Time to fly

Goodbye, my friends

2007-09-05T20:27:00.000+08:00

104th Post
4 years
thousands and thousands of words
Endless streams of thoughts
Immeasurable depth of emotions
millions drops of tears
Overflowing Grace
A contrite heart
A lightened soul
A humble bow
thank you

Sorry love daddy

2007-09-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

Do you know why mom and dad are like that?
I dont care
What?
Its their business.I dont need to know
Dont u think u should know?
For what..what can i do about it if i know? I know too much.thats the problem.

Mel, i wish i have your simple-mindedness sometimes.I wish you were the only one born to this world.You love them both.What about how i feel?I laugh a lot eh?I joke all the time. I act as if i'm nonchalant, as if im made of steel, lacking all emotions.I'm selfish too eh?For asking what i really need?Go ahead...Since when were you there when i need someone most?Since when did anyone really understand

I'm sick of this.I did what i could.What did you say do you remember.A happy family?A loving family.Please try harder.Do you even know the definition of such a term?Do you remember the hug?I do.Your apologies i took, for what now..i'm throwing them to the wind.Happy memories i'm trying hard to recall.They are rare.Whos the selfish one here i want to ask.Whos the one who needs to see the light?I'm sorry she loves me.I'm sorry i'm here.I'm sorry i came too.I'm so sorry i exist.Too bad my existence isnt a choice for me to make.I think too much.I'm sorry too i feel more than her.I think you wont shed a tear if i die now.You will because it causes tremendous pain to someone else.Whos the victim?We both are.Who had the choice?you. The choice to love, to pick me here, to devote a bit more time to realise i'm suffering...since day 1.Dont u remember?I do.I cried that afternoon.I was 11.The date? 11/12/1999.I shut my world.Is it her faut?yes.The mistake.One mistake.Mel.Bless her.Shes more obedient and loving than me.Curse me.I'm stronger than her.I'm smarter too.Curse my brain.

Go.Go back.Leave the cash.Leave the money.find your desired peace.Did you seek God?I hope you do.Pride.You have too much of it.Tolerance, I have a lot of it too.You too.But what now?I feel.I have a purpose to fulfill, a life to lead, work to do, responsibilities to fulfill...if you think you understand me, try reading my mind.

This blog...needs to be shut down.It seems like ive said this quite a few times.This time.for real.I'm using livejournal for good.And this time.No one should know the address.I know my hormones have a part to play for me to feel this way but.i need to stop crying.i'll slap myself the next time i shed a tear.I have mastered reverting tears back.Now what.I dont need this.Dont come near me.The horrible,the unloveable.the untouchable too.maybe thats how it should be.

God.I know You are near.I know you are carrying me.But.this is hard.I need to move Lord.I really need a miracle.An ordinary miracle too.I didnt ask for much.Just...just...

Sarah McLachlan-Ordinary Miracle

2007-09-04T02:18:00.001+08:00

best of today's musical spices

Musical spices

2007-09-04T01:22:00.000+08:00

If you are looking for music...

Umbrella-Mandy Moore

Heal the world-Michael Jackson

Heal The World Lyrics

THE BEST OUT OF ALL TODAY'S MUSICAL SPICES

What If God Was One Of Us Lyrics

Hmmm the last song...is quite...questionable in the sense if it was for or against Christianity.But you know what, it makes a lot of sense and it just puts the cry of so many people out there into a song.

You know what, you dont need to listen to christian music 24/7 to tell the world you are righteous.Whats wrong with secular music anyway if they are soul-soothing???We are humans for goodness' sake.So yes, to me, any music that is soul-soothing in lyrics/melody/beat/all mentioned before is worth a try and will be entitled a space in my Ipod.

I'm selective about stuff i'm listening to now but stuff like Britney spears reflect my growth too.I grew up listening to those...just as i grew up idolising Justin Timberlake hahaha.He's a really good musician(2 grammys to his name and really good performer in the sense hes so professional) and what he does with his life...is really his to make out of.Its not easy being in the music industry.And his family kinda have some parallel to mine although his dad is actually a pastor. Mandy moore too...we actually have quite similar music taste haha! (rachael yamagata and a bunch of others less known artistes).Whats my point?Music transcend cultures, race, geographical distance.(Crediting Our journey here...)

I should seriously put links to my blog.Why? so that people who do chance upon this blog(yes yes, advance google search christine lek leads you here), shall find other blogs that are more interesting and will GET OUT of this.haha...
In the meantime, I'm spicing it with music and loads of other stuff i have never done before.Technology is not bad thing.Its how you use it that makes the difference. Rachel and I's TOK topic is the ethics of piracy and file-sharing-wonderful topic eh?I have so many ideas for the presentation already.However, now now, there is a risk putting it up here since people can steal it and do a better job.Whatever it is man, we are...ones of the top few female singers in the school (self-declared but give us the credits-we so deserve it) so whatever it is again, our PPT WILL ROCK.

Laughters amidst the rain

2007-09-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

Today...ROCKS
I had fun.
Thank you all the gals of 5.15 except for Jeanette whose circumstances forbade her from getting out of the house. WE WANT TO KILL YOU.We shall stage another investigation for the best dress for Jeanette soon.You wait gal, haha...no escaping =P
Thank GoD...we had fun knowing You are with us.
Thank the producers and actors and everyone who helped produce Borne:Ultimatum-the best out of 3.Best script, best story, best acting, best cinematographic features, best photography and best directing too...weee...Check it out man.I'm really indeed satisfied with the ending of the Borne series.
Thank God for vivocity- for the guys who came and well, got suaned and well, i hope you had fun being suaned man haha..
I really believe our favourite pastime is suaning guys wahaha.Have some courage before coming to our table eh? but then you all are so used to it/trained by now haha.Its good training for future endeavors =D
Oh I absolutely love my laptop.I can work anywhere now-even in MOS cos i can actually access internet from there.
Lluvia-Cant wait man.SYC ENSEMBLE SINGERS IN ACTION =D
SGB- oh man...i'm in it.External relations representative.I hope i didnt land myself into another mess...but oh well..AS God guides.I did pray about it...and oh well God, You will have to REALLY take control!!!

Okiee...I dont feel like blogging anymore. SONGS PLEASE...(and here they are)

My overplayed songs so far:
1)Soulmate- Natasha Bedingfield
2)All corrinne May stuff
3)Umbrella-Mandy moore version
4)Clockwatching-Jason Mraz
5)God of wonders
6)From the inside out
....
..
.

MORE SONGS NEEDED!

Wanderland

2007-09-02T22:29:00.000+08:00

I have no idea why i titled my post as such but yeah...it was another random thought.

I have quite a lot on my mind these past few days yet i refrain from blogging every time.Hoa has a point.You should blog more when you are happy and dont blog when you are feeling kinda blue and depressed because then you can read the happier entries when you are down haha. The blog then should just record more positive stuff so you can read them when you are not very cheery.

Shall i recount events? I have so many in my head i dont know where to begin.Lets start with retreat. Since its still at the back of my mind and i have quite vivid memories of it for the moment.

Okkayy..thats it.Lets just recount whatever that comes to my mind.

Teachers' Day
I was almost zombified coming to school, having slept at about 2 am the night before despite my attempt to sleep earlier.Well, I was on MSN, making cards, looking through stuff and finally just browsing Facebook.Yeah, okay, facebook is a lot better than friendster haha but my attitude towards this kinda network thing doesnt really change. I joined friendster thanks to mr sin ming wei's persuasion dunno how long back and now i joined facebook cos of Dung.I guess i just joined to keep in touch with people and know what they are doing.For example, Ms Goh Wee Suan was added to my list on facebook by well...some reason unknown to me.Its nice to see her doing well in St Andrews though, and its even nicer to know shes engaged hahaha.Anyway back to Teachers' Day, I wrote a bunch of cards for the male teachers and brought 3 really beautiful roses for the female teachers. The entire day was spent...walking(ACES day)-i have no idea whats the use of the so long walk...and honestly, its quite useless in terms of reminding us to keep fit...but i guess it provides opportunity for everyone to just talk and hang out with their classes and teachers.I stuck with Alyssha and abandoned 5.15 since most of the girls were somewhere(Eryn and Rach choir, Jeanette conveniently ponned it) and Denise is ever so comfortable with the guys-not that I am not, but for the moment, i need to get away from them.Alyssha and i just talked and reminisced a lot about Crescent- how ACES day was spent dancing and teaching each other mass dance and how the walk reminded us of the mass run back then.Oh well...The concert was really extravagant and i thought it was good stuff too though it ended quite abruptly.It was very different from how Crescent celebrated it.I guess attended it to know the atmosphere of of teachers day in a boys school.I love the videos though haha.Michael Buble stuff too....and of course, Butler's video starring butler and prolly directed by Butler.

I didnt go back to crescent-cos ive been coming back so often.but yes, Mdm ting will get her coffee(so long overdue), ms goh will get her earrings and mr m and mr ravi their russian dolls i owed so long back.

Went out with nic and sheila after that at suntec to watch a really lousy movie called the legion.Please dont even bother watching it.I have no idea why we were, oh yes because rush hour was sold out and the rest of the shows were too late.I was quite zonked going there, and fell asleep for a few moments since the movie just yawns "boorrriinnngg."

Retreat
I shall go into the emo part of it.Since thats the part i want to blog about anyway.
God came...for everyone else but me i guess.I couldnt cry any tears or did i feel God was really there for me.I just couldnt feel His presence in the way i felt during LDC or in mid June or when the family crisis happened.The message too didnt get to me.I knew about Jimmy Elliot through the musical "love above all." It was a lot more touching watching it i guess. I remember the musical let God speak to me about the role of women too..how the 5 wives were so strong and how Elizabeth Elliot showed courage beyond anything Ive ever heard of.I have read of Ruth Graham too but yes, to loose your husband and to return and help the people who killed him...that takes enormous strength, mighty courage and unwavering faith.Anyway, that wasnt my thoughts for that night of retreat. My thoughts led me to the family members being unsaved and those closer to home that yet to hear the message about Jesus.Ive saved quite a few souls, I have even done some sort of follow up and yes...im quite skilled at sharing the gospel..but for what if your family(distant) are not saved?That wasnt my only burden for the night.Streams of thoughts flooded me about how much ive strayed from God the past week, having surrendered to the toll of workload and fatigue and emotional stress.I need to draw closer to Him now..when the problems i face are out of my hands and though i thought i have done what i think best, it is not exactly working.I'm feeling so..torn.Gosh.I just want to live the life God asks me to and for His glory.Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do because Satan attacks you the most when you are on fire for Jesus.But...everybody needs Jesus.The peoples need Jesus. They dont need christianity the religion, they just need Jesus.(quoting the guest pastor for today's mission sunday...)

This leads me to...the family again.
My parents are having cold war.Dad slept in the studying room last night.I have..however, decided to ignore them for the moment. I have my laptop now and yes...that means i'm spending a lot less time walkin about the house and instead can confine myself in my room for unperturbed peace.I'm on good terms with dad but just..hes using me as the punch bag and sometimes, i'm the only person to be subjected to his little demands which i found really quite irritating.God says though...to honor your parents..and i will.If I dont have God, i dont know what i would do sometimes.I would be..such a malicious and corrupted person.

Ive been thinking about one more thing-about single and lonely people who are looking for love and have not found it.The past week spent living with my cousin made me reflect on it.The fact is this too...no one has the gift of celebacy and everyone is commanded to marry, just that some are not so fortunate to find the one . Every girl...and I do mean it, every girl's dream(much as they dont want to admit to it, one good example being me) is to have a family and a home..to be married when they grow up.Thats the ultimate dream.God make us this way and God fills us with that need and dream too.Oh well, it's quite a surprise for myself to dwell so much on such a subject since yes, i can confidently say that i can live a life of a single if it arises to such a state.

I'll end with this song...its a beautiful yet really melancholic song.The lyrics are beautiful and so is the melody.The artiste herself too, is beautiful, for having written and sung it with such indescribable emotions...

Soulmate
Natasha Bedingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though'
cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find
Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being toldsomebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Polio Folio Cheerios!

2007-08-29T16:22:00.000+08:00

Yes,I'm really happy my math portfolio is nicely done and over with.For once i'm truly satisified for a mathematical work.The previous HL portfolio was done in a hurry, a frenzy and a cloud of confusion overhead. So when doing the SL one for the second time(go figure), i was painfully aware of mistakes made and blunders stumbled upon during the production of the first one.I want to thank God, mr Jonas Chow, K Lim and anyone else who have helped me in the 11 hour.Oh yes, Mr Seah Kim Weng for understanding the technical difficulties.Hayz.I'm just so relieved.Really, when you have accomplished something you know is not your area of greater interest, the sense of satisfaction is double.

Yesterday was quite a day.I slept at 4.30 am and woke up at 6.30, just in time for school...again in a frenzy to just grab whatever books i needed for the day.Of course i cab...and was thankful the traffic wasnt too bad hence my in-time arrival in school.What happened for the day?If you have been a zombie then you would understand.Everything was in a blur haha.With sheer determination though i pushed through lessons and even attempted to complete the chem equilibrium worksheet in class.For the first time in a long time too i slept in almost every class.However, history never failed to interests me!Thanks to sir, haha...mr Wong tze Yong you rock.The lesson on Blitzkrieg and the causes of and origin of world war 2 was filled with animation(him doing his Churchill's speeches and demo with world war 2 planes models haha) and laughter.I think he's prolly one of the most understanding teachers around.Oh, hes really high profile.He wrote thesis es which are now given to us as notes...fancy doing a masters in war studies from..suspiciously Oxbridge...haha.Anyway, watching Pearl Harbor to understand the outbreak of world war 2 in the pacific rocks too.Hayz...I wish some other lessons could be as interesting as history or econs.Oh well.

I want to thank my mom...blah...i'm so well-fed with both food and money hehehe.I really need to do some serious accounting over my expenditure or else i would never be able to save.I want to thank her too for being really understanding hayz.I think ,she being just who she is as a role model for me is the best thing she could have done.She's a success case everybody should consider and study.There's also Sally my cousin who is staying over at our house to heal after her operation to remove a lump.I think God is really answering prayers...finally and in His beautiful time too.Shes really quite receptive to Christianity because she could see it in all of us and hopefully I would be the one to lead her to Christ...or some other way.Shes beginning to question what am i really here for and the purposes of living.Oh, i just gave her one of my nicer necklace bought online since she really likes it and i was looking for someone to give it away.It was quite symbolic, as i hold these stuff so dear to me sometimes i wonder if they really do play such a significant role in my life that i spent so much money and time for/with them.Giving that particular piece away just reaffirms my stand that materialistic things of these world are blessings from God and they are meant for a greater purposes(besides the obvious purpose of self-beautification). Oh, I have this crazy idea of matchmaking her with someone i know...hmmmm...HAHAHA.Recommendation?? Shes a lot like me haha...we find each other similar and even the struggles we have are similar, but for someone as beautiful, smart, with a such a background to be accepted and loved by someone for just who she is and not feel the pressure from the other things around her is hard. Thats why she needs God huh?

I have another wild idea of matchmaking charles ng with my sister.I think they would actually find each other compatible since hes so up there and shes really simple-minded and carefree.They would balance each other out haha..the equation of love needs balancing too eh?Oh, it's my mom's original idea actually, so yes, i'm crediting her haha.

Yesterday mugging session with Sheila was very cool too.She helped me with so much for chem i'm really quite thankful and felt quite bad i couldnt help much with her mugging for GP test..but to sympathise.Oh well, I recommended her to read "the world is flat" by someone friedman haha.RJ students read this, so should she.Oh yes, I had corn soup again (we were occupying a table in mos for a really long time, paying a rental fee of a cup of hot tea haha).

Now that my workload is a bit less crazy, yes the keyword being a bit, i'm thinking of the other more exciting stuff,like teachers' day, BB retreat, day out with the gals of 5.15 and SYC's concert.Ok...i should seriously start work so i can maximise my slacking time later writing cards and notes for teachers haha.Oh yeah, theres plan to send emails out to ER com too for a meeting during the retreat to finalise motto, objectives and slogan for the com.Oh man, ER is an exciting place, thanks to God and His wonders.

On the even more positive note, i'll BAKE!Ok, i'm determined to bake some cookies and brownies and bring them to retreat.Ill see if i can squeeze apple pie in.I havent done it for ages haha...

Trashing part 2

2007-08-25T19:22:00.000+08:00

Trash is called trash.Rubbish and trash are different.I'll do another trashing...trashing part 1 was relatively positive.Shall I go all out and be the extremist this time round?Maybe and maybe not.Once again, my typing ability doesnt really seem to prove itself that it can catch up to my thoughts.Whatever it is, i'll trash.Darn it.Ive not blogged for a few days.i dont exactly have a human bunch bag somewhere and i dont think my parents are tolerant enough to subject themselves to such rubbish.Either way, maybe the rubbish contains more valuable stuff that some people(or rather myself) think.Aha, we'll see.Lets do it in chronological order.Oh yes, Math portfolio is at stake whilst this entry is in production.Whatever man, i have....ok, yes, math portfolio will be one of the trash.Lets go.

Work-DARN!I have backlogging and yeah, sometimes i ask myself why i cant be a bit, yes just a bit smarter so i can clear all my work like eistein.Wait, to be more specific,i need a male brain man. I need to learn to focus on one task and one task only and not to multi task so much.And wait, there were distractions like my cousins talking/gossiping and the food and the dunnowat and the fatigue that came from all the stupid things during the week which were mostly work-related stuff of cuz.Wait, yes, keyword being mostly.Go figure.The family has to be the stupid distraction too eh.But yes, I thank Mom for being superb mom and her generosity in buying cheesecake and all the food i need.I would rather she can help me to plan and organise my stuff sometimes.But then yes, i'm 18 and i should start proving to my parents/preparing for post-IB life that i can so go overseas and stay on my own.the most is i would miss them much and call home.Survivor instinct exists in everyone of us.Period.
Screwed up numbering function by blogger/google.It shows again Microsoft is still pro at this stuff.And again why google or SOMEONE should stop google from owning everything.They own 50% of the info out there and hence 50% of research mat online belongs to them.Darn.Monopoly eh?Almost.(60% and above to be classified monopoly)
Math portfolio SL-I'm sorry i was so mean to the SL people by going into their class declaring i would own.Well when i said so i do mean i would own the guys aha.But yeah, it takes me sometimes to find my perimeter and get settled down into the class with a much different atmosphere and individuals of very different degree of motivation for math.Why did i do math HL?I was being very practical.I thought of law school and wherever i would apply to.I thought too then of the combis ive asked around from different people on the surface of earth doing IB.Their combis show great balance.For example, Jeff Tai pres of general assembly of THIMUN 2005, student of International school of Beijing-a freaking brilliant guy-his combi was : Chem English...Econs(HL).It tells me you need different subjects to show your ability.Yes, Thats why i chose econs hist math.It shows i could do humanities and also math at the same time.My brain is not too loft-sided and i have more than just one talent.And oh, of course, the pure fact i could do math, the confidence gained from the 2 A1s in O level.It shows my ability.But of course, i lacked the most important requirement, passion.I have none of it.I need it.I wanted Wharton.I wanted UPENN. I need to know how to do math.Period.Now, back to the portfolio.It looks like a joke next to the HL one.Sorry, but yes it does.I empathise with HL people because its ALOT more difficult.And i now empathise with the SL people who are still having not much of a clue how it should be done.Actually, they are so much more fortunate, they have the HL people like me and many of their friends who wouldnt mind much to tell them some basic facts they need to know about doing a portfolio.I'm being well, complacent i suppose.But heck it, i did it before.I suffered and learnt.I better learn eh?My understanding of math increases after the math portfolio.So yes, its a good learning experience.
Bethany-Lets skip first part of parade since i have not much to say about it except for some people seriously need to put what they learn into use and need to learn how to imitate others and learn.Drill exam marking was a mess thanks to poor organisation.But yes, people need to be given a chance to learn.I was thankful i was out of it, doing my very dear math portfolio and was greatly entertained by all the commotion that was going on, albeit being affected by very little.yes bethany, I met Tan Lifeng.I think we are again, similar people.Ok, i could see myself in her, which is the better part of it.All the very similar characteristics i can see in front of my eyes through another person.not bad.The bad part?Shes well ,another lynette tan.Another triple science student and another debator and another MGS girl.Shes brilliant, and so she should be.Its not like ive not met brilliant people.What really pissed me off was generalisation statements made without even a thought for others.It shows she might not have done literature, does little of counselling, or too much of natural science, or too up there to think about the people down here, or..simply..out of touch with girls our age who actually are not from the A level mentality system of education and whatever the gov has infused the students with...It shows too, she might be quite fortunate/unfortunate to not have met girls from other schools beside ahem the usual so-called high class schools.Wonderful.Hmm on the second note, shes prettier than pictures.She speaks good english too.
The emo part of bethany- i miss my grandfather.i miss him a lot.I miss my aunt too.I see them in the folks/friends i met-again and new after a long time.I see the scenes of Glenseagles/Mount E in front of my eyes.I see too my aunt's face at the airport that day, my own face pressed against the class door waiving her farawell, never to see her again alive or death.I was absent during both funerals.I miss them so much. They would understand what i go through.I pray God, they are with you in heaven.Such people dont deserve hell.God, they dont.
I might volunteer back to bethany, not that i need any more cas hours or it would help with application to law school but it might.Its so much more meaningful than doing some work at a law firm.We'll see.And then of course, its under ER, of which now i'm the unofficial boss.Good enough, i can do something about it...ER COM needs to meet pretty soon.
I hate it that i cry. I still hate it even more when people see my cry, especially guys.I hate it man.They need Girls school 101 or First Aid lesson for Boys school.Wonderful, this idea has been floating in my mind for sometime..with enough support from the girls, the captain(which i will lobby for), it might be an idea for a drafted proposal/resolution. Petrina and Amanda both agree to it.More support, yep.

Ok, dinner beckons since i need food to sustain me through the night.I'm pissed off because of the fundamental being shaky again.I have so much bitterness.Today devotion on the bus led me back to Psalms 37:.... where i was told not to fret and let not anger and evil thoughts infiltrate the mind of a person because it could lead to harmful actions deemed disobedient to God.I will let it out more...pray more...and yes...come to Him more...this needs to go.

I'm holding on.for wat.i asked God again.Thank God for sheila, see you tmr.I cant wait to meet nic..again...But before that can be realised, i need to do my math portfolio.Ok.Chao.

Keep holding on

2007-08-23T23:34:00.000+08:00

This is so hard
I want to give up
I want to run
Why??? GOD WHYYYY
Tears brimming in my eyes
The smiles
Can you see they are there to hide the tears
Every step of this life
Treacherous
Nails...thorns
Why God why???
Too little too late
What am I supposed to do?
I cant...run...
I hate to disappoint people
and i think
i will
disappoint
a lot of people
I am
sorry
a million times
sorry
a thousands more times
thank you
God
You
indeed
never fail.

Such depressing thoughts-yet-work -some-has been done

Chem pract 11-done
Chem pract 10-almost there
Chem pract 9-let's pretend i didnt do it-and indeed i didnt
Chem pract 12-methodology left...should do NOW
French-cleared
English-IOP-a lot more time
English-Hedda-time to finish it
Math-Portfolio-i should start
Econs IA-need more time....Feeling really bad bad
Tutorial econs-By sat
TOK-not now
EE-thank you Kenneth Lim-you sux but yeah, whatever man.Charles Ng's knowledge and resources should be exploited.I feel darn evil now.

Chemified

2007-08-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

I wanted to blog but the realisation that i didnt do QT yesterday and the high possiblity of me skipping it today given further delay have successfully persuaded me to go and do my QT now haha.

Random facts first which take less than 3 mins to type hence still permissible/forgivable
I died during chem test-again
I was doing 2 practs, econs IA, reading history and listening to music, talking to people on msn at the same time yesterday HAHA-Girls can multi-task
Today we had fish...and veggie...and..more fish for dinner.Of course there was rice...
I ate 3 meals so far, one more meal to come-avocado mix and my dear wonderful cheesecake
Lifehouse rocks-Thanks to Rachel Chu and Adriel Leong for sharing their resources.
Mdm Runima needs prayers and healing-pls pray pray pray.I'll sms her tonight
2 days to Dung's departure
I should try to get better acquainted with my phone
I dont own Sl math period.But a girl does. HAHAHA.

OKie..i'm high...but i have alot of work to clear as well...

list of work:

All 3 chem practs (half way through for all 3)
Econs IA(finished intro...know exactly what to write..just the matter of phrasing)
Pract planning-need to write out the methodology
SL math-portfolio-HAHAHA...i shall reserve the fun to the weekend..lol...honestly...i have no idea how fun it would be.but it sure cant beat the HL one!
History-Tonnes of notes to dig through-world war 1
Econs-tutorial DBQ-whack it later in the morning..hehe..

Paranoia

2007-08-21T16:41:00.000+08:00

In the midst of a high range of homework, fatigue and all other types of problems, i still the urge to blog.I have a lot less my mind these days, the fundamental blockage finally cleared, but yeah, now that its cleared, a new set of problems just have to arrive.On time, on task too.Life, is...interesting.

My brain is deep fried right now blah.I realise one actually need concentration and some sense of focus even for blogging.Ok...i'll just let my thoughts pour themselves out here without me trying to control them and see how it goes...Ive held a lot of thoughts inside my head these few days...and yeah,I cant stand them anymore.I really couldnt tell many people, and i realise people would find me weird/paranoid/self-centered if i do tell them.The few whom i could confine in, i thank you haha.

School-Yeah, my life revolves around it. what else is new.Yesterday though, was quite a day to remember.Despite my determination to reserve the thoughts/anxiety/excitement?? to the end of the day, i thought about it now and then during school hours.I'm normally quite focused when it comes to lesson time.History was emotional since we're doing the impacts of world war 1 by watching documentaries and through discussions...a lot of emotions and of course, all the things you associate war with but a lot more too.Econs-watched Commanding Hights which is prolly the most interesting educational documentary ive watched so far in the year..(ok, rise to evil for hitler was really cool stuff to).Anyway it was like as Ying Hao said, a HL History/Econs documentary.To see all the events of the 20th century coming together in the context of history and econs was really fascinating.However, the class..about 80% were sleeping through it, cos it was in the afternoon and well, people were zonked...so was i but yeah man, i was too interested to fall asleep haha. Anyway, where was i, yes, the thoughts...oh yes, it was about the officers' visit of course. I had no idea how it would turn out, but well, it sure didnt turn out the way i expected.Dinner(which was nothing really special but still the standard fish,meet a lot of veggie and other stuff) and wine were not exactly what i had in mind when they came.Anyway, they chatted over dinner and i was just stoning there, minding my own business by reading my book, occasionally talked as required and as i felt there was a need to.Man, Charles definitely managed to awe my parents, of course, with his acad achievements and also of the fact he looks so much more mature than my sister of the same age.Mrs lui was well, te lifesaver for me, thanks alot mrs Lui. i wont elaborate.Anyway, the 2 hour conversation went into a lot of directions but about the main thing, which was my well-being and acad concerns.Whatever that implies and indicate to the 2 of them about my family i would not want to know, but it indicates a lot of things about my parents to me.I think, i love them because God asks me to and i want to be obedient to Him.I love them because, for mom, the natural bond by blood and for my dad, out of gratitude...to me, its sad, it's...disappointing, but yeah, thats just the way it is.

More school matters.Sometimes, i have no idea what i do wrong.Sometimes I look around and wonder what people really think of me.Then again, i dont think i would want to know.There is so much entropy in almost every class.It takes determination, some sense of perseverence, a lot of diplomatic skills and focus to scrape through them.Econs has become my favourite now, thanks to the people around and to Mr James Ong.Thanks to the subject being so interesting too.At least, there are about 10 girls around. In times like this i want to thank the people of 5.15, especially the girls, although ahem, today, i was again the source of entertainment.

Okay , i have a lot of work but yeah, haha this is really happy problem now.I'm so on about all of them that now, the only think i ask God for is more energy.Sometimes i wish i could be a machine heh.Just sometimes.

Lastly, this is to Sheila dearie.
Love must be tough .
Let God take control and live for Him only
Love Him first and love Him the most
It's not easy but if it is, then it's not worth it
Let go and let God...yeah...overused phrase but i must use it again.
Things will work out in His time =)
To be honest, I too, wouldnt want to hold on
But I cant run...i have to face it and go through it
God, Sheila, has a purpose for everything He makes us go through.Take comfort yeah?

I'm blogging so freely again...why?I think i'm just being paranoid about people reading my blog.Because, i hope/believe/realise...the audience to this blog is smaller than i imagined it to be.But maybe....im wrong.

Taming the tongue

2007-08-19T21:56:00.000+08:00

After being so unproductive for about 2 hours, ive decided to do something more productive-blogging =)(ok , its reflection so yeah, it is something important too eh...)haha lame excuse

Anyway, the entire of last week was really depressing...thanks to the hormones and to the weather and well, to the moods of things. I'm not really complaining about the weather haha, since the rain and i are bestfriends, maybe even closer than that.I love it man. I've never fallen sick walking/running in the rain...not that i remember i suppose.Haha...on the contrary, i feel really refreshed, recharged and cool walking in the rain.It loves me man.It will never harm me =). Seriously, its therapeutic.

The one thing that is bothering me is my use of my tongue.Today's sermon couldnt be any more appropriate and rebuking. James 3... the most critical expression of the usage of the tongue...and how we shoud control it and use it properly, and how that too, is not equal to speaking less.Nourishing words to the soul we should practise to speak, pleasant words to encourage and compliment we need to use more and words to rebuke that last a lifetime we should learn to put across. Words too, are the indicatives of our hearts...

I have the gift of the gab...or so i believe.But it was not a natural occurance.I was trained, and was given the opportunity to be trained.Anyway, i just like to talk.Ok...i like to entertain people to so that explains it.The last week bothers me alot.I think, i use words sometimes too carelessly and dont really guard my lips.(the one who guards his lips guards his life-Proverbs..something)Hmm quick to listen, slow to speak...i really must remember this.Why?I will remember yerterday's worship for long time to come. The origins and events that led to that particular moment have to be accounted for.I dont have time to narrate it here but to summarise it, i was complacent. Or maybe, emotions were at fault heh.

Anyhow, i learnt.And yeah, i shall use my lips more discerningly too since i'm mentoring so many people its quite scary.I've voluntarily taken up the mentorship of a few juniors in Crescent.Coming there to guide them with their oral was really quite an experience.I realise i can teach quite well and have the power to persuade as well, of which i really need to be careful of the usage of such gifts..since it being utilised unrighteously could bring about devastating consequences. Anyway, now i'm volunteering back there every friday to help with history and most of the humanities since i'm really quite pro at them haha.I was actually tutoring michelle, sheila's sister for her lit and she found it useful.Oh well, thank God for such gifts...and Lord, please guide me to use them wisely, for pride is building up and walling me in.Lord, let me be sensitive to others and use my tongue in the way you wish it to be used.Let it be an instrument to glorify your name and not mine.Lord,You take control.

Apres la pluie un beau temps

2007-08-16T21:34:00.000+08:00

One blog the most when one is not supposed to.How true.I'm not supposed to blog.Again.I have work to clear.As always,but yeah, i thought i have emotions i need to let out.I dont feel like using figurative language sometimes but yeah, as much as i normally write without an audience in mind, i'm aware there are people reading.Blogging is for communication, and for this blog, most of the time, it's the communication to the inner self.

There are a lot of things i feel.I feel, i think and try to put the feelings and the thinking into actions.I'm a feminist, because my almar mater has taught me to be so, to be independent, to be strong and to be ladies and leaders...I'm very attached to crescent, and i think i will always be.It doesnt mean i'm not attached to ACS but yeah, crescent was the place i received and learnt much, and its time i contribute back.

My deepest emotions i cant pour out here.I have much to say, and maybe, it's time i commit them to God.I've committed much to God but...there are so much more than feelings that are crashing over me,I need to let them out.My mom, being who she is, my family members dont exactly understand.Oh well, there are people who do.And there is one Father that is always there.I'll run to him again.

Besides the emotions, there are other random stuff...

My mom is back!With a truckload of food =) as usual hehe.Springrolls anyone???
She thinks i'm too thin.Oh, Drong and a team of teachers from ACS visited the hotel!Oh man, haha...they booked 6 rooms for september for dunnowhat reason but according to my mom, they love the hotel and have decided to book 45 rooms for OEP =I

Charity bazaar rendered the whole day a slack day since so many of the teachers and students were busy with either that or something else related.I decided not to skip a single class and made myself attend every lesson, due to the fact that i would definitely slack or have to do other work at home.Math was fun...i left half way to join my former English class to be enlightened on the subject of Hedda Gabler.Hmmm..indeed SL english is definitely more entertaining. Anyway, at the end of the whole day, I'm totally zonked.I really exerted myself quite a bit, trying to eat more and all...taking notes as much as i could.I find the councillors, especially Mr president the french fries being very inspirational.I also find Denise the more encouraging peer role model.Her better God-given intellect aside, her dedication to her work and her perseverence to strive for excellence (and she usually succeeds) in everything she does gives me the push to do the same.Oh well, i know my limits though.I'm definitely not as talented, or as smart..

The flip side is...i'm high and then i'm low.The extremity always confounds me.I always want to strive to be normal and yeah, never really succeed. Then there is the need to be persevere in Hl english...The people..such an interesting class a with really gifted individuals but well, with very hard to get along with attitude, especially the girls.I dont know if its because they are non-christians...and theres this rather self-centered attitude...or is it pure...jealousy?Maybe its me being self-centered and prideful heh.Oh well, i wont change class, despite my overwhelming desire to do so.Hayz.God, help!

I actually wanted to stay for chem officer tution and actually for meeting, since i do have chem stuff to ask now that i realise but i guess i was too zonked.I actually needed help for worship since yeah...i really didnt imagine how big the thing might be...in front of the company and all...I cant let God down.Hayz, I dunno whats up with me these days.I was trying the strategy of stoning and daoing.It doesnt work since i dont have the ability and the means to follow the plan through(i simply cant dao or stone for that long!).Now that I've decided to be happy and cheerful and loud and hyper again (basically just me haha), i need to deal with another set of problems.bleah.

Okie, I shall attempt to finish my work.God I really thank you!For everything.For everything.You've been kind.but somehow, as Sheila quoted YQ in her blog, God gives us breathers to prepare us for yet another mountain to climb.Hayz.Whats next Lord.I think i already know.

I need an ACS sweater.Anyone with a spare?

5 in the morning-the thoughts and the peace

2007-08-15T05:14:00.000+08:00

15/8/07

I'm not too good with updating blogs since i'm really lazy and sometimes, blogging takes too much of my time to be given priority(if it should be given priority at all).Anyway, i thought i should use this to let my friends know about me..the people who are overseas and people who dont really know whats going on with my life. Tendency to emo-blog is high but lemme just recap a few wonderful events happening yesterday before today begins proper.

I thought i would be deep fried for most of the subjects since i didnt do so many of my work.The blacklogging bothers me and to be honest, my HL subjects are not as easy as people think they are or im making it seem to be.History is bothering me a bit because i'm quite lost when it comes to content.I dont lack skills(or maybe i actually do a little) but i lack so much of knowledge, like for example we're doing world war and i'm still quite confused about the immediate causes for its commencement. I'm working doubly hard...because the rest of the class, with the exception of Sloke have done history before and of course, sloke being a GEP, its easier for him...but then again...maybe its not. Econs...i get the concepts but is way behind in work.Sitting next to a slacker helps(esp when the slacker is a good friend who tells you what to do...as in how to deal with the subject and be less kan chong haha) Classes are very interesting these days...Since i'm not too closed off and i actually make a point to interact more with the people around despite my fear it would result in some misunderstandings.

I went to see Mrs Chia during a break and i went to see Mr talbot regarding my chem practs.Thank you to all my teachers who have cared and showed understanding beyond my expectation.Seeing mrs chia is comforting because yeah, she seems to understand all the things im going through.I was asked to make a point to break the ice with dad yesterday but well, he came home so late i had fallen asleep studying and only realised hes home a few moments back. I actually think we'll be normal again pretty soon.I'll ask for a laptop and well, try to talk more.I wont go through my sister...and i'll talk about my school more often too.I have to make this work...and honestly, i feel i'm quite blessed compared to so many others.God has been working for me and yeah, my both sets of parents do love me a lot since they have no other children except my sister and me.At the end of the day, i think im still a little deer, fascinated and dazed, wandering in God's forest of blessings.

The ups and the downs are more bearable because of you. Thank you.

I'll run

2007-08-12T20:44:00.000+08:00

I want to run from this.everything.I want to run...again.To escapade...far away land.The thought of that has not left me for a long time now.
I want to call people but i refuse to do so.I want to call and i hesitate, thinking, what would i say, where do i begin, because tears will take over words for sure
I cry too much these days...and according to Dr James Dobson in his book Love must be tough(its not about just bgr love, its a great read for all christians about relationships)...he said theres nothing correct about a girl crying herself to sleep at night.It just means shes hurting emotionally, mentally and that could in turn bring great damage to her health and internal organs...i have no idea how big is the damage, but I can say ive been doing that.
I'm stressed and i dont want to be.I take comfort in the friends i have but at the end of the day, I think God would want me to deal with it head on.I have to
God keeps on telling me to let go, let go christine, let it go, forget it, forgive, tolerate...a little more...wait...izzit really God's voice...
The problem i'm still not yet explaining
Whats going on man.whats going on in BB
In school, at home
did i do something wrong, God did i?????
I feel like i did.But in one of the devotions, God you say Satan is all around with the mocking voice and telling me i'm cheated, that when i'm trying to do the right things all the troubles seem to have come.
I feel like quitting, and You pulls me back.
Why the hell should i quit...it makes nobody happy..nobody...including myself
I'll have to go through it and..yes...become strong(I'm listening to don moen)

8/10/04
My prayer book entry reads:
My themes
acts 9:3-16
the verse i picked out: I will show him how much he must suffer for my name-v16
....

I need an apology.We need some reconciliation...
i also need strategy...and strength...and time
and i dont have any of the above...except maybe strength...and still, faith in the fact He is in control.

The wandering heart

2007-08-11T22:55:00.000+08:00

11/8/07

Ive found a new way of blogging.Thank you Eryn Kwong.I want to hug you morree..and take more pics but yeah, sorry we were in a rush and forgot =S Anyhow, I love you dear.I have a lot of best friends now...thanks to God, and you guys, the 4 angels of 5.15 (too bad Denise is always with the guys haha), you are really one of the pillars of strength for me in ACSI.Its tough to be in a boys' school.I mean every single word i just typed.

I want to list my angels here(the male ones..err you know who you are if you dont err..too bad haha!)

Sheila-The one that brought me to Christ with her enduring tolerance and faith-you are indeed one in a million-thank you-for God and for your father(Pastor Richard haha!)

Dung-My dear, i dont think you know i have a blog, but yes...12 years of friendship...the suicidal plan, the communist ways of doing things we both hate, your endurance and tolerance towards the system too.I left for the better world and you stay and went through it all.But IB unites us!All the best ok?I'll pray for you.I've got facebook too.We'll email haha!The world is a small place now.And after IB, Ill visit you =))

Eryn-What can i say?I thank you for being here in ACSI and go through the crap/stress/fun/joy/tears together with me- the choir...we have God and choir and BB and wow, what else, music and french!Yes, time is what we need to deepen this friendship. yes haha,we'll do sentosa, and US..and Vietnam ;) (Deluxe room + shopping +food!)
Rachel- Ive hurt you yeah?We fought openly in class haha!yeah, we're so competitive!I thought i was queen of competition but yeah, i'm dethroned man, you are like the most competitive of them all.Sorry dear, but i love you!Look at us, choir,competition,SL math, 5.15,bintan...the stress is minute!yes, you can do it-The choir's admin rests in your hand..ok thats added pressure but, hey, we walk this path together with God don't we??

Jeanette-WAHAHAHA!Bolsheviks!!!History rocks man.Thank you for being the inspiration, to love the Lord and hunger for His words so earnestly in your young faith still, to have the boldness to pray in a corporate prayer in Bintan. The Lord works wonders.Haha, HL english rules and so does bridge and so do girls, especially Crescent Girls!
Alyssha-The little one, but with a great sense of humor, admirable leadership and intellect!and more than that, you care and make us Christians feel quite shameful sometimes because we dont care as much as you do.Ready to accept the Lord huh?We're guiding you there and one day, you will receive Him.Thank you for being such an example haha..for being so obedient to your parents despite the +ve peer pressure =)
Vanessa-i'm so sorrrryyy i miss you out!!! How can i forget my bestfriend in crescent who stuck through thick and thin with me in sec 3 and 4 and who was there during the turbulent times of my life.Despite the distance(Australia), you still connect with me, heart and soul.Thank you for the wise counsel, for the understanding so surpassing of your age and for being Jesus Christ the counsellor in my life.We have to meet when you come back in december!!I miss you a lot BLAH! AARGGHHH!!

Guys, BB sucks up my life, i'm so sorry i cant be there for so many of the school events and i cant spend more time with you guys.But wait, i already spend like all the time in school with you guys!We are so busy!We are ladies and leaders =)) (to the ones not from crescent, its ok hehe, applicable to all who can lead and are ladies =)) My wish is our little group will grow in God and we'll serve Him in the posts we have.Haha, work is BANNED from being discussed in our table.The no.1 agenda is suaning guys =)(more specifically Ian Lim and old man wahaha!)

Acs(i) is the place God calls me to.The one I'm going to next God has already let me know i think.Although im swayed side by side to stay here in this little island and be bonded to you all and more people out there whom I have the previlege to meet and work with(one way or another), I still believe i would go in the end.The distance won't matter right haha.I still love challenges, new grounds, new places, new faces and a new world ready open to me(maybe it wont be but i am open to it already haha!).I will continue to pray but yeah,this is my conviction.

Love, i'm not going to run from.Today, the entire presentation of ER was about Love.We dedicated the whole thing to God and, as any performer would say, we do this for God, for ourselves and we hope the audience appreciates what we do. Let me say this again, i dont care much about titles now.but I do love my work because its really stuff I love to do(music, PR, presentations,talkin...)Adriel can keep his haha, he can be on the chopping board every time we fail and if we succeed, we'll credit him =)

I'll leave you a song from Corrinne May.I'm convinced we'll be really cool friends we ever meet haha.then again, we're sisters in Christ yes?

On the side of me

Music and lyrics: Corrinne May

(haha..will add the lyrics here when its posted on the net by some other kind soul...too lazy to type it out.But you guys can get it by checking out her new album!(oh man...i'm really gifted with doing PR work...)

12/8/07

I hate myself for being such a slacker...and yes..although people confirm with me i have a legitimate reason to not do work, i still feel i'm really weak and lack of self-will at the moment.However, Eryn Kwong, you again are my inspiration.I shall attempt to finish all work today and next week.I won't go to doc and take sleeping pills.I will see a school counsellor.(Rachel's mom would be fine too eh but i dunno how we can meet up)

Driving Alert

2007-08-10T10:06:00.000+08:00

10/8/2007

All i once held dear (knowing you)
Music by Graham Kendrick

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain
I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord

Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like you in your death, my Lord
So with you to live and never die

Proverbs 4: 20-27

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm." v25-26

I want to answer the questions posed by the author at the end but yeah, i feel like making a detour.OK fine, in my fickle-mindedness I've decided to answer the questions and then maybe give my own response from there.

Do I have a clear picture of the godly path before me? Why or why not?How does keeping my eyes on the goal help me stay on the straight path?

Hmmm question number 1.I do actually.I'm not too sure if i'm suppose to say no to it but i think i actually do.I mean, look, i know almost exactly what i'm supposed/have to do .It's only how i'm going about to do it that is mysterious to me.For example, I know that i'm supposed to clear my head, put aside emotions/numb them or no, give them to the Lord so i can focus on the most important thing right now to me, to do His work and study well.Ive not been both very well...wait, maybe i do.Goodness, i think i need to give some credits to my own abilities(God-given of course) some times.Back to the question, yes I do.I think...i know.Like my desire for doing law, like serving in BB now and maybe as officer, like the worship and EE ministries in my church, like mentoring and being mentored, like tutoring in Crescent, like my overwhelming desire now to do something about my God-given ability to sing(I do believe i'm talented..come on, i actually can reach Phantom's christine's notes...with ease actually)...Are these the godly path? That i will do/juggle all of these as well as my family,relationship,friendship problems/trials?

Question 2: why? Because Ive been praying...ive stopped making a prayer item list this week due to well, overwhelming emoness and the refusal to do so. However, i've not forgotten them in my thoughts..and now, i pray silently to God anytime and anywhere.Thats the joy of walking everyday with Him, that you can say a prayer anytime you feel the need to, on the bus, on the streets, in school and even when talkin to people.Prayers are my words to the Lord, and hence, they are at my discretion to be open or close about it. Some of the prayers are written here to this blog, because i thought i dont mind people reading them, but many more are in my prayer book and with God, because they are meant to be for Him only and maybe, one day, someday, I'll let someone read my prayer book.It's a precious book to me.

Why not?They are a clutter of activities, of well programs.Do I spare a thought for the ones i hold dear when i list the things i have to do?Probably yes and no at the same time.I'm a workaholic, i will not deny it and everyone..almost everyone who knows me agrees.It used to be something i was quite fond of but now its scaring me to death sometimes. I could go on and on and well, on for hours without break and my mind so focused i would block all emotions/thoughts deemed as irritants or disturbances. It hurts a lot of people before, and it is hurting people even now.Ministries are ministries...but if they are just a series of works to hide one's feelings and pain and whats not i'm feeling, are they worth doing?Then again, God is guiding, in my failures He had triumphed.In the darkness of my soul He had lit an illuminating light, however minute or flickering, the light still shines. So Lord, you are in control again.you are the one in the driver's seat.You and I have shaken the Roman's handshake, that if I let go you would still hang on to me.Lord your comfort and mercies are overflowing despite Satan's relentless ways.You love me, but you love those around me too.you love the unloved, the forsaken by the societies and communities. You died for them, you were found with them while you are here on this earth.Lord, give the strength i need to love them and in my suffering, may your love and glory be shown because I could never do this without you.Lord, only You know.Only You.

Keep your eyes on God's road.

I found my favourite writer in Our Journey's blog.Blogs exist for a reason- to communicate-to the inner soul of oneself or to a higher being or to loved ones that want to know or simply, to the wandering souls who are searching for something on this WWW.

I want to abandon this blog.But, my encouragement for continuing it is that this could be a place someone chances upon and find something they can make use of. Perchance my more humble hope is that i would actually break the pattern of blogging for 5 months and stop...every year now.haha.

Oh I find meaning in reading my past entries.The poems...wow..haha i'm amazed by my own abilities.I dont recall writing them but yeah, they are really not bad considering i was sec 2 or 3 then.Like more things like...i actually heard of sam chan and russel chan through a blog and now to realise God let me meet the person in real life and serving the Lord in the same CCA...

More stories...some time..soon.I'm very convicted now i should give a testimony during PAT.We shall see how.

I've suffered much for BB, physical,emotional and mental.Many a times i asked myself why am i here when i dont even feel appreciated but even persecuted and discriminated.Why Lord oh why?? The reasons are above...the reason is that God calls me here and I could use my gifts in more ways than ive ever known, that I can touch the lives of the Boys by being just myself(hyper,siao,mad,strict...blah blah blah) by just serving and going through what they go through(i really sympathise with them a lot).I have learnt much from my church and God calls me here to use what I've learnt to bless the people around me and be blessed in turn.The Boys, by being just who they are, are a blessing to me.Thank you Lord, for the friends, for the Officers, for the Boys..for the Female Primers especially( we are quite an awesome bunch dont ya think??=))Let me love,Lord, let me carry on, let me carry this cross/burden and move along Your road, let me never give up on what you have set my heart to,let me do all things not for myself but for YOU.

The Servant King
1983 Kingsway's Thankyou MusicWords
Music by Graham Kendrick

From heaven You came, helpless babe
Entered our world, Your glory veiled
Not to be served but to serve
And give Your life that we might live
This is our God, the SERVANT KING;
He calls us now to follow Him
To bring our lives as a daily offering
Of worship to the SERVANT KING.
There in the garden of tears (girls)
My heavy load He chose to bear;
His heart with sorrow was torn,
Yet not my will, but Yours he said.
Come see His hands and his feet,
The scars that speak of sacrifice
Hands that flung stars into space
To cruel nails surrendered
So let us learn now to serve,
And in our lives enthrone Him
Each other's needs to prefer
For it is Christ we're serving

http://www.jamesmacdonald.com/blog/

Acknowledgement: Byle,Ann.Our journey,RBC Ministries, 2007

at a loss for word

2007-08-07T08:44:00.000+08:00

7/8/07

Romans 8: 22-27

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, We do not know what we ought to pray for, with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches for our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." v24-27

But it is important to remember that prayer is not a one-way flow of words.Just being still and quite before the Lord is an important part of praying. The Lord knows what you want to say long before you utter a word, long before you sit down in your favourite place to pray. He knows your thoughts before you even think them. he'll minister to you while you'er silent.

When you can't seem to pray, create a place of stillness withim you.And when you can't find the words, let the Holy Spirit intercede for ou "with groans that words cannot express"

Responding: Am I aware of God's presence?- The answer for myself is yes...wont elaborate.

Silence and stillness can also be prayer.

Acknowledgement: Ferdinandsz, Tanya.Our journey,RBC Ministries, 2007

the child God wants

2007-08-05T07:31:00.000+08:00

5/8/07

Hebrews 12:4-11

"Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." v10-11

Responding: If i am God's child, what can i do to be closer to Him? Have I ever experienced God's discipline? How did it change me?

Hmm...To question 1, by asking God, "God, is this the child You wanted?"I need to accept his plans for me, whatever they may be and trust in the fact that they are for my good and to bring me to become more Christ-like each day.I guess the trials which come with the plans have to accepted too.If I want to be God's wanted child, then i must be receptive to His discipline...which are always accompanied by the hard times.

To question 2 and 3, Ive been disciplined a lot blah...Im being disciplined right now, with so many problems, worries and wandering thoughts that I'm not really committed to coming to terms with, Hes teaching/disciplining me to face problems that i want to ignore/run away from.The best example of such discipline action in the past is prolly the episode with my dad.Ive grown ,I've also learnt my lesson (hopefully), and I've definitely committed more sins and stuff to God's hands.Ive become a lot more patient(in affliction), and tolerant and maybe even understanding towards others because i know whats its like.Ive become less prideful, and hopefully a lot more humble.Ive become stronger, in God and with Him, endurance strength increases exponentially.I've learnt to let go, to trust, to hope and most important of all, to love.To love Him and drawing strength from Him to love others as He loves.

Lord, thank you for the beautiful sunrise you allow me to see, for the gentle breeze of the morning and the immense beauty of your earthly creation in the morning glorious sunlight.Thank you for yesterday, for the jokes, for the laughter, for the tears and for your people and angels that You've provided for me.I thank you too for strength, for boldness hopefully stemming no from my pride, but pride in the one fact You are God and Lord of my life. I thank you for today's devotion father, for teaching me that you discipline through trials because You care, more than anyone this world and You love, more than any unfathomable love found on this earth.I pray that you will continue to teach me, mould me and guide me everyday Lord, as I do all things that are in your plans.Let me be the daughter You wanted.In Christ's most precious name I pray, Amen.

God corrects us because He loves us.

Aknowledgement: Byle, Anne.Our jouney, RBC ministries 2007

the ultimate slacker please sit down

2007-08-02T22:35:00.000+08:00

I have no idea whats going on but yeah...i'm just sleeping and slacking a lot this week...and the work is piling and piling...well actually i can clear them all but i just never could bring myself to do them.I feel really really guilty, asking God for forgiveness is an act by guilt itself.I'm just well, feeling very blahhh.Its so not me to slack this much, especially now when everything is going at a faster pace.I'm just very scared i'll fall behind like last term.

I cant do one of the practs...because i have no data i realise.That day was the day..and i was still very traumatised by all the stuff that happened that i couldnt even focuse on doing my pract properly.Now is the result i reap.My dad is not exactly in good terms with me.We both are just finding opportunities to explode again i guess.Hes picking on me for the very little things...really.When you lose the big picture, you focus on the little things.Hes paranoid now...and i have absolutely no idea what he does nowadays.I cant understand why he cant just go back to vietnam with mom and be useful and happy there instead of creating more tension and stress for the family here.

I havent been able to gain much weight, despite my huge appetite...and my constant eating.I'm still at 47 kg.The max is 47.5 when ive just finished eating.Whats up with me anyway.I could feel myself being so light...and i could see my ribcage bones..since a long long time ago that ive been able to do so.

Okay...I hate the idea of disappointing my econs teacher again...gosh...i'm so behind....and thanks to what?Stuff that i never wanted to come my way.God, you are quite amazing...but you are quite crazy too!Ive ben very ministered by the daily devotion these days.I dont have time to put them up here but yeah, I'll bring it to bb primer room tmr.I'm quite excited about NDP actually, amidst all the worries for homework and deadlines undone...blah...I'm quite a poor mugger nowadays...

You govern my life

2007-08-01T18:28:00.000+08:00

I should not be blogging.Yeah.But I do realise I have to let it out.I need to say it out...if not verbally to someone, on msn to someone..then it must be here to this blog.Its been my faithful companion, alongside with God and a bunch of other angels(of all forms and kinds) that have guided me along since sec 2 when this blog is started.I have a feeling i will part with it soon, leaving this behind only as archive, one day lost in the thousands of files and links the world wide web contains.Those who find this blog, those you are reading, well,i thank you, and I thank God for you.

I need to get this out.its really bothering me too much. I do need to prioritise my time but yeah...reflection is important, almost as important as relationships, and hence, i will dedicate about 1/2 hour to it for today.Time is precious.And we never have enough time.Therefore, we have to make time.

I dont like being chased, not anymore at least.I'm being extremely frank for today.I think its time the words be spoken from the silent and mysterious one.Ive been stoning a lot in school these days..playing diplomatic games(as if i dont do it any other day) but yeah..its worning me out and i refuse to let anything wear me out except God and His work.Wait, maybe this is His work.Oh well, I'm not well, ascertain.Anyway, the idea is that, i'm not dumb.Thank you very much.I'm an excellent literature/HL english student that i believe most teachers would be quite fond to have.This, means, if you have not already known, i'm extremely sensitive.I pick up details most people ignore.I seek to understand the underlying meaning, the hidden emotions and of course, the intended intention of most(if not all) actions done towards and for me. Its getting on my nerves...that you are distractions and not a helpful force.Wait, you guys r not that bad actually, you did help me...but please dont accuse me of being "manipulative".I can be, and its in my human nature to do so.However, God, my Governor, said otherwise.All of your kindness I take note and have gratitude for, but i would have greater gratitude and love if you share that kindness with your fellow men.I'm a woman, though i do display characteristics unlike those of my species, I am a woman darn it.I'm not a lesbian,or bi or whatever Shakespearean texts are influencing a lot of people to think(including myself).I'm God's daughter.Enough said.

Wait, there is more.Lets clear it while i'm at it.I dont like selfishness, though i have the tendency to display it a lot of times...in the past and even now...we all do.I'm focused...because God asks me to and because I do have a greater goal and purpose in mind doing IB and finishing IB(hopefully well).Ive been tempted to go places and do things i like.One example would be to do PR in the states at my beloved UPenn or even Duke or Georgetown, or maybe even international relations at above mentioned and even more established American universities.I'm sticking to UK nevertheless.Why you all wonder??? Simply because I think its quite siao to do 8 years of Law...BLEAH.Although I appreciate the importance the US government and educators give to law(equal to med..the only other discipline to require pre-u or undergraduate studies before the actual thing itself), I do consider the bill i have to pay and the number of years i'll be away from this so-called home island, most important of all from loved ones.I love American culture, and i do believe it's a blessed country, and it is.But yeah, America can wait i suppose.So can France and maybe even Switzerland.Then again, God might surprise me with something else, you never know.

Lets clear another misconception.The last one, i promise.It comprises of one simple but hmm profound statement?This is quite clear and short .I shall repeat it..those who have heard/known it, you know it.Those lurking and hiding under the identity of your computer but are reading this in silent contemplation, read it well and understand it.My last request. I shall also help you with a headstart background info and analysis.
You can chase me, all you want(ok, maybe with proper procedures and etiquette) but in doing so, you are telling yourself one thing: you are strong, you are brave, you are hard-headed and stubborn, you are also foolish and quite blind.
But you will never catch me. To save yourself from unneccesary pain and heartbreaks and disappointment and whats not that comes with the situation, please try very hard to understand why such statement was formed in the first place.I'm not joking for once.Im quite serious.

I hope ive been entertaining, amusing to those who know and stern to those who dont.Wa lao.I'm not that great...i'm not very very special either,really.you haven't been looking around enough.Most importantly, I'm not some prize for you all to fight over, make a competition out and see at the end of the day who won.I'm a freaking human being thank you very much once again.To reach the depht of my heart and soul few could(beside God).Those few...I thank you.You are special.Please remember that.I'm opening up, but I need time, and I need God.Please allow me to do what I can, all i can for the time being.

Ive finished.Its been...enriching...for me and hopefully for the readers of this blog.I'm hugging it goodbye pretty soon.In the meantime,I'm hunting for a safer place to call home on the net.Suggestions anyone?(haha)

Screwed

2007-07-31T00:19:00.000+08:00

I'm a rebel.The one fact that i'm blogging right now is a proof of the statement before.I have a mountain of workload to clear in about 5 hours and here i am blogging.But again.Who caress...God does.But God also wants me to be happy i think.haha.I'm quoting too much from a walk to temember script.I should credit it at the end of this entry.

I wonder how many people are reading this.I wonder how large is the audience of this blog.One disadvantage of using blogger is that its now owned by google and hence, all blog search using google ultimately enables you to well...google any blogger site..with a little bit of determination and patience you surely will find your desired blog.Someone proved this to me.Anyway, i must praise myself for being quite an entertaining blogger eh?Come on, i'm sure you laugh when you scroll down and read a few of the entries back.Sarcasm and humor go hand in hand.They might be married to each other i think.

Ok enough lameness.I actually feel really quite calm, frighteningly calmly yet again(i'm quite sick of the word dangerous...my vocab bank deposit is not as low as my real bank account haha)I'm intending to read God's words, which ive been neglecting these few days and then go chiong chem.Yeah.Chem is the subject of the week.I have no idea how screwed I am for it until today(or yesterday rather).Anyway.I feel really quite guilty being so slack and paying no mind to handing in work late to a teacher who had deliberately saved me from a verbal purging by my parents during PTM.I don't like the idea of disappointing someone..or a group of people.Maybe that's why i push myself so hard...for everything, including drill.Darn it.I want to be really good on NPD day and hence, shall practise stoning more often.I need to be prepared for the potential high-decibel screaming from the overwhelming number of crescent girls and acs guys who know me.Wa lao.People, do me a huge favor, be a silent audience and respect the Guest of Honor on that day.I'm high-profile enough.

List of homework for this morning:

Chemistry kinetic assignment
Chemistry practice pract 9
chemistry test-energetics
Chemistry real pract 10
Econs IA
Econs market failure tutorial
History test Mussolini

List of overplayed songs:

Lose your way- i'll sing this-someday-at some occasion-soon
Feels like Home (prolly one of the most beautiful love song there is)
Collide(another WONDERFUL SONG- if someone sings this to me with a guitar, i'll melt hahaha!)
Through it all
From the inside out
Oceans will part
Blessed be your name

The girls in yellow, pinicking during a cricket match...and a thankfulness to God

2007-07-24T20:13:00.000+08:00

Ive never put pics in here.I shall do so now.In the days to come, I'll do more so.As the speech day in crescent approaches with an air of excitement anticipation, i shall make more trips down memory lane.Crescent holds a very special place in my heart.I will come back to tutor after their prelims i suppose, thats also when ive done with NDP and other crazy but exciting BB stuff.Everyday is exciting, hip and wonderful because now, i realised, after all the pain and agonising, I've let to let go...of not just the wrapped pain of the past 8 years but also of pride, of self-centeredness, of past glories and failures.They are all blessings.All of them.Even the pain and the failure.Even this problematic family of mine is a blessing to itself.And God works when one least expects.God works in areas no human can...and He forgives, loves, keep no records of wrong(if we seek forgiveness) and passes no judgements despite all our sins.

The wonderful batch of ex-co 2005 together with Ms Tham, Mr Tay and Ms Seow.

Soprani-The founding members of the revived,Ms tham,music,(and i daresay God)-inspired Crez choir sop 1

Added stuff...i'm supposed to be packing..sleeping/washing up/showering/yogaing.but heck.I really do need a lot of prayers, not for myself but for others around me who in turn affect me in an emotional way anyway.I shall refrain from describing the melancholic visit to the hospital to visit my grandpa.I shall not even attempt to describe the emotions.One word for thought, reminiscence.Vivid memories...of those who had passed on unsaved, not knowing Christ, of the 2 people who besides my parents, had loved me and shown the most care.Not the same hospital, but whats the difference...they are all hospitals.

Other random things- i like my no-so-long hair haha!I dont look too bad in it but yeah, we'll see.I'll style it..soon. I've made some improvement in the area of eating-i eat half a bowl of noodles instead of 1/3.I eat more at home.I gained 0.5 kg.I dont think i should gain anymore man...i actually like the way i look haha!Just that now all the clothes r very loose.I'm tutoring a bunch of french newbies, esp jin who is showing more interest than he hmm normally would? but anyway...tutoring is fun, especially french. I don't own chem haha...but yeah..its getting better.I have no time to read the papers or any other books except IB books...like what the heck.I shall attempt to read the newspaper from tmr onwards.My doctor is high-profile.Hes a friend of Drong.Goodness...yeah...Hes not mentioning my name to the Duce!And yeah, hes agreed to help Nic's mom.Eryn's stuff is great.I'm wearing them this fri and maybe even sat.We'll see.I want to ask someone to hmm blog more rationally and use plurals in his blog lol.

Joy through work

2007-07-22T01:17:00.000+08:00

Yeah.The hardest part of the month is over...hopefully.I know ive blogged for today but it seems like the blog is becoming more and more impersonal thanks to my refusal to emo-blog since there is like an audience now.I also realise that my blog is still linked to many of the youth leaders in Ywav..which means...they might have been reading in silence.Oh well.whatever right.

Anyway, yeah I cant stand it.I need to emo blog a bit for now.I need to do some consolidation of thoughts.The past week, has been, one word, unforgettable.I dont think i will ever forget it for the rest of my life.I've learnt loads...and Ive also grown much.I told Sheila repeatedly that only through pain and struggle can one grow in the Lord and with Him.I can counsel so well not because i have some talent or gift in it(maybe i do and thats God's gift for me) but really, the crux of it is that Ive gone through so much of those pain, all kinds...death, family brokeness...the worst 2 that one could have experienced.I understand whats like to lose sleep, to long for a night of peace, to feel a tinge of envy when one see a complete family free of problems.My life has been plagued by it but then again, ive not experienced the loss of a immediate family member like my cousin did, nor am i in a family of a drug addict and a jobless mom like my other cousin. The people around me are strong, and sometimes, that makes me feel pretty weak, pretty pampered and blessed to a certain extent.However, when i compare my childhood with those of some of the kids i met today, i feel that they are so much more fortunate and...unfortunate..because they are too spoiled. Ive learnt from my both dads that i need to work for what i want...if i want something, i work hard for it.If i want a holiday, i work for the grades that would earn me the trip.If i want to ask for something i need to work for it as well.My parents are strict, and as much as i still resent what they put me through sometimes because they are in the wrong this time and have refused to apologise, i still thank them at the end of the day. Yeah, im still very cold to my parents, especially my dad because i do believe he owes me an apology.Ive been very tolerant this time, because i understand hes going through something difficult but he needs to apologise too.Please practise what you preach.

At the end of this week, there are some major transformations...in a lot of areas of my life.To me, i think i'm really mature for an 18 yes?But then sometimes, i dont want to act that age...i still want to enjy my youth and thats why i act like some 16 year old a lot of times.I look at my mom and dont want to go through what she goes through.I look at her and i pity her and feel really guilty for making her feel torn.Luke something talked abt this...I'm not very good at remembering verses blah.

I have not mentioned God in anywhere above.but you know what, as much as i complain and such as above, I thank Him for everyday and thank him for everything he has done, the trials and the joys he has brought too.I could never hate God...not now at least.I'm learning to breathe, to let go and to live day by day, take things as they come day by day and do as God guides. As Sheila and auntie Phui Fun both agreed, that's the easiest way to deal with things.Whatever it is, God is good, all the time =)

Child-like faith=My favourite thing

2007-07-21T21:47:00.000+08:00

Where do I start??

Lets recount another glorious day!!!
I'll start by "THANK YOU LORD YOU ARE AMAZING!"

WOOT!BB CARE 2007 Daybreak is a SUCCESS!Praise be to Him and His workers!

I just want to thank all those who were involved-the 5 strong FEMALE PRIMERS ( lee min amanda petrina audrey and myself)-YES WE DID IT!HAHA!YAY!WE OWN!
I want to thank All the band members- they rock!They have really proved themselves to be a wonderful bunch of boys to work with =) Everyone of them...has tremendous potential...way surpassing their seniors the current year 5 Primers.Special mention to my 2 musketeers!Shane, hmm....didnt do his job THAT WELL...the official order might still be applicable.Hmmm...shall i be evil wahaha!!
I wanna thank Primer Daryl Chia-haha-really a wonderful senior..err maybe not really since hes my age and all.
I wanna thank Mr Jarrett Khan haha!Hes really cool la..okie...i must say hes really good with kids.
Hmm I want to thank all the kids!oh man...they are so wonderful!Geez...I'm good with kids...although i dont like it when they scream.
I want to thank Julie Andrews and Ms Tham!Hahaha!I wont elaborate..darn..i'm wayy to high profile now thanks to that. Oh man.I'll kill Shane Shane if he puts that video on youtube.
I want to thank NDP for the stupid fireworks-again-but yeah..today not bad...its like fireworks to celebrate the glorious end to a week of really hard and dedicated work and prayers.
I wanna thank Evangelism Cube-haha!It ROX!The company should invest in more of these rather than stupid things like junk food...
All those who pray for us-the GUY PRIMERS (HAHA!)-thank you for err supporting us?Be inspired and learn from us girls =)
I want to thank God again for His amazing ways and grace- for working though each and everyone of us(including myself haha!)

Finally, and most importantly-Thank you God for Qian Qi, Annabell and hmm..gosh i'm bad at names...The 3 saved girls.Especially for Qian Qi whose inspiring child-like faith is the biggest encouragement to me.She was sharing the gospel to the other 2 right after learning it just about 1 hour before.Qian Qi, you are one smart and strong girls.In fact all of you are!You 3 will be in my prayers for a long time to come!

I havent done evangelism in a long time..oh man..actually forgot the sinner's prayer.ok.I'm inspired to revise EE SOON.

Oh.I'm good at doing PR work.I have contacts from 60th Coy-The ex PSM has leaked the secret of the 60th coy for owning AQ-they run for 30km straigth for hike =I Hes going back to train them- haha..oh man.i'm like doing spy work.But Zach is wayy to smart to let me know more than that haha!

Thank God for ACS, BB,girls school, QBC,Ywav and the Ex-convicts =)

choral training + rain = FUN NDP rehearsal

2007-07-20T22:54:00.000+08:00

Another memorable day.

Yeah.I should stop using the word"memorable" to describe my days since everyday is memorable haha. Today is particularly special though.So much is going on at the same time sometimes I dont really know whats going on. let's do a systematic breakdown of the day.We need to do a close analysis to understand the bothered mind of one typical IB student.

Morning assembly:
I was late.I slept at 3 plus plus and woke up at 6.30.I was still taking my time to get ready and stuff.The night before was mostly spent doing...history filing.Goodness, i'm amazed by the amount of notes and reading and whats not i have for history.The thick file is already going to full soon, and we're not even half way through the 3rd term.AND, i had to settle BB care stuff as well...wa lao.The workload for BB care is crazy. Anyway, i was strolling in to school at hmm 7.30 ++WHY? All the councillors are my very good friends wahaha.Edmund Chong, the slackest, hyper siao guy in my class is actually in charge of DISCIPLINE.haha yeah, i like this year's council a lot man.That's the way to go.I was strolling in the other day too and prolly a junior in BB doing prefect duty let me pass HAHA. Well done, gentleman.He was actually asking his "subordinates" to let me go.Wonderful eh? I didnt know i had become so high profile in the school...what the heck.

French B: I was hyper as usual.French B never fails to make my day.We were talking about food some more. Anyway, the pace of the class is a bit too slow for me actually, i was doing double work in there, finishing worksheets that actually are due hmm..in 1 week.Anyway, french is now ultimate ownage. I'm going to make sure it is so all the way till exam time.I actually brought spring rolls to class and at the end, everybody was eating haha.

SL Math: Another ownage class.Goodness, its like a class of gossiping/catching up with other class work/slack and joke. I know a lot more ppl now man. I m actually in 2 of wesley's classes now and of cuz...asher and another bunch of people i actually already know...They should call SL math "Girls own math class". Hahaha...give it up man. Theres no way any guy can top a SL math.The girls were discussing if a question this easy could actually be worth 6 marks.Paradise.I shall have to exercise self control with regard to my laughter in that class, the teacher is just a joker! they talk crap more than anything in that class.Anyway, i realise that now ive gotten out of Hl math, I'm a bit obsessed with it.Haha.Augmented matrix.I can do that man. the teacher was like "what cheem stuff is tat are you talking about!Leave whatever you have learnt from Hl math at the door!".Excellent.Another ownage class.

History HL 2: HAHAHA.History..is HILARIOUS.Mr Wong, goodness, hes adopted the policy of dictator hitman or maybe musso or lino or stalino...or just all of them combined.Whatever it is, he's funny!The guys are going a bit crazy too.Everybody is a lot more motivated these days.I click too well with everyone of them. What did we do for 40 mins?FILING...and watching the end of a video on the great musso, which i actually missed about 80%.Anyway, the video was good.Let me realise one thing.All dictators are pretty brilliant people, with exception of nuub stalin, and they become dictators because they did everything to magnify and increase personal gain..although they did, by doing so..contributed the development of the countries they governed.Hmm..ok..too much history for one day.ANYWAY, next week history is gonna be interesting haha.Sir is getting excited.War is his specialty.And when hes excited, hes gonna give more work.Joy to the world. oh oh... i saw my grades in the entity..ive been improving...and now? I OWN. Darn it. I had to A+ for the first 2 assignments of the term.The test this mon,i'm going to make sure its at least a 7...

PE: HAHAHAHAHA. I OWN SOCCER!YEAH! hidden talent eh?I'm going to scare all the guys now..or rather, they r gonna ask me to play soccer with them every pe lesson now!Oh man I felt so good...finally playing real football after such a long time of just being so useless, posing in the soccer field with the rest of the girls and wait for pe to end.SLACK TIME OVER.Eryn and I made a freaking good team.As a matter of fact, the girls in our class ROX.We should form a 7 aside soccer team (with ian lim being the 7th) and go own other classes!The guys were actually scared...they never saw all of us being so fierce and on all at once.To think i was called "player of the match" and what.."trump card" by madam..hahah..yeah man...we gave them a run for their money haha!

NDP: No kick.again.WHY? you are going to understand why after i explain in details my choir practice session crescent.Its worse than anything the boys had gone through.and we are girls.Lets go.
2 k run before every practice.
Close to SYF or any performance : 3 hours of mandatory standing in court shoes, with back straigth...so that court shoes,or rather pain from court shoes would become our bestfriend, bothering us no longer during the performance itself
Everytime someone talked when the pres talked, she would order us to run 1 round around parade square.I remember running about 11 rounds cos we were talking still.
Punishment for late coming: 10 mins or more without excuse: 3 rounds around parade square.
Performance time: our faces have to smile, have to keep calm have to be focused despite the various distractions from the audience(eg waving madly and photo taking and whats not..and laughing during a performance cos we were doing weird stuff).
Breathing-one cant show that the shoulders are moving
Water? Swallow your own saliva-it really helps.

Oh PE in crescent: 5 mins late? 5X3 push up- man' style.I never knew how to do push up girls style until i came to ACS...what an irony.
2 times a week mass run of about 1 k?
MORE of training for nafa in sec 4..obstacle course NS style...wa lao...i remember it so well.The loser group had to run 1 round the parade square...and we ended up running about 5 times around parade square + warm up of 2 rounds + the stupid obstacle course...everyone of us..
Nafa 2.4- run till u get the freaking A grade.

haha...one might think we had it easy in a girls school.You thought wrong then.I should let the twefth see the crez choir train one day.They might be inspired enough to do better drill.

Okay. I actually wanted to go to the swing..but now its hmm 12.14..i better go get ready for tmr and SLEEP.I need a freaking a lot of energy for tomorrow man.I'm going to be shameless haha.I'm a professional.The more audience the more exciting. I just love to entertain people haha.I should go join drama very soon.Ok enough.Another long post.I have failed to cut short my entry again...failure in such area is forgivable though.

I realise that ive doing bb work every day for this week.I have absolutely no time for any other thing...oh well.ok.that's an exaggeration but still, its taking freaking a lot of my time. Oh well, yesterday's devotion talked about doing God's work not because of duty but out of love for Him.Romans 12...too lazy to get my prayer book out and look at it anyway, the one phrase that stuck with me though, was "be patient in affliction". It struck me then that yeah, this whole family drama episode thing is teaching me to be freaking patient...and tolerant...whatever...i think my parents have come to their senses finally..thank God for Dr Ong haha!Oh well, it is true though, had they not come for PTM, they would have never gone easier on me.Hurtful words spouted at me even on that day, but yeah, I realised that God works in my teachers and used them to carry me through.Thank You Lord.

Let the music heal your soul

2007-07-18T20:06:00.000+08:00

Today...is..memorable.

I want to thank God i want to thank Him again.I dunno man...I want to know if someone out there actually suffers as much as i do.I think there are a lot of ppl out there...well...if i have God.I'm really not afraid.I'm dangerously calm...yet again..haha.

I thank God now for Ms Tham and her husband, Mr Albert Yeo.Mr Yeo, you will never find this blog, but i WANT TO SAY THANK YOU AGAIN.You are like a 4th father to me, although we corresponded in such a short period of time.I love choral music, i love music, i sing because God allows me to do so.I sing with my whole body...with the combination of mind, strength and will to produce sounds of music...never will I allow myself to sing without the alertness of such things.We choristers are gifted people man.And we are the blessed people too.

Hmm..I want to do work.I tried to do work and i still want to do work.i feel very guilty now that i accomplished so little given so much time...but yeah...I want to have peace.And I had it.I dont want to be a workaholic...work till i drop death..oh man...that thought scares me to death.

I thank God for starbucks haha...whatever man.The weather was very nice today.I thank god for the rain, its therapeutic all the time.

Gosh, so much pain.I still feel it.Everyday, the pain is just there, thwarting my heart, drenching my soul and robbing me of my sleep.I think i'm strong.yeah I AM.haha i self-praise yet again but yeah, i need to know i am.I think, after this episode is over, whenever that might be, i'll take flight.After IB, i'll take flight.So much hurt...I was watching the korean drama just now.My life..doesnt really differ much from it, to a certain extent.Wa lao.People should stage my life one day man.I'll be the star.I think its damn drama, too drama for my liking.And yeah, marriage and love and whats not themes that were in that drama made me think.If i get married at all, i vow to NEVER LET MY CHILDREN GO THROUGH THE PAIN I'M GOING THROUGH NOW. Or better, i wont get married at all so that no freaking children will suffer.I want to do law, i want do it very badly now.I want to run and scream and well, take flight but i'm not going to do that. There is hope in this house.God still reigns.God is still here and is very gracious still.

My wish is..no one, let no one i know suffer the same stuff i do. When I was in sec 4, i think i said the same thing...yeah.I just read that in my prayer book.One person is enough man.Lemme suffer it for you and u dont have to go through it.I sound a bit high and mighty but really, this is not stuff you want to experience.All of you, a lot of you now who might be reading my blog, thank you and take heart you dont have to go through it man, it sux.Its not break-up bgr thing.Its deep.

Well, ive leaked this blog to quite a number of people.well guys, if you are reading or something, THANK YOU. *CHRISTINE TAKES A BOW* I love you guys, especially you ERYN KWONG.Thank you my dear.I have faith in the acsi choir though you guys r well screwed.you have my support on that day.You have God too.

Lionel, lips, jeanette,alyssha,rachel,tsar nicolas,bunny,tee,ge,sloke,lucy,jin,audrey,lee min, gareth, edmund,marc,mr yeo...who else did i miss out...oh charles, ming wei, ying hao, mr james ong, mdm swamy,mr talbot, mr wong,wesley chan,mk,xl,kl,johntay,timlim......yeah..THANK YOU.I'm sure you all pray for me/comfort/put up with my crap/tolerate my pmsing/ one way or another the past few days.More to come guys...i doubt this is over soon..although i would really hope for it to be over.

haha...that list is in no particular order, pls dont feel sad if you are like..the last to be mentioned or too happy if you are the first to be remembered..i just list all of you because i feel too grateful and i think God, although he is very scary in letting me feel this thing now, is still extremely gracious..shown in the number of people He gathered to help me.You guys rock.I dont stone btw.

Oh....of course..music heals the soul.songs overplayed:

how to save a life
when the rain falls
let the music heal your soul
through it all
made me glad
break me
reflections
from the inside out
oceans will part
history maker
.
..
...

Finally, i'm letting it go.8 years of suffering, time to let go dont u think?I'm learning to let go, and yes,it WILL GO =)

Strength 2 strength

2007-07-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

I shall refrain from blogging abt anything to do with that today.It hurts too much. I'm reaching my limit...very soon.And before I plunge myself to another living hell, I will take actions.Shall I draft a resolution MUN style for this problem??Maybe...hmm..not that i think about it, its not a bad idea at all. The chair of the committee of disarmament and internal security of the heart announces: "crapping is in order"

1)Mathematical investigation problem poses : investigate the number of ways in which the element of science is effectively eliminated from the equation of life.

Ans:
method 1: we have 2 variables. ownage and chemistry(the element of science). Increase ownage to the power of 5 and divide 1 by chem, we have chem to the power of -1. Find the product of these 2 variables. We have the following :

ownage^(5) X chem^(-1)= ownage^5/chem

By cancelling the variable chem from the equation, we effectively eliminate the element of science from the equation of life =)

Method 2: BURN THE CHEM BOOK AND FILE.

I have enough...this is NOT WHAT I DESERVE.WHAT THE HECK DID I DO WRONG?TOLERATE THIS SHIT? LEAVE ME ALONE.I HAVE GOD AND I DONT NEED ANY OF THIS.I HAVE ENOUGH OF THIS.I'M 18 NOT 28.I'M A HUMAN NOT A MACHINE.I HURT.BUT IF LET A SINGLE TEAR SHED IN FRONT OF THE FKEAKING OF BOTH OF YOU, I'LL KILL MYSELF.I'M STRONGER THAN BOTH OF YOU COMBINED.DAMN IT.I HAVE GOD AND I HAVE ALL THE STRENGTH I NEED.BATTLE?YEAH...BRING IT.WE'LL SEE WHO WINS.WHETHER I CAN SURVIVE?HELL YEAH...I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT THE BOTH OF YOU.THE STRONG MUST LEARN TO BE LONELY DONT U KNOW?????HAHAHA...GO ON,SHOUT,SCREAM AT ME.YEAH.DAMN IT.GO LIVE YOUR FREAKING LIFE AND ILL LIVE MINE.AND I'LL COME OUT TRIUMPHANT BECAUSE I HAVE GOD.

Please forgive me

2007-07-17T00:54:00.001+08:00

For: losing the hp, laugh about it, caring too much abt something u dont freaking understand, being too sensitive, too emotional, crying too much, putting a mask of happiness i'm not so sure i should wear, thinking u are the evil attacking, not eating enough, not taking care of myself, being too busy, wanting to have a luxury of french tution, hurting really badly....i dont know how to deal with this pain but just work and more work, loving you too much to hate you.

God, only You understand this pain.Only YOU.

I will never walk alone

2007-07-09T18:27:00.000+08:00

9/7/07)

I have about 15 mins...wo'nt be a long one of course

School is as usual, full of entertainment and the mundane things.I'm going to like this term.I've freed myself from being the object of suaning and now, has moved up the rank to be the suaner haha!Oh oh, it's a lot more fun to suan ppl than be suaned.hehe.though the latter is fun too haha. I'm finding econs a lot more interesting, a lot more bearable...and HL Math quite irritating since i dont really know if i'm allowed to do SL math.What i learnt at HL might be redundant then..oh well...

Exciting stuff this week...like Primers room opening, NDP rehearsal, some new committee review meeting for BB and my mentoring course..which i have not yet decided to commit myself to.We'll see.Oh course, there's parade this sat haha...one last thing, Marc is coming back, which means i'll get more postcards, and Le Monde newspaper heheh.Quite happy =)

On the other slip side, there's TOK, econs IA and EE to complete, not counting the Hist project to be done by tonight. There's also test next mon..oh yes, CAS stuff to settle..

Last but not least, D DAY TOMORROW. I have resigned to be a complete failure and hence, shall not expect anything from the results. Will just wait to be slaughtered by teachers and parents alike during PTM. For tomorrow, i shall numb all emotions...hopefully...and yeah, i'll praise the Lord for all kinds of results...He's in control.And if the results is bad, which it probably is, its because He's allowed it.There's a comfort in knowing that.At least, the horror of con camp has ceased to exist and the only terror now is the verbal purging by my parents.

Okie...time's up.I'm gonna go do CAS stuff now and clear econs and hist later on.A song repeatedly played in my Ipod by random gave me a lot of encouragement and hope. My Ipod rocks. God rocks even more =))

You will never walk alone
By:Point of Grace

Along life's road
There will be sunshine and rain
Roses and thorns, laughter and pain
And 'cross the miles
You will face mountains so steep
Deserts so long and valleys so deep
Sometimes the Journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
I want you to know

You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
You may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And he'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone

The path will wind
And you will find wonders and fears
Labors of love and a few falling tears
Across the years
There will be some twists and turns
Mistakes to make and lessons to learn
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember where ever you may go

Jesus knows your joy,
Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you faithfully

You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
You may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And he'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone

June-The emotions

2007-07-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

6/7/07

I dont know why i'm just in the mood for a very long entry of emo blogging.I dont really care if anyone reads anymore. After a while, I'm quite convinced i'm just blogging with the knowledge that it is for myself, and for God.It's like an added confession to Him, since my prayers are always cluttered with requests for other people,sometimes for myself..

I have well, quite some time i suppose..Ive adjusted back to the normal sleeping time of a school night, feeling sleepy around 12 and not around 3 am as i used to in june. There is a lot to blog about tonight.I feel as if this entry has been dying to be posted, to be written and yet it wasn't.Emotions i tried to hide, events i let slip by, and problems i chose to ignore seem to have crashed on me.They did, in june, but now with another set of problems and challenges, added to the ones yet to be completed in june.Life is...like that indeed.

I feel the urge to talk about LDC.I didnt blog about LDC at all.There were a lot of reasons why i chose to ignore the entire experience of LDC in my written reflections.One of them is that, God spoke, of the things I couldnt understand, of the many trials He laid down for me ahead, and of His forgiveness which i could never feel adequate enough to receive. LDC was...live-changing, but it was also emotional for me.First day, nothing much until my prayer shift.That one hour of prayers, in the prayer room where for the first time in so long, i felt God's presence, so closed to me, as if when I prayed, He was wrapping himself around me.There was comfort, but there was also pain. The pain came first.In the presence of the Almighty, I could only ask for forgiveness...i just sobbed...I just cried like ive never cried before. Tears flowed so freely they couldnt be stopped for minutes....I remember trembling in fear, in pain and in the recognisation that eventually, I'm still loved and forgiven by Him, despite all the things I have done wrong.There are many things I thought were unacceptable to Him.Somehow, in that room God just comforted me that it was all right, that I was human, and i was weak but its ok because He is strong. When the 1 hour was up, my eyes were so red i thought they were swollen. Well, they were.I was trying very hard to appear normal in front of the primers, officers and especially the sec 2s.I hate the idea of letting someone see me cry, it sux..because to me, tears still signify weakness.Not that I see it as weakness in others, but for myself, tears are not meant to be seen.

day 2..hike..exciting things for me.The day was jolly, first time doing hike with a bunch of sec 2s, primers and officer, Marc. It brought back a lot of memories of OBS, of the strenous trekking around Ubin that we did. There was also cooking, which again reminded me of OBS.It was OBS short version, a lot more simplified.I'm just thankful for crescent...allowing all of us to do OBS, and it really was some physical and mental training, pushing my limit of endurance and strength to its full capacity.The hike, to be honest, was no kick.Compared to the extremely heavy bag we carried then, so heavy we couldnt lift it up without using support of the legs, the hike bag was very light. OBS didnt give us basha poles for support, neither were we given drinks nor sweets...and Ubin was a world different from Lim Chu kang straight roads.I guess i was up to the challenge of hike thanks to OBS. Then again, hike wasn't just about OBS.-reminiscing.The day, as i said, was happy, cheerful, and everybody was enthu.The contrast in the night hike couldnt be any sharper.False march was fun, cool and all..but besides that, night hike was very...trying?It was for me, to the end,and i was pushing beyond enduring strength.I was dealing with something else, i was talking to God. God just spoke, dont ask me how I know it was Him. i just knew. There was this distinct voice, so clear and loud, I couldnt hear any other voices anymore.It came at the most difficult, most trying time of the night hike, when we were marching at such a slow pace, having an injured member and not knowing exactly how to head to sleeping site.Could God choose a better time to tell me something important?yeah...sure..But he chose that moment, at the time of despair, to add to it another heavy burden.Tears didn't stream tat night.No matter how much i wanted to cry, they didnt come.There was this melancholic feeling, the awareness of something heavy just placed on my shoulders.Yet I was too tired to think too much about it, too afraid and shocked too. i just wanted to delay it..I needed time to think I told the Lord. The fact was that , I couldnt think at all lying there at my sleeping spot. I was sheer fatigued, but i couldnt sleep due to the bright light, and the fact that my throat was beginning to bother me. I curled myself up like a cocoon, cos it was pretty cold and somehow, managed to doze off, waking up 3 times in 3 hours...

2nd day of hike, 3rd day of camp...I didnt know how it happened, but the moment i woke up, I somehow, some way, mysterious to myself, said yes to the challenge, or rather the trial God has given me the choice to take.I didnt know what i was in for, but i said yes. was it because of the grogginess in the morning, or was it just the desire to be over and done with and not to be bothered again, i said yes.I never know.That day, hiking became a challenge for the first time. My little toe, which had sufferred much due to the court shoes on the first day, and of the abrassion the day before being untreated, was screaming in pain and for rest on the 3rd day. i couldnt let it rest of course. So I prayed continuously to Him, praying for my little toe to endure a little more(actually it was a lot more) till we reached our final destination. God was gracious, and answered my prayers, through the pouring rain that came in the late morning. I was so grateful, i was just praising Him silently, rejoicing in the refreshing rain, and of course, refusing to wear a poncho. In the end, i was soaking wet, but heck, my little toe was cured and i felt refreshed, cheerful and hyper again.The few hours before, i couldnt be hyper even if i wanted to. God continued speaking, honestly, I have never experienced Him this much before in my entire christian life.He spoke so much , and as I listened silently, literal silence since no one spoke much, an overwhelming sense of fear and trepidation swept through me.I could never fathom the trial i chose.I could never imagine how hard it was, nor the rationale behind it. All I knew then, was that , i was in for something huge, something challenging, a trial that would put my everything to the test. My faith, my endurance, my love for Him, my strength and my tolerance, my capacity to contain pain and hurt, they would all be put to the test. I could only think about it and be struck by its magnitude, but i could never imagine myself going through it and come out triumphant.The conviction came that moment too...so clear, short but profound.
Tears...then..just flowed..they just rolled down my cheeks and i couldnt stop them . I was thankful we were marching in single file, meaning no one could really see my face and that I was crying. I would have a hard time explaining if they did. When we got a chance to rest whilst waitin for audrey to join us again, I took out my bible and search for verses of assurance and comfort. i found something in romans...I cant remember...but yes, they did uplift my spirit a little. I must admit, quite shamefully, i was relying on the sugar in fruit tips to cheer me up rather than God's words. I needed to stop crying, and yeah..fruit tips served its purpose.

My entire life, throughout my childhood, since the age of 7 or 8, up to my early teen years, I was learning to cope with loneliness. It was a constant companion of mine since that tender age of 8. My mom was overseas, my sister living with my aunt to overcome her depression, leaving me with my father and my maid. Father being a man, i could never really share anything emotional with.I turned to my diary and wrote extensively since that age. Friends were many, but few, in fact none, understood that loneliness i felt. I learnt to cope with it, and in time, as my teen years approached, I learnt to like it. Solitude, rather than loneliness, i would call it. The fact that being alone is no longer that strange, that lonely...made me very independent.I could do eveything by myself, everything...to the movies, to lunch, shopping, the bookshops and library, and even back to Vietnam alone. I took the plane alone when i was 12, and it was, haha, some experience. The point en cas is...solitude was something familiar to me.I like it, i know it and i was fine with it. Somehow, during LDC, during that few hours before the rain, loneliness came in wave of attacks.I never felt so..alone before, in spite of being surrounded by my hike group. I was back to being 8, when nobody understood how I felt, or more accurately, nobody could understand what i was going through. There was an insurmountable longing to share, and yet, there was no one to confine in. I cried out to God, I pleaded to Him to let me back out of this, but no was His answer.I felt comforted by the rain, but the rain had to stop, and then again, i felt it was just me, and me alone walking on this winding road. God was above me, God was somewhere, and I couldnt feel Him. The moments after hike were dark and bleak. I needed God more than anything, I needed comfort, a physical comfort and there was none. Loneliness again, came, not as a friend but a frightening enemy. Walking up from the space frame, limping since my toe was hurting so bad i couldnt even walk properly, another surge of loneliness attacked. Gone head were fellow primers, sec 2 and officer, it was just me.In the shower that afternoon i let my tears run in the cold water and hoped that it would stop. Just like the rain that masked the tears, cold water washed them away, but not the pain. It was just fatigue, emotional, physical and mental fatigue...and there and then, the fever that had been brewing since the end of hike finally arrived. To sit through the debrief for hike was a challenge in itself. To take minutes was yet another challenge. I should never have bothered...but i did...and thank God that i did because i was occupied with something, which led me away from straying thoughts. The fever didn't help, and though i was feeling utterly sick , i was determined to conceal the fact from everybody. It proved to be successful, since nobody except my roommates were aware...for once the insensitivity of the guys came in useful. Day 3 was..not another experience. Day 3 taught me much, and day 3 let me see God too in all aspects of His power and might, Glory and majesty. Though he was strict and stern in the trials, He gave comfort, rest and encouragement through the people around me. He gave me strength and a surprising streak of optimism that enabled me to stay more or less pretty cheerful throughout day 4. To be prayed for was comforting, to pray for others was encouraging. To be able to sleep soundly was strengthening and to wake up on time with a clearer mind was a optimistic...I thank You father, for everything.

I wont elaborate day 4, because day 4 was felt by everybody. ididnt have a different experience...i felt God came, not for me specifically but rather for everybody in that room. Day 4 was for the company, for BB, not for me.

June saw the happiest, most life-defining, changing moments of my life, and yet, it brought too the darkest hours, the most trying times and the feeling of utter despair that one could only feel being at the bottomless pit.The 2nd half of june was defining, but not in the way the first half was. It was...very lonely, very helpless sometimes...and very bleak definitely.I remember the very night, the one night when electricity was just cut off and right at the point when i was desperate to blog, to do something about my bottled up feelings.There was no light, i couldnt talk to anyone online, it was around 4 in the morning...and i couldnt wake anyone up...neither could i sleep cos it was too hot..and i could even read my bible.At that point, whats left to do?Pray...and thats what i did.I kneeled and prayed as tears of despair came in floods..That night, was the night i learnt to appreciate light, His light, and the physical light.The light from the corridor of the condo gave me the idea that i could actually get out there and read my bible.Sitting outside my house, i flipped the bible in search of something for comfort...and God led me to Psalms 69.In the Lord I will trust, in my despair I will not turn to the light of God. In the dark, in my hopelessness, in the darkest hours, I seek only Him.In my trials I will praise Him...

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen...to muggers' paradise

2007-07-06T00:10:00.000+08:00

5/7/07

So school started, about 2 days ago.I've yet to adjusted back to the rhythm of school and schoolwork.I'm catching on though.I've managed to stay awake during most of my lessons with the exception of math today..but i should be excused since 80% of the class were sleeping/dreaming away.Haha...the afternoon heat coupled with a long break before the lesson is a lethal combination.

I'm reaping the results of my procastination the few days before, after my CTs ended.Oh well. it's kinda scary to think about all the deadlines and the ENORMOUS amount of work I have to cram in the next week or so but hmm..what to do, you reap what you sow. And then again, I dont have regrets for slacking the past few days...since i would never have that luxury again for the many weeks and months to come. Lemme just list the amount of work i have here.It might help me have a clearer idea of the kind of study schedule im planning for next week.

1.History Internal Assessment (going to be finished in a few hours time)
2.Individual Oral Presentation- No other city-Outside it's just due week 3
3.Theory of Knowledge essay draft 2 due next fri
4.Extended essay proposal due next tues
5.CAS file due next tues
6.Economics Internal Assessment-due..week 4?
7.Revision of whatever that i've not revised for last term for all subjects
8.NDP rehearsals
9.BB Care
10.Mentoring course
11.Tutoring??

If you think they are all easy peasy assignments that can be done in one sitting, i would BEG for your pardon.All of them required at least a 1000 words essay with exception for econs being a 700 words article. The last 3 items being the other CCA commitments that are very time-consuming.Bleah...Hayz...I guess it helps that i'm a workaholic and a pro mugger hahaha.

Hayz...Ive been quiet far from the Lord these past 2 days, not reading the Bible and praying.

Father, I ask for your forgiveness and I thank You for sustaining me so far through the exams and until now.I pray for strength,perseverence and determination to do all things that have to done for Your glory lord, nothing to my name but everything for You.I pray too that i will be able to manage my time and not compromise my time with family and friends.I seek your guidance Lord, in helping me not to be so sucked into this rat race and the load of work that i would forget spending time with You and to reflect on these trials that You have allowed me to go through.May you reign in my life and Lord, please help me to trust in You now more than ever before...In Your son's most precious name I pray,
Amen

Rediscovering Singapore's Arts-TOK Adventure

2007-07-02T20:19:00.000+08:00

2/7/07

Hmm...the title doesnt sound cool at all.I actually wanted a cool title for today's entry because today's been quite a day.I just want to thank God for the day because...what i planned to do didn't happen but instead, by God's grace, more amazing things took place haha.Lets recount my memorable day shall we? =)

I must admit i started the day rather late.Having woken up at around 8 am, I could have been more productive and started work earlier.(Don't ask me why i woke up at such a time during a holiday)Well,anyway, I slacked around the house for a few more hours, waiting until about 11 and set off, with national library as the beginning destination and ending at the esplanade.Ive planned to finish my IOP poem analysis, TOK research and EE research as well.What actually happened?Instead of doing my work in the library which i never set food in eventually, I spent 2 hours at Delifrance on Bras Basah Rd and managed to finish half of the poem.It was really quiet and all,since i was the only customer whose stingy order of an ice mocha and a quiche allowed the staff continuous free time.I was quite productive there, considering i could cover the poem and understand its subtleties underlying the form of the poem.Well, it's a very depressing poem(whats new) and yeah, i couldn't take it after a while and hence, paid my bill and left at around lunch time.

I was actually looking for the national library but detoured to the Singapore Arts Museum(S.A.M) and in the end, as mentioned earlier, never made it to the NLB.I did not regret my detour for a single minute.It must have been God guiding me(since i prayed the day before for Him to guide me through the next day and make it productive) because the SAM was having an exhibition of a chinese painter whose works heavily reflected opinions and ways of life under communism.I was very captivated by his works, and took several notes on paintings i could understand and thought would help with my TOK essay.More exciting things were on my way.There's also an engraving works of the Louvre on exhibition which i took a look.Oh well, not as fascinating, but enchanting and awe-worthy are the explantions on engraving techniques that had been used and commissioned since Louis XIV days.Again, I took notes, but in less details.

I was about to leave the place when the curator asked if i would be interested to follow a tour of the museum.The guide was actually a venezulean volunteer and the menu for the day was Singapore's artists and their different techniques as well as Indonesian and Philippino artists.Such is the pathetic state of singapore's arts appreciation, having a foreigner to explain to us about our own artists...Oh well, praise the Lord for such art enthusiasts, for without them, the art scene would be in even a more dire condition.Well, I agreed to the tour.As a matter of fact, it would give plenty to talk about for my TOK essay, especially now i have a guide who knows her stuff and could provide clear explanation on the paintings.We took a tour and analysed the works of 3 pioneering artists in singapore.Having always been interested in arts,I was pretty immensed in the whole experience.I took more notes, in even more details. The small tour group initially comprised of about 6 later shrunk to the size of just 3 people including myself and a mother and daughter. The little girl was really smart and all, being able to identify elements within the paintings as the guide pointed out.Oh well, the most interesting part of the whole tour was indisputably the works of the indonesian artist Alfandi.His works are..wow..and his daughter's work of defiance against the muslim's rule of man having multiple wives enthralled me.She's the artist,and also the freedom fighter whose struggle against restrictions and rules though limited itself to her paintings, had a far reaching influence on indonesian female artists and women in general.

The latter hours of the afternoon were spent at the esplanade's NBL.It's really a labyrinth for the arts enthusiasts like me.Oh man, i could have spent hours inside there.Ive found my music heaven.I borrowed some really good books on singing and music techniques that are both useful for TOK and my singing.Hmm...what a trip.

Okie..due to time constraint, i will stop here.I'm really grateful to God, now that i think about the day in an entity.He has allowed me to see parts of singapore Ive ignored for a while and the little treasures these places hold.How wonderful a feeling to know the day is in His hands and He has directed and guided me even in my little endeavours.Thank you Lord.You are marvellous beyond words.=))

Youth Sunday

2007-07-01T14:59:00.000+08:00

It's been a succession of wonderful days that were spent in uplifted spirit.Today's service, with worship led by the youth ministry, is really good.I'm not just talkin about the worship, but rather the whole service itself.The message, the right response to trials by Pastor Erik, was timely and ministering.God was speaking.Sometimes, i really just want to get out of these trials that i'm facing.The fact is that i have a choice to run from them made it all the more tempting to just abandone them altogether and seek refuge elsewhere.I guess today's message is God's encouragement to me.I shant go into the details of today, but rather, I'll copy some of the sermon notes, quotes, that i found to be of tremendous help in troubled times like now.

Right response to trials
Text: James 1:1-12
Pastor Erik Kua.

Peserverence can only be achieved when one is tested to our full measure.(v3-4)
Every step you take is one step closer to the finish line.
Don't try to get out of things prematurely.Let things run their course.
Trials and testsa re devine homework so that we may know God better and draw closer to Him.(v12)
(=SMILE IN THE STORM=) (v2)

Thank You, Lord,
for the trials that come my way.
In that way I can grow each day
as I let You lead,
And thank You, Lord,
for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.
'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored.

I thank you, Lord,
with each trial I feel inside,
that You're there to help,
lead and guide me away from wrong.
'Cause You promised, Lord,
that with every testing,
that Your way of escaping is easier to bear.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.
'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored.

I thank You, Lord,
for the victory that growing brings.
In surrender of everything
life is so worth while.
And I thank You, Lord,
that when everything's put in place,
out in front I can see Your face,
and it's there You belong.
-------------------------------------
Books I'm TRYING to read:
Tully
To what end
A woman after God's own heart
The Alchemist

Songs overplayed:
From the inside out
Through it all
When You're gone
All I ask of you
Summer snow

Okie, this is the addition to the morning post since i have about 20 minutes spare before i start my work proper.It's frustrating really...i do have a lot of things on my mind, but every time i start typing stuff here, all the strains of thoughts just evaporated.Well,I've been reading more books and newspaper these few days.I read a random book titled "Why am i afraid to love?" by John Powell.Its random because i was just bored taking a break from my studies, so i browsed through the dad's bookshelf and yupz, the title just caught my attention.Well, its a very small, thin book which i finished reading in one sitting of 30 minutes, yet, it preaches deep and profound revelations.I'll type some of those at the end of this post.

For now..hmm..the random thoughts again.The moon tonight is majestic.It's so beautiful, it made me gaze at it for about 5 minutes or so.I didnt even know it's full moon now.Hayz...the beautiful moon, it made me miss Bintan a lot.How I just wish I could teleport myself back to that little "survivor" island and well, spend day or two there.I dont think i will forget that night anytime soon.The stars so bright and so numerous they covered the whole sky, almost every inch of it.At 4 am, there was no moon nor light to shine off these stars, the entire sky was a magnificent view.God's creation, this earth, is beautiful and maverlous and such, but everyday, it's being destroyed, deteriorating at breakneck's speed.Such is the pathetic, sinful nature of humans...of wanting, exploiting everything and paying little or no attention to the damage they cause.

I have about 1o mins more to rant on.Well, I'm going to do up my study schedule for the week ahead, set goals for the next term and organise my time for the next few months as well.I do have a lot of commitments and yeah, I do want to excel from next term onwards.It's gonna be crazily busy but I'm trusting God for everything.I'm just going to pray hard, seek Him and have faith He will pull me through the trials He has allowed to blaze in my life.There was a time when God felt so far away, and I dont want that time to ever come again.It was the time when suicidal thoughts filled my mind, when my escape was just...death.Now, I wont even allow myself to think of such thoughts, it's scary, and most importantly, it's a very self-centered, selfish thought.I'll go through all of them...I wont escape..and i'll steer ahead with a smile =)

I do seriously want to go to KK this december.But yeah, I'll pray about it from now till then and see if ill have the greenlight, since as Mr Ng said, its the most important thing.I also want to tutor in Crescent and help out in the Rainbow center, with BB and schoolwork to handle, a few mentees to take care of...well..that looks a like a long list isnt it?I'm just afraid that i'll turn into a workaholic again, working in the name of the Lord but in reality just to immense myself in work so i wont have the time to think and care about anything.Thats very selfish of me huh...But yet again...thats been the christine everyone knows...

Okie...work beckons.And its a very long entry AGAIN haha.I think i need to learn how to cut down the length of my entry haha.

What difference a day makes

2007-06-30T02:24:00.000+08:00

29/6/07

Today is probably the happiest day so far since LDC.The later half of June has been very bleak for me, blaqued by all problems...with a lot of challenges and trials that i thought i could never come through.God is however gracious and He has proven it time and time again that He will carry me over the troubled waters no matter what.He has done it again this time.Thank You Lord.You are indeed my shield, my strength, my deliverer,strong tower, my very present help in time of need.

Lets recount today from its very beginning, since its indeed a memorable day.

Well, I was slacking around the house in the morning.I woke up quite early, having slept pretty early the night before.I didnt know what to do but watch tv and had miso soup for breakfast.What followed is just slacking in front of the tv; managed to catch House on AXN...but after a while, even the charms of Dr Chase couldnt really grasp my full attention and so, i decided to watch a korean movie ive bought in vietnam,Almost Love.It turned out to be a comedy, but the again, i never finished watching as well haha.Halfway through it, i was agitated and went to bathe,had a good massage shower.I havent used the salt shrub and other massage stuff for ages.Felt really refreshed and relaxed after that. To keep this post to moderate length, i'll summarise the rest of the morning.I went to Tiong Bahru to try the corn soup in Moss...not bad at all, until i added too much PEPPER (the whole little packet) and had a hard time trying to finish it..cos it was too hot haha.I also bought yet again a pair of crystal earrings HAHAHA.Oh man, I need to exercise some self-control over crystals. I just go bongus over them...

The rest of the morning/afternoon was spent fruitfully,meaningfully in Crescent.Hayz, I love crescent to bits.I came back, unaware that it was their youth day celebration...and hence was a huge surprise for me to see so many friends coming back.The best part was probably attending the concert put up by the teachers; sitting on par with the teachers in one of those chairs..haha...The concert was BRILLIANT.Oh man...I felt then as if i had never left this wonderful school. All the teachers were just so hilarious with their skits and songs and dance items, and of course, the item by teacher newbies was always fun to watch.The best skit, though, must be awarded to the humanities and english department hahaha.They danced to "Buttons" by the pussycat dolls, imitating the same moves some more...oh man..it was HILARIOUS haha...I recorded bits here and there, took some photos using my HP too haha.So many memories of this place flooded back as well.4 youth days...The best was of course in sec 4...Mdm Katini and Mr.whats his name put up an indian dance item of lovers dancing around the coconut trees(the other teachers being the coconut trees haha)...it was of course hilarious...i remember laughing so hard my stomach hurt.Hayz, such beautiful memories...now only to be reminisced.

I managed to catch up with a bunch of old friends who are now in NJ and RJ,had lunch with them and Ms Shervonne, the IT teacher in sec 2.Talking to her about Crescent and ACSI's IT development, I just swelled with pride for the simple fact that i was once a student here.Crescent is currently the official Microsoft's mentor school, the first in the whole world.It will share its expertise with other schools around the whole.It's also the school of the future.A lot of funds from corporate companies are being pumped in for IT infrastruture.Every girl owns a Tablet PC.Manga drawings(drawn used Tablet PC and microsoft's programs) from the girls are displayed and showcased in Microsoft's headquarters as the example of success in their investments in schools with the tablet PC.My almar mater is doing well =)

The highlight of the day,though, was prolly the catching up with various teachers.I managed to see Mdm Ting in the hall, and also told her about her vietnamese coffee haha.I'm going to give it to her on speech day when i'd be coming back to receive a prize.Let's hope its not on 21 july...since its also BB care day...hayz...see how.i really want to come back to crescent and be there to watch the choir perform as well. Hmm caught up with Ms Sharon Goh, my TDP/sec 2 lit teacher.Oh man, had a good talk with her as well, over lit haha.She's asking me to come back and do mentoring/tutoring for lit on days I'm free.I'm really tight this term in terms of schedule and workload with bb and IB reaching its climax of workload for the year at the same time.But I'm also really keen in serving and yeah, just helping out the juniors...I'll pray about it.

I talked to Mr Ravi, sec 4 english teacher...told him about the desire to enter law school and me doing 3 humanities and all.He was really helpful, offering help in terms of my speech and pronunciation, saying if i need prof help, give him a call haha.Oh well, a bit too early for that dont ya think.In any case, I had the assurance from him that i can do anything i want and just go for it man.You never know until you try...And he who applied for law school before would know best haha.I also talked to Mr M.Oh man, I misssseeedd him so muccchh.Bleah...Most of the stuff he taught, i still remember word for word.Looking back, had we not have him as our lit teacher in sec 4, my interest and aptitude for lit that was developed in sec 1 and 2 would have been buried so deep i doubt i would could continue doing it any longer...And of course, my A2 for combined humanities(of which i dunno which one decided the a2 grade) would not have been possible.Hmm...told him about law school too...had the same assurance and confidence Mr ravi gave me.One more fact that made my day and inspired me tremendously: The top graduate in Princeton University for this year is a Crescent Girl.She actually invited Mrs Tan, my A math teacher for sec 3 and 4 to come all the way to the states for the ceremony.That's how much she was grateful for the teachers she had in Crescent.Oh man, if i ever top my university in the future, prolly wont happen, but if it does...I'll prolly invite one of my teachers in Crescent too...and its probably Mr M or Ms Sharon Goh.OH...Ms Goh is MARRIED.hahaha...and just married too..in june.hahaha...finally eh...Happy for her hehehe =))

Well, the afternoon was spent watching fantastic 4 with Alyssha, Gareth,Alsome,Han ann and Patrick.I didnt actually wanted to watch due to various reasons but well, finally decided to come to the call of rescue of Alyssha who was in the only girl until I came.F4 was good, not bad really.Pretty humorous, and I like the ending too.I think, in every heroic movie, love is the one theme that always dominate,and its also the cause for which many of the heroes act.Oh well, love makes the world go round doesnt it?

Hahaha...I seriously dun have any self control over crystals.They have such a place in my heart man!I have a soft spot for them tooo...I bought yet another pair at heeren.Oh yeah, the lady is really kind...she gave me 15% discount although i'm not member.And she actually assured me that she will continue to do the same if i come back to patronise the store. Well, I love the store's collection of earrings...really beautiful stuff...so haha yeah, she can count on me coming back..but not any time soon i think.After Alyssha managed to get a pencil case for her sister, we went back to join the guys whom we had abandoned in the pursuit of unperturbed peace for shopping.I left Alyssha with them and went my own way to Great World to get the hillsong discounted Cds.Another God-made encounter. The lady who was selling was really kind too.She asked about my church service and all since i was buy hillsong cds.Shes actually from Grace's assembly of God..hahah!Its so near Crescent and so near my church too..oh well...it's a small world, or rather, it's a very small island we're living on.I also secured another 10% discount for subsequent purchases haha.Hehehe, aint I good or wat?I think I do have some pretty good shopping skills dont ya agree??? =))

Okie...its a very long post already.Its quite a day for me, to meet so many old friends and old teachers and find new acquaintances that totally made my day.My weeks had been rather sombre, with the atmosphere in the house being so tense and cold...coupled with the hopelessness of every passing CTs and not get into con camp.To add to that, there were few people i could really share whats troubling me in my heart.I'm just very torn.The devil is attacking i think...telling me its all my fault, all my failures that made the situation the way it is..my inability to handle relationships well, my failure in being a good daughter to both sets of parents, my habit of keeping everything to myself...I'm sorry, but, yeah, I'm trying very hard sometimes to deal with emotions.On the other hand, another voice is telling me i should just get into the actions and deal with the problems first.I'm running to God for help, praying on my knees every night before i sleep because i could not sleep with all those thoughts racing through my mind.I just hope my passion, my love, my enthusiam for Him is not sporadic, temporal resulted from emotional upheavals.Even today when I'm rejoicing, Lord, I pray i'll remember to give thanks to you for everything, because its you who have permitted these wonderful events to take place.

Okie...really..enough.I'm really stopping.Emo blogging is no good...and i'm doing it yet again.

Purged

2007-06-28T18:43:00.000+08:00

28/6/07

The common tests are OVER!Finally...And I thought i would never last through it.I just want to thank God for pulling me through every paper,especially for today, the heaviest HL subjects on the same day.God, You are ever so gracious although I'm worth none of your blessings.Let everything I 've done (and I can say i've tried my best) a glory to your name.

Oh well, having said that, it doesnt mean i wasn't suffering haha.I think there were considerable parts of my brain being deep fried. In the end, i felt really relieved, probably for the fact that the slaughter/terror part 1 is thankfully over.It's not for quite a number of my friends so hmm guys, just hang in there man.At least they can come in smart casuals tomorrow and take exams wahaha.Such a joke.

Hayz...Today is my only resting day.Tomorrow is clean-up time for the unbelievably messy study room.It looks like a huge tornado has just swept through it heh.There's also the amazing amount of notes and books i have.I know its a lot but i only realise how much there is now that i've taken them all out and let them lie around haha.Oh well, as i said, term 3 is the term.No more messing around man.I'm quite sick of playing.Time to get to serious with my work and time to own!Hmmm....I really can't stand failing anymore...My level of tolerance for failures has alarmingly increased since my entering ACS.Oh man, it needs to decrease back to O level standard.Yeah.

I'm certain now Im going to drop Math HL and take HL english instead.I've been thinking about it for so long and yeah, this exams well ..kind of confirms it for me.Triple Humanities...weee...I'm excited haha.I'm kissing HL math goodbye.It's been fun man, especially with the portfolio and all, but yeah,It's enough.Math and sciences are really not my cup of tea haha.

Okie, the tv is wailing.I shall go check it out =)

Blessings

2007-06-24T18:30:00.000+08:00

I've been too selfish.I've only thought of myself and no others.My pain is magnified when i zoomed in too much.And I have zoomed in by 200 degrees.

Now I'm zooming out.I don't care how i feel now.People I've hurt need to know i do care.People I've hurt are the people closest to me.I havent written or called my father in vietnam.I dont know how.And yeah, I can use my excuse of having exams...but yeah.How to say sorry and tell him that sometimes, I wish i have just one father.Sometimes, I wish it was him, and other times i was dad John.

Friends, my father, grandma, my mom, who else...people who are there for me all the times, my anchors, but i have hurt them.But sometimes, just sometimes, i wish they understand, it's hard.

I'll pray more for people that need prayers.I'll think about them more and less of myself.I'll learn to deal with problems and pain because there people out there, past and present who have done it, with God's help. I'll praise the Lord for the blessings...like the wallet incident/accident.Thank you Lord, for dear friends(John tay, kenneth, tessa,evelyn,timonthy).I dont know what i would have done without them all.For times when i thought i have no one, God, You show me how much you care, and how much you love this unworthy daughter of yours.Lord, I feel like i'm going to disappoint you even more with this coming common tests, and i'm sorry.But I'm learning, learning to cope, to breathe, to trust in You for everything(and i mean everything).

Erica confirmed with me she would not patch things up with her boyfriend.Imagine my happiness.God is answering prayers.Despite her friends' strong influence, and his persuasion, she's standing firm...alone.It's time she meets her Creator, dont you think?I'm rejoicing.

2007-06-23T01:41:00.000+08:00

Plus de blogging en francais. Je dois repeter mon francais qui est dans un condition pathetique.Le francais, comme tout le monde qui me bien connait, est mon sujet preferee depuis quand j'ai commence le apprendre.Maintenant?Mon interet et le passion pour le francais sont perdant a le rational practique. Je sais pas si j'aurai besoin de francais dans l'avenir, mais maintent, hormis l'utilisation dans l'hotel de ma mere, je peut pas penser d'autres raisons.Au contraire, je peut toujours donner des frais de scolarite apres la BI.Je veut prendre les frais de scolarite de mdm Salin encore.Elle me manque.Peut-etre, avoir une francaise pour m'aider dans mes etudes fera ramener mon interet. Assez de sujet de francais.

Il y a personnes qui auraient ras-le-bol quand ils liront ceci.On comprendra rien.Pas mon probleme. Et c'est pourquoi je veut ecrire en francais ici.Un peu lente, mais tres neanmois efficace.

J'ai relit des entres de l'anne dernier.Je me rend qu'il y a tellement de d'emotions reflechi sur le sujet de lui, c'est pas si bon une idee pour avoir une archive.Je pense trop,c'est la probleme.Je suis trop libre quand je dois etre tres occupee...c'est une autre probleme plus grande.

Ok,Im going to blog in french for the new few days.I'll close down this blog soon i think.Too much info, too much emotions into here.I really dont think.I dont like reviving the archives too, realising its too much of emotions once well hidden and now revealed.I'll just hide them all in, or just put them at the Lord's feet or in the prayer book.Blogging is addictive too, which is bad.Ok.QT and sleep time.I hate myself....and pessimism is really getting to me...God, help.

2007-06-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

Random thoughts and unexpected events

I've decided to be colorful for this post. Not exactly to describe my mood but rather the events and random thoughts that just flooded me these few days. Hmm...orange rocks.

The events first.

I have a new cousin. He's born on the 19 of June 2007. His name? Dang Minh Khoi. Not exactly the best name..bleah...I thought it's really ewwww...But then, his sister, sweet sweet sister Bong named him. Sweet.

One of my youth leaders is getting married next month. Karen is kinda the star-youth leader in Ywav. She invited my sister but not me. I think she's gonna invite the whole youth ministry by just annoucing it at one of the Saturdays in the near future haha.It saves her about 80++ invitation cards.Or maybe...on the 2nd thought, she'll give each cell grp a card. Oh well, we'll see. Haha.Hmm...She and Joel, have been together for dunno how long.I would suspect 5 years ++...I've been wondering when they will ring the wedding bell.Hmm...it'll be a fun wedding...because i can finally wear the dress Mom bought.Haha.How's that for being random.

My sister is going back to Vietnam this sunday. I'm going to church alone.Oh well, It's not the first time. In fact its been like that many times, since Dad refuses to go without Mom. Hayz.He's really suffering here because he really misses Mom.On the other hand,I dont really know if their arguing over my airport fiasco has been resolved. I would really hope it is. Going to church alone would also means more travelling time, of which i mostly use to think rather than revise my work.For this sat, with the looming exams, I would think i'll revise. After all, Robert Frost's poems are really taking an effect on me, a good effect. I just realise how excellent they are only when i got to analyse them deeper in details. Mending Wall and After Apple Picking are competiting to be my favourite, although its not very fair since i've not even looked at Woodpile. I'm ignoring Wilfred Owens and Wole Soyinka...the former, I think we've had too much of him and we've done so many practices on him, it would be absurb to test us again. The latter, Mrs Yeo's attitude about him suggested his stuff are too hard to be examined for this CT.But then again, there's always a probability that both will come out.Well, God, You can always choose to surprise me.(does that actually sound rude???)

My house is in a crisis. First the coup de l'electricite and now the coup de l'eau.Maybe it's God reminding us how much we need to treasure the luxury we're living in, not to take for granted the bare necessities that are considered luxuries by many other less unfortunate homes.I'm trying not to be too reflective. Doesn't work.

I talked to a french colleague of my uncle today.He's here for well, business i suppose. They were looking for my dad but my uncle was also introducing me, saying i've been to france and all.So well, I started with Bonjour. Told him about my trip to Bordeaux, to which he asked "hows the wine". haha.I was so fluent I actually surprised myself.Heh..

If you are sick of the monotone i'm using, im sorry. I'm kind of lack emotions at this point. For now...the very emotional parts.Change colour to suit the mood of course.

How's black for my emo musing. I actually have more audience to this blog than i want.But now, I'm just so used to blogging without the concern of this blog being read.Wadeva man...If you wanna read, be my guest...its not like my blog is the most interesting one around and isnt it too depressing for most people???On the other hand, it hides my obvious emotions pretty well. I dont exactly like to state it obviously in black and white...because well...My emotions are for me to know and for you to find out.Period.(God already knows my emotions and its mostly in my prayer book so there you go)

I have NO IDEA why relationship and relationship stuff just keeps coming at me. Oh man, have some thoughts for the lonely won't you...on the note of the lonely,I just remember the last line of AEOP, is "...and the strong must learn to be lonely."Hmm, I actually like it. It's very true don't you think.

I'm just dangerously calm right now. The fact is that my exams are coming in about 72 hours and i've not even finished studying most of the content.I cant really concentrate...and It's history repeating itself.Does it just mean I really didnt learn anything from last year experience after coming back from europe?I hope not. The situation then was different, but then again, we can always find excuses. We human are superb at that. Me? I'll rather put all the fault to myself.Is it the lack of faith or my pessimistic nature extending its wrath, but I dont really have much hope in passing the CT. Where is the passion, fire, determination,unyielding desire to excel i used to have back in sec 4?I could choose to blame it on the mentorship of Erica, but on the other hand, i had an option didn't I? I would hate to think I'm failing because I'm doing God's Work. The irony is too great for me to accept. How God-honoring is one when she's not even trying to glorify Him in the matters supposedly most important to her now?There's the answer i need to give to Charles, which I really don't look forward to. There are also teachers who will just lose all the faith they have in me.So much for having "a lot of potential." But do they know things I'm experiencing?Everything that could have gone wrong has. Every blessing that could have been given has poured out but somehow, I have this overwhelming sense of guilt that i actually just ignored them all and relied on my own strength. Mouth worshipping God, actions don't match. I have no idea how i can try to bring people to Christ when my own personal life doesn't exactly look enticing at this point. Okay...ENOUGH.

Pessimism and negativism have joined forces and extended their wrath beyond my control. It's just ONE exam...but yeah...I'm not thinking so .I'm thinking of the 30% it constitutes to the final grade. I'm thinking of how people actually look at what i do and find it hard to say they want to accept christianity. I'm thinking of what to actually tell my teachers when i come back to Crescent to receive a prize for doing well last year next month. The irony.It's absurd. I'm just lacking so much faith...GOD!ARE YOU THERE!!!ARRGHHHHHHHHH

Okay, on the lighter note, there's BS, prayer meeting, food rationing, REACH service tomorrow. Hmm...haven't gone for food rationing for a really really long time. It's gonna make me think even more..oh man..this is not good...REACH service though, promises to be good. "Freedom within boundaries". Its theme. Such a pity the timing couldn't be anymore inappropriate. I couldnt successfully invite anyone since everybody is busy studying.Another opportunity squandered.I think, I'll revise my EE stuff after exams, after all AIs and IOP are settled. BB though, is getting more exciting and more hectic...hopefully my EE skills will be honed enough for use by then. I'm not going to bother to explain whats EE. I'm blogging for myself anyway.If you are someone reading this, it would be more advisable to ask me about it. If you are in need of some evangelism skills, and desperate to share Christ (all of you reading this blog should be), you should really ask me.I'm more than happy to share.Its a wonderful tool.To give some evidence, I brought 4+ people to Christ using it. I actually lost count.The wonderful thing, and of course, the flip side of the coin...It's hard to follow up people you converted on the streets.

My sister's way of communication to her bf just makes me want to crack up. Okie, it sounds mean, but honestly...its just...WEIRD.It's too formal to begin with...i won't give examples. i think its mean enough for me to actually blog about this. Then again, its a random thought.

More random thought? Hmm...I might consider going back to crescent to help the sec 4s. I'm passing most of my notes to my dear choir buddie, Alpha.Time flies, she's in sec 4. I still remember the day when i was introduced to her in sec 2. She was of course sec 1.Really thank you Lord for such wonderful friendship/mentorship/sisterhood. She really is taking after me..the good..and the bad..heh.Languages and humanities rock.Sciences stone. Choir rules.Ms Tham is ultra cool.Top of the class is a lonely place to be. Failures are inevitable. God is the Ruler of all. Alpha dearie, follow me all the way to IB yeah?? And if you actually do, you'll probably join BB too hahah.

Even more random thoughts?Kenneth lim and I click. I actually thought i wouldn't get along with him and all...but now?Thanking God for such a nice surprise and a very good friend. Law is the possible path. History is the ultimate subject.Math and sciences are evil. God is good all the time.A sense of humor is very much what clicks us though. Hmm...Thank You Lord, for a friend like Kenneth.

Tu me manque.Il y a des choses que je veut te dire.Mais...j'ai peur aussi. Il y a trop de doutes....et alors, je suis desolee.Tu merite mieux mais moi?Je suis pas prete.Je pense trop, c'est que je sais. Les emotions si fortes qu'ils me faisaient pleurer,mais doivaient etre comprime. Je suis trop immature pour ceci.J'ai pas d'emotions a ce moment. Et le plus important?J'ai peur que tu sois blesse.

Songs of the moment:

Though it all
From the inside out
4 in the morning

Enough said.

2007-06-21T17:26:00.000+08:00

Musings

My blog has been way too depressing. And I'm not that depressed outside. Or so I think...Ignorance is bliss for now.I'm just studying at my own pace, no stress sometimes...I have no idea why i'm so calm this time. Maybe that's cos God is really control, or out of control.Either way, Its bad, because my productivity is low. Anywayyy, today's entry will be about some funny stuff i've observed around me and read about.Oh by the way, my archive actually works. I thought it didnt, but it does. I just checked it and yeah, realised my style of blogging hasn't changed much, since sec 3.The lack of obvious emotions, just sarcastic remarks and short musings...in all pretty standard english and correct punctuation.Haha.

(added on 22/6/07/)

Hmm..i have the habit of not completing my post...and now there are no humorous musings i can actually think of haha.I'll just do a week in a nutshell next post...and some random thoughts.

2007-06-20T18:44:00.000+08:00

A thankfulness of sound

This is written in the concert booklet for an SYC Ensemble Singers' concert "muocaaeyiwcoum" by conductor Jennifer Tham.

"We born to sing. For no other reason could the intricate machinery of the voice-box exist: six pairs of muscles stablising the oft-rocked cradle of three cartilages that adjust the vocal folds according the whim or will. To use the vocal instrument only for speaking would be a tragedy akin to driving an All-Terrain Vehicle round the corner to the local 7-11. For a packet of peanuts.

Thus, as we worry the overtones out of our systems this evening, we are thankful for this natural ability to sing, also for each unique singing instrument-a composite of body,mind and desire to communicate-that augments and amplifies the others to produce the sensuous buzzing sonotities that massage our spirit on and off stage."

My ex-conductor rocks.Dont you see why now? Hayz...i miss her to bits... and i miss Crez choir too. There's a desire to belong to a body of enthusiastic, crazily hyper and music-fanatical choristers...once again. Sigh.

I just found Erica's blog. To think I was called "dear dearrest cousin, to sweet gal"...demoding to just "couzzie and older cousin" as the days gone by...that just amplifies my depression box.

There is an overwhelming urge to blog about my family.But I won't. Just the thought of it makes me tear. I have a lot to do tonight, and no time to be emo/depressed/sad/hopeless anymore. I have God. Though i'm weak, He is strong.

I have the feeling of just hanging on to a bare threat of hope. God, is this how hard it is getting? Is it the hardest part yet? No? If it's no, i don't know i'll last. if it's a yes, I can't say for sure i'll pass. Lord, are You carrying me through? I have only You sometimes now...and soon, You is all I have to hang on.And maybe, that's what You want.

From next week onward, It's just me and You. Sister gone, mom gone, dad might go, Officers gone except for Mr Zhiguang whom i don't really know. Mrs Lui left though. Friends too busy with their studies for me to disturb. There's Sheila though, but shes studying too. Perfect timing, everyone.

Everybody seems to be busy. But You are not.And so, I'll run to You.

Journey
Lyrics & music: Corrinne May

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to You

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know You'll be standing by my side

It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to You
Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will You break down these walls and pull me through

Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To You

2007-06-19T20:04:00.000+08:00

Memories

The previous post was rather messy, because i let my thoughts led.In this post, i will take control.I won't attempt to express emotions but rather let the words do the job. If you get it, you get it, if you don't, too bad.

This blog, created in 2004, had the purpose of being my diary online. It wasnt publicised, but rather, friends picked up the fact along the way that i changed my address and well, one link led to another, most of my friends updated their links.It was abandoned for some time, revamped, abandoned yet again...until it was devoid of all audience but a faithful few, who, eventually, also abandoned their pursuit. I blogged freely with the thought in mind that nobody read it, except a random few who came and went. Today, i'll do the same as i did 1 year ago. This blog wasn't created for an audience. It was for myself, and maybe God. I remember blogging about this topic before..won't dwell too much in it now. Anyway, my prayer book was started on the same year. So the prayer book was for God, and this blog for myself. Today, I'll just blog as if nobody reads, as if my only audience is God and myself, and hence, the deepest of thoughts will run, with me keeping them in check. Christine, are you ready?The journey back to memory lane begins. Sit tight, and hold on; you might lose yourself.

Why now, you ask? Why when amidst all the mad preparations for my looming exams, drawing so near like the ominous clouds hanging dangerously low in the heavens tonight,amidst my worries for all the IAs and assignments undone, i'm taking precious time out to do this, which might cost me hours? The need to cry it out, the need to reflect, the need to understand myself, the need to draw something from the memories to allow me to continue...thats my answer to you. I won't go back so far as my childhood in vietnam.I'll go back to Crescent. The 4 years in which character was built, faith was challenged, love was expressed in abundance, care was given in endless supply, and most important of all, fears were finally triumphed in God's amazing grace.

I came to crescent to collect my O level cert yesterday. If there was one word to describe the experience, it was nolstagic. The bus ride, which I was so familiar with,(275 to the interchange, 132 to crescent) was well, different. I remember the mornings of school, when the bus was packed with girls in bright yellow and blue uniform,away from whom a few lonesome Rgs girls, scgs girls, sji boys and cjc students would sit(though the number of these increased by the year). I always went up, cos the bus is always a double-deckered bus, and listened to my mp3, then wasnt an Ipod, trying to catch some 10 min sleep, or in the days of tests or exams, cramping in information in my notes. It was routine as such, but yeah, even then, the bus ride was memorable. I always struggled with some fear, some thoughts, something...because not all school days were good. Yesterday ride, being in the afternoon, was lacked of any of the mentioned parties. It was just scattered with old folks and well, myself.

The whole area around Crescent registered some memories. Although i see it every sunday morning going to church where the car would turn into margaret drive from tanglin rd, it was nothing like yesterday.The traffic light reminded me of the many times i stood there frustrated in the blazing hot sun of the afternoon, trying to catch a coming bus from the opposite site to go for my french lesson. If I missed it, particularly for sec 4, i would be late.Going up the familiar ramp leading to the school, i saw some npcc girls going home. Someone was also walking up, probably like me, collecting cert, or maybe for some other reasons. I just knew she was an old girl. The guards are the same, the fat lady who used to stop me and Nat from going out to buy food in sec 4, from whom we hid, smuggling illegal food in from mobil, during illegal hours. We always succeeded. The food items? It was sometimes orders from the class, sometimes for ourselves, mainly potato chips, (lays), sour power, drinks, large amount of chocolates and sweets.They were our essentials, closest friends in time of trials..we ate them throughout afternoon lessons in which the temptation to sleep threatened to win over our determination to pay attention.They were always shared...despite whoever that paid for them.

The front office was the same as it was when i was sec 4. It was renovated for our 50th anniversary.The huge picture of Ms Lau, my teacher-in-charge for TDP, smiling radiantly, discussing something with a group of students over the tablet pc dominated the wall. It was of course a posed photo. I myself was part of such photos once.Oh well, mine never made it there. Thankfully. Anyway, the swing door which i forgot was ungratefully still in place. It swung back to hit my hand that was still holding on the other door and oh well, blood spilled on one of my fingers. I wasnt alarmed, still trying to call the attendant lady who was the same, who was attending to one of the girls. It was about photostating of report card... I smiled to myself little;i understood perfectly how it felt...knowing that report cards given out later were always because the students didnt do well and had to see teachers. The worse one does, the higher the authority one sees. I saw the HOD of english, my own english teacher, Mr. Ravi. I wont attempt to discuss what happened, because its just a few posts below. Anyway, back to my finger, which by now was bleeding mad, potentially dropping blood onto the floor. I went for the first aid box, cos the attendant lady was still busy anyway, and i didnt want to dirty the floor. The first aid box probably was asking itself why it was called so. It had nothing inside except a bottle of camomile lotion and some bandage rolls that cant be of use. No cotton wools, no plasters. I had to use my tissue which i realised only then that i brought, to wipe the blood. I was signing my name after collecting the cert with the same hand. I made no fuss about it, whilst the attendant lady was in a fiasco, going for the same first aid box and exclaimed outloud my previous sentiments, complaining about the door. The whole thing stopped when they realised how unbothered I was about the cut. Blood, is after all, intriguing.

The cert, couldnt look any more ordinary. Pun intended. It was green, but it was just some elaminated paper that states my grades. It looks pretty impressive. No Bs. Of course..it was the the exact same grades as my prelims. You might as well tell me that my prelims were my O level grades...cos there was nothing that differed. It states the following:
English A ONE english cambridge
Combined Humanites A TWO english cambridge
Geography A TWO english cambridge
French A ONE french cambridge
Elementary mathematics A ONE english cambridge
Additional mathematics A ONE english cambridge
Combined Science A ONE english cambridge

My purpose for doing this? So that i would remember i suppose, and for my own musing. The 2 A2s are actually humanities, subjects i was supposed to own. Well, I was indeed very disappointed with geography, but wasnt very surprised for combined humanities, as my lit wasnt fantastic thusfar in sec 4, despite it being my favourite subject. Oh well, one truth it emphasised: my God-blessed linguistic abilities. Mr Ravi actually shook my hands, or rather demanded to shake my hands before the results were released. I thought it was about to get 6 pts for 7 A1s straight or something grand, but yeah, he shook my hands because i had A1 for english. He had written in one of my essays submitted close to prelims "christine, you have the potential to achieve an A1 (he underlined A1)..." My essays to that point were always A2s, frustratingly A2s...i was settling for A2 for english, pushing my humanities for all A1. I remember too i was also quite sad because it would mean i didnt have the linguistic ability to become a lawyer. Later on, my essays were well... A1s..only 2 of them mind you. He was probably very proud of the fact that i achieved my potential. I was after all, his most outspoken student, second only to Nat, and probably the few girls who understood his sarcastic remarks. I used to be the only one laughing at his remarks; they were to criticise us, but of course, my classmates didnt understand them, and also, hence, they thought he was irritating, speaking rubbish most of the time. The truth? He was brilliant, extremely sarcastic but extremely caring at the same time,. he was christian too mind you. I picked up a lot of sarcastic phrases from him. My sensitivity to sarcasm also increased exponentially thanks to him haha.

To be honest, I didnt feel anything of typical-results-day sentiments. I didnt feel good, i didnt feel proud of what i achieved, i didnt exactly feel like a failure, but there was nothing exciting or special about it. I saw those grades for prelims...surprise a little wont you? Anyway, i remember results day, smses from ppl in acs, the BB guys, coming in minutes after results were released, asking how i did. I told them without excitement. I remember smsing Adriel "i dunno whether to laugh or cry", to which he replied "praise God!" God was probably reminding me then to glorify Him, and after receiving the sms, i silently said a prayer thanking Him for the results, which probably guaranteed me a place in acsi. People around me would have killed for those grades, but i wasnt even proud of them. Whats with them anyway, just As. Recalling it now, it was my sec 2 wish that my O cert would be nicely all As...now that ive achieved it, nothing about it seems memorable.The cert was thrown into my luggage that contains books from vietnam. I didnt even look at it once upon reach home, didnt even show my family yet.

I'll tell you now whats momerable. Prelims was what memorable. Mid years were what memorable. Ive failed before in crescent, the first in sec 1 for math after which i bounced back and got 19/20, surprising my own math teacher. I only remember that particular grade, the rest now whitewashed in forgotten memories. Anyway, yes, ive failed a few more times since, but i had never failed like this. I had 3 F9s (chem, phy and a math), D7 for geo, C6 for combined humanities, C6 for english, french was not counted. E math an A2, but the emath paper was very easy and everybody scored over-the-roof marks. I was prepared for failures but not to that extent. It was worse when it was black and white on paper. Whatever it was, it made me feel depressed for days. If you could fathom how i felt, you are probably God. There was nothing like that feeling, depression set in even though i was prepared for it. I was back to sec 2s, when suicidal thoughts came though fleetingly.I was also referred to the counsellor i had been in sec 2. Teachers came round to encourage, teachers counselled. Van, my best friend, tried all means, the Bible which she carried around all the time, was shown to me at my ignorance. I was asked to take sleeping pill so i could sleep and not think too much. Thoughts just flooded me then. I remember it so well. If you look at me then, you wouldnt have guessed the grades ive achieved at prelims. I was on my knees, because there was no one else to go to. All my years in crescent, not a single time i was placed out of the top 10 of the class, a good few times in the top 20 of the level. and...from 4th in class, down to 4th from bottom up. The fact was that people expected me to do well. People, friends asked relentlessly for my results, in the spirit of competition. People who learnt of my grade probably dropped their jaws, or had expressions of similar feelings. I was somebody who excelled, all these years, consistently, and then, i was nobody. There was this humiliation of going to REAP sessions, which later i actually liked. At the same time, there were the teachers who poured out endless care and concern, and who showed unwavering faith. "You have done it many times before, going against the tide, you will do the same now." "You can do it, christine, all of us believed you can do it." Did i believe in those encouraging remarks then?Not really. Throughout june and july, i was still struggling with depression, learning to trust God, learning to be that nobody. At the same time, I feel that was a blessing. I had no pressure from anyone, not even from parents, but just my own. After attending the open house for ACSI, i remember going back studying harder than ever with a more purposeful end in mind. It was also a momerable walk with God, how He humbled me to my knees, and how He gently brought me up with such enduring love and grace. Ive strayed far in sec 3, being sporadically enthu for Him, but this time, He was determined to bring me back for good. It was one lesson I would remember for life.

How i did it? I dont remember. I would want to recount the day i receive a prize for improved results during the Farawell assembly for sec 4s. I dont remember the whole event well to be very honest. I cant even recall the theme, but i remember how the banner look like. It was a clock showing time...something to do with that and our 50th anniversary of course. I cant remember the speech made by mrs Lee, I cant remember too the speech made by Lynette, sec 2 classmate and then president of student council. Whatever it was, i m sure the phrase "to leave a legacy" was in their speeches. It was our theme for 50th anniversary. Well, I remember the prize giving part. I only know then, the exact moment i was about to go on stage, ok about 5 mins before that i was the most improved student. The surprise did add to the excitement, which was played up by the mc raising her voice to say "now, the most improved student for the prelims of 2006, with an improvement of 31 points..."at which she made an emphasis of course, to the "wow" i could hear from the sec 3 juniors sitting behind. Well i thought the whole speech was abit overboard but i ran upstage at call of my name anyway, only to realise then the whole school had erupted into a huge applause, with my class giving a standing ovation..they were indeed cheering mad..and i could only took a glance. At that moment in time, what were my thoughts you might wonder...A lot is what i can say. Running up to meet a smiling Mrs Lee, who knew me personally, i thought of the teachers sitting directly in front, closest to the stage. All of them, all who taught me, all who knew me, all who counselled me, were there. I wonder if i made them proud, if they were smiling, if they were proud of the fact that one student whom they had so much faith in, who fell and picked herself up all because it was for them..all for God. Did i thank God? I did. I dont think that historic jump of 31 points would ever be possible without God. He did it, not me. I would want the juniors sec 3 who sat the back and watched all of these happening to know if I could do it, so could they, but with God. They were probably pretty impressed...some of them still ask me now how I did it. Remembering I was once there, down so low at a seemingly bottomless pit, but i triumphed fears, fears of failures, fear of depression, of suicide, to probably show the world God's Glory. I was just His instrument to tell them He is faithful, and gracious, and has unfailing love and forgiveness that surpass their understanding. I helped to achieve God's purpose...Now looking back, that was the greatest joy...

We are ending the journey here, due to time constraint, but before the journey is ended so very abruptly, cos i havent even finished describing my walk around the classrooms. But yeah, wait, one thing. I passed by the TDP board.It was unchanged, not updated. The memories of glorious days of my batch, the first TDP batch still lingered there. I was chosen for the programme thanks to my grades at the end of sec 1..cant remember them, but a bunch of A1s and few Bs and no C..i had no C at all until sec 4 i believe. Oh well, i was among the top 5% of the cohort..pretty impressive. We were called out during assembly one morning. I had no idea what was in store, none of us did, but we went to meet Mr Tan, the jolly, fat but cute vice principal then and Ms Sharon Goh at the Muti purpose room. A bunch of about 20 of us, the top 20 of the level i supposed then, all looking pretty dazed and and excited about having our names called our personally by the vice-principal. Oh well, we were chosen, the chosen ones indeed, the previleged few, selected based on acad results for a newly created project called Talent Development Programme(TDP). One girl did opted out, i was still very depressed, but i didnt know why i just stayed put. The next months ahead were exciting thanks to TDP. We were introduced to philosophy lessons, conducted after class, on tuesday haha..i still remember. I came to enjoy the classes, discussing issues of moral, we did moral philosophy then, exploring Kant's theory, and a bunch of other stuff..basically moral theories, coupled with practical classes of case analysis for which we watched law and order( a part of it), read articles on euthanasia, murders by children, asking the morality of the children , was it nature or nurture... I was very enthu, and was taken in by the whole thing. I love it, and my reflections on such articles always came back with good remarks from Ms Goh, hence further deepened my interest in all things philosophy. Thats how i started by quest to search for the deeper meanings in all things..even the ordinary things. It was also one of our assignment to do as such, take picture of something in the school and relate it to something philosophical. I didnt love philosophy, and i didnt learn that, for most of my knowledge acquired then had ceased from existence. However, i did learn how to question, how to think, and that was why Mrs Lee, who was by the way a christian, embraced the programme. There was also adventure stuff...like dragon boating, rock climbing, abseiling, all of which we had to write relfections on as assignment. We paid not a single cent for those activities. And finally, the epitome of TDP experience for me, the Asean Stories Project. It was compulsory to choose a project to do. Tania and I both went for the thing that we thought would allow us to slack the most since we also signed up for a CIP trip to vietnam. The latter was cancelled due to bird flu. Had it happened, i would be the translator..but ASP would have ceased from being my experience. ASP was larger, much larger than we thought. We worked with undergraduates, scholars to be exact from round the region who had come to NUS for exchange. I felt so young, and small then. I went out with them after meetings at night, and always ended up not paying anything because they would treat me..the little one.I learnt loads....and also there, learnt to be bold despite my age. Yeah...speaking for the IT team to a bunch of undergraduates when you were about 15 was quite daunting. Then there was also mad rush to finish it within 2 months, the launch which was extravagant, at which i made small speech in the presence of all volunteers, supporters and also the minister of education. Heh..i was also wearing something from vietnam...and of course, what remains...the newspaper article in whose photo i was sitting at such an unglam position i could never bring myself to see it.; and the website, the product of all hardwork of 2 months, and a bunch of different people.Its still there on the noticeboard of TDP. www.aseanstoriesproject.org ....i might volunteer back here after IB..who knows.Persis is still in my MSN, and SLC knows me well by the very funny memorable speech i made in sec 3 at their gathering.

Now, is the time, to say something. Yeah, I cant end the journey without mentioning MW. It would be an insult to me and to him not to mention him. He's part of the crescent memories, and he will always be. Whether or not it means something is a totally different story. I lack relationship experiences, but that doesnt mean i didnt know what it was like to actually like/love and have to let go. We knew each other online, through a friend, who introduced me to him. We clicked almost immediately, with him expressing more interest that he should thanks to be me being pure blood vietnamese. How i remember that conversation. Oh well, he actually called the very night to hear how i sound. September..somewhere there, i was sec 1. We would become very close friends,despite not seeing each other in real life for more than 20 mins. There is something about online friendsHip/relationship. He actually helped me with my lit, exclusive notes that helped him, since he did the same book, roll of thunder, hear my cry. The notes were found to be extremely useful by me, getting me an A1 for tests for the book. Oh well, looking back , he said, his notes helped me, not him whenever i thanked him for it. But it was more than lit notes, there were talkin into the night, smsing non-stop..smsing at 12 am and knowing he would reply. When we cant sleep, we would do that...smsed until one of us stopped replying.For sec 2 and 3, we were really closed. I think, to think i was just some online friend, i actually had more importance to him than some of his well, real life friends. I liked him for 3 years, We liked each other and never told each other. It was just 3 years of intense feelings that never materialised into a relationship. We were on the verge of entering into one, but never did. But that doesnt mean we were not closed. I was the first to know he was going to england that year. He was the reason why i chose IB, but of course, even when he had left and denounced IB, my desire to enter ACSI remained. He almost didnt go to england because of me, unbelievable to an extent, but it was very true. And yes, in so drama fashion, i actually encouraged him to go, even though i was sure it would be the end to all feelings, whatever that we actually built..would end. I was right. Sporadic communications, emails that after a while found to be irritant to both parties, and the fact is that we never talked anymore ended it, whatever that was there. He was a christian by the way, and i asked God about the relationship, and i think He showed me the answer with him going away. Had he stayed, i dont really know what would happen. My life would have been very different. The thing was, we were very well, similar people to begin with. We could never stop arguing. No party would give in. I? submit? Hell no. I would walk away feeling frustated more than anything sometimes. And, i was very sad when he left. There was this empty space somehow, the realisation no one to talk to online, sms to when it was 1 am in the morning....it was..painful?. The main thing is this, despite the fact i miss him, my desire to go to acsi that year was stronger than any feelings i had. So, i blocked all feelings that i felt, hid somewhere, all of which in time would vanish without me even knowing it. I was devoted to God, my studies, my overwhelming desire to go to acsi after the huge failure...he was out of that picture. He was actually mugging away as well, new to the environment, trying hard to catch up at the same time since he was behind his mates. He was failing, which explained his frustration in the emails. But was i sensitive enough to understand that? No, of course not. i shut it out and was convinced whatever it was, it should end. And so it should. We were so immature, still so insensitive, so headstrong, and were hurling insults at each other all the time, with intention to hurt and create jealousy. Also, both of parents would have killed us, if not his parents then mine. And I had no intention of going behind my parents back, i was just too scared. Whatever it is, I thank God for saveguarding my heart. Had we been together, I doubt i would have said the same thing about his departure. My heart, being so fragile, would have been broken. I was well, attached, but emotionally not attached. The year that goes on, sec 4, he would still talk to me, after i sent to england a keychain i bought for him 2 years back in NZ and never had the chance to give. I thought it belongs to him anyway, and i had no use for it. I sent it without much emotions attached, but i guess he was pretty touched. No one sent him anything throughout his 1 year stay there. The months ahead saw him trying to patch things up, asking me to go join him in england, saying he would help with all applications.Well, I was...untouched. Whatever feelings i had for him, they had disappeared with the wind by that time. Whatever that was left of it in sec 4, was gone when i ignored them, submitted them to God so i could study. I was pretty tolerant of his randomness, which actually was quite funny, but now, it seems like im not less tolerant. Time let God changed both of us, and I moved on, pretty long ago, and somehow, i sense, he didnt. Do i actually feel anything recalling this? Not a single feeling, not even a smile, not..well..anything could be felt.. Do i have regrets having liked him and let him go? Probably in my dreams i might just do. Hell no. It taught me quite a bit about actually having some sorts of feelings for someone and well yeah, some kinds of relationship so to speak. Dont get me wrong, i think he makes an excellent friend, a very good friend that i know i can always scream "YOU SUCK" without having to think twice whether it was hurting cos...he would scream back in about 1 minute "YOU SUCK TOO". Our conversations are dominated with capital letters which mean shouting. Yet, he helped me with my econs essay at the beginning of the year, being the encourager for me to continue econs, and of course, his visits to acsi. I think, we would make very good friends. Somehow, beneath the randomness of his conversation, the fact that he remembers a lot of details i dont, seem to suggest to me something more than just randomness. Oh well, i wont dwell on it, because, i'm sorry, i've moved on. I'll be friends, and i think we should stay there for the many months to come when he would be back to singapore, having completed his A level. I'm keeping him in prayers for his As, but yeah, that is all to it.

Hmmm..relationships problems galore these days, sheila asking me about hers just this afternoon, more people coming to me to tell me something about theirs, i dont know if they actually know that im quite bad at this. I lack all emotions, i dont even feel anything after 3 years. And I truly thank God again. My heart, apart from the cracks here and there thanks to its own little quiet endeavours, is still pretty much whole. I dont have any intention of having it broken in the near future. I just believe that, ive been too customed to being by myself, having to deal with loneliness and all, coupled with the fact that i like solitude. I think i can definitely stay single.Its lonely at night, that i know, since i experienced that in sec 4, actually longing for someone just to be there so i could run to... Telling that to my youth leader didnt help and she asked me to turn to God, which I did. Ive topped having that longing feeling for some time now. I totally dont feel anything, and the fact is i can go shopping, to the movies, the beach alone. I like it that its just me, and i could think about a lot of things. Sec 4 was well, just me and God. But even before that, there was never the need, or rather overwhelming need to be with someone. 16 and 17 passed me by without much of a heartache to recall. This year, Adriel, well, adriel is pretty special in the sense that God taught me something through liking him. i would rather put the word like, cos i doubt it was love, though, i think i was pretty committed. Hes still in my prayers with the rest of the primers and yeah, thats all to it now. Looking back now, I do feel something, a mild sensation, but, that's all. The truth is i could block all feelings for the sake of ambitions. God is now teaching me something about that. My tutor once commented that i would just need a husband for comfort and that i would be able to earn my own money anyway. True...to a certain exent. You know what, Im actually scared of myself, the fact that i dont feel much, lacking the sensitivities when interacting with others, and hence, bringing a lot of problems if i do actually in the end get attached. I can go through all pains, its ok with me. But I dont like it if someone goes through that pain for me.MW probably doesnt, cos of his huge ego and pride. But if someone actually does in the future because of this, i would feel the overwhelming guilt.

Sheila..hayz...sheila dearie. Shes thinking way to much about it. And of course, if you were her, if i were her, i would. Shes being attacked by his close friend who is comparing herself to sheila and knowing she surpasses my friend in a lot of areas. Nic's brother actually said that comparing her and sheila is like comparing something and something else...what insensivity is that. To think she has to endure of all this, and of course, she still thinks good of his close friend, believing that shes just pure jealous. Well, I'll pray more fervantly for her.She's strong and of course there is God who is always strong.I just wish when it's my turn i dont have to go through something like that.As tough as i sound, when it comes to giving in, with my firm belief in love have to be free, I would probably just let go. And of course, comparision does get to me. I probably be worse off than sheila, since i'm not too sure i would stand up and fight... Lets just hope it wont happen. Anyway, BB rule safeguards me from all heartache as of now. After that, its just 9 months to depature for wherever i want to go. And well, i doubt something will happen, though, God might surprise me nevertheless. Im leaving it all to Him. This kind of thing, is way to much for me to handle.

The journey ends. Crescent without all these memories is not crescent. Crescent didnt nurture my faith, but it definitely challenged it, it a good way. I think, to go through the portal of crescent and come out triumphantly, the girl needs a lot of strong will, and definitely needs God.

There is satisfaction is knowing i have said whatever i want to say. This entry, is, the longest by far. I think it will win the prize.Back to mugger room, with my dear wonderful hitler and chemistry, and french too. I have a date to catch. See ya.

2007-06-17T15:47:00.000+08:00

Trashing

The time is 3.48 pm according the clock on the computer. I have about 15 mins to trash it all out....at 4 sharp i'll start work..my mad dash to finish everything history related so i can actually move on to another subject. Okie.i'm just gonna let my thoughts take control and lead me to where they want me to go...HOPEFULLY my pathetic, failing typing ability will be able to catch up.here goes.

Hmm..the first thing coming to my mind right now is actually a comment by XL on friendster.It was quite surprising when i received it. I didnt send a comment back to reply cos well..i didnt know what to say. His comment was an attempt to apologise for the very bad direct hitting he made me take before LDC regarding worship. I was really quite pissed off that night, ignoring the email but at the same time, checking it every now and then to readjust my worship songs.The worst thing was it was sent to every one in the ldc com then + officers..so yeah, it made me feel really quite horrible about my own ability to lead worship, choosing worship songs then. Oh well, i didnt take it personally then, just thought it was quite discouraging, but he apologised during ad party, so it was really ok..but somehow it doesnt seem so. People coming to me after my worship session telling me the song choice was perfectly fine just added fuel to fire..my own fire. Oh well, XL is a super nice guy and all, but yeah...he and I dun really click, so i'm asking God to hmm...help me forgive.Hayz...Lord, really, if i'm hammering this in my heart, I'm giving it all to you, please help me just surrender this small matter to You and mend the friendship btw me and XL. I really dun like this...argh

Next,..hmm thanksgiving!Today i went to church after a really really long time (3 weeks) of absence. Hayz..i wish i could be more involved in my church. i think its a really a wonderful church with a wonderful team of leaders who really dedicates their work to the Lord and is leading the congregation in the right direction. Worship,led by Paul, was really good. We sang Knowing you, a song familiar to me and the officers but new to my church, so i was singing it louder than anyone else.I just felt very revived and ministered after worship.I really could feel God's presence in sanctuary.My church's worship team is really good.Hmm..to think i was once part of the team..nvm..that's another one i'll trash out later.Hmm..today message, thank You Lord, You are ever so loving and understanding and caring...i'll use all my vocab i could to describe this lol..really..Today's message (or rather this month's theme) is MENTORSHIP!Wonderful huh? Here i was, just yesterday night, the previous post, asking God how should i mentor Erica and a number of other juniors (BB and Crescent), am i adequate or qualified to be a mentor despite my age and all. He answered today, and provides means for me to do so. The message was just really..wow...God's words to me so personally...How mentor should be just a big bro or sis who has more experiences and skills in certain areas and could impart to the younger ones...and how one should take risks, see the potential in the mentee, trust God, empower the mentee with clear guidance and instructions...All the things i need to know was laid out in clear steps, provided with verses and examples from the Bible (paul and timonthy, job and barnabas). Moreover, there is a course on "reaching the heart of your teen" organised by my church. its really gd...looking at the flyer..i think I SHOULD sign up..although i'm not a parent =P yeah, its for parents but well, i'm dealing with a very rebellious teen and i think it'll be of use when primers take on the role of mentorship nex year. anyway, we are mentoring the sec 2s...who are teens and can be rebellious and all...God is so wonderful!Hayz =)) God, THANK YOU!I just love You more and more each day, and just every so grateful for your providence, your care and love in all areas of my life.You laid the challenge, but you also provide the grace and help i need Lord. Just help me to serve you and remember to give praise to You for every blessing you pour out. Its all for Your Glory=))

Okie...time check..4.07 haha..I FAILED. but sorry, i really need to blog, or else i'll be wasting time at my study table anyway..oh well...4.30!okie we continue.

I catched up with Sheila!Yeah..Sheila dearie =))My bestfriend since PRIMARY 5!I just had to talk to her...so we had a girl talk session right after service...I just poured out my heart...my conviction and my trial God has chosen for me ahead...my heavy heart is just lifted(well actually it was kinda lifted yesterday but anyway, i still need to talk). We had so much to talk sheila suggested we go for lunch and yeah..so could have more time to talk =P On the way to the MRT, i just thanked God silently for a so wonderful friend He has provided since the hay days. Primary school classmates(bestfriends), sec sch..the troubled times..cell mates(still are) best friends still..NOW...still cell mates, and confidantes, and BESTFRIENDS =)) Hayz..shes one in a million...anyway we talked about a lot..she was sharing about her relationship and all...how God is very gracious and amazing in their relationship, and also how much she was challenged with, and yeah..Its really very heart warming to see her grow in it..both of them as a matter of fact. God blinded him from seeing that she likes him so that he could be sure of his conversion, that he wants to be a christian for God....he was a non christian and all, but yeah..now hes growing in the lord with her help, so sweet huh..Its like korean drama =P The two are not exactly together, cos they are scared..and they just give it all to God and let Him take them where He wants..hayz..the future is so uncertain...hmm..I'll definitely keep them in prayers..Sheila especially,since shes facing so many attacks from his ex-girlfriend to his close childhood friend, hayz..aiyo..really korean drama =P Haha Sheila dearie,if you're reading this, SMILE okie =DD Just remember you have the HEART and CHARACTER that surpass all earthly beauties and talents.You're a perfect creation in God's eyes =)

Okie...6 mins more..I'm QUITE satisfied...I havent finished trashing out everything actually..like my studies..and hmm yeah..there you go..the thoughts on my studies are coming back.Ive been thinking about it wayyy to much i think.Law, PR, hotel admin..international relations...the 4 choices of career i can see for myself.I really would love to do law..somehow, theres this great burden for family law and maybe human rights..but yeah the former being the one i'll probably major it. Its not like cos there are more divorces in the future and thats why i'm going there =P bleah...i just really feel that maybe as a lawyer, i can influence the choices of the couples, counsel a bit..being a victim of a so-called broken family and all...parents divorced and remarried..i know it best i think.Its gonna be quite depressing..but yeah, whats new...ive faced depression every turn of my life I'm getting used to it.Hayz..theres so much doubt about whether i can actually get into law sch,esp king, the one i'm quite convinced God is speakingto me about..but yeah..TRUST. ARGHH...God, if thats what you want me to do, what you call this child of yours to journey through, you would make the providence i cant comprehend. Lord, just help me trust in you and leave everything to you and your great plan i cant see just yet. I'm just having so many doubts..Lord..just calm my heart...I'm leaving every doubt at your feet, please just take them all...

okie!4.39..haha i failed AGAIN! Anyway.. i feel quite good now that some stuff is off my head..but more stuff..should i just extend it until 5 and yeah, just blog to my heart's content??lol yeah....I still have things to trash out..

Like my HEALTH. hayz..My throat is not exactly at its perfect condition despite almost 5 days of med. I completed the antibiotics although there was one day i forgot and delayed it but i finished everything except cough syrup...which was nearly finished anyway.AND...the phlegm is still there. Irritating...Im still preserving my voice as though i'm a chorister.Hayz, i do miss choir a lot. I think i'll have to do something about that. My entire body has conditioned itself since sec school so i could sing..like i use my diaphram to breathe instead of chest like most people..sometimes my breathing really comes from the region below the abs..4 fingers below the belly button haha..ms tham's words still rang in my ears..hayz... And yeah, like i still use my hands to straighten out my spiral cord at the neck so so that my body is perfectly straight, and i always straighten out my back when i sing, whenever i sing as matter of fact. I treasure my voice, because despite my lack of knowledge in bio, i do know the vocal cord is 1mm by 1cm in size..super small..and held balanced by 6 strings of muscles...something liddat haha..anyway, its a delicate INSTRUMENT , if not the most complexed and delicate to be exact. So yeah, breathing from hip..err or somewhere there, using the biggest muscles in the body(the one that wraps around the hip), helps the vocal cord and strengthen your breathing which in turn amplify and support the voice by tenfold. heh. Hayz..I'm still very much a chorister.

Worship...hmm..another huge sigh...I wanted to serve there, used to serve there, and still want to serve there now.Its the only place, beside the evangelism/EE ministry that i think i would be of greater service to the Lord. I really need to humble myself, seek God more and yeah..ask for strength and conviction to serve..cos theres a clash btw BB and church, and BB is keeping me away from my dear fellow EX-CONVICTS..our cell group that was once/maybe still is the anchor for my faith. Very amazingly, we have 3 BB boys & girl now haha...i can totally understand what Zach was talking about a few years back only now...AQ, Hike, Parade..Zach was very on for BB as well, so was YQ,the 2 of them then...YQ is still on, in fact YQ is the only primer in the 60th Coy..haha..hmm i should support him in prayers too..fellow primer after all. BUT then..we'll trash him during primers challenge WAHAHA...i'm feeling a bit evil hehehe =P

OKie...I REALLY need to stop..and yeah..i'm feeling a bit more satisified haha...okie..this post would be in contender to compete as the longest post.Hahah my bintan, unfinished post is still the leader.Okie, I'm satisfied enough to actually long to see MY STALIN now..hahaha=P.

back to mugging room and my promised-to-kill-alot-of-brain-cells mugging session =)))

2007-06-16T19:08:00.000+08:00

Vietnam-God's nudge in the hip

I refused to blog about vietnam for days , only coming to do so now that i couldn't stand it anymore.There are so many things to reflect, to ponder and most important of all, to learn and take away from. My heart feels really heavy right now;there were strings of thoughts which seem to vanish every time I decided to sit down properly and record them. My initial plan was to postpone this reflection until i'm done with my excessive amount of mugging...but it seems God is not patient this time. So, though i'm drained from mugging history, i will try my best to do a substantial recount of events happened that need to be reflected upon extensively. Normally, this kind of things go straigth into my prayer book...but for this time, i would do it here...writing takes too long, and by then most of my thoughts would have found their freedom.

It started well, or so i think. Day 1 being recounted below, and reread by my for 3 times now, doesnt scream "attention!". Day 2 was better than day 1. If i could illustrate it with a graph, it would be a TPP curve.(too bad if you don't take econs). Day 3 increasing in an increasing rate, day 4 on increasing in a decreasing rate and day 5 being the peak. day 6 and 7 and 8 are downward sloping parts of the curve..oh man..what is this..I'm supposed to reflect...not revising econs here! Anyhow that was the mood in an entity. Let's recount the good points first...

Sharing with/understanding Erica/sisterly bonding almost- If there is one thing I think God would want to me to treasure most out of the entire trip, it would be this tie that i have very much been blessed with. Erica and I get along well...in most matters and we are tolerant of each other. Despite the 3 years difference in age, we were really closed for most parts of the trip..almost to the very end to be honest. I think we have a lot in common, and a lot of differences as well. I realised...although we live on the same little island, we live in two very different worlds, the social worlds that is. I guess she knows it too. During my sharing, she normally remained really quiet,with a thoughtful expression on her face, occasionally asking questions regarding the parties involved in the story. It made her think i suppose, and i guess that's what my little antidotes on ACSI life are supposed to do =S My so-called counselling happened very spontaneously..I mean i planned for it to be at night, after work, after studies..but they always happened during work and during studies =S. Heh...Either way, after about 4 to 5 days of counselling about the SAME stuff, i realised i couldnt get them into her head much further by repeating the darn points, so i stopped. I didn't/don't know if that was the correct decision...cos sometimes i still feel guilty not having talked as much as we could have. oh wellz... And I haven't had her to seal the deal with me to stay single until Os are over...hayz..

Recounting this one made me feel like a failure really. There are many other things now that i think of it which made me feel like Ive really failed this "mission."I was supposed to take care of Erica, who, in BB standard, would have been my junior(3 yrs diff). I didn't do that very well, considering the last day and the 2nd last day. Even now as I think about the mad dash shopping sprees we made, It struck me quite heavily that I'm really not that mature, really inadequate, so very hyper (childish) still...how does that qualify me to be her mentor anyway?? I was quite confident amidst fears and nervousness when accepting the challenge. Was that confidence man-made, stemming from pride and my own strength? I guess so. Pride...is one word to summarise the whole point.I was reminded by the Spirit a good few times in many occasions, after which i did check my behavior and attitude..still...it manifested too much.

okie..i'm gonna post this one so i can start another one in which i'll TRASH OUT everything. Bleah..i'm dying..i feel like if i dont write/blog or scream it out somewhere, i'll just explode..and i can't study cos there are just TOO MANY straints og thoughts racing through my head at the same time.. okie..that's it for this post.

2007-06-12T02:13:00.000+08:00

Quick update

Wow i really have about 5 mins to do this...

My work days are getting busier and busier, with sunday topping the chart for most no. of guests checking in and out. Oh well, I'm not complaining =) the more the merrier as a matter of fact. Receptionist is very boring job if there isnt any guests. On the other hand, it's extremely interesting if there are many =P Haha...Ive met and talked to so many interesting people, coming in from different places around the globe (we dont have a single local guest in the hotel). Thanks to my fluency in english, viet and somewhat french, i could communicate with ease with most of the customers. I can't really do the admin stuff with the comp cos its in viet and i'm slow in reading viet but i can do the talkin =))

So far, Ive met 2 cute american couples who are travelling through asia. one of them gave me a book they have finished reading and souvenirs from sapa cos they bought too many =P heh..so wonderfully nice of them...oh man..Im gonna treasure the book =)

There's this australian ex-pathologist who now is the CEO or rather director of the Doctors' Association at his town. He did some charity work in hmm...cant remember the province bt somewhere in the middle of vietnam, providing technology and money..really nice of him. He looked so rugged, i could never have imagined him being a doc..heh.

Most interesting of all...4 men aged about 40 malaysian cheena who booked 4 rooms =I Go figure...of cuz something suspicious is happening...anyway they asked so many questions...change so many rooms it was very amusing. I cant exactly describe what happened, but trust me, they were free entertainment for me and Erica =pp

My studies are getting better..productivity varies but yeah....its getting a lot better and i'm covering more and more each day. I just need to get around doing my history IA now...oh well..tomorrow I'll start..by watching the film again =)) and finish the book =((

Okie...i really need to go do QT now, tmr i need to be at the kitchen by 6 again and tmr, i might have a day off cos there is a inspection for star rating for the hotel..now that reminds me to pray for mom and all staff. My coughing is getting a bit more...reminding me to take med..lol thank you God, you are just amazing in every little ways =))

Hmm...havent received updates from mission team for 2 days..so I'm just gonna pray in general again.Okie...thats about all.Laterz my dearies =))

2007-06-08T22:46:00.000+08:00

Work, work work

2nd day in vietnam!Let's go back about 13 hours ago and relive my glorious day =P

I woke up at hmm..about 5? By some accident Erica's alarm rang really early and for really long..=P It woke me up...i think she didn't set her phone to local time. Oh well, I was woken up like...4 times and realised it was still early. Anyway, we finally woke up at 6, with me calling Erica to get out of bed at least 5 times. We both agreed that we should wear something comfy to work in the kitchen, so we settled for short and black shirt. By the time we reached the restaurant's kitchen, most of the food for breakfast was well ready. So we realised to actually help the 2 chefs, we need to be down by 6 the next morning. Nevertheless, we did get to learn some cool stuff like cutting onion and tomato. It was really cool, cos ive never seen the professional way of chopping tomato and onion before. Tomorrow promises to be exciting at the kitchen!

Our shift at the reception only started at 8 so we decided to go back up and change to our formal attire and eat breakfast. Breakfast was...sumptuous!I LOVE BREAD!oh mee goodness!!The bread was the next best bread to the one Ive eaten in france. Ive never eaten such good bread since the french days. I ate like...2 loaves, small ones of cuz. There is also this super nice chicken stew in which i dipped most of my bread. There was also tuna, ham and sausage meat, all of which tasted excellent with bread =)) Erica really loves the ham and tuna haha...she went for like 3 servings of it =P Oh well, today the med didnt taste so bad cos i had fruits and cake to eat after it so the bitter taste was washed down.

After our breakfast, our shift at the reception started proper. Nga was with us but later she was busy with the accounting stuff and went down, leaving Nhu to stay and train us. There were really few guests coming in/checking out in the morning so there was really nothing much for us to do. Guests only started to come in one by one at about noon time. They all have made reservations, and they all were singaporeans =I I talked to the 2 groups (1 couple and 1 family) and took them around for touring of rooms.There goes the opportunity to tell them i'm singaporean too =)) Oh well, i felt a lot more useful by this time cos they started to get more friendly and comfortable, knowing i'm a their countryman(or woman). They started asking about the places to eat, where to visit in the day and stuff like tat...and about my staying here..haha oh well..it kills my boredom so i really welcomed that.

Over the course of my shift, i was intro to like...a lot of guests coming from very cool places, like Bulgaria(this old man), another old man from Italy, a group from south africa..haha..oh well more to come tomorrow it seems =))

Okie..the afternoon was uneventful. Went for lunch with anh Thanh who treated me and Erica to banh xeo. It was good, despite the full stomach i had from a huge breakfast i managed to eat quite a bit. Erica also enjoyed the food i think. On the way back we picked the bread for tmr's breakfast and he bought us dessert which was this coconut jelly that is really nice haha.

My study regime is supposed to start in the afternoon which i did. However, whatever it was...the food or my running nose...or the lack of sleep from the night before..i just felt super tired and hence decided to sleep for 15 mins after which Erica woke me up. I managed to study some of Lenin's rise to power in 2 hours. bleah...my productivity is SUPER LOW.I really need to study a little faster to be able to follow plan timetable.

After my 2 hours of hist, me and Erica went into our chitchat session, where she was sharing with me and me her about our BGR experiences...it's quite interesting to listen to her side of the story. i silently decided that my parents and her parents have overexaggerated the seriousness of the situation. The fact of the situation is that Erica is still a very sane, nice, sweet gal and still does know whats right and wrong. Shes got her moral values right, but just very easily swayed by others.Her parents didnt help much by letting her do everything that she wants without even counsel or advice.They should have objected her going sted, cos thats where most of the problems lie. Bleah..and she still complained she doesnt have enough freedom...my parents would have killed me and my bf if i have had one in sec 2.

We went out for dinner at a jap restaurant, for which i wore my newly bought dress/blouse which is SO BEAUTIFUL! heh..i'm very proud of it...its really pretty. I'm also happy! the jap food was excellent stuff...best jap stuff ive eaten. I'm fully satisifed =)) we went for ice cream and then walked back to our hotel.

Hayz...Ive shared my conviction again...each time sharing it gets a bit better...God is confirming it with me or what...God has not been silent since the hike...I could distinct his voice very clearly now. Theres so much about vietnam that God wants me to see...beyond the facade of the buidlings, the people and all, there something spiritual i need to understand it seems. I'm trying to commit all i am to Him again...Sometimes I feel i'm really not walking the talk, and then i realise i really need to ask for forgiveness millions more times.

Lord, Thank you for having blessed my family and my relatives in this country Lord but i pray that too that lord you will watch over this nation and guide the hands of the leaders Lord. I want to commit Vietnam into Your Mighty Hands and pray that You will build your altars here Lord. I also want to pray for Erica, Father. I thank you for the opportunity to know her better and to understand her Lord and I praise you for the wiser choices she had made Lord. I just pray that you will open her heart and let her be receptive to the gospel that I would love to share in the near future Lord. I pray that you will guide me and give the wisdom to seize the chance to do so Lord. I also want to commit this hotel, Elios into your hands. I thank you for the work you have allowed to be done by my parents and the people who have contributed to building of the hotel Lord. I pray that you will watch over the hotel and all its functioning Lord. It is yours because you are the creator of everything Lord. Blessed be your name Lord. I pray all this in Jesus' most precious name,

Amen

2007-06-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

VIETNAM!

Yay!haha I'm finally here at my mom(my family)'s hotel!!Its really nice!!Yeah I love it man. It's a class above the rest of the hotels around it. I'm really proud of my very very wonderful mom and my dad and all my extended family members =DD Hayzz it's so good to see mom again!Oh yeah, MY ROOM ROCKS!weeee its the delux room at almost the top level (level 9) and its spacious,has big comfy beds, exquisite designs for a private hotel, ultra COOL bathroom(square bathtub) and fully equipped with cable tv. I'm so dead...it's not exactly mugging-perfect condition haha. But who cares!I'm not complaining, that's for sure =))

Let me just recount the entire day. It's been quite a day too actually. I slept at 4.am, after a desperate attempt to pray and do QT. At least the verse slipped into my brain (Hebrews 12:1-4) and the message behind the devotion was absorbed some what. I tried to reflect upon it but at 4 am in the morning, with a body so tired it was practically screaming for rest, the reflection was cut by at least 70%. I then tried very hard to pray at kept awake. I prayed for vietnam, for my cousin, for marc and the mission team, thanking God for LDC, sec 2 dearies ans finally poured out my troubles with grasping the reality of living the conviction God has given me. So many things to pray, yet my mind only managed to stay awake for 10 mins. I tried to squeeze all those stuff in, and obviously it wasn't very effective. Most of the 10 mins went into praying for vietnam and my conviction =S

Despite the maddening sleeping hour, I was wake by 7.45! bleah...I would love to sleep for some more, but my throat decided to take over the alarm clock and woke me up with incessant coughing. My alarm only rang later at 8 =S The cough was really bad though, my throat felt immense pain everytime. Hayz... Anyway, at 8, I realised i really needed to wake up proper and pack in the stuff for missions so i could make a visit to the doc and be in school by the planned time. I had prepared the day before the books and clothes, so i only needed to put them into proper plastic bags. I found some very interesting books that i didnt know exist in the house the night before haha. I gave away quite a number of RD issues. I was thinking whether i should give away my precious newsweek issues but in the end decided against it. RD is ok, cos it was bought with dad's money =P but Newsweek is special, cos i only bought issues i really wanted to read about and i paid for them with my own money. I really didn't have the heart to give them away. Anyway, Newsweek is a bit too cheem for kids who just learn english isnt it??

I left the house at around 8.30 for the doc, making a detour to withdraw money. The detour turned out to be a bad decision cos the queue was super long at the doc. I waited for almost 20 mins, and only saw the doc himself for hmm 5 mins max?? How ironic..bleah...the med cost $50, which is a lot...but yeah..he gave quite a lot of med as well..fever, headache,antibiotics, cough syrup, phlegm and running nose...By the time i went back home to get the mission stuff, i was really tired, thanks to the running nose.

I decided against taking a cap despite the pretty heavy bags of books and clothes. I just felt very guilty, having spent so much money shopping the last few days..so yeah..i'm trying to save as much as possible now. Anyway, taking bus gave me the time to think about a lot of stuff and to listen to my dear dear Ipod. Nowadays, I tried not to think too much of it...cos it's really draining my mental energy and hence physical, and it's taking too much of precious time. I'm just surrendering to God everything now. I can't do this without Him, I really can't. It's so hard, so tough that i might die...I hate failures...and i don't want to fail this challenge...and I'm banking on God's ever sufficient grace and mercy ,strength and love to pull my through. I'm scared, but i'm not discouraged. I'm week, but i'm not broken. That's for very sure.

Anyway, I reached sch a bit later than planned but the admin room was open by then .I think the mission meeting was pushed forward or something cos all the admin guys were already there and the sec 2s were arriving. only 3 3 of them anyway. I went to collect my books from my locker and realised there were a lot of them! Oh welll..,managed to pack them up nicely in my backpack and carried the files by hand...together with the histroy and chem exam booklet. When i came back to admin room, Marc was there, so i just explain to him and stuff, and gave him the book on europe in which i had slipped in the bookmark i wrote the night before(or rather early morning). Mr Allen Lee was also there, so i told him about the girls' hike stuff....haha we are nice enough to agree to donate/sell back to the company for next year's badge. oh well, money is only to be collected at next parade, i was happy,less work for me =)) bleah..somehow i've become the official girls' I/C or something...everything regarding female primers always seem to go through me...

Hayz..I was feeling utterly sick walkin into/out of the school. I was really really tired, prolly cos of lack of sleep and the running nose that had taken over the sore throat in reminding me im sick. Hayz...at least no fever =)The journey on the bus home, i slept through most of it...being so tired and sick. At the bustop which i alighted to chnage bus, an angel in disguise appeared. I realised i didn't have enough coins and needed to to exchange notes for coins. When this old man saw me failing to do so with a lady, he just walked up to me and offered to change my note for me =))) I was sitting down some more, and he just so willingly took out his well-hidden coins and exchanged them for me. Isn't that an angel sent by God or what...It made me feel so blessed, so wonderfully taken care of by the Almighty One. It gave me a sense of hope in a society so deprived of time people hardly every made time to help loved ones, let alone strangers. This old man proved it wrong. God, You are so ever amazing and kind, a provider in every situation =))

Upon reaching home, it was just a fury frenzy of last min packing. I had to change luggage cos the one i packed into was way too big. And I had so many books to pack in it horrified everybody in house, but me. Hehehe...i knew it's gonna be a lot just by thinking about the workload and the amount of knowledge i need to absorb/reabsorb/understand in these final weeks of the hols. Bleah...I'm depending on God again..I can't do this myself again, so much so so much work it seems as high as mount Everest...how do i conquer it but with God's enduring strength.

Well...the airport was uneventful..oh yeah...I slept through take-off, the first time i ever did tat..bleah..I slept all the way till meal time when i realised I was practically famished and starving. The food was not bad at all, well i was hungry but it was really not bad. The service in Vietnam Airline is improving by quite a bit. The food was really satisfying. I slept again after that, slept in the car on the way to the hotel as well...geez...ive never slept so much in rides before. Excitement of being back in vietnam only came when i was in the car and not yet managed to sleep, and when we arrived at the Hotel. oh yea...i've never travelled back to vietnam with so many people before as well...bleah...alloytius made a freaking alot of noise..fortunately my room is at least 7 storeys apart from his..or else i'll just die.

Okie..The restaurant food for dinner was good, the hotel staff is friendly, i'm liking my workplace already!oh yes, I'm starting work proper tmr at 6.30 hahaha =)) I'm looking forward to that!!Oh yeah...hayz...the med stuff i just started to take is bitter., super big in size and super a lot...bleah...I hate med...i hate them a lot now...and i dun like docs...arrghh...

WOW-Bintan Day 1 (24/5/07)

2007-05-30T09:01:00.000+08:00

WOW-Bintan, INDONESIA 2007 DAY 1 (24/507)

I started the day with 4 hours of sleep from the night before. Somehow, I felt really energised, super energised to be exact. Haha, maybe it was just the excitement of WOW that hyped me up. The ferry ride, which took about 1h 40 mins was clustered with gossipping, surprises and a lot of laughter and emoing. When the boat's engines just started, a man made a big fuss about changing seats with yuen hao and that led to a heated argument between him and (ironically) the boat authorities. It was really uncalled for and surprising in the sense that they bothered to make a huge mountain out of such a mole hill for us. Oh well, it was definitely a memorable start to the trip.

we had lunch near the orphanage. The food was really not bad, all spicy and in small plates of small portions, a lot of varieties. I managed to eat quite a bit. It is worth mentioning that our permanent bus for the trip is at the state of beyond redemption. It had no air-con, lousy cuisioned very small seats, a blocked ventilator and ants crwaling on the bus floor. Oh well, we didnt expect luxury. What made our day was definitely the warm welcome we received from the kids at the orphanage. Dressed in neat yellow traditional indonesian costumes, they lined up along the tiny pathway playing drums, singing and clapping when the bus arrived. They looked so happy to see us, faces of anticipation and excitement crammed againsts each other to get a better look of us. That really touched my heart. That's not all they prepared though. They performed about 5 items , each lasting 5-7 mins of dance and songs for us. They were good. A permanent smile was greased on my lips as i watched all of them performing with such enthusiasm and joy. It was just very heart-warming. They had so little to offer in physical materials but so much more in friendship and hospitality. So much that it made all of us feel really embarrassed cos we didnt prepare anything. However, thanks to the aplenty musical talents in our class, we put up a really impromptu show, starring matthew ge and the guitar, lucy with juggling, myself, junen and edmund with a song(accompagnied by Bert and Ian)

All in all it went well until we inspected the rooms we are about to paint and find out it was really in a very bad condition. I expected them to be in a dismal state but i didnt expect this appalling conditions. It made me feel very blessed and at the same time, there was a tremendous sense of sympathy for these kids. I was determined to shape up their rooms.

Dinner was, well, not too bad except it was a bit too little and in the end, all of us ended up eating cup noodles as supper. There was prayer meeting, It was really not bad, Worship was not exactly revival material but it was good enough to convict my heart that our class was committed, had strong christians and are going to be a good bunch to work with. The prayers were sincere, or at least sounded sincere to me. I felt good all in all. We stayed there a while to watch the result of american idol. It was obvious that Jordan would win though. A well-deserved win.

It would be such an injustice not to mention that the girls played an impressive number of rounds of bridge and taiti. I was ultimate ownage hahaha =PP Jeanette and I formed a strong Bolsheviks alliance that led to ultra ultimate ownage hehehe. We made lots of noise and had tonnes of fun =D Cards playing continued into the night, accompagnied by music from 3 different MP3 players, out of which, mine was found to be the most appropriate =))

okie..isnt this a bit too lonng???yeah...Day 2 will be shorter =))

DAY 2 (25/5)

I'm going to skip all the litle details cos i'm already behind in my reflections and i still have my QT to do.

We went to the orphanage in the morning. It was really quite chaotic. First, we were told that they could not find the paint brushes and rollers. There was a frenzy of activties going as people did not know what they had to do. In the end, after much negotiating, discussion and calls for manpower, we managed to get started with scrubbing the walls of the different rooms as well as toilets. There were really an underutilisation of factos of production cos there were too many people slacking and few people slugging it out. One of them was me. There was paint everywhere on my body, from head to toe, literally.

We had lunch at the orphanage which was quite unexpected cos we didn't know it was in their budget to provide lunch for us. Anyway, lunch was not bad at all, especially the cold orange cordial..oh man it had never tasted so good before.Then we headed to Loola, another resort/chalet on the sea for activities. It really compensated for all the frustration of the first hald of the day. We did obstacle course, in which i was quite proud of myself for almost completing it. At least i conquered my fear of height. However, the obstacle course really strained my arm muscles and by the time we reached the rock climbing wall my arm muscles really refused to bug. I went up half way and had to come down. The only girl in our grp who managed to reach the top was jeanette =D No surprise eh? =P Then, we reached the highlight of the day, flying fox. I was quite scared at first but after a few girls went(alyssha, jeanette and lee min respectively) i was encouraged enough and went ahead with it. I screamed a little at the beginning but in the end, it was really enjoyable haha. I wanted to do it again! =)) Well, when everybody had tried, we headed back to Acro resort in the same old tattered but faithful bus. i shall end it here for the day. Too tired, and too much more to write if i let my emotions take over. I just want to say this, I missed him quite terribly the first night. but its really getting better. distance really makes the hearts grow fonder.i secretly hope, somehow, some way, hes thinking of me too...

This verse spoke to me very strongly about our class and even LDC as I did my QT. since i'm backlogging, i might as well tell you they really did came true(as in the conviction and warning from God were very real) during the ad party of LDC. God is speaking ever so strongly to me like He had never done so before...

"in the same way, faith, if not accompagnied by actions, is dead"-James 2:17

DAY 3 (26/5)

The day started with CIP work at the orphanage again. Today was less messy because people now know more or less their jobs. Wewanted to paint deisgns onto the bigger walls we had whitewashed, so Tsar Nicholas and John Wong and Edmund went to draw and outline the designs. They painted a world map. The Tsar's great architectural skill is to be deeply admired by his fellow comrades for it was quite a masterpiece =) They settled on painting 2 colours, original white and blue fading out to white(John's artistic direction). When it was almost complete (by quite a number of us) it was quite a sight to behold. Everybody seemed happy with it though we didnt have time to finish the effects. Some others (sports grp) went with the kids to the football field to play frisbee and soccer. I think almost every factor of productioni was utilised. However, the time we could at the orphanage was really short. It was just 2 hours and we had to leave in a hurry, abandoning the paint and stuff on the floor without clearing them...We also had just reached the optimum rate when we had to stop. Lunch was at a restaurant next to a shopping mall. Oh yes, 26/5 which meant that the 2 other members of the class would join us during lunch. The day before, i accidentally slipped talkin about Ryan and jeanette when Jeanette was behind me. She almost strangled me to death =P The only feasible/sensible deal was that she could tease me about Gareth for the next few days, to which she agreed at the great amusement of the girls. Therefore, today was supposedly major suaning day for me. I didn't turn out that bad but I think the entire class is now in on it =S Haha I really didn't mind it so much since it's not true anyway. I just kind of think it's not too nice to Gareth since it MIGHT be true for him.

Well ,after their failed attempt to put me and gareth together in the bus, and after a long ride in a bus with supposed air-con that was not working and hence an oven, we reached Loola with all our luggage and stuff. The girls get to pick our chalet first. Since we had 8, we must take the biggest chalet which was unfortunately located next to the teachers' chalet. Oh well, what to do...Anyway, that disappointing first option was completely forgotten when we saw the beauty of the entire structure of the chalets. They are all supported by wooden posts in the sea, linked up by wooden pathways of wooden planks. It was really quite awesome, since it was my first time experiencing this. We were given about 45 mins to settle in. After having decided our sleeping arrangement, we played some stupid "logic" games which have no logics at all and of cuz CARDS =)) Hehehe... The better part of the siesta though was just to sit there, to enjoy the cool sea breeze and admire God's creation of this so ever-amazing earth. More of that soon =)

The activity for the afternoon was just kayaking/canoeing. So

OEP!

2007-05-24T00:25:00.000+08:00

WOOT!I'm excited!I'm about 8 hours i'm departing singapore for indo. ok the location doesnt scream excitement but it's the first time i'm going with my class for so long...and we're doing pretty adventurous stuff..so it should be worth the anticipation =)

I'm just done with packing..more or less...i realised i have 3 trips consecutively to pack for..so i prepared clothes for LDC in advance..the rest of the stuff is also used for this trip so i have to wait. Luckily there is a buffer time of 1 day for me to pack for vietnam and LDC.oh man..i'm in a packing frenzy!HEHE

Mom came back today!!!wee...it totally makes my day...though my day is already quite fantastic =)I never did any work, cleaned up my ultra messy room which i abandoned eons ago, watched Babel, a fantastic movie, and went out to shopping =DD How nice a day can get, esp when others are trapped in the compound of the sch as I roamed freely in the streets =P Not bad, i enjoyed my break.very rare break.

Haha..window shopping was hmm...tempting. So many nice stuff i would love to own. but my bank account is super low in deposits., it made me think twice. I really love this dress and this skirt!Hayz...I can wear them in my dreams i suppose =P so pathetic =S I went to try ben and jerry ice-cream, thanks to my promise to a person. Actually, it was really not bad haha. i liked it!Just that, it was so ex..so i made sure i enjoyed every spoon =P I also like it cos it didnt melt and yeah, it wasn;t as sweet as haagen daz.hmm not bad, Ive found alternatives to Hagen daz, gonna tell mom =PP

I went around Great world city, window shopping. Great world is really still one of the best place.It has all the things i like, and not too crowded, and good food =) After i've gotten my stuff for OEP, i headed to tiong to see the little match girl sales. Not bad, i got myself a short for 24 bucks and it was good materials. I actually wanted the semi-jacket but too bad no more sizes S left. I was a tard too late =P Most of the better stuff were gone by the time i came. But yeah.the discount is like 30% which is a lot so it was worth it. Oh, I stocked up more shower gels from body shop =P I think i'm collecting them rather than buy them for a practical use! i have now about 8 bottles!And i take forever to finish one. But oh well, it was cheap, really cheap, so worth the buy =))

I had a heart to heart talk with mom abt BGR just now. She is so against it =I Well actually she supports Bb BS rule so she asked me to wait till IB is over and then talk. We were also talkin about uni options, and how i'm gonna get boyfriend there...my dad doesnt like the idea of marrying different race so yeah, he said its gonna be very difficult.DUH. I told them to be assured i'll get a singaporean one and won't be an angmoh so they are a bit less worried haha =)) It also means they allow me to go overseas for sure. I'm quite happy about that=))

And 5 months on

2007-05-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

Wow...It's been one year ago since i last entered an entry here. My blog is literally dead. It's become a little secluded corner on the net...just the way i want it to be =)

I guess thats why i'm returning to it. So few people know about the existence of this blog. No one in ACS knows for sure... those who know can't be bothered to check.What convenience God has given!

Time flies and waits no man.I've said this umpteen times i think.But how can u not ponder on such a simple statement and acknowledge its truth? Its been 5 months since i became a student of ACS(independent) IBPD. Its been 2 terms, a semester...and i only have 7 more to go before the program ends. 7, yes, it's a single digit number.

5 months, so much has happened, so many thoughts, so many wonders, so much grace and so many tears. Yet Time and time again, I thank God for the providence He has in my life, the plans He allowed me to see and the miracles He has performed to remind me of who He is, the all Mighty Savior, God of the heaven and earth. I shall recall the more significant events*whcih i remember) that had happened in ACS. See for yourself the wonders of God's grace

First of all, the fact that I could enter the school is a miracle by itself. Come on, not everyone can claim they made a jump of 31 points in the time span of about 5 months and clinched the most improved student award. I'm still quite in awe of my own achievement. Every time i think about it, I can't stop to wonder what really have i done, what God really has done. It's quite something to boast about eh?

O results was quite disappointing, because its the same as my prelims...how boring can u get anyway.No surprise, the only surprise is prolly the fact that there is no surprise =I Well, whatever it is, it was more than good enough for ACSI. However, it is important to note too that it was the mean average score for the gals in acs =I All the more i didn't feel very good about it =S

I joined BB! It was one of the best decision of my life i think. BB is playing such an important part in my life, i can't think of ACS without it. The routine of parade, the queer, funny, hyper and helpful primers, the ever-caring, sometimes crazy officers, the talks, the drill, the parades(again =p), all seem so very much a part of my life. The initial reason i had chosen to join might not be very biblical, but it was definitely God's plan. After all, No one enters BB by chance.But then ,what makes BB so interesting, is prolly not BB itself, but the scandals and rumors around it haha.I'll elaborate further, don't worry.

I joined choir. yeah no exclamation mark here. I was happy really...i thought choir by itself, without the personalised characteristics of each school, is fun no matter what. I was very wrong i guess. actually, it was fun. It was really something I look forward to for the first half, before the competitions. When competition starts, when i realised the choir is even screwed up than crescent's 3 years back, when i realised the last min thing it has always been doing, I just found it a chore to come to choir. The music is what drives me really. The people are nice too..and everyone is just there for each other when there's problems, when there was too much pressure. Im glad i stuck with them through and through for the SYF journey.It was something to be remembered for years to come i'm sure.

I loved. Actually, i don't really know if it's love. I wasn't "electrified" by his presence. I just feel an immense sense of happiness when he was around. He owned my happiness, and I'm taking it back...day by day.I don't know if it's love, but I prayed for him to be happy, to be blessed and to walk the path God has directed Him. Despite h Until now, i cannot say with confidence i'm totally over him and yet, i've moved on. When i see him, i still feel very happy. To see his face, to know he's okay. He's still in my prayers and will always be..as all other primers. Loving him taught me much. I guess God achieved his purpose. I worked really hard for BB, i was really tolerant, so tolerant it caught me by surprise...and most important of all, I knew God better. I've dedicated this part of my life to Him. And I realised, God is a selfish God. He wants all of my love, all of it. no more, no less. God wants him to be the very first love of my life...and He will always be.The pain seems all worth it when i know it was for a Godly purpose. All the tears I've shed seem to be redeemed by God's amazing grace. I don't know what i would do, how i would deal with this if He wasn't guiding me. Lord, thank you.

The heart is fragile. I asked God to protect my heart, guard it from unexpected emotional attacks. And yet, the heart still hurts. I don't know if i'm going against God's will. I'm so terribly afraid I am and there's nothing i can do about it. If i'm upsetting God, I will be so overwhelmed by the guilt I won't dare to continue. And the heart will hurt again.

Okie, i'll stop here. my parents are home!!my mom is home!! =DDD Gonna spend time with her =) see ya later =)

2006-05-27T00:35:00.000+08:00

its late...and im a blog fanatic once again
Today has been quite unproductive.Gosh...to think about it now, i did little but a english paper 1,which i didnt even finish. My timetable has proven to be rather impossible? actially no...

whatever now, why do i always feel all the forces of the earth is working against me.Feeling that i'm not working hard enough at all.
for example, today, i went home, had lunch.timetable said i will start at 2 but i slept through.I will not take lunch at the sofa tmr.I struggled to complete paper 1.The speech format not memorised.I wonder what mr Ravi would be saying.Tongue lashing no but an expression of disappointment is inevitable.

I feel that ive let all ppl who believe in me down.I lost it all for chem, for physics.the interest in chem is not there anymore..physics yes.

ok..pessimism is extending its wrath.

Also, i realise that i'm quick at forming sarcastic remarks or some evil remarks that would hurt ppl.MW asked me this when he talked to me...I believe it was due to the fact that i'm bitter about a lot of things,hence the sarcastic tone.

Truly, i realise now thanking God when we;re going through a tough time is hard.I could not do it.I burst out in sobs when i tried to.

Ok, its late enough, my schedule starts 9 tmr.I need a good sleep.

2006-05-26T17:23:00.000+08:00

i realise that i could never say the deepest, darkest secrets here.ok, i have about 10 mins to blog.i'll make it a quick one, hopefully.

Ok, i saw Mr ravi yesterday.I expected the meeting to go another way but well, i understood why it was how it was.I know i'm being very vague. the problem was that it was so technical i didnt know why i was there.Obviously the marks speak for the subjects themselves. He didnt need to tell my dad the technical parts of the the subjects right?Would it help?I hardly think so. I don't understand why the school asked the so-called weaker students to see the HOD.It doesnt make a difference because the HOD seems extremebly detached with the students. Sometimes, they are speaking regarding what they think they know based on the report book and not what the problem is really about. I wished my dad could have seen other teachers, for examples, my science teachers.Oh well nvm

The thing that hit home was how other teachers remarked. I didnt know why i was suddenly emotional that day. I was not suppose to shed tears. I didnt want to be exact. But I couldnt help it all the same.I was so engulfed in tears i had to went to the toilet to let it out.I was grateful the toilet was deserted.

You know what, the teachers have so much faith in me.So much that i was strengthened by them because i was rather surprised by some of the teachers' remarks. Not surprised because they were bad, but because they were otherwise.With so much faith and confidence put on me, how could i not try harder and do well?If it is not for my own shake, it is for them, the teachers and my parents definitely. Sometimes, having to do something for others in spite of your own weakness gives us more strength and courage than we ever know.

OK,i have to go...i just swam..felt good. I just had my ice-cream too...felt good =))

2006-05-23T22:22:00.000+08:00

Its not exactly the best to blog,especially when i'm using one of the most difficult keyboard ever.Like gosh, why izzit so hard ust to press every single letter down.Cheapskate.

Anyway, I was reminiscing a lot lately.Every time im alone,especially when i'm travelling, it is extremely hard to restrain my thoughts from thinking about the past.It is hard, when the time is now.There are so many things i have to do but i'm not disciplined enough.My results were beyond the nightmares I thought about.I'm not sad because ive let myself down.I'm sad because the people that believe in me are betrayed, disappointed(or will be disappointed)I cant stand them being angry, asking themselves, or me, or blaming themselves for what has happened.I hate it.

It is funny though.I'm not that sad when the results were out.Somehow i expect that so i guess i wasnt too shocked by it all.I realised that the other times i was disappointed is because i expected too much and hence the great disappointment that comes with it.

Today i got my french back.Quite satisfied.A2 but still, the important was i improved in the area i was weak.But now there are other areas to be improved upon :S Oh wellz...

You know i think i about him too much that i would drive myself crazy someday.I hate this so much.I wonder if it is love tat i see or izzit some sort of disillusion im seeing. I hate being so trapped, so deprived, so desperate...

You know what, there is always this feeling that feel, that i need someone there for me all the time, to tell me how to go through all these.Yes, God is there.He is a great comfort but physically too, I just this immense desire for someone to hold me and tell me it will all right..And i wish it was him.

Christine, wake up from your freaking dream because you cant freaking do a thing about.And because he will never be there for you when u need him. All hes been doing is to play with your feelings because he knows hes someone to you.Let the freaking guy go free and get yourself out of this mess.OR ELSE...

2006-05-19T15:54:00.000+08:00

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

En francais

2006-05-17T21:30:00.000+08:00

Aujourd'hui, je vais peu changer du format. Comme tu peut deja voir, je blog en francais. Je pense qu'il est methode excéllente de practiquer ton francais. Un peu moins vite, mais néanmois efficace.

Alors, qu'est ce que j'ai fait aujourd'hui? Pas vraiment beaucoup. Je n'ai que revisé le francais et j'étais productive je crois parce que je peut bien rappeler la plupart de vocabulaire que j'ai apprise. J'ai ce livre que j'ai acheté il y a longtemps mais je ne l'ai jamais lu. Donc, aujourd'hui, j'ai passé beaucoup de temps avec ce livre. Ceci a prouvé temps bien passé parce qu'il y a des tas de mots utiles pour mes essaies.

Apart de celle-ci, Rien n'a passé a l'ecole. L'autres sec 4s etaient occupees avec leurs cours chinois intensif. A resultat de ca, j'avais de temps libre pour moi-meme. Ah oui, le choeur a pris le photo ensemble. Ca m'a irritate car nous avous passe beaucoup de temps attendre lorsqu'il faisait tres chaud.

Je ne suis pas encore bien preparee pour le controle demain mais je me sens faire rien maintenant. Apres tout, comme Priscilla m'a dit, peut-etre les controles ne comptent pas sur la carte du rapport et j'ai deja fait environ 4 ou 5 heures de francais. C'est assez nest pas? Je ne sais pas.

Il n'est pas sur l'internet maintenant. J'eprouve peu triste mais il n'y a rien de faire quand meme. Peut-etre Il faut je quitte lui penser. Il mieux vaut laisser tout ca dans la passe,non? Je suis fatique franchement.A jour de jour, tout ce que je peut faire est penser a lui, meme si je sais qu'il ne me pense jamais. Je suis bete non? Ah mais je suis humaine aussi. Et comme une humane, on aime et on crie. On est ravi et on se sens triste.Les emotions...sont tres compliques, et quand je trouve en comprendre, je suis perdue, comme maintenant.

Une avantage d'ecrire en francais est personne(sauf lesquels qui font le francais bien sur mais c'est limite) ne comprendre ce que j'ai ecrit. Une bonne idee de cacher des sombres secrets que tu veut personne de savoir. Mais pour ce fois, ce n'est pas mon intention.

Ah, it faisait tard et je dois aller.Faire une devine!Reviser le francais, quel l'autre!

Pour lesquels qui ne comprennent rien, try a translator =))

French mugging and the random things

2006-05-15T20:19:00.000+08:00

Today was the most amazing day.I dont even know why i came to school.Probably for the air-con and to know that i have a day-off tmr :S

Anyway i was quite productive mugging french.As i predicted, once i started the engine, i was captivated by french.It didnt feel bored,just tired after a while.Yay, my love for french has found its way home.Honestly i never stopped loving the language.It was just procastination that got in the way.Now im sort of back on track for the time being.I still have a few days to mug for it and get a good grades.I'm determined ok.I cant let this controle slip out of my hand like the last one.Total embarassment i tell you.

Well what else is here today...I watched fantastic 4.I wasnt so fantastic to be honest.I didnt like the logic of the storytelling but i like the characters and i just love watching heroes defeating villains.Classic but somewhat addictive.

I had french tuition.productive.I did my work so there was more things to go over during the lesson.And I like the entire thing.Sighz..I love french.Did i say that already??? lol

Right now, my motivation to start mugging french again is low.All right, i will eventually get to it.But right now, the temptation of slacking is just too great to resist.Also,i'm deperate for songs so yeah...i'm just checking out websites and songs.yupz

Well, as i'm free now,I'm just caught by the whirlwind to write some exposition stuff i've long haulted.It was something i enjoyed doing in the past but i'm not sure i still do now.At least, I still love the current affairs and the all cheem analogies and theories.Ok here goes..

Politics in singapore- a joke or what?
Despite the goverment effort to educate the young about politics in singapore being all serious and formal, the tone taken by generation y is unfortunately indifferent.I doubt it was a big agenda on any teen's list to know the latest happening of the recent election, but it did generate some conversations among youths i'm sure. After all, singapore youths are getting more politically informed, and hopefully, more involved.

Youths, which are defined as people between the age of 13 to 25 and for those who feel that they that age, need only so much to be concerned with singapore politics.In reality, who cares?What the motivation for caring anyway.For some, it is a complete waste of time.For others, like me peharps, it is quite a channel of entertainment, good or bad it had to depend. No incentives are given for people who take a serious stand about this thing. They will not get to vote, not in at least another 5 years.They might never be a voter because the dont stay in a GRC that is likely to be contested(like me,tanjong pagar has no hope of seeing some excitement).Even if they will get to vote, it is of no big issue.Why? the winner will be PAP for sure.Thats probably why many younger voters go for opposition.Yeah, we're bored of the same ole party's monolopy rule of the nation.Where is democracy??? one might dare to cry.

Well, the opposition lost hands down.I thought they might be able to win more seats this year due to some strong show in some single-member constituencies.My hope had to vanish. Apparently singaporeans play it safe after all the big hoo haa of opposition's must-have presence. It is boring no?I would vote for opposition too if you ask me.If there is no check and balances as the newspaper reported daily, God knows what those PAP politicans can do.I'm not doubting their integrity,because singapore is not what it is today because of some crooks running the country.But i'm doubting their human err and their inevitable desire to do something unrighteous,due to one fact that they are homosapiens. Look at the NKF saga. I thought they had it coming.I did not donate a single cent to the charity,and i dont regret that, ever.

Most teens dont even know what politics is.Most cant be bothered at all because it is a totally uncool, uninteresting and cheem subject which is not necessary to be undertaken. Why waste precious time and energy that could be spent on more fruitful trips of shopping? Oh not to forget that the youths that are informed mostly limited themselves to guys and people who are supposedly intellectual.Oh well.

Okie, thats all.I'm bored of blogging now.ciao!

Spring time cleaning

2006-05-14T02:22:00.000+08:00

The old layout has to go for 3 reasons:
1)It's difficult to navigate(which has amazingly proved to be very helpful only once)
2)Its dark, down and doesn't reflect my state of mind
3)I'm bored with black

The new one is colourful, and yeah, I like the theme that goes with it.There was another that was better in terms of design but it couldnt work, so I settled for this.I thought it's all right anyway.

Guys say girls emo-blog all the time.Well I say what is so memorable about daily activities that they need a space on the WWW and deserve your time and energy?I don't get that.For me, this is more of a diary than journal.I'm emotional.When my bottle of feelings have overflowed, i come here and release the pressure.But i never seem to have the bottle empty. Thoughts of many things cross my mind at all time.Its hard to keep track, and its a challenge to keep them checked.Sometimes they run wild of crazy ideas, wandering dreams and endless negativism.If i don't control myself, negativism will swallow me whole.And I'm not going to let that happen.Ever.

The exams are over(yay!) but as i put in my nick , the nightmare has only just begun with results out soon.I screwed up so badly i cant bring myself to say anything about it.I can only thank God for pulling my through and giving strength,mental and physical.I give all my thanks to my mom, who was there and to help and to care.Without her to plan my time and norish me during those troubled weeks, I would have suffered from a serious breakdown.Mom, you're the best.

I still missed him.WHY? i hate it gosh. I hate wasting my energy on something that is disillusional, fruitless peharps and not worth it somehow.Why must i care?I why must i worry and miss him when he felt none of these?Why am i the only one doing the feeling?I sux to know u care more than him,because it means u will hurt more, much much more.I dont even know if it is love i'm experiencing,having.I don't know if love means this.If it does, then it's way too much for one person,for such a period of time.But am i the one to blame?When I listened to sally's long-distance relationship, i was deeply inspired.You can't give it up that easily.You have to hold on to it, for as long as it could last.You have to give him, it, yourself a chance in this thing called love.I wasn't that patient I guess. After all, the time i spent waiting isnt that long compared to many others.And that is the problem.Had i been complete forshaken of him, with no word, no calls whatsoever for half a year, my feelings for him would have somehow diminished with time.But this is unfortunately not the case.Ming wei, you make life difficult for me.You don't even deserve this.It shoudnt be you whom i care about aarrghghh!!!

I can't stand today..Le jon was daoing or what...he came and yeah, i felt so wakward still.I hate it too.We should be friends and comfortable like we used to.Gosh...why??The movie sux...but yay, i had so much fun with the grp and with sheila and anyi later on.Sighz...i love the ex-con lol.A bunch of crappy,fun-loving caring ppl whom u can be completely yourself around.Nothing beats that.

Ok,i'm tired.yay, i blogged!Well, for an audience of myself, the almost close to none random visitor and a few misc others, this blog is far from existence.Thanks to that fact, I'm being more open here.I dont even care about mentiong his name here.If he had the patience to read through the entire entry, which i would be utterly bemused if thats the truth, he would be able to find his name.And that is unlikely.Ming wei doesnt care one less bit...why would he be here...

Okie,i'm falling off my chair...zzzz....laterz

2006-02-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

Wow, i haven't blogged in ages again.What can i say,I'm not very good at updating blogs haha.

Actually, there are many times when i found myself at the verge of clicking the button "blog this!".I have so many strings of thoughts and emotions these past weeks, it is hard to know where to begin.Shall i begin with the utmost important thing?or shall i just blurt out what's been circling around my head these weeks?Hmm...i'll go with the flow.

Ive been slacking a lot lately.I feel as if time spent "doing work" is just spent thinking, doing other things.It is no wonder my grades are so horrible nowadays.And they are supposed to be brilliant.Sighz...it's a far cry right now but i'm not giving up.In fact, I can never give up until this race finishes. What scares me is not how long this will take, but whether i can actually succeed.Fear of failure.Have i come so far as to admit

Rain of tears...rain...

2006-01-10T13:42:00.000+08:00

It has been raining for the past 5 days consecutively. I haven't seen the sun for about 3 days now. Temperatures have dropped to a record low of 22 degrees. The overall mood is inevitably depressing.

I don't claim i'm joyful(and i shouldn't be) but until yesterday, my mood had been perfectly fine. Oh well, i shall elaborate on yesterday later on. Right now, as promise, i will recount the few significant events that had taken place in 2005.

Singapore Youth Festival

April 2005

We worked hard, we sang well and we had great hopes, yet the gold medal slipped out of our hands the moment we took the stage. Untill today, I couldn't understand fully why there was such a drastic change in our performance from that monday to friday. I was blaming it on those who didn't sing out in practices and suddenly wanted to make a special appearance on that day. I had also put the fault on our inexperience with the new conductor. And finally, I had believed that 1 year was not enough a timeframe for Ms Tham to perform miracles. But now, looking back ,i doubt the reason was really any of those mentioned. It was us that was the problem. We didn't commit enough. There were a number of us who did, but that was not enough. We need to work as a choir and we didn't. The whole choir was not in it together, hence the results. But still, this year everything might change and there are already a lot of improvements seen. I continue to believe that the gold medal or even gold with honors is definitely ours in the near future.

The first inagural session of The Hague Model United Nations-Singapore 2005

This is one of the best thing that has happened in my life. yeah, its not even this year but my life really. THIMUN-sg introduced me to a whole new world of MUN that i never knew.I can't thank Mrs Ow enough for putting herself through all the troubles to organise this for us. I will never forget all the things that had happened during the conference for years to come. I won't forget the people, the debate, the things ive learnt and the crap that we did in the committee sessions. Everything is also memorable and i'll bring with me these memories to wherever i'll be next year. Well, THIMUN-sg will be unforgettbale for one more reason. Ive met him here. He has shown me how leadership should be and how a leader should be. He has captured my heart too...

Bordeaux-France exchange programme 2005

(la famille de vingt-sept)

This is the best thing that had happened this year, of the best things tha had happened in my life and definitely the best overseas trip, the best 25 days of my life. I had never had so much fun, seen so many beautiful sights and met so many wonderful people before. I love french, french food, bordeaux, my host family and everyone in france that ive met. I will never forget those times we spent together. Those excursions, those meals and lunchs together. I will never forget you guys either la famille de 27!If time passes by and i somehow lost the memory of those time we spent, i'll still remember each and everyone of you.France was so beautiful, so wonderful that words are not enough to describe how majestic it was. I could only say that for those who went to france only for a few days and saw only the eiffel tower, you have seen nothing. If people are goung to be prejudiced agains the french and say that they are racists, i will be the unofficial advocate. They are nothing like that.the hospitality i have received is incredible and i will never never forget how well i was treated. Thank you everyone, thank you french and french government who paid for our trip.I'll definitely return someday and make sure your money and effort put in me not gone to waste :)

Thats it really. I couldnt give a more detailed account due to time constraint but i have at least say what i want to say and i'm satisfied. It could have been a bit more about what i see but time just doesnt allow me to do that and also, there were too many things..For now, I'll officially say GOOD BYE 2005, WELCOME 2006!

Rain

2006-01-08T18:26:00.000+08:00

It seems i post earlier than i thought i would.I'm just bored I guess.I'm not supposed to be, because there is a pile of geo homework waiting to be done but then, i can do that at night.

It has been raining the whole day, practically since morning till now. The monsoon wind seems to arrive in Singapore with plenty of moisture huh...I'm quite enthusiastic about geo right now.I have no idea why.But i guess one main reason was i learnt it in the class room and i can see it for myself and understand why the weather is so and so, so it just fascinates me. The fact that i could tolerate 3 hours straight of geo lecture speaks volume of how much i like the subject.

Sighz..the rain reminds me of him. Everything reminds me of him.I just wish that God will help me to forget him and end this torment of my soul. I've been crying day and night and i just wish i could stop doing that. I feel so pathetic really. He doesn't even know my name i suppose, much less who i am and here i am crying my eyes out for him. It sounds so crazy, ridiculous and foolish. But then, aren't we all fools in love?

THE PROMUGGER IS BACK

2006-01-07T14:09:00.000+08:00

After 6 months of silence, promugger.blogspot.com is finally back in operation. I have no idea why i decided to stop blogging in april last year but if i were to convince myself, the general reason was that i was busy/lazy and ran out of motivation for blogging.

Nevertheless, the motivation is back, and for a good reason. I know many people would think i'm crazy to restart my blog at this point in time(the inevitable sec 4 year) but i do not think blogging will hinder me from achieving academic goals. In contrast, it might just help to further improve my english writing skills.

Last year, this blog was sprinkled with analysis, articles and comments on certian topics, written in rather formal tone.I would like to continue doing this and to take it to the next step, articles written will be UN-agenda oriented to help myself in the upcoming SPIMUN conference. Of course, besides these article, there would definitely be the common laments and recounts of the daily events.

2005 has been very memorable for me, if not the most memorable. Many events had taken placed to shape and change my thinking and ways of life. I will do a full recount of these events probably some time next week(most definitely on tuesday). In the meantime, this will be the first post of 2006, commemorating the reopening of promugger.blogspot.com!

wow...that's quite a break

2005-04-15T20:55:00.000+08:00

A break from blogging that is.It's been really a while since i last updated this thing.I do come here to look at the post and tagboard once in a while but has not in a very appropriate mood for postive blogging.

How's life you might ask?It's a bean bag mixed of so many different kinds emotions and events.
I shall not be too detail over some stuff..because i dont wish to remind myself of something that was not very pleasant.But then ,there are other things that really pleased me and just reminds me of God all the times and his wonderful ways of showing me the miracles only He can bring about.

One of the is the france exchange programme.Well, i was not selected at first...i'm still not be bale to figure out what happened, what went wrong during that interviewed that they rejected me.I was wondering if it was my family background or something of that sort that has nothing to do with my abilities or egibility.Whatever it was, I was really sad for a few days,praying to God for comfort and i read during one of my devotions that having faith in Him is to believe without questioning His doings.That was when i told myself that if i couldnt go, then maybe He had other great plans for me.

But guess what??I'm GOING!!yupz..apparently someone dropped out of the programme and now I'm IN!!I was really in awe when Mdm told me.I never expected to have any chances of going because it is unlikely someone would withdraw,but someone did and I'm in.God is amazing, He tested me but then He knows what's my heart desire and granted my wish in the end, when He knows my faith in Him is strong.Thank you God, you are the Lord of my life.

Choir...i dont want to talk about it..since i'm still in the process of healing over that event.I still want to seek peace within my heart and get over it.I need time yupz..so let me take one good breathe before moving on.

That's about all...exams are coming..and so are the tests.I have like 4 tests consecutively next week.oh ya...I'M WATCHING SOUND OF MUSIC!!Yay!!hehe..very much looking forward to it.I'm not sure the seats are great though.we shall see..

ok thats all...i gotta go study now..cos surely tmr cannot study anything...bye bye!

abnormal update

2005-03-30T16:31:00.000+08:00

Hmm..yupz.Abnormal,cos this is the first time in ages i actually update on a week day.Today I can go home "quite" early..so yupz..a bit of time surfing the net, do the things i normally do.Intend to start studying at 5.Or maybe 4.45...actually just anytime after i have finished putting up this entry.

So hows the week so far?Not too bad.2 tests down. 1 more to go tmr.I'm not so afraid of geo as i was of A maths, cos I was more prepared, or there is only so much you can do for geo,but for A maths, there was plenty to do.Anyway, A maths was...generally not too bad.I left one question undone,but the rest were completed with a sense of assurance that i can get them all right.Hopefully so at least.E maths was...sort of horrible...thought it would be easy,although i really prepared a lot for it too,but i just hope i do ok..I have done my best honestly.Thats the greatest feeling i have.I feel like this time round, any marks will be the measure of my true efforts.So we'll see...

Hm..what else is there to blog about?Not much.On the emotional side,not much either,oh yes except for some very unpleasant conversations with parents.Particularly the opposite gender of the parents.Sighz...

hm..I'm watching sound of music with my mom!Yay, it's gonna be cool.and whats cooler?MY PARENTS WILL BE AWAY!woohooo!!!Sighz..i really love it to have some freedom at night, and less nagging.

CRESCENTIAN DAY is coming!Yepz,i'm in charged of a fringe games stall that all clubs and societies were each assigned to one.Mug slide...or bottle slide will be the more accurate term to describe it.I think it should be ok...and yeah,looking forward to the food and items on sales that day as well as the walkathon..haha..saw some interesting outfits at the dress rehearsal.

Choir..disappointing..very horrible situation happened on mon,especially after i have anticipated it so much.I just really wish we can get out act together and pull this off.We deserve it so much,we worked so hard and we deserve this.It's also my dream to get this.I can't imagine what emotional state i will be in if we dont win.Give us a fighting chance, ms Tham,cos we really want it...very badly...so very badly.

Ok,thats about all the time i have for blogging.Now back to the excitement of revising for geo test and doing a maths homework.~Low level of sarcasm detected~ =)

Good friday

2005-03-26T15:00:00.000+08:00

Sianz..the hols are always not hols..as there are too many things to be done...but then again, my slack attiude won over the drive to revise my work...not total defeat though, I had some good hours of concentrating in geo, e maths and a maths.I have to say i'm nervous about A maths.My foundation of remainder theorem i believe is sound, but the advanced questions shook it badly.I take about 1o mins to solve one freaking question...and i know tests ah, all the questions are so not easy.I might die.Nevertheless, my quest for all As this term still has hope,a lot of hope in fact, cos i'm quite ok with e maths and goe,a but scared but not too much a problem.Now is just building up the speed.

Ive been neglecting my english ,especially my writing skills these few days.So I decided that this blog will be actively used as a avenue for my writing skills to be honed.I hate writing stories,honestly.I'll rather to discussions, though they are more challenging, they are more interesting and involves more critical thinking as well.For today, I have some time off YWAV,thus, some solid time will be spent to write up stuff on this blog about the currently issue at hand, the youth speaking up topic.Sounds relevant to me,and i have a few things to comment on.

Before that begins though, i will take this opportunity to reflect on certain things.

French=ok, the controle was killer,or was it?I'm not too sure but it tells me that my writing skills in french needs to be sharpened too, and i need to read more french books.I have a few at hands,but never had the chance to pick them up.I really to do well for french, cos i believe it will be an asset for me later in life, after all, not too many people master it.

Birthdays=enough said, nothing is done.I might be going out for a movie..or i might not.I'll see how my revision speed progresses later.

BGR=enough...i need to rethink about it.I can't let my mind wander too much into this thing,which is almost non-existant.I'll let God find me the one.And after all, its so common nowadays to be single.Just that u know, my contacts with the opposite gender is so limit-the con of being in girls school =S

Choir,SYF=Not bad progress at all.I think if the sop 2s can control their nerves and we dont go sharp, we will get a gold definitely.Can't wait for choir on mon.Mr Tay is..ahem..the issue is off..I just feel that if i let those feelings rise, they will be unstoppable.Self-control?yupz

ok..here goes my so-called essay

Youths are up and on?

Yes, with the fuss the government and the national newspaper has made for the past few weeks about youths being given more freedom,space and time to speak out, it is inevitable that this topic is chosen for me free writing today.

Dr vivain, the acting minister for community development,sports and youth had said that more space, a park to be exact, will be dedicated to youths.This will the extension of the existing skater park located at orchard rd.The space will be an avenue for youths to showcase the creavitty without restrictions, and to host shows, carry out projects that benefit the community. In addition to that, he also said that equal opportunities will be given to all youths to use their talents to contribute to the country and community...The minister also declared earlier that nothing can stop youths from raising their concerns for the country by speaking up and contribute their ideas at forums.He also welcomes the young to play a part in making the modern singapore unique and a place they called home.

Such is the bold and definite action the government is undetaking to involve youths into playing a greater in the nation-making progress.It not only stops at the community level, but this idea also extends to youths being more involved in policy making and generally, politics.This is the part that interests me.For a long time, singapore politics, as i understand it, has been limited to the elite group of mature politicians and bureaucrats, leaving the voices of the common people and,youths.This is a welcomed change,and it's time it's changed.No one can deny the fact the young voices do matter, although young, but ideas from youths should be valued as they carry the message of the Y generation that the government is governing.This generation is bolder, more outspoken and definitely want more of their voices to be heard.But just how? and will ALL voices of those who want a chance to share be valued?

Certain doubts cross my mind upon this question.

ok..i run out of time again,next time ppl..I'll really continue!Mugging session now =S

Life is Beautiful

2005-03-24T22:34:00.000+08:00

I have changed my blog skin.Not the best i could have chosen, but still, it's the theme and colour of my desire.It's much brighter, much more cheerful and there is a sense of peace when i look at it.The other skin was too dark...and i guess it worsens my mood when i visited it.Oh well, that's all about it for the skin.

The past few days had been very hectic and depressing for me.I'm supposed to be happy, but i'm really not.I feel rotten inside, i feel like the smiles i put up in choir are fake and my cheerfulness is short-lived.I can't understand the complexity of the matter(or izzit too simple to understand?) but i just want to be out of it all.I want to walk away from them all.No more candles, cakes or presents.Nothing...just peace, tranquility and myself,and God.

Just had a row with Mom..on something freaking stupid.I shant be bothered to mention it here.I cant believe we actually argued about that,and yeah..what a damn freaking nice,wonderful,happy birthday i had.I cant forget it, i cant really.I just wished my bday had never come...just wish i have no bdays honestly.why does it have to sux so much on the "sweet" 16.

For this whole weekend, I'll devote myself to studies and preparation for the tests and coming exams.I'm not ready at all for the tests.I just feel like i need to be in control of school life, and i am not.I'm exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally.i just want a break...from it all...

It has been an emotional roller coaster ride these few days too.Ive been completely out of control of my feelings, and my thoughts sometimes.I told Ms Goon in my journal once that i'm finding this rhythm of life soon.I was lying then.I did not,and will I? I dont know.

Then, there were a few ups,like choir going well and myself being able to understand schoolwork more.One more thing,I'm in close contact with God..but sometimes, i just dont see Him there,or maybe I have never looked hard enough to search for Him,or is He carrying me through like the story in footprints?Possible...

Okie,i actually put an update quite long the other day,but blogger just freaking screwd the whole thing and i didnt see the entry published.Oh well...blogger is screwed sometimes.
Thats all about all for now.SYF is coming real soon blah...i;m excited,nervous and yeah...and those emotions you feel before a test and a performance.Also, i'm not too sure if i will get selected for the france exchange trip.I really hope I do.But there is no guarantee success after that interview, in which i basically screwed up the french part,what the hell right...I practise in my head quite a lot of those OTHER questions and none came out.Very unexpected stuff were asked instead.Never mind, what's under the bridge should be let go.And if I dont get to go, i'll go somewhere else.Yupz..

kkz..really Good bye here.I need to study as well.My heachache has finally subsided and almost disappeared.time to MUG. = s

Only God knows

2005-03-11T22:54:00.000+08:00

Wow, it's been really some time since i update this thing.Sighz..to busy to do anything these days.Sec 3 life is really tough, and for me, it's a winding road to success.I did quite badly for common tests.I think it is true that Ive put too much pressure on myself to do well;but that's really not the only factor.I have so little time to do even homework.I'm just exhausted whenever I reached home.I just wish i have a bit more time,and more energy too.I have not neglected God though.I'm proud of this.He's real when we are in our darkest moments.I don't know what He knows...and i'll just have to follow the path He will direct me to.

I'm disappointed with common tests result still as i type this.I guess i have to really focus a lot more next time and work much harder.I truly want my A1s back.

There were a lot of thinking process for me the last few weeks.Ive been thinking about stuff...like Ming wei leaving, like my self doubt of ability,like cca..among other things.The one that preoccupies the most of my thoughts is of cuz ming wei issue.There is nothing i can do really.I just realised that this is in God's divine which i,with my human's capacity of understanding, cannot comprehend.It's just so..hard though.It seems like i never anticipated this, and it just happened.Soon enough he will be gone.I wont be talkin to him the way i am now.No more midnight smses...I really will lose a pillar of strength.

I have also thought, its better i let him go...emotionally as well.If i hang on to those feelings, i might be imprisoned by them in thoughts, and that will lead the downfall of everything else.Am I that "career" oriented?Maybe..then again, maybe not.I just believe that he will find someone else, because no matter how special i can be.I'm only virtually "there".And it hurts to know,i can never move beyond that line.Then again, it's life...

kkz..enough...i'm going to sleep.need lots of it to sing well tmr.Quite nervous but should be ok...and also, first time i will visit fairfield methodist sec school (",)

Don't let those tears be seen,dont let them be seen...

2005-02-19T00:08:00.000+08:00

I realise that i'm always accompanied by loneliness
My whole life i think
that wont change soon
u can be in class of 40 somethingm,and felt like you're alone,just you
this sux.
I have not blogged in this informal way for some time.I'm supposed to be mugging now, but my emotions have taken over for the time being.I cant concentrate on anything
I have really tried,and so God knows
Gosh, I miss Him
shall do online devotion now
before that...a poem for thoughts

Empty space you find
In a crowded place
Strange thoughts
Wondering if it's loneliness
Conquering

The wrath of solitude
Leave a shadow of darkness
In the heart of the wanderer
Whose heartbeats had weakened with time

Strange emotions I feel
I know they are real
I know they will come and go
Somehow I can't phantom their power
That grips so tight
I can't breathe

I just want to live
I just want to let go
I just want to be me
I could break down
I could crash
But God knows I'm strong
I can handle this!

Love, a present i can never open
A gift i can't receive
Nor can I give
Except for the one from God

Friends
Stay or Go
they don't really care
They won't be there
Or will they??

Life has turned this heart cold
So cold i'm numb
Feelings, thoughts, emotions
they dont matter
They won't matter
They will go
Will fade
With time

Forget me
When you have spread your wings and fly
Dont turn back
I wont let you see my cry
I wont let you know i have cried
I won't ever ever let you know
YOU can hurt me

Emotionally
Physically
Mentally
I'm drained
No more
No more...

2005-02-08T17:04:00.000+08:00

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

The plight of being extraordinary(or not)

2005-02-06T15:10:00.000+08:00

I have resorted to this blog for comfort...

My life is really a black life.
I'm struggling to cope with the amount of activities, the homework given as well as random and sweeping comments which all happen in the campus of a school...duh.Honestly, I feel unusually alone and empty in a class i really like.People here don't care THAT much about grades.I can't stand the fact that all of them think i'm a god who get perfect marks ALL THE TIME.I dont...gosh...so people who think i do, please get off my back.(oh shoot this sounds so mean)

Its so hard for me to open up really.It's like there is a boundary btw me and my friends, my family members and even closest of friends.Ming wei is the only person i have told stuff too...at least he understands.It seems like he has been waiting for me to open up to him,because i always appear as a perfect,standardized,untouchable..human being.It's like it's finally the time for me to stop closing the door to my world.But i still do,to some extend.It's hard not to anyway.

I'm idolising Ms Tham.She's one of the most respected person i have had the previlege to meet and know.It seems like what Ms Tan said about 1 year ago about the fact that we need changes for the betterment of things is true...so true.

KKZ..thats it!i have to go mug at 3.30.have 15 more minutes to start an essay on chinese new year which i have a burning desire to write.

2005-02-05T20:24:00.000+08:00

When the music plays on

Sing that song with your heart

Sing as if there's no tomorrow

Bring that song fort

Like it's the music of your soul

Do you regret those moments you screwed?

Do you REALLY want to to make up

For what's lost?

Have we ever really done well?

Do I have an answer?

The time is here I can feel

The atmosphere I can sense

That nervousness in your voice

Dont give up dearies

Victory is near

If we hold on

If we never let go

No one can take it from us

The stage is where we belong

The stage is for us alone

Bring fort that song

The song of our spirits

Look to this day!

For today well-lived

Makes every yesterday,

a dream of happiness.

New every morning is the love

Our waking and up rising proves

Through darkness and sleep

Restored to life in power and thought...

You whose day it is makes it beautiful

You whose song it is makes it wonderful

You whose spirit it let it rise above

You whose voice it is bring them forward

One chance One hope One dream

Together

We will get there

Crescent Choir

[[ * dear ` God ]]

2005-02-05T20:18:00.000+08:00

Letting go
Let it pass
Let it show
For once
I can be myself
For once
I'm not pretending
To be someone else
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of making the grades
I just want to let go

Can you hold me back?
Can you keep me in check?
Can you show me the way
So I can escape from this place?

You think you know me?
You dont at all
You think you see all of me?
But what did you really see?

Sorry I let you down
sorry I have given up
Sorry I just cant hold back
these tears that are flowing down

One day I'll fly away
Levaing behind memories of yesterday
And from dreams to dreams
I'll remember the day
i can fly away

copyright©christinelek

Whatever happened to the proposed plan?

2005-01-23T20:26:00.000+08:00

Yeah..as the title goes, whatever happened to the goals i set a few weeks ago eh??sigh sighzz..
It seems like i couldnt keep up with the perspective on issues entries like i said i would write.Its not like I dont have thoughts on them;it's cos i'm too lazy to visualise them here.Most of the time, the thoughts came when I'm doing something like watching tv, listening to some radio talks or just sitting on the bus and thus, has no ways to record them down(too lazy to write out on papers??)By the time i'm in front of the comp(which i am now), most of the thoughts have disappeared or have been shelved very securely somewhere in my brain that it's really hard to get them out.

Blah...

Honestly, since the school year starts, it gives me little time to reflect on what I have been doing.It's sad really, cos reflection is an important process for growth of thoughts and also for maturity of the mind.Okkz..without further do, I'll just reflect on last week.

It was not too bad a week really,considering that i did quite well(or i thought) for my lit test which i had previously believed to be very difficult and my english compo test was not so terrible. Two exciting news in school- the trip to japan and the united nation model conference.I'll take part in the latter,cos the former is similar to my exchange trip and although i am very tempted to sign up, i would rather the $1600 be spent for my possible exchange trip to france.

I was thinking about quite a lot of things last week, Ming wei was one of them, but let me elaborate on other things before coming to that.

I must confess now to God that i have neglected him yet again!!argh...its quite frustrating when you think about it,Ironic too.I think i'm slippering further and further awat from Him and its time I come back crawling to him.I really must make an effort this week.I really want to spend time with God and i also need to pray more!Sighz..will start NEXT WEEK!!!

One other thing was health.I believe that i need to do some exercises, really pay attention to swimming to get myself fit(not in shape) and ready for nafa.I just dont want to fail it you know, cos I dont think i will be exempted from it.

kkz...i run out of time...bye bye bye.

Vietnam

2005-01-15T20:50:00.000+08:00

As I said last week,this week is view on issues.The first topic I have decided to talk on is Vietnam-the people,the life and the "politics"

As you know, I went back to Vietnam to visit my dad last year in november.I also went to the north to visit my grandma and my relatives there.I went back alone.Although I stayed with my dad, I had much freedom,much time alone as my dad has to work in the day so i could roam the streets freely on my own.Apart from that, I also had much time to think about my this country,how it has changed(or has not more likely) and how i would want to play a part.No, not as a citizen,but a helper from singapore.

You know I had been away for a total of 5 years now.That is a lot of time for me.Almost every year, or once every 2 years I come back to visit.I always told myself there would be some sort of change for sure..but the fact is, the changes are so minimal I could count with my fingers.

The city life is...chaotic.There are too many people,to many vehicles,to many houses that has basically no town planning whatsoever,the whole place is a mess.5 years, and still, it seems as though the city has never really changed. That, however, is only the physical part of it, and sadly, many people do not see what's wrong with the city they are livin in.For those who do, they themselves can't do much to savage the situation.

Isn't that sad?Sai gon was once the gem of indochine and look at it now.It looks like singapore 30 years ago, and yet some people still arrogantly boast that Vietnam will catch up and take over Singapore.ya rite...I'M DYING to see the day that will come,wondering if it is my lifetime.And those vietnamese, don't forget singapore has helped vietnam a lot, being its largest investor although the vietnamese government is still putting so many restrictions for the foreign investors to do business,as if they are not at the mercy of the these investors who had partially helped to build up its economy.

When I was touring the streets, the main streets I mean, I was pretty surprised to see so many french and americans as well as japanese foreigners.A lot, I must say.The french probably come to see what their own forefathers had done to this southeast asian nation many years back.The same goes for the americans.I dont know about the japs.Well, it was a refreshing scene I must say. However, it seems as though these tourists are not very welcome;or at least thats what I see from the people's behaviors.They really dont know anything about tourism.They dont know how to keep these buyers and they also have not shown much professionalism in their jobs.How pathetic, and how ironic.

I would continue with this next week,i'm running out of time now.Yupzz...

Happy new year!Welcome, 2005!

2005-01-02T06:27:00.000+08:00

Hello
Woot...That was a long long long time that I didnt blog.Wee...now I'm back in the business for blogging!For those who regularly come back here and didnt see any updates..here you go!I didnt think there would be anyone visiting in first place.Indeed I was pleasantly surprised that I was wrong.

First of all,before any sentimental content, I would want to talk about the new layout of this blog,or new skin so to speak.Yes, I really love this layout.It's stylist(black and white), with a very unique design and above anything else, has a very special meaning.

I want God to be the theme of 2005 in my life and thus, this skin shall be the first step of signifying that.I know i know..the skin only...what about the inner of me..am i that "holy"..many would question.hehe..but you know what,if i dont create the atmosphere and set the tone right this moment, I would never have the chance to do so in the near future.So for now, this layout will stay for at least 1 or 2 months.

Content wise,I'll definitely talk about God more and I will post my perspective on different issues here as well, Christian and non-christian alike.I have had this thought for a long time...but only now I want to make this thing a bit more public.This blog wont be just a place of daily rampants..but also my views and write-ups on certain events,issues...people.I definitely want to take blogging to the next level.As I have said some time before, I won't post mundane things, this blog will be my place for reflection,review and daily rampants as well.And if u think that i seem to be typing for some sort of readers out there, then..you're on the wrong path of thinking.I constant come to view my blog just for reflections..and yeah..sometimes,the reader is mostly myself.Also, I like it this way,the style of writing...yupz...

2004 has certainly been a very eventful year, with a lot of ups and downs.I almost wanted to blog on 31 dec 2004 but couldnt do it somehow..didnt feel like it.I didnt have the drive as usual and I didnt know what to blog about most importantly.As I welcome the new year, I also want to look back on 2004 with gratitude for what God has done and the personal events that He had let happen in my life.Below would be a list of some

New year Stress...(no..new ACADEMY year stress)
I put my parents through a lot of upheavals.I teared down the house with my mourning, crying,complaining...stressing..well I'm really sorry,but thankful as well.To God, for letting me be stressed,because without this, my faith would never have been taken to a new level.I thank God for showing me that without Him, I would be nothing.Thanks to parents,and sorry too ..mom and dad..love you both but i didnt act as so.I can't promise it won't happen again.but I can promise I will never think of suicide as the last resort..because Life, a gift from God, is beautiful.

Blah...shall post more tmr..PROMISE!!Now it's zzz time =)
Happy New Year!

This is the continuation from yesterday's entry.

Arrival of the new kid on the block
My cousin has been in singapore for..almost 5 months now.Time has really flied.I can still remember the first day that she was here and how I really sulked over that.I was not welcoming her at all...instead..I acted as cold as ice.Blah...4 months down the road saw changes that i myself am surprised.I have been a lot closer to her(probably cos we're the same age)..believe that the old rivalry has lessened by heaps(but still there acadly) and now, she's a fellow sister-in-christ.I pray to God that He will lead her to know Him more and more each day and that our bond as cousins will also grow.Yupz..

Change of class, going on the less expected track and feeling really good about it.
Well, many of friends have expected me to go to triple science..yeah yeah..after all I have always appeared as a nerd,mugger haha.But I chose instead to do double science..and it's not a last minute choice,by the way.I have been thinking about it for a long long time.It seems to me that God himself has led me to this track of thinking and had of course already chosen the course for me.I feel that with double science, i will have more time for reflection,relaxation and other activities that I'm interested in.Also, my energy wont be spent solely on studies but other things.With french,tuition and cca, I believe I have quite enough on my plate.At the same time, I don't plan to be a doctor.I don't want to go to triple sc for the glamor of it and regret the decision later.I feel really good about this class and I trust God to guide me through.IB is still my goal and I have no intention of changing it.

Closer tights....Never too little too late
My bonds with some of 2C2ians have definitely been closer by miles.I'm really grateful for Gen and many others..yupz..although not in the same class next year, hope to be friends with them always.Shall miss them loads!And no,its never too late..even though these bonds are only strengthened at the end of the year.

That has been some PERSONAL highlights for 2004.I really feel that I'm going to remember this year forever..not only because of the recent tsunami, but also for these personal events that had happened.Anyway, Goodbye 2004.and WELCOME,2005!

I'm Vietnam-bound.

2004-11-11T13:22:00.000+08:00

This blog has again become stagnant.I couldnt really drive myself to update it as often as I used to these days.Sorry to those who visited and get disappointed.Oh well..blogging has to come with some will and passion.I have none of those all these while so yepz...my apologies.

Anyway, as the title for today said, I'm going to Vietnam soon.Yepz..as the matter of fact, just this Sat I'll be flying off.Won't be coming back until about 2 more weeks later.I'll be going to the north of Vietnam too.Its been a long time since I visited my paternal grandma and my relatives there so I am looking forward to it.

These past few days I have been a HUGE shopping spree. I have spent no less than $300 in total.Most of the amount was spent on gifts for everyone there though so don't say I'm a big spender. I have also bought myself some stuff which my sister and cousins still deem "unfit" for me.Well, you see..I have bought a skirt, some really ladylike blouses and sandals.All branded and ex...but I dont believe in buying cheapskets so its worth the money.Its deemed "unfit" because... ahem...i have not a single ladylike blouses and sandals until i bought those yesterday.My whole family said that I look funny and "act nice" hahaha...they are not used to the change of image yet.

Well...if you think you will see me in those stuff..most unlikely..I reserve those for more formal occasions.Thats the reason I bought them..for formal occasions when I need something presentable to wear.Otherwise, you will still see me in berms and shorts and my "baggy" sandals as always haha...

Well, that's about all for today.

oh yes, before I forgot

ROROUNI KENSHIN IS THE NUMBER 1 MANGA IN THE US!!!!

kkz..I shall explain this thing later..for now, its lunch time.Chao!

It's not goodbye, it's time to fly

2004-11-03T15:08:00.000+08:00

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And there was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

Chorus:
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, Come whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Will Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

La, la, la, la; yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la, we will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

Au revoir..........

2004-11-03T13:24:00.000+08:00

Its seriously a long time since I blogged.Apparently I have been very lazy to type despite many good thoughts I have been accumulated for blogging.So today, whilst waiting for my lunch to be digested, I will spend some time to reflect.

The A maths bridging course has almost ended.With one day left to go, it has certainly been quite challenging.Tomorrow will be the last day 2C2 will be together as a class for lesson...the last time...

Although school technically ended on fri, this 4 days are actually the last few hours we have together.Nothing much happened..it seemed as though the goodbyes had been said, photos taken and we need to move on from here.

Friday was certainly a sentimental day.Goodbye notes, presents and photos were exchanged.I received a few myself...regretting that i didnt make any for anyone.I guess it's not in my nature to do so.Shall make it a point to do so when I leave Crescent.Definitely I will...

2 years...gone
Time really flies
I could imagine myself right now in sec 1
When 1C2 was having conflicts still
When we were all a bunch of bubbly girls know not of worries
This year has been better for me
I have made more friends..getting closer to some ppl
Particularly gen seow, lee min, tania, ke jia, waritta, sarimah,siti...
Some of the names above have once mocked at me, made fun of me even
But that...seems to far away now
some of them now are even the ones I got along best
Sec 1 was...painfully memorable
Sec 2 was....dearly remembered
There are still ppl that will go on hating me..
but If i can't atone for what i had done/said to them...
Then I can only tell them that i hold no grudges against them
I can't try to make them like me...
I can only try to like them...

I went out with gen seow, king yin, sam wong, sam ho, qui yi, emily, shu zhen and xiang mei on fri
Had a lot of fun...i won't forget that
I went out with Gen on sat and watched White chicks
Laughed our heads off...we had fun
U know, I'm just sorry that all the good things only come when everything has come to end
But at least..it came

From tmr
we will walk different roads
But we will have the same destination?
Whichever path you have taken
I wish you well
I wish you success
Don't ever forget 1C2/2003 ----2C2/2004
Once there was this class
That stood together for each other
That surpassed their seniors in genorisity....and unity
Conflicts have rised, but also tights
38 individuals, but in voice, in spirit, in hope
We were one...
Don't ever forget WHERE you came From.

Memories of C2...
-Engraved upon my heart-

Cant take that away from me

2004-11-01T00:25:00.000+08:00

They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I will not allow anyone to succeed
Hanging clouds over me
And they can try hard to make me feel that I
Don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams
Cause there, there's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try but they cant take that away from me

Oh, they, they can do
Anything they want to you
If you let them in
But they wont ever win
If you cling to your pride
And just push them aside
See I, I have learned
There's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul that they cannot possess
So I wont be afraid and the darkness will fade

Cause there, there's a light in me
That shines brightly, yes
They can try but they cant take that away from me

No, they cant take this precious love I'll always have inside me
Certainly the Lord will guide me
Where I need to go

Oh, they can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I wont face the ground
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach
Oh, Lord, they do try
Hard to make me feel that I dont matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or lose faith in my dreams
Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly, yes
They can try but they cant take that away from me

Time to fly

2004-10-26T21:29:00.000+08:00

Wow, its been a really a long while since I last blogged.
Somehow for a long period of time, I lost the passion and desire to recount experiences that I experienced.So for this entry, I will recount everything that has happened that is worth my time spent typing them up here.Here we go

2C2 2004 CLASS CHALET

I have to say that there was a vast improvement in this year's chalet compared to the last.I enjoyed myself throughout and was even abit reluctant to leave.For the very first few time, I felt like I really belong somewhere.I have a place in this class.It's those pivotal point that makes a turn and a switch.A pity it comes too soon too late.It's goodbye soon...

I really had a lot of fun during the bbq, joking and laughing, goofing around with sar, war, yusheng and nurul..and all those who were helping to cook the food.The idiotic acts, the lame jokes, i was part of it.Also, i became closed with sit, war, sar and nurul during this period of time. The watching of drumline was great...only i felt asleep twice :P..nah the movie was cool, just that it was so late and all...

I also remember the gossiping, tell-all session, centering our so-called "love life" and the boys from....But it was great haha.The cycling was cool too.Although I must say gen li being there made me all the more subtle, I enjoyed the breeze and the ride.Memorable.

All in all, I felt that if I didnt come, I would have missed out a whole lot of fun, laughter and bonding.I dont know if those things that were done there would mean anything,I dont know if any of the ppl I feel comfy around will be my classmates next year(i hope) but I know that this chalet was one to remember.I won't forget.

RESULTS

This year has been..disappointing.But who is to blame but myself?Actually, I could have done so much better for maths, science.Looking back, I was just careless and that was the only thing that separates me from the rest.My humanities were power though.I didnt expect an A1 for lit so it was a pleasant surprise.But this is also the first time i shed tears for results.I just know i deserve so much better for maths and science,I spent time on both subjects...a lot of time...they just didnt pay off.

I ranked 8 in class, 22 in the level.I'm satisfied...not.I know some people would dream of having my positions but..compared to myself, I deproved.I slipped even further.I cant let this continue next year.Either I improve the ranking, or i can go shoot myself.I still want a place in ACSI IB,I want to get in!!!I want it so badly, I can really do anthing to get in...

Overall?I should be at least contented that:
1) I *mostly like* will get into my choice combi (double, physic, chem, pure geo)
2)I got an A1 for lit..vast improvement from a B3 overall, B4 in final exam last year
3)I will still get some scholarship money :D
4)I *most likely* will remain in TDP

ASEAN STORIES PROJECT
This is probably the most memorable experience in the entire year of 2004.This project, really gives me some motivation during its course and taught me alot.I'm truly appreciative to the school for letting the TDP students participate in this.

I cant really forget all those meetings with the fellows, with the IT team and all the time I spent on this.Truly worthwhile.

I won't forget Persis, Binghuan,Zhi Wei, Aemila,Samantha,Megan and a few fellows I have come to know better namely Shaun and Rae.I won't forget that speech I made, though brief, was so significant to me.I won't forget talking to Minister Tharman.Last of all, I'll regret joining this project, knowing all of the wonderful people that I did,spending time with Ms Goh rehearsing the speech and...(out of point) knowing and respect Mr Gau Poh Teck a lot more.

I want to say this, excerpt from my speech:

"We have just started on this journey, and we were pleased with the outcome..and we looking forward with excitement to even more stories in the near future"

TALENT DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM(namely the philo course)
Some TDP people would beg to differ that TDP philo course was something memorable.
However, i consider it is.I'm a pretty thoughtful,insightful person who thinks a lot.Thats one of the reason why i like philo i guess.I also like to write on all these theories, analyse them and stuff.I like that and I'm seriously looking forward to psychology next year.

The abseiling course was fun too btw.I dont think anyone would disagree.The instructor was comical, the experience was cool and yeah...its nice.It short of gives me the idealism that we all can benefit from this if we WANT TO.A lot of people dont because they chose to ignore its benefits and what it can do to change them.For me, I have really learnt how to think and analyse.I believe it sorts of help in my lit...maybe thats why I improved???Possible.

Ok ppl, those who are really reading till this very end, I must congrat you for being so patient and the fact that you can endure the little details of my life.

Next entry, i will rate my top 20 moments of the year.Should a good entry..making me reminisce all the memories...till then, take care.

Drowned in my sorrows

2004-10-19T20:04:00.000+08:00

Lord, do you hear my cry
I have tried
I have put down all that i have
Yet i failed
Is it your divine judgement?
Or is it me the foolish one?

Tears
Will you wash away this shame
Numbness
Can you numb this pain
I have fallen to my knees
Not once but twice
In my mind, i wonder why

My efforts like the rain
Pouring down...flowing away
Or am I fooled?
I know not what to think
Only You know,Lord
Only you know

I want to break away
Escape from this dark alley
Lay down the burden I have carried
But you won't let me go astray
You always hold on to me
Why can't I just let go?

Where is the faith?
Where is the trust?
I must have lost them all
Will you still reach out?
Will you still save me?

Tomorrow will still come
Life will nevertheless go on
Time will continue flowing
Leaving me Behind
I won't follow...

Just want to be me

2004-10-06T19:07:00.000+08:00

watssup people?
Its been quite some time I admit.But yeah, I'm studying for exams,what do u expect?? =)

Anyhow you must be thinking that i have finished my exam since I'm here updating this dead blog.I dont even think anyone reads except for myself haha...

Still, getting people reading my blog isnt the reason why this blog exists in the first place.It exists to create a place for me to pen my thoughts and recount my daily experiences.I find it hard not to pen it down cos I dont share them with people most of the time.Those who want to know whats happening in my life would probably have to find their way here somehow and read this stuff.Not very mundane...because I dont record mundane things.

Anyway I'm here for a short update of the "situation".haha.

I have basically screwed most of my papers.With 2 of the most important ones to settle, I cant afford to screw them up too.Not with maths and science.Not with these 2.Anyway, I'm not that pessimistic if you ask me.I'm faithful to the fact that God is in control.Whatever it is, He knows I have tried my very best.no regrets that i didnt study hard because I DID study very hard for all the subjects I have taken. After this post, back to mugging =D..wa..its my fave past time mah...

Okie...thats about it.Yepz..I;m dedicating a song to 2C2ians and esp to Waritta *winks*.Hopefully it will get read ;D

Chao!

2 MORE BATTLES.

Its mugging time

2004-09-26T02:40:00.000+08:00

Hello there faithful readers of this pretty boring blog.
I have found sometimes to update....at almost 2 am in the morning...
Quite a lot of things happened since the last time i update...the previous entry was continued after 1 week.

I must say that I admire people who can update their blogs everyday, man, how can some people be so consistent??? 0_o

Anyway, I will give a brief detail of the last week's happenings which I think were quite interesting and FUN albeit the exams.

Tuesday was nothing much.I went out with War for free lunch(my weekly salary for tutoring her in case you're wondering) and yeah...talked and talked and talked some more..we went to mos burger at taka.I personally feel that the one at shaw is better in location cos its quieter.I ate some eel rice burger and thought it was delicious.I think i will try all the favours by this year. But thats about it for tuesday, I cant remember anything else eventful happened on that day so yeah...

Wednesday was tiring...dead tiring.Me and Tania rushed off after school to buona vista MRT to meet Binghuan to work on the ASEAN project.We were on time..yeah but Tania didnt get to eat and she didnt feel like eating even after that.She was seriously sick.I mean, she kept on saying she was very cold although it was oven-heating temperature for me outside.She was wearing school jacket some more -_-' And I was sweating from head to toe(i meant it...my legs and foot were wet).So we took a bus to NUS and worked at one of the media labs at the computing/science falculty building.also during the bus ride I realised that ACJC is extremely near the MRT,within walking distance.No wonder i always see so many of them whenever i go there for dental check-up.We were really productive I think. We gave the frontpage an extreme makeover and it looks very pro now.Binghuan came up with the idea but all of us worked to make it happen.yeah...so whilst tania design the layout, binghuan and me worked on the HTML pages and got some stories uploaded.but after a while we felt that using HTML codes to do this is ridiculous and decided to stop and use dreamweaver to do it instead next time.

By the time we called it quit, we were done with the frontpage design and binghuan is really nice to agree to link all the pages up by the time of presentation(6 OCT).The 2 of us only have to do up the logos and post them to the yahoo grp for the committee to vote.I already did mine.

Man, i was so tired after the meeting I felt really sick as well.oh yeah...during the MRT ride, i got to know binghuan better.I guess I know him better than Tania does cos I'm more talkative, always ask questions haha.."its good to query"...but not on this stuff haha.Anyway i did that mainly cos I dont like silence and yeah...i asked stuff and the flow began..so yah..hes nice la,seems cool but not that cold.get what I mean??? haha.

Thursday...err I had tuition?but yeah thats about it haha

Friday..ENGLISH EXAM!Bah...I didnt know that reading through the O level english ten year series really helped that much.I got my inspiration for my compo from there.I believe that its unique but I have no idea how i will score cos sometimes, when i feel confident of my work, it turns out that i scored low, vice versa. But for report,i know that i did well.The language used was darn sophiscated man.i think i got a flair for writing reports and complaint letters haha.Compre was quite all right.I didnt make silly mistakes and felt confident of the whole thing.but some questions I really think that I wrote crap.

The later part of friday is much more interesting though.Me, War and anna, as discussed last fri, went to town before going for french.We went to Heerens cos War wanted to buy some hair bands and since we were in heerens, we decided to take neoprints first before going to eat.Man...i look so freaking white but the pics are chio haha.love the poseurs pic hehe.So fun..but I still owe war quite a lot of money I think.shes generous enough to lend me.I'm always the one borrowing money man...oh well, the 2 of them are rich anyway.Not that I manipulate them or anything.i always return the money so yeah..oh oops now talkin about money, I realise I still owe war another 60 cents so its basically a few dollars I'm owing her there.DONT FORGET TO PAY BACK CHRISTINE!!!

After the 2 sessions of neoprints, we went for lunch at LJS(not lillian jean simms,lol, but long john silver haha).I ate some rice paste and yeah it was nice and worth it.LJS is cheap..i must say cos the whole thing is really fulfilling.Then we wanted to go bowling but the bowling alley is close so we just walked around, oh yeah we went to paragon to look at cds, war bought 2 cds cos she cant resist the low prices. 11 bucks???its seriously cheap.I listened to the secret gardens.SO NICE.SO SOOTHING.I went back there today and get the cd =D

After that, oh yeah, we were in front of orange julius cos anna wanted to buy some ice cream when this lady with her children came up to us and said: u are from crescent?? I was from there too. I was telling my kids this is crescent uniform. LOL. we were pleasantly surprised.nice lady.first time I got approached for such reason. She must be fond of crescent still...Then yeah we went to french and SUCCESSFULLY CAME LATE!! hahaha....a lot of ppl will go "huh??" for this one but yeah, we are always early and even sometimes when we tried to be late we never came close to do so.but that day we DID.lol...lame...its CRESCENT turn to be late haha.

kkz...this entry is way too long liao..i still have one more event to tell but tmr kkz..I gotta go sleep..its 2.30 AM.yepz...night ppl..or izit morning?? =P

Quiet strength in a brutal world

2004-09-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

I have been having this strong urge to blog but finding either no time or the opportunity to do so.I have quite a lot of reflect,especially when the past few days have not been great.

I want to clear up a few matters, especially issues regarding my health. I'm fine, I dont have any serious sickness or any diseases.What I'm having is a simple muscles strain on my left(and sometimes right) shoulder and my neck.For my breathing, its probably anxiety disorder.3 doctors have made it pretty clear that there's nothing to do with my heart or lungs so the only thing left that could have cause it is underlying stress.Stress that I'm not aware of, stress that I dont even know exists..until now.

It causes me to wonder whether anxiety and stress are really robbing me that much of my youth.Until yesterday, I have never the thought of regarding my family as broken.I have always believed that we were fine the way we were. Although my parents were divorced, i was little when it happened.I guess it had never really affected me that badly, probably because I was too young to understand the pain and seriousness of the situation. I only have flashes of a few fights they had, fights that ended in deafening clashes and screams of anguish. I remember vividly only 1 occasion when my dad furiously hurdled a teacup at the TV after a silly argument over which channels to watch.

I guess I had been affected.But who wouldnt be? Even a heartless child would be.Its too strong a feeling for anyone to surpass.After all, family is the basic unit of society, of our lives.

Our whole family will go for a counselling session soon.Many times I flitted through the pamphlets with counselling sessions in it and skipped the whole thing, didnt I know that my family would be attending one soon. Never say never.Another lesson from God.

Whatever it is, I hope everything turns out all right.I feel like there would be a lot to talk about..that is if I agree to/feel like talking.But one thing I know is, God is in control.Maybe He believes this is one thing our family has to pass to become stronger and more united.Just dont stop praying.NEVER stop trusting.

With God everything is possible.

Leave me alone to die

2004-09-18T13:10:00.000+08:00

I cant believe it.I have lost faith in all doctors and shall NEVER become one.wtf, he ruled out a solution without listening to ALL what i have to say.Go f*** off.I cant stand the attitude.

Oh yeah, if nobody cares, who should i care??I shall go on suffering from this and nobody shall care.So why makes a big fuss eh?Yeah...I shall continue to endure it, shortness of breath and my pierching shoulder and neck pain and LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT.Its my problem isnt it???Its nobody's else so why should they care huh??

Oh yes, its "nothing serious".OH YES, IT'S MY IMAGINATION.

Fine, if you dont care, why should I bother to tell you whatever heck problems i have?The next time i hyperventilate or have serious breathing difficulties, I SHALL NOT LET ANYONE CALL MY PARENTS because it does not make a difference.

Just piss off.
Get out
Leave me alone to die.
I'm sick and tired of ALL OF YOU

Life is so fragile

2004-09-16T17:17:00.000+08:00

I read a guy's blog to find out that one of his classmate is diagnosed with cancer.I also read the testimonial by his mom posted in his blog.I cried.

Life is so fragile, oh Lord.I just want to live day by day now and be thankful even for my mere existence on this earth.God create his children for a purpose.I believe that God created Sam Chan for a purpose too.I dont know him but I have strong sympathy for him after having seen how cancer took away my loved ones.I pray to God He will not take away his.I'm keeping the guy in prayers and so are other friends and family members.

Well the reason I wanted to blog wasn't really about that if you think it was. It was more of my own health condition. I dont know for sure what is going on but I know its not something too serious after checking websites for symptoms that might match mine.That calms me a little.

In case some of you dont know what i'm talkin about, i have been having difficulties breathing and constant short breathness since tuesday.As I said in my previous entry, I have had this for years but it only becomes very serious this few days.I have no idea why.I'm sure its not the exams cos of all exams, why this one???Something else must be the reason and I hope I'll find out soon when i visit the specialist this weekend.

Honestly, this thing really affects me, both my studies and my sleep.I couldnt sleep well and my thoughts always got disrupted when i have to stop thinking to catch my breath.I dont know what will happen in the exam room when time is limited and much has to be done.I think somehow I need to bring this to the teachers sooner or later cos it REALLY affects my concentration.
The medicine seems to help cos I have no problem during and after mass run.for a moment, I also seemed to be breathing normally.But then again, if i'm depending on medicine to breathe properly,something is the problem.As long as the effect of the pills wore off, it returns to affect me as bad as before.

I'm not able to pray to God yesterday as I was trying to sleep early.But today i promise I will.I need to tell Him.He needs to know.He's my father, right?

Expect the unexpected

2004-09-14T19:44:00.000+08:00

Today was quite eventful..not in school but after school.I was not expecting anything like today to happen but it did and yeah...it was like a shock to me.

I sort of hyperventilated. It was panick attack but when i went to the net just now and did some research on hyperventilation, its the second stage to hyper itself.I mean, if I didnt go home and had pushed myself to breathe harder, I could have REALLY hyperventilated.Dunno what will happen then...

Honestly, i was finding it hard to breathe after lunch, I have not a clue if lunch was the cause but whatever it was, I didnt expect what was coming.I have always thought that this kind of thing would never happen to me.One way of God to prove to me to never say "never". Yeah, well thank you God for restoring me and I'm quite ok now.I'm not sure if I should take PE tomorrow and it might result in some serious case so i'll think twice before making the decision.I sure do not want to cause the class another inconvenience and loss of time, especially when the exams are so near.

Oh well, Sar is sick these few days.I think she influences me to be sick to. Hah!lol just kidding la..but yeah I kind of miss her presence there.She always make me laugh, sort of brighten my day and then it sux to sit alone although you have more space.Oh well...GET WELL SOON SAR AND COME BACK PARTNER!

IP

2004-09-08T14:08:00.000+08:00

Have I ever tell you that I hate IPs?
Yeah If i have not i'm telling you now
I hate it
i hate MOE
I hate the people who thought of it
It brings tears, sadness, confusion and much more
It makes me sway from side to side
It makes to think twice

But its too late to think now actually
The decision is final
Yet it makes me sad, jealous?
I hate goodbyes...

To Jamie
I'm happy u got in
I'm sorry to see u go
i wish you success
I wish you the best too
May you always remember Crescent
Always remember whacky 1C2/2C2
Always remember dance :)
We will miss you...lots..

*Dont be the first to say goodbye*

updates

2004-09-07T19:04:00.000+08:00

Argghh...I just typed out a paragraph recapping the champion seminar and its suddenly GONE!!!man what the hell...

Sigh..anyway yah...champion seminar is all right, in short, the only highlight was the food haha.Oh yeah i was saying in the other disappeared post that we had buffet lunch.So something was very funny at our table.Gen and another gal kept bringing back plates full of food and said, "we should take this first cos later the food might run out" LOL.So we ended up having to eat a lot more than we can chew.Yet all the plates of food were finished =D and we kept getting stares from ppl who walked past our table haha!Oh yeah the souvenir is a mug with different ccas' logos on it.Inside the mug is a mini version toy of winnie the pooh.Cute!

Hmm..ok..then now is the hols.Oh yeah did i tell you about the meeting for ASEAN stories with the ASEAN scholars?Probably not.I shall give a short recap here.

Monday night I followed Persis to SIF headquarters to have the meeting with the scholars.The meeting's objective was for the scholars to tell us their specific stories and how they want the webpage of their countries to look like in the end product.Meeting them was fun I guess cos they were from the 10 countries(ok...9 cos representative of Burma was not there) and they were nice people.So what we did was me and Persis went around to the different representatives to write down notes on their specific wants and needs.i also had to clarify their doubts, my doubts and some copyright law stuff.It was exhausting really, 2 hours and I thought i would be there just to listen.At least we had done something solid during the 2 hours.Well the conclusion I have is that me and Tania have a lot of work to do. A LOT.I mean...we need to meet deadline and stuff and we have exams coming in 4 weeks.I hope with our perserverence we will somehow make it.

So after that i went for dinner with some of the scholars who didnt manage to eat earlier as well.Since the food court is closed, we headed for KFC cos one of them got discount vouchers.I ate chickens and yeah..it was nice.I was talkin a lot to the Philippino girl but she was very nice though.And all of them can speak english very well.Also, there was this singaporean representative and a malaysian-chinese representative who were damn crappy la.But they made the whole thing fun haha.So yeah, there you go.Pretty much everything was there.I cant give meeting details of course (DUH).Next meeting is schedule this friday and our meeting with Persis is tmr at my house right in front of this computer HAHA!

Okie...yah...so these past 2 days I had peerleaders' training camp.It's taxing if you think of the fact that we spent basically 9 hours in school from 845 to 5 pm.Yeah...and the next 3 days of the week would be filled with choir practices..Gosh...WHERE IS MY HOLIDAYS???

Hayz..Limewire sux.I cant watch movies there.what the hell??I'm switching back to ares.yeah...Bye!

Christine saying au revoir!

Just want to be me

2004-09-02T18:51:00.000+08:00

My parents are Again getting on my nerves.Why is it always have to be them?I dont know why I'm going through all these usless,mundane lectures they are trying HARD to get me to listen.I have absolutely no idea why Im still taking in the crap.And I thought they dont tend to exaggerate problems.

Such a small thing can become such a big issue for no apparent reason.And yeah, the card thing is not like i LOST EVERYTHING.no I didnt.I would NEVER again do that.I have idea why i misplaced it but the thing is over and so get a life and move on.I shall get it replaced in nov when I got my passport.I just think that parents are sometimes a thing that we have to put up with and many a times they dont understand whats REALLY going on and what we, their DEAR children are thinking.They just dont have a clue.

I feel like every teenager goes through this stage where parents are just an obstacle you have to learn to pass.really..thats what i feel like.I feel like in order to pass this, I have to get all the As, dont go out, dont do anything wrong, have PERFECT memory and OBEY them.If thats what it takes, I'm giving it up.This is hell really.The more I think about it, the more I want to go to a boarding school and stay there.the more I feel like I need WINGS to fly.The more I feel like I should ignore all these crap.But hey, God put parents there for a reason.Whatever reason it is, its not something i want to hear for sure.

Talkin about God, i have been spiritually dry.I have not been reading the bible and doing devotions at all this week.Sometimes, it takes me great effort to do so and its not out of will.I dont know what happens but I think i NEED to pray more, for His mercy on me and his forgiveness of a child going astray trying to find the way back.At least I DO want to go back.Thats God isnt it?When you feel like you are going away from him ,He draws you back to him with his divine power.Thats why Hes the supreme God and the Father of all creation, the person i know I TRULY trust and LOVE.

I dont know whats wrong with my template.The pics are not there and the background is very dark when I visit it.I hope its ok later on.This happens sometimes but maybe,something is really wrong.I have to check it out...

ooh,cant wait for singapore idol ;).Christine saying au revoir.

Teacher's day

2004-09-01T14:10:00.000+08:00

I have exactly 15 mins to blog.I have just drawn up the schedule for my revision today so i have to stick closely to it.

Okie,what do I have to say? hmm..yeah,yesterday was teacher's day celebration.The concert was better than last year I think.And there was this act by 4C2 which was so funny that all the teachers were also laughing very hard.It was about teachers and how they were portrayed in their youths(or when they were younger).LOL...I was laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes.They did a fabulous job man.It was better than those skits by ELLDS.

After the celebration,I rushed back to RMPS(radin mas pri school).I was rushing not because I was that anxious to see the teachers but because Sheila was waiting for me so yeah,I didnt want her to wait for way too long.But she ended up waiting and doing her chinese homework so it was not so bad.We met Sushmita as well.We went around with sushmita for a while.We went around the school.I have to say that its getting better by the year.Last year, it was new but it was plain but this year, there are paintings and the toilets are very chio and clean.Not bad at all I must say.So after while sushmita excused herself and went back first.We went to see Mr Seah, Mrs Lim-Lee, Pan lau shi(Mrs Ho), Mr Low(sort of) and yeah...thats about all the teachers we saw.We didnt see Mrs som nor Ms seah as they were both not present.I met quite a lot of old friends there.Wei Jun joined us on the hunt for teachers for a while too.

It was..not that bad.As usual,when we go back and see the teachers it's always like that..hunting for them and then talked to them for a while and left.I met Justin there too.He was wearing his tie which makes him look much better without it.I think all boys would somehow look good in ACSI uniform.

At about 1.30 me and sheila left.I took a bath and then rushed to orchard shaw house to catch Bourne Supremacy with Bo Chao.This was also the first time i went to watch a movie without buying any drinks or food.It was ok I guess.I was full so didnt feel the need to it food.The movie was good.Yeah..It was an all right follow-up of the previous I suppose.But the video is not as clear,or should i say the actions...i still prefer the previous although I like this one's plot.Its so much clearer.

Okie,I lost my ATM card and dad WOULD NOT give me my IC so i can replace it.but fine...when I'm leaving for jap or for vietnam i would have my passport and I can always replace it then.No big deal.oh..they havent thought about this i think MUAHAHA.They think they can stop me from getting it back?NO WAY.I'm pretty cunning dont ya know??

Okie rightie,gotta go work now.Bye bye.Christine saying au revoir!

Reflections

2004-08-31T19:31:00.000+08:00

I have no mood to do the normal recap again.Sometimes, i would fall into this reflective mood and have the urge to reflect on things that have happened.I would take this opportunity to reflect on Mrs Lee's journal article that i didnt get to do that day.

Sometimes, new ways of doing things are not always welcomed.They are viewed with a skeptic perspective and questioning mind.Why?People are used to things.People are not used to changes.People dont like changes, especially oustanding ones.Mrs Lee touched on this topic during her sharings about Beethovan's symphony No.9 and how it was so different from the music back then that it was viewed as an insult and queer type of music.But look at what happening now, it's one of Beethoven's most celebrated piece of work.I think this is really true.Changes are what people really dont like.They get used to listen, to see, to do things in certain ways and they stick to it.They don't welcome changes.And that is difficult for anyone who wants a break through and is inspired to be different.It takes courage I think.One good example, again brought up by Mrs Lee, was our school's launch of M-learning using tablet pcs.There were negatives opinions and people even wrote to the papers.yeah yeah...even Ming Wei finds it so new that it doesnt excite him.But the school did it only after thorough research and consultations and they believe its the best of the students.When you take a bold step forward, you have to be just as brave to face the diverse opinions and advices,regardless good or bad.Who knows what is at the end of the road?Our school may be really famous for it just like Beethoven.Who can predict the future?God.yeah...and God doesnt review his answer either.

The second topic she talked about, the more connecting topic with the students,"dare to be different and stand up to all expectations and standards".I find myself being challenged.I find myself seeing meaning in this long journey called education.We are all in school for education but maybe that is not all we are there for.School is a place where talents can blossom, and where each of us can prove to people and ourselves that we can do whatever we aim for as long as we have faith and determination.It is a place for challenges with one another, challenges with ourselves. Sometimes, so many things that surround us blur the vision of our ultimate goals, the small obstacles we face make the road seem more rocky than it is, and we find ourselves at the lowest point of the journey.But in those difficult times that we have be brave and pick ourselves up, we have to realise we are not alone.We have to believe that we are still fighting because we have so much faith in what we are doing.We have to believe. It's always easier said than done i know, but what if the things we said CAN be done?For the personal part of it,I'm facing mountains here.I want so much, so so much to be part of the IB programme but I know the road is so long I have no idea how rocky it can be.But I'm not afraid of the road.I'm only afraid of the discouraging thoughts, the distracting views(friends who have chosen IPs) that might steer me away from the directed path.May God above have mercy and understanding.May He sees my greatest wish and help me to achieve it.I can only depend on Him and myself.Sometimes, you dont know how lonely you are.

I have faith,I have hope,I have love, I have God.

Tranquility

2004-08-30T15:44:00.000+08:00

I hate the main blogger.I'm blogging via the instant blogging bar but I really dont know what happened to my account..the main one.And I'm the only one having the problem I think.Oh well...f**k..

I shall do some recap in which i will also do some reflections.

On friday we celebrated Teachers' day in french class.It turned out that Kavia bought 2 cakes instead of one so we ate one and gave Monsieur the smaller one.The mango cake was really nice though.I love mango cake!!!Everyone had a bite of the cake,some had 2 bites cos there were extra and everyone had a good big piece too since there were only 20 of us.Then we proceeded to the auditorium to watch a movie called "the visitors".HAHA...super cool movie, super funny.its basically these 2 guys(one king and his servant) were transported to the future time.So they did a lot of weird things.It was really funny though.Monsieur skipped quite a lot cos we didnt have a lot of time but still, we didnt miss much.That was really a good french "lesson". haha. (oh ya for your info, it was in english with french subtitles but nobody read the subtitles haha)

So on Saturday(which is yesterday) we performed for ADD.I thought we did better than the practice we had before on thursday.i guess everyone just really tried very hard like Ms Tham said.But yeah, the PAT was quite full, unlike what i expected but still, a lot of room for improvements as Jing Wen aptly put it.Oh yes, I'm happy on the whole.We didnt make major mistakes and we sailed through the first few songs.And best of all, no practices next week!

The rest of ADD was quite disappointing I guess.Its definitely not as good as last year.The fair is not as many as last year and performances and talks were not so packed.I think without Mrs Clara Tan, it really sux.But in contrast with last year, so many of my friends turned up.They went there basically just to look at the school, have the school tour, looked around a bit and left.Justin's visit was really short.I slept through the ethnomusicology talk cos I was too tired.Bo chao did the same.But the dance marathon was cool haha.I had to leave half way though cos Sheila was coming but oh well, I didnt miss much.I enjoyed it though, its like some hip hop classes I used to take before.Cool..

Hmm Sheila and her friend and Michelle came at 3 so i left the dance marathon thing to meet her.I showed her around and then we left for church.Was pretty on time even though i thought i couldnt make it.Church was kinda cool...toolkits performances.The drama thing was cool haha and guitar was quite..ahem..funny??Yeah..but basically thats about it.Then later I went to buy chocs for teacher's day with Mel at SP.The worst thing happened was that the 111 bus broke down and we had to change bus which makes me miss part of the synchronised swimming.It was really good though...russia was brilliant.

Welll..basically thats about it haha.This post is supposedly posted yesterday but i didnt find time to finish it so here I am on Monday blue finishing it.I shall do today's recap later.Oh well, there goes my chance for reflection.Okie...reflection shall be later??Cya ppl...

Everything to me

2004-08-26T19:29:00.000+08:00

Choir
Have we done enough?
Have we practise hard ?
Have we already tried our best?
Honestly, I dont know the answers to them questions
I feel like we've been fighting fate, but fate is winning all the time
What happened today??
Whatever happened???
When will that perfect performance be ours?
I dont know,i have not a clue.
Whatever it is guys, this sat is the only chance we've got
We NEED it
We need to prove ourselves
We need to prove Ms Tham wrong...
Maybe we can turn over fate and be better?
I have faith

Okie, as i promised, a bit of recap of the past few days.
I had Asean stories meeting/briefing on wednesday(yesterday) and we are now starting the project.Okie, let me tell you what Asean stories is about.Its basically a project that requires us to gather stories/ folktales, poetry and myths and legends from all the Asean countries.We dont really write them.We gather them and edit them, add pictures, recorded voice version, links and compile into a website which will be the end-product. There are 2 teams now.One is the editting team while the other is the IT team which is in charge of the webpage uploading, design and stuff that is IT related. I'm on this team with Tania, 1 other girl in NUS and 2 guys from ITE and NUS.Me and Tania is supposed to come up with the design soon.We already got our ideas figured out so the difficult part now is to put them into works.Also, we meet the girl which is also the chairman every monday to discuss and work on it.

To me, this will be more work but i think its exciting and after all, it can look really good in my portfolio. Also, we would have fun and this sense of achievement that we have accomplished something by the end of the day.It involves only our school but other schools will contribute stories.

Thats Wednesday.Today, man...today couldnt be more slack than it had been.My jap group was supposed to present our project to these Asean visitors.So we were excused from mass run and went to the lab at around 7.30.We were there for basically 3 hours,doing pretty much nothing.The visitors only came at around 11 and their visit was really short.But I think we did a good job cos most of them seemed to enjoy themselves and were impressed with our project in general.After that we had lunch and went back to class.Slacked,stoned and slept in class for the next 1 hour cos apparently Ms Goh was involved in the visit.So today went by without any lessons man...first time ever cos its like term time??

I dont want to elaborate on Choir today.It would just make me feel worse.It would make me lose my optimism.So I shall let today be today and moved on from here.

I would like to post this poem again here as ADD comes closer.I would ask all choir members to read them this time though.They NEED to read it.

When the music plays on
Sing that song with your heart
Sing as if there's no tomorrow Bring that song fort
Like it's the music of your soul
Do you regret those moments you screwed?
Do you REALLY want to to make up For whats lost?
Have we ever really done well?
Do I have an answer? No

The time is here
I can feel the atmosphere
I can sense that nervousness in your voice
Dont give up dearie
Victory is near
If we hold on
If we never let go
No one can take it from us
The stage is where we belong
The stage is for us alone
Bring fort that song
The song of our spirits

Look to this day!
For today well-lived
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
New every morning is the love
Our waking and up rising proves
Through darkness and sleep
Restored to life in power and thought...

You whose day it is makes it beautiful
You whose song it is makes it wonderful
You whose spirit it is let it rise above
You whose voice it is bring them forward

One chance
One hope
One dream
Together
We will get there.

The poem above is dedicated to dear dearest Crescent Choir.

2004-08-26T14:00:00.000+08:00

Haha...I'm blogging in CS right now.Ms Shervonne is trying to teach us IMOVIE but i dont really seem to give a damn after listening to her for 15 mins.I think its easy enough cos its bascically messing around with the effects.

I'm numb right now lol.The air-con is way too cold man.I'm having difficulties typing le.Oh whatever...40 more mins and I'm outta classroom.I dont mind lit so its not that bad but i'm increasinly minding science man.I used to find it really ok but since Neo became our teacher, the subject is just a bore.Its such a chore to study it now, I'm sincerely doubting taking triple science.See how first.

Shalala..this post is continued after 2 days haha.I'm in the comp room again.I'm supposed to go for communication course but dun feel like going.Its heck boring kk..Oh well,Ive got choir later and ms tham is coming so its something to look forward to at least.Tmr is french class TDC!Geez, I hope Monsieur will be happy.We put quite a lot of efforts into doing it.haha.

Okie la, I shall go for the course now.Shall be guai or else Janet lee runs after me later for being late.I will update and recap the last few day's events later k...Quite a lot of things happened.

Au revoir!

2004-08-23T19:15:00.000+08:00

Hey there peepz
I just came back from school from another taxing choir practice.But at least it didnt feel so worn-out like last thursday pract.Today Ms Tham decided to go through most of the pieces.We went through five of them,fixing them here and there but no truly major problems la.We are not THAT ready, but at a certain degree, we are.I'm inviting a lot of youth leaders man.I didnt really invite but they found out about it and are interested to come.I'm happy.Thanks everyone for your support!!!

School today was fine.I was particularly inspired by the journal reflection for the month by Mrs Lee.I would like to quote her "i would like to challenge Crescentians to rise against all odds and expectations to achieve what your goals." Challenge accepted, Mrs Lee. I feel really aspired by that.Maybe thats the only time of the many times that she managed to inspire me.All of us will go through some adversities in our lives but we have to overcome them to achieve our goals, our ultimate goals.This reminds me of my goal to go to ACS IB after my o levels.I feel like i'm againts a heck lot of obstacles but..hey theres a will theres a way right? I'm willing to put my everything into this bet.May God be my witness.

This song currently describes all my feelings.

Fly ( hilary duff)
In a moment
Everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute
All the world can wait
Let go of your yesterday
Can you hear it calling
Can you feel it in your soul
Can you trust this longing
And take control
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cuz it's your time
Time to fly
All your worries
Leave them somewhere else
Find a dream you can follow
Reach for something
When there's nothing left
And the world's feeling hollow
Can you hear it calling
Can you feel it in your soul
Can you trust this longing
And take control
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cuz its your time
Time to fly
And when you're down and feelin low
Just wanna run away
Trust yourself and don't give up
You know you're better than anyone else
In a moment
Everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute
All the world can wait
Let go of yesterday
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cuz its your time
Time to fly
In a moment
Everything can change

Oh well I have run out of things to say.Oh yeah...i noticed that the no. of ppl visiting my blog is many more than I actually thought it would be.Oh well, ppl dont tag eh?

Okie...Christine saying au revoir!