too...no one has the gift of celebacy and everyone is commanded to marry, just that some are not so fortunate to find the one . Every girl...and I do mean it, every girl's dream(much as they dont want to admit to it, one good example being me) is to have a family and a home..to be married when they grow up.Thats the ultimate dream.God make us this way and God fills us with that need and dream too.Oh well, it's quite a surprise for myself to dwell so much on such a subject since yes, i can confidently say that i can live a life of a single if it arises to such a state.

I'll end with this song...its a beautiful yet really melancholic song.The lyrics are beautiful and so is the melody.The artiste herself too, is beautiful, for having written and sung it with such indescribable emotions...

Soulmate
Natasha Bedingfield



Incompatible, it don't matter though'
cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find
Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being toldsomebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Yes,I'm really happy my math portfolio is nicely done and over with.For once i'm truly satisified for a mathematical work.The previous HL portfolio was done in a hurry, a frenzy and a cloud of confusion overhead. So when doing the SL one for the second time(go figure), i was painfully aware of mistakes made and blunders stumbled upon during the production of the first one.I want to thank God, mr Jonas Chow, K Lim and anyone else who have helped me in the 11 hour.Oh yes, Mr Seah Kim Weng for understanding the technical difficulties.Hayz.I'm just so relieved.Really, when you have accomplished something you know is not your area of greater interest, the sense of satisfaction is double.

Yesterday was quite a day.I slept at 4.30 am and woke up at 6.30, just in time for school...again in a frenzy to just grab whatever books i needed for the day.Of course i cab...and was thankful the traffic wasnt too bad hence my in-time arrival in school.What happened for the day?If you have been a zombie then you would understand.Everything was in a blur haha.With sheer determination though i pushed through lessons and even attempted to complete the chem equilibrium worksheet in class.For the first time in a long time too i slept in almost every class.However, history never failed to interests me!Thanks to sir, haha...mr Wong tze Yong you rock.The lesson on Blitzkrieg and the causes of and origin of world war 2 was filled with animation(him doing his Churchill's speeches and demo with world war 2 planes models haha) and laughter.I think he's prolly one of the most understanding teachers around.Oh, hes really high profile.He wrote thesis es which are now given to us as notes...fancy doing a masters in war studies from..suspiciously Oxbridge...haha.Anyway, watching Pearl Harbor to understand the outbreak of world war 2 in the pacific rocks too.Hayz...I wish some other lessons could be as interesting as history or econs.Oh well.

I want to thank my mom...blah...i'm so well-fed with both food and money hehehe.I really need to do some serious accounting over my expenditure or else i would never be able to save.I want to thank her too for being really understanding hayz.I think ,she being just who she is as a role model for me is the best thing she could have done.She's a success case everybody should consider and study.There's also Sally my cousin who is staying over at our house to heal after her operation to remove a lump.I think God is really answering prayers...finally and in His beautiful time too.Shes really quite receptive to Christianity because she could see it in all of us and hopefully I would be the one to lead her to Christ...or some other way.Shes beginning to question what am i really here for and the purposes of living.Oh, i just gave her one of my nicer necklace bought online since she really likes it and i was looking for someone to give it away.It was quite symbolic, as i hold these stuff so dear to me sometimes i wonder if they really do play such a significant role in my life that i spent so much money and time for/with them.Giving that particular piece away just reaffirms my stand that materialistic things of these world are blessings from God and they are meant for a greater purposes(besides the obvious purpose of self-beautification). Oh, I have this crazy idea of matchmaking her with someone i know...hmmmm...HAHAHA.Recommendation?? Shes a lot like me haha...we find each other similar and even the struggles we have are similar, but for someone as beautiful, smart, with a such a background to be accepted and loved by someone for just who she is and not feel the pressure from the other things around her is hard. Thats why she needs God huh?

I have another wild idea of matchmaking charles ng with my sister.I think they would actually find each other compatible since hes so up there and shes really simple-minded and carefree.They would balance each other out haha..the equation of love needs balancing too eh?Oh, it's my mom's original idea actually, so yes, i'm crediting her haha.

Yesterday mugging session with Sheila was very cool too.She helped me with so much for chem i'm really quite thankful and felt quite bad i couldnt help much with her mugging for GP test..but to sympathise.Oh well, I recommended her to read "the world is flat" by someone friedman haha.RJ students read this, so should she.Oh yes, I had corn soup again (we were occupying a table in mos for a really long time, paying a rental fee of a cup of hot tea haha).

Now that my workload is a bit less crazy, yes the keyword being a bit, i'm thinking of the other more exciting stuff,like teachers' day, BB retreat, day out with the gals of 5.15 and SYC's concert.Ok...i should seriously start work so i can maximise my slacking time later writing cards and notes for teachers haha.Oh yeah, theres plan to send emails out to ER com too for a meeting during the retreat to finalise motto, objectives and slogan for the com.Oh man, ER is an exciting place, thanks to God and His wonders.

On the even more positive note, i'll BAKE!Ok, i'm determined to bake some cookies and brownies and bring them to retreat.Ill see if i can squeeze apple pie in.I havent done it for ages haha...

Trash is called trash.Rubbish and trash are different.I'll do another trashing...trashing part 1 was relatively positive.Shall I go all out and be the extremist this time round?Maybe and maybe not.Once again, my typing ability doesnt really seem to prove itself that it can catch up to my thoughts.Whatever it is, i'll trash.Darn it.Ive not blogged for a few days.i dont exactly have a human bunch bag somewhere and i dont think my parents are tolerant enough to subject themselves to such rubbish.Either way, maybe the rubbish contains more valuable stuff that some people(or rather myself) think.Aha, we'll see.Lets do it in chronological order.Oh yes, Math portfolio is at stake whilst this entry is in production.Whatever man, i have....ok, yes, math portfolio will be one of the trash.Lets go.

• Work-DARN!I have backlogging and yeah, sometimes i ask myself why i cant be a bit, yes just a bit smarter so i can clear all my work like eistein.Wait, to be more specific,i need a male brain man. I need to learn to focus on one task and one task only and not to multi task so much.And wait, there were distractions like my cousins talking/gossiping and the food and the dunnowat and the fatigue that came from all the stupid things during the week which were mostly work-related stuff of cuz.Wait, yes, keyword being mostly.Go figure.The family has to be the stupid distraction too eh.But yes, I thank Mom for being superb mom and her generosity in buying cheesecake and all the food i need.I would rather she can help me to plan and organise my stuff sometimes.But then yes, i'm 18 and i should start proving to my parents/preparing for post-IB life that i can so go overseas and stay on my own.the most is i would miss them much and call home.Survivor instinct exists in everyone of us.Period.
• Screwed up numbering function by blogger/google.It shows again Microsoft is still pro at this stuff.And again why google or SOMEONE should stop google from owning everything.They own 50% of the info out there and hence 50% of research mat online belongs to them.Darn.Monopoly eh?Almost.(60% and above to be classified monopoly)
• Math portfolio SL-I'm sorry i was so mean to the SL people by going into their class declaring i would own.Well when i said so i do mean i would own the guys aha.But yeah, it takes me sometimes to find my perimeter and get settled down into the class with a much different atmosphere and individuals of very different degree of motivation for math.Why did i do math HL?I was being very practical.I thought of law school and wherever i would apply to.I thought too then of the combis ive asked around from different people on the surface of earth doing IB.Their combis show great balance.For example, Jeff Tai pres of general assembly of THIMUN 2005, student of International school of Beijing-a freaking brilliant guy-his combi was : Chem English...Econs(HL).It tells me you need different subjects to show your ability.Yes, Thats why i chose econs hist math.It shows i could do humanities and also math at the same time.My brain is not too loft-sided and i have more than just one talent.And oh, of course, the pure fact i could do math, the confidence gained from the 2 A1s in O level.It shows my ability.But of course, i lacked the most important requirement, passion.I have none of it.I need it.I wanted Wharton.I wanted UPENN. I need to know how to do math.Period.Now, back to the portfolio.It looks like a joke next to the HL one.Sorry, but yes it does.I empathise with HL people because its ALOT more difficult.And i now empathise with the SL people who are still having not much of a clue how it should be done.Actually, they are so much more fortunate, they have the HL people like me and many of their friends who wouldnt mind much to tell them some basic facts they need to know about doing a portfolio.I'm being well, complacent i suppose.But heck it, i did it before.I suffered and learnt.I better learn eh?My understanding of math increases after the math portfolio.So yes, its a good learning experience.
• Bethany-Lets skip first part of parade since i have not much to say about it except for some people seriously need to put what they learn into use and need to learn how to imitate others and learn.Drill exam marking was a mess thanks to poor organisation.But yes, people need to be given a chance to learn.I was thankful i was out of it, doing my very dear math portfolio and was greatly entertained by all the commotion that was going on, albeit being affected by very little.yes bethany, I met Tan Lifeng.I think we are again, similar people.Ok, i could see myself in her, which is the better part of it.All the very similar characteristics i can see in front of my eyes through another person.not bad.The bad part?Shes well ,another lynette tan.Another triple science student and another debator and another MGS girl.Shes brilliant, and so she should be.Its not like ive not met brilliant people.What really pissed me off was generalisation statements made without even a thought for others.It shows she might not have done literature, does little of counselling, or too much of natural science, or too up there to think about the people down here, or..simply..out of touch with girls our age who actually are not from the A level mentality system of education and whatever the gov has infused the students with...It shows too, she might be quite fortunate/unfortunate to not have met girls from other schools beside ahem the usual so-called high class schools.Wonderful.Hmm on the second note, shes prettier than pictures.She speaks good english too.
• The emo part of bethany- i miss my grandfather.i miss him a lot.I miss my aunt too.I see them in the folks/friends i met-again and new after a long time.I see the scenes of Glenseagles/Mount E in front of my eyes.I see too my aunt's face at the airport that day, my own face pressed against the class door waiving her farawell, never to see her again alive or death.I was absent during both funerals.I miss them so much. They would understand what i go through.I pray God, they are with you in heaven.Such people dont deserve hell.God, they dont.
• I might volunteer back to bethany, not that i need any more cas hours or it would help with application to law school but it might.Its so much more meaningful than doing some work at a law firm.We'll see.And then of course, its under ER, of which now i'm the unofficial boss.Good enough, i can do something about it...ER COM needs to meet pretty soon.
• I hate it that i cry. I still hate it even more when people see my cry, especially guys.I hate it man.They need Girls school 101 or First Aid lesson for Boys school.Wonderful, this idea has been floating in my mind for sometime..with enough support from the girls, the captain(which i will lobby for), it might be an idea for a drafted proposal/resolution. Petrina and Amanda both agree to it.More support, yep.

Ok, dinner beckons since i need food to sustain me through the night.I'm pissed off because of the fundamental being shaky again.I have so much bitterness.Today devotion on the bus led me back to Psalms 37:.... where i was told not to fret and let not anger and evil thoughts infiltrate the mind of a person because it could lead to harmful actions deemed disobedient to God.I will let it out more...pray more...and yes...come to Him more...this needs to go.

I'm holding on.for wat.i asked God again.Thank God for sheila, see you tmr.I cant wait to meet nic..again...But before that can be realised, i need to do my math portfolio.Ok.Chao.

This is so hard
I want to give up
I want to run
Why??? GOD WHYYYY
Tears brimming in my eyes
The smiles
Can you see they are there to hide the tears
Every step of this life
Treacherous
Nails...thorns
Why God why???
Too little too late
What am I supposed to do?
I cant...run...
I hate to disappoint people
and i think
i will
disappoint
a lot of people
I am
sorry
a million times
sorry
a thousands more times
thank you
God
You
indeed
never fail.

Such depressing thoughts-yet-work -some-has been done

1. Chem pract 11-done
2. Chem pract 10-almost there
3. Chem pract 9-let's pretend i didnt do it-and indeed i didnt
4. Chem pract 12-methodology left...should do NOW
5. French-cleared
6. English-IOP-a lot more time
7. English-Hedda-time to finish it
8. Math-Portfolio-i should start
9. Econs IA-need more time....Feeling really bad bad
10. Tutorial econs-By sat
11. TOK-not now
12. EE-thank you Kenneth Lim-you sux but yeah, whatever man.Charles Ng's knowledge and resources should be exploited.I feel darn evil now.